Tuesday 29 July 2008

Good news & prickly subjects


Our little friend is doing really well. He is healing fine & had his stitches out this Monday. As if the poor little love had not suffered enough with his op he let out such a pitiful scream in our back garden late on Thursday evening. In the dark of night Mum thought she must have accidentally trod on him.
My parents back garden has become something of a wildlife sanctuary. It was only the following evening when our corgi refused to come out of the kitchen door & go into the garden that we discovered we had a visitor. A delightful Hedgehog was running across our lawn. Our little Welsh lion cub must have been a bit too curious. No harm was done.
I sympathise with both of them. I can certainly relate to the hedge hogs defence mechanism of freezing in fear, curling up in a ball to protect itself & then fleeing. Little did he know our cub was more afraid of him. They both probably learned something from the encounter. My reaction to something new I am fear full about used to be to panic. That may still happen occasionally but there is a spiritual change within in me now. My self belief has given me a new confidence to be able to enjoy my life, face challenges & sometimes my fears. With each fear faced I learned from them like never before. Being true to your heart makes such a difference.
I spent a very rare warm sunny morning cutting the back garden for my parents. The lovely meadow is sadly no more. My parents are no longer able to look after the garden which is on a steep slope. I really struggled to drag the mower around. I really could have done with a nice man to help me. It was still fun. I had my shorts on & a summery top. My lilly white skin could do with a bit of sunshine.
I have been really busy recently hence the blog has been a little quiet. I have been trying to progress my return to work & signed up for a confidence building course. I hope to do my first ever volunteer duty as Debbie on August 4th at our local zoo.
It is our big art exhibition coming up soon. Another really exciting time. It is the biggest exhibition of wildlife art in Europe & has averaged sales of over £50,000 in recent years. For me it is not about money its about friendships & being part of something I care passionately about.
Right on the deadline I actually decided to put in an entry. This will be the first ever painting signed by Debbie in an exhibition. My creativity has been back for a while now but finding the time has been difficult with so much to do. I have waited for so much of my life to have this chance to finally be my true self & rather foolishly pushed myself to do my first proper painting in two years. I am very rusty & just hope I can create something acceptable that may be enjoyed.
My heart is telling me to carry on & support all our friends, as best I can, & endeavour to make this a successful exhibition for all who are involved. My head & most importantly my loved ones & the kind medical people who are all very pleased with my progress have constantly warned me about taking on too much, too soon. The last thing I want to do is let any one down. Good communication & trust are so important, at what has been an enjoyable but occasionally very stressful time.

My transition is going really well & my health is improving rapidly thanks to the wonderful support I have received.

Initially I had wanted to help out 24/7 this year but unfortunately due to my other current commitments, realistically, that is now going to be impossible.

I do not wish to resign but for the sake of my family, my health, my self esteem & our continued friendship, I need to be careful how much I take on. With that in mind I sadly needed to request a reduction in the time I will be able to spend helping at the exhibition. I have spoken with a dear friend who is a diplomatic Angel about this situation. She helps organise the tasks usually assumed to be best suited to females. What sexist bunkum. In reality we all like to help each other & often do. We live in an age of equality but some jobs are in an old fashioned kind of away, adjudged female & some male at our exhibition. How it hurt to always be assumed to be male & on the wrong side of the playful banter between the sexes. Not this year. Not any more. Yipeeeeeeeeee!
I am really pleased to be accepted as part of the female team. They have all been so kind to me. I am going to be meeting so many lovely friends, some for the first time as Debbie. I am going to be meeting ex colleagues from my previous career in shipbuilding design & also some from my volunteer time as Bob at the zoo. I will also get to meet the many guests, potential clients & general public who attend our show. It is going to be fun. A challenge. Normal life. A real life experience!
There is one prickly subject associated with the exhibition which happened at last years event which I cannot bring myself to talk about. It tragically caused life long friendships to be ruined. I never saw it coming. Thank heavens for true friends. It has caused my conscience & self esteem more problems than any of the TS issues I have just got on with. I have been unable to obtain any closure on the mater but now is not the time. Prickly subjects can wait. I have so much to live for.
Its Debbie's 2nd birthday this coming weekend.

Tuesday 22 July 2008

May this be a truely Lucky day


My little buddy, my ray of sunshine, my loyal friend is having an operation today.
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I have just tearfully had to leave him at the vets this morning
He is part of our family.
Our home feels so empty without him.
The sound of silence deafening.
It should be a routine operation to make his tummy better.
He has a cyst on his prostrate & is going to have the "very big snip this morning".
His pride & joy will be gone for ever, the poor love.
I hope he will forgive me.
His love for us is unconditional.
Come rain or shine he has been there for us.
Mum, Dad & I just want our baby back safe & well.
Reading Jo's blog today was very poignant.
True friends are always there for you.
I hope this proves to be a very Lucky day for two dear friends & our families !
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Most sacred Heart of Jesus I place all my trust in thee!
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If you read this please say a prayer to bring our little doggy back to us safe & well.
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Love
A very emotional Debbie.

Tuesday 15 July 2008

Self Doubt

The last view days have seen
very turbulent times for me.
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A haven has become hell.
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The guilty monkey is
chattering
& old fears
are reawakening.
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I am so vulnerable yet need to be strong.
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I am damaged goods & as much as I want to I am not sure if I can carry on. Denial is not an option, so if I cannot carry on what choice do I have!
NOT SUICIDE, SO PLEASE DO NOT WORRY.
This was not meant to be a cry for help, yet I guess that is exactly what it is.
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I am doubting I will ever be able to stand up for myself in the big wide world. I do not handle confrontation at all well & am passive by nature. I get hurt too easily. Words can hurt & I am one of those people who may find discrimination a killer.
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I am at a point where I am scared to move on for fear of failing. I cannot explain quite why I have reached this point, why I am scared to go beyond it.
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This is not a rant its from the heart. Quite simply I am suffering from empathy overload & have been neglecting to look after my loved ones. I am one of life's worriers & really care about each & everyone of my family & friends. I often have trouble switching off & mull things over intensely trying to help. I will never change.
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My counsellor has warned me against taking on any voluntary or paid work which involves caring for others at this stage in my return both to better health & employment. I am just too sensitive & sometimes care too much & it all gets too much for me to handle.
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Recent events have caused me to question my own ability to cope. My self belief, is for the time being evaporating, after so much progress.
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A wonderful haven "the angels forum" has been visited by devils & mischief makers. There are so many good people there yet a few are intent on their own selfish means & show no respect for other peoples feelings or points of view. Labels wars sicken me. Gender dysphoria affects people to varying degrees at differing stages in their lives. No one persons way is the only way to cope with it. I sadly guess this kind of thing happens quite a lot on these kind of support forums. A lot of vulnerable people can be hurt or even lost for ever. I can certainly understand why many TS migrate away from the community. The kind ones who stay & are able to share their valuable experiences & provide accurate honest advice are an invaluable life line for so many. I can do empathy but that honest advice, sometimes which we do not want to hear can be a life safer. It takes special people to do that & stand up for our rights. Sadly there seems to be some jealousy & also a small number who appear elitist.
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I just want to be able to get on with my life. I am a woman who has been born with a deformity at birth, not a transwoman which I guess is what I am at this stage in my transition. I would love to be able to live in stealth but I am realistic enough to realise that cannot be. I am then faced with the reality of for ever being a transwoman, shamefully in some peoples opinions a freak, a non person with no rights. What has troubled me with this, is that I have felt myself apologising for being TS for several months at the start of my real life experience. Its only recently I have realised I have as much right to be who I am as any other person. If I am being transphobic myself what hope is there for understanding & acceptance by society.
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I then found I was reflecting those beliefs on my parents, as they were originally responsible for me having them. My own insecurities & frustrations had led me to selfishly lash out at my loved ones last night. In reality my parents had realised they were wrong & had been doing the best they possibly could to readdress them & support me as best they could. A perfectly resonable posting on the forum regarding Transmillitant & the emotional replies had re-opened up so many negative feelings regarding discrimination. I felt awful & deeply regret my actions. My poor mum was really upset & my behaviour was dreadful. It did none of my family any good & has led to a lot of soul searching & tears.
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I recognise the critical point I am at in my journey. I need to test myself in the real world. I feel ashamed saying this after the kind support & love I have experienced on line but I have recognised I have become slightly addicted to this safe cyber world. I would never have got this far without the friends I have made here. Bloging provides great theraputic value. I have never felt part of the trans community & recent self destructive events on Angels have driven me to this realisation.
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I need to move on.
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Am I chasing R a i n b o w s?
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Love
Debbie

Saturday 12 July 2008

Wuff times

Right now I feel totally exhausted. A familiar theme for so many of our lives judging from a number of recent blogs entries I guess.

Personally I have been making really positive steps in recent times but I have had a lot of worries about family & friends since I last posted.

My dear Mums health has been my biggest worry. Bless her. We have all been concerned for our little doggy. He is part of our family. He is four years old now & has been having bad tummy problems for much of this year. We have been back & forth to the vets & he has the usual injections & tablets together with a special diet to cure it. This time they have not really worked. The vets have advised us he may need an operation.
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My poor Mum has been frantic with worry & stressing herself out. This reached a head when while watching television one evening earlier this week she grabbed at her chest momentarily as a pain shot through her. She has a history of angina attacks & takes medication to ease the symptoms but does not use a spray as the attacks have been infrequent in recent times. She tried to play down the incident & seemed to stabilise very quickly. It was touch & go whether we should call an ambulance but there were no pins & needles or loss of feeling. Mum completely refused all our requests for her to get medical attention. She did not want a fuss made & only became more agitated at our concern. Reluctantly we agreed to her request & since then she has not appeared to have any more problems, or at least none that she has told us about. I cannot even get her to go to see her GP. If it were Dad or I she would be on the phone booking an appointment. I will never forgive myself if anything happens to her in the coming weeks. How I wish I could at least persuade her to go for a check up with her doctor.
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If Olympic medals were awarded for worrying Mum & I would be among the favourites to win Gold, although knowing our luck more likely to finish fourth!
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In all honesty because of my inability to ever have a family of my own & provide my dear Mum & Dad with the grandchildren they have longed for, we lavish our love on our pets. A precious childs life cannot possibly equate to that of a pet but for pet lovers that bond is very similar. Our latest bundle of furry fun, has been like a ray of sunshine. He arrived in our lives at a time when we never dared dream we could have another doggy. With the advanced age of my beloved elderly parents, in normal circumstances this would not have been possible. My parents knew how much we had grieved for our last doggy who had diabetes & required a lot of care. Four months after he passed away with my health in meltdown ,suffering from severe depression, by chance of fate an ad appeared in the local newspaper, advertising Corgi puppies. They were only one mile away from where my parents meet their friends at a club I take them to most weekends. My dear parents kindly agreed we could have him, providing I look after him & take him for walks. They did this just to try & lift my depression. Come rain or shine except for the odd times when I was just too ill he got me out in the fresh air for some exercise. My Dad comes too in the mornings, if he can & the weathers nice. He has very bad knees & sometimes cannot walk. It does us all good. Exercise & the companionship of a pet are in my humble opinion a far better way to lift mild depression than any medication. We all felt so Lucky to have him.
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Yesterday I had to take our doggy to the vets for an ultra sound for which he needed to be anaesthetised for his own comfort during the procedure. I felt awful leaving him there, like I had done the dirty on my little buddy but we had to be cruel to be kind. He had been passing blood & becoming more aggressive towards other dogs & even us when he was in pain, the poor love. The veterinary staff were all so kind. After all the visits we had with our diabetic corgi this bought back all the memories. One nurse who became a good friend, still worked there. She knew about my situation but this was the first time she had met Debbie. We had shed many tears together over our last doggy, as towards the last year of his life, I was there every other day, getting treatment & checks done. Meeting her like this only heightened the emotions. Our latest little chap is already very nervous of going to the vets & I was welling up with tears as he looked up at me with his soulful sad eyes, pleading with me not to leave him. Our home was so quiet without him for 6 hours. The silence was deafening. None of us felt like eating anything for dinner & the clock seemed to stop ticking. Finally at three o'clock we could phone up to see if he was alright.
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The vet assured us he is going to be fine & has nothing cancerous going on as far as they can tell. He has growths/cysts on his doggy prostrate & it is very swollen. This news combined with a problem with his intestines which requires further tests was not what we expected to hear but could have been a lot worse. The vet had prepared us for the likely hood he would possibly need to be castrated & the scan confirmed the excessive male hormones he was producing had been effecting his prostrate as well as his mood. He is such a proud little boy & if it was only a case of needing to be done to lower his aggression & change his moods I would have been against it but he has been in pain & discomfort & this has to be done. The poor little love is going to have an operation to remove his prostrate & castrate him in about 2 weeks time if he is well enough. Today he is bouncing around like a puppy, bless him. Mum seems to be dealing with the news quiet well & is good spirits thank goodness. I just hope she will be ok in the coming weeks. Ironically after my last posting he looks like he might be getting his op done before me. In jest I did warn him a few times when he growled at us occasionally & other dogs. Quite often, large dogs. I did try to warn him, bless him. We just want him well again & will all be so glad when its over, although our little mate may disagree!
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I only have a small family, my dear Mum, Dad & the doggy. They are my world. In many ways there has been a role reversal in our relationship in the last ten years. I have become much more responsible for looking after my parents, when my health permitted. They have done so much for me & should be able to relax & take things more easy at their time in life. Instead of which they have to deal with the oldest teenage daughter in the world! We care for each other deeply & have so much to be grateful for. Our close relationship & precious time together, is sadly becoming much more of a rarity in the nuclear family.
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Family life sure has its challenges. OMG I cannot imagine how on earth you cope when you have real children to worry about & not just a family pet. I would have loved to be a Mum but it was just not meant to be. My parents & I have gotten over that sadness & have come to accept it may have been for a reason. I fear, had I been fortunate enough to have had a family of my own, they would have been at risk of being smothered & over protected with our love, which is not a good thing. After nurturing a child & investing all that love & effort, you have to hope you have equipped them with all the skills to blossom & have a fulfilled life. There comes a time when you have to let your children go. Part of the problems I have encountered with the relationship I have with my parents is that I have never really been able to separate our lives & build an independent life. That has led to our close relationship becoming a little unhealthy for all of us, at times. Getting the balance right must be so hard to achieve. It is no wonder my parents decided one child was enough!
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I having nothing but admiration & respect for good parents who are devoted to doing the right thing for their children, no matter what their circumstances. It takes a really special person to be a good parent. I think you are all amazing.
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Love
Debbie