Debbie K Being True to my heART

Reaching out

2011-11-07T04:04:00.000-08:00

I used to get very concerned when friends who were going through really difficult times stopped blogging for any length of time. This post is prompted by that anxiety & the realisation that my so infrequent posting may be causing worry to those of you who have so kindly visited my blog.

I am ok. I hope you are too? I feel as though I am running on empty at times just now but I have managed to keep going & have so much to be grateful for. Demands on my time prevent me gaining access to a computer for personal stuff but it does not stop me thinking about the lives of my friends. So often on line friends have been such an important life line & have made such a difference to my life when I needed help the most. Just now I also find it hard to sit at my home computer for any length of time because emotionally it can trigger some painful memories at a time I recognise I am vulnerable to depression. I even struggle to be able to check my emails, please forgive me. I even forgot to add a post to celebrate the second anniversary of my gender affirmation surgery (happy photo of the day, above) which dear Lucy reminded me about.

The course of six b12 injections I have been given are yet to show any positive effect. In fact after the first one I actually ended up in the accident and emergency department of the hospital I work in, such was the in balance in my blood cells at the time. I just need to give it more time be patient. The very good news is that I have not had any more attacks on my leg muscles since having the jabs. I can walk & even managed a very short run while out with our doggy recently. This week I have started taking some folic acid tablets as my doctors blood tests showed I was also quite deficient in that too.

My parents remain my priority. They have their good & bad days. Mums been poorly with suspected Diverticulitis & Dad became a bit breathless on our morning walk recently. I count our blessings every day we have together. The simple pleasures in life & taking one day at a time are our family mantra.

At work we are so short staffed. We all try to keep going but we seem to have a lot off work with family worries & health problems. Often we work through lunch, every task urgent. The world seems such a stressful place & this is a familiar story for so many. All our jobs are still at risk but the deadline when they will tell us if we still have a job has been shifted to February. We are lucky we still have a job. That said, there are more important things in life, than your work, without your health you have nothing.

Life is so precious & even on the greyest days can be so rewarding, so humbling.

During a day helping in the children's cancer ward I was so privileged to meet a young lady going through major cancer treatment. She appeared quite physically weak yet spiritually so incredibly strong.

She had been asked by her headmaster to write a speech about something she was passionate about. Then she was asked to read it out to an audience of all her school class mates. Her passion was dancing. She loved to dance, it meant so much to her but her aching body was preventing her partaking in something she cared so much about. She was so brave facing her problems. Her frame so frail; her beautiful head devoid of hair, its crowning glory & so important a part of any young woman's appearance. None of this phased her.

She told us she was a little concerned about public speaking, expressing her innermost feelings, even to an audience of friends. She has shown such courage we all knew she would be able to face that challenge. Her speech proved to be a stunning success. Her grasp of reality so true. Her words carried such meaning & should be an inspiration to so many.

She was encouraged to practice by reading her speech out to a small group of us in the hospital class room. There was not a dry eye left in the room. She spoke so eloquently. Her thoughts ranged from the prejudice some male dancers may face, to the need to live in the moment, never ever to take anything for granted. Her wisdom, her grasp of how important it is to live life; reached out & touched our hearts. I hope & pray with all my heart she can get well again soon & return to her dance!

Peace be with you
Love
Debbie

Keeping faith.

2011-09-17T04:40:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry it has been so long since I have been able to keep in touch. I have had a number of episodes where I have been left unable to walk properly resulting in two emergency visits to hospital. I had nearly a month off work & on my return found the new job I had worked so hard to keep was at risk & I may be made redundant. All this paled into insignificance when earlier this month my Dad overdid things gardening on a hot day & collapsed while I was at work. I felt so guilty not being there for them. Our kind neighbour saved the day & helped rehydrate him. He thankfully made a recovery but with his 87th birthday soon his well being & confidence have really taken a blow.

So much seems to have happened to our friends lives since I was last here. I have been thinking about my friends a lot. I feel sorry I have neglected dear friends like Lucy. I was so pleased to discover two dear friends Jo & Lori have returned to share their lives with us once more. They have been special friends, sharing their good times & their bad. So kind & always caring

I feel humbled & take inspiration from how friends conduct themselves in adversity. The spirit they show. I always try to imagine how they may be feeling, what it may be like to walk in their shoes. The quote on lori’s blog “Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle..." seem so appropriate for my recent life experiences.

Back in July I had been really struggling with my health & becoming increasingly emotionally driven.

In my Mums words “It was as though the light that had been shining in my eyes had gone out”. I had put it all down to my vulnerability to depression & was determined not to let it beat me. I wanted to look after my family, keep my job, be there for my friends & not let anyone down. Sometimes I can be too self critical & not make allowances for how I was feeling or ask for help. I was increasingly worrying about my Dads declining health & the plight of so many of my friends.

In the space of three days I found my life turned upside down. I struggled to help at work & felt so fatigued I had to leave early. Over a weekend my legs felt heavier & heavier to the point I could no longer walk properly. On the point of collapse, using my dear Dads walking stick to support me, I got an emergency appointment to see a doctor. She discovered I had a temperature of 39. A temperature she had never seen before in an adult. I also had a severe infection which she felt must have been going on for some time. Her declaration she had never seen a patient looking so ill seemed to make me feel worse. She immediately referred me to the acute medical unit of the local hospital, the very same hospital I normally work in.

In emergency once again the NHS came to our families rescue & could not have been kinder or more helpful.

I recall arriving semi conscious falling out of a taxi with my dear Mum by my side. I found her seconding a wheelchair from reception to attempt to push me to ACU before I stopped her & a member of staff came to our aid. The doctors & Nurses truly where angels without wings. Reassuring both Mum & I, whose specialist subject would likely be “anxiety “ every step of the way. All kinds of tests followed, blood, water & xrays. They concluded because of the severity of the water infection & the duration it had been allowed to go on without showing any obvious symptoms it had found a weakness in my muscles which a course of antibiotics should cure. They appeared to do the trick but the side effects of the medication caused a level of pain in my ears that was the most physically painful of my life, until some cocodomyl kicked in.

My legs felt as though I had just run a marathon. I wanted to trying do too much too soon landed me a ticking off from the doctor who ordered me complete rest for a while. The sight of my dear parents having to do all the work looking after me at a time when they should be taking things easy was so disturbing at the time. On reflection they had found a strength inside them which gave them the desire to do things we had perhaps all lost faith that they could at their tender years attempt. To see them both renewed & empowered was a joy to behold.

Everyday I rested our doggy would wait patiently at the bottom of our stairs to see me. I was too weak to be able to walk him. The last time Dad had taken our doggy out on his own; he had fallen & badly bruised his face. This time Mum donned her warm clothes & water proofs to go with him regardless of the impact of the inclement weather on her much loved hairdo! Love found a way.

As the strength in my legs grew stronger I came for walks with them. Dad refused his stick insisting I use it until I felt much better. This proved very insightful as now our roles were some how reversed. There had been brief moments of anxiety at times when I was afraid I may be late for work when Dads frailty had caused him to struggle to walk. There he was walking more upright, more alive than he had been for such a long time.

When I first went into work to let them know how I was doing my Dad came with me to look after me in case I fell. I introduced him to everyone. It was a beautiful moving experience. To see the Dad who in the past turmoil of our lives pre transition had said he could never walk with me as his daughter, stand their by my side, with the colleagues who were all my friends, warmly putting him at ease, was magical. A day we had for different reasons never really had the faith could ever happen! We had now metaphorically both taken a walk in the other persons shoes.

A month later I managed to go back to work even though I could not walk very far at all. I struggled in only to find my collegues & I, like so many all over the world during the recession, being called to a meeting to be told all our jobs were at risk & we may be made redundant by Christmas. I felt so sorry for my long serving dedicated collegues. They have all made me feel so welcome & so supportive. Life is tough for everyone.

A month after I came back to work I went through a mildly stressful morning & felt the build up off feeling in my legs that signalled the return of another attack. Within 20 yards I collapsed & this time had the chance to travel in an ambulance back to hospital. I felt something of a fraud as I actually felt a lot better in myself than my last emergency visit to the acute medical department as I did not have a high temperature at all, just no control over my thigh muscles. The staff were all brilliant once again, but in spite of further tests could not establish a definite cause for my condition as no infection was present. I did at least recover a lot quicker. As my job was at risk I had asked permission from the consultant if I felt strong enough to return to work the following day to be allowed to go in. He agreed to this but explained should I have further episodes I would possibly need to referred to a neurology as an outpatient for further tests. I just wish I knew what caused it. For once a label would be nice.

Since then my Dad was sadly poorly but thankfully now on the mend. I had one more very mild brief attack until this week when I had to use a stick to walk for a couple of days. I had more blood tests done ironically in the childrens department, thanks to friends. They got the tests done really quickly for me. So quickly that when I finally got back home to see my post yesterday a day later I had a letter from my doctor asking me to come back to see her as something had shown up on the tests. Knowing that they have actually found something is reassuring but also the not knowing what is just a little scary.

Sorry for writing so much after being away for so long.
I am not sure when my legs will allow me to get to a computer again to access the www but I hope to catch up with you all soon
Love
Debbie x

The perfect storm

2011-04-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

I have been unable to find the words to blog lately. With all the troubles in the world, the heartbreaking stories from far away places, I am in awe of the courage & spirit of those families in such peril.
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A number of my closest friends are going through major life changing challenges. Life threatening health conditions, losing the loves of their lives, their livelihoods & possibly their homes. They all had what appeared to be idealic lives. These friends are the very people who stood up & supported me on my journey. I care so much about them. The foundations of their lives, their safe havens have become such difficult places. We all seemed like one extended family. Our lives all linked by a common interest, a sense of belonging.
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They were there for me & I have tried to be there for them. The pace of all our lives seems to have grown so much quicker as have the speed of changes, this year. Nothing stays the same for ever. We do not seem to have the time like we used to, to meet up, share some happy times. As our lives once collided so now they seem to have drifted apart. How I miss that closeness we once shared. The chance to make new friends fills me with both excitement & anxiety. I question now as reality has replaced the heady atmosphere of a much reduced dysphoric world I now inhabit.
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When making new friends, when letting people get close am I always fated to have my past dragged up & used against me when it suits the other person. For ever a trump T card to throw into any relationship?
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Until events in the last 6 months I really had generally just been getting on with life. Now with my confidence in shreads there is a nagging doubt with every new social encounter, akin to a time delay on life. Life is for living. Enjoy the good times while you can.
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Alas I dared hope that my old friend depression would never feel a constant companion again but circumstances have recently conspired against me, an almost perfect storm. They do warn you that sometimes after the euphoria of transitioning, achieving all the changes you need to make to your life. you may experience a dip in mood.
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A time of reflection. I look now at just how much I once had that has now gone. The price I have had to pay to transition. At first life was incredible so natural so easy, so peaceful. Its only now as the perfect storm appears to have washed away what I held so dear, that the dark clouds have descended.
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My demons are the social isolation I have found myself sinking in to. My confidence eroded by the hurt I feel at events orchestrated by a man who ironically uses & abuses his friends at will. Like a virus he has infected & destroyed a number of very special friendships involving several different female friendships. My very nature is to wish all my friends could be happy together evn though I know that is not always possible. People change, not just people like me. I need to take responsibility for how I feel but its been so hard of late.
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I feel afraid to let anyone get close to me ever again. How do I re-find my trust in human nature, the strength inside me to overcome all the pain that I feel? . I look from the shore at the wreck we once all sailed in. A voyage of discovery we once all shared. Both a truly creative enlightening world & a world full of courageous like minded souls. Now it all seems gone our lives on different paths once more. The painting of Miranda The tempest by John William Waterhouse captures my feelings far more than my inadequate words.
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I feel guilty as though I am letting down my parents, my true friends & all the doctors, who have been there for me. I have so much to be grateful for. I hate posting negative feelings & removed this posting only to find I had worried some dear friends by the very nature of the title. My Mum had actually been so worried by my black mood that she feared I may do some harm to myself which I never will. I really do have too much to live for.
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I have been afraid to express how vulnerable I have been feeling in the last couple of months. I have had to take shelter, feelings of isolation, deliberately not wishing to burden friends who have so much to deal with. You are always in my thoughts.
Peace & hugs.
Love Debbie x

A moment in time

2011-02-07T07:47:00.000-08:00

"Making your way in life takes everything you got", the opening line from the Cheers them tune hits the right note for me this year http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvRGh2NEjSU . I have been so busy living life this year I have sadly not been able to update my blog for a while.

Transitioning my working life from purely doing voluntary work; to some much appreciated financially paid employment as well has been challenging. With my devotion to my family it has been a very tricky time meeting every ones needs as well & adjusting our lifestyles. There is a sense of role reversal for my parents & I. About time they could enjoy their retirement & stop worrying about their daughter,...if only that were true. I have a better appreciation now of how difficult it must be for new Mums to have to leave their children to go to work or for those who have been away for along time looking to return to the workplace.

My dear friend Lucy has been such a kind compassionate friend to me & I was so pleased to meet up with her again this weekend. She has been through so much & has such a friendly sweet nature everyone who meets her falls under her charming ways. She is soon about to undergo a life affirming experience at the same Brighton hospital I went to for my GRS remarked, you look so alive. We had a lovely time together. She is so serene so calm & peaceful we both have complete faith this will be right for her.

For me what has been so magical about the changes I needed to make to my life is that I am able to be at peace with myself now, so alive. I interact with the living, no longer a ghost or trapped by an invisible barrier to entomb me in myself.

Life is so different for me now, I have to be careful to check in with my “new self” not the old if that makes sense. The old self Bob existed through so much turmoil but without a true sense of self, could never truly partake in life or find the energy to keep fighting against how things felt inside mind or soul. Pre-transitioning living/existing in perpetual anguish with zero self esteem, no confidence & a daunting future sacrificed for loved ones, crushed by external pressures real or imagined, took real courage & for those in similar situation my heart goes out to you.

Finally discovering I had the strength within to overcome some of the hurt that was holding me back & survive all the pain. To overcome my fears of what I may lose, discovering who actually owned some of the fears I had believed were mine, proved a turning point.

My new self Debbie with her sense of self so full filled has a far more rewarding life even though I may have swapped one lot of challenges for another. The potential physical pain of the major surgery grs and ffs was for me fortunately very minimal with regard to recovery from GRS. With FFS the challenge in the first ten hours post op the worst physical pain of my life but for me that was easy compared with the mental trauma of trying to live with a dysphoric screaming voice inside me that cried out ever stronger with each day to push me to a very dark place. For me there was no mental anguish with either surgery, more a mixture of tranquility & euphoria. Transitioning really did feel like going from a dark monochrome place to a life full of colour. Every time I faced my fears I found my sense of self, my faith in myself & my religion grow ever stronger.

No ones way regarding dealing with dysphoria is right or wrong it has to be what is right & possible for them. Transitioning did not take away magically all my problems. I knew it never would. I have many more good days than bad now. To be able to stop looking inward all the time, second guessing, thinking what if, I now know my truth. GRS was not an end of my journey, nor a badge of honour, just a very important pivotal procedure, a moment in time, a leap of faith, I had complete faith in!

I still fall easily, I may always be vulnerable to certain health issues particularly anxiety but to be able to see more clearly outward, to be able to bounce back after experiencing so much change/turmoil to survive & be able to appreciate the simple things in life, is both a heaven sent gift & a joy.

I am not schizophrenic, two people in one body. I cannot deny my past but I have no wish to live there either, I never truly authentically lived back in my past. The photo above captures a magical moment in time when two Tigeeeeers broke their self imposed boundaries; sadly they are still trapped in captivity by societies will. Safe, well looked after, hopefully they will help their kind to be more understood, appreciated, an advert for their kind’s conservation but sadly not able to live their lives as nature truly intended. In our life times the only tigers left may be captive ones as they are so vulnerable to human kind. I could have waited a very long time to capture such a moment on film but when I least expected it, nature was kind to me.

I have been so busy so far this year I have struggled even to find a moment to keep in touch with some of my friends, especially those not logistically close to home. When a far away friends blog goes quiet for too long unless you know they are really busy you do begin to worry something may be wrong. One dear friends had even begun to become concerned for me & phoned to see how I was. Julia a very intuitive friend sensed there may be something wrong. I had not been able to get near my computer for a while & not been home when she had phoned. By chance she caught up with me & her call was really appreciated.

Below is part of an email to my inspirational volunteer manager at the hospital where I began my new working life. She was the only person who I felt needed to know all of my past as I began my attempt to return to the workplace with my new more appropriate role in life. I had to give up my previous career of nearly thirty years due to ill heath & my job no longer existing back in 2005 & it’s been a long journey back. The email covers my experiences over the last ten days or so but also a bit about how I feel now, my reflections writing this blog post, with my new life & how grateful I am for our NHS.

Dear ##

Last Tuesday I came home from work with a piercing headache & felt sick. I just could not settle & before I could react I experienced the worst panic attack of my life. http://http//www.nhs.uk/Livewell/phobias/Pages/Panicattacks.aspx My Mum phoned for a paramedic who arrived so quickly & was so helpful. He talked me down, slowly & calmly. My legs were numb but gradually he got me to focus on my surroundings and regain control of my breathing. I spent most of last Wednesday recovering in bed. I took your advice & let the ## department I work in, know I was unwell & not able to come in for a bit of "as & when" volunteering doing admin computer training that day. They were very understanding & so supportive. They really make me feel part of their team which means so much to me.

From a previously very masculine dominated blokey bloke workplace and perceived role, I felt so much more at peace in the skin I was now in, the workplace & the way I was perceived now. I appreciate any job can be done by any gender but there are old fashioned views held in some quarters. Recent views expressed by the cavemen Andy Gray & Richard Keys spring to mind. The pressure heaped on their Innocent victim unintentional or not was thoughtless & so cruel. There is a fine line between banter and bullying of which both genders can be guilty but I digress.

I have not had a panic attack for at least three years and never expected the panic attack, particularly as I had such a good day working in the ## Ward and did not feel at all anxious. The previous week in the ward I worked on until nearly 6 o’clock as I had to take time out to run over to various departments trying to arrange my transition from purely voluntary work to being paid for some hours & wanted to finish some artwork for a display they needed a.s.a.p.

In retrospect the panic attack was more my old body physically warning me to slow down & perhaps also due to a virus that seems prevalent in the department I had been working in. On the same day I had to rest in bed I also received some great help from the doctor who is giving me cognitive therapy. She gave me some additional coping techniques to keep me going but warned me to take things steady & make allowances for how I was feeling. Prepare some plans to help manage my day correctly for all concerned. Only I could judge if it was more appropriate I stayed away or went in. What would be better for my well being? I did not want to fail or let anyone down. The only way to regain my confidence I felt was to at least try to go to work, something my old self had previously understandably been unable to do.

Thursday I went into work & took things steady in the morning but was able to support the team. In the afternoon I managed to get my brain in gear & completed two sections of online training which involved me working on a little, but it really boosted my fragile confidence as I am feeling so vulnerable. My thinking was "The sooner I get my training done the sooner I could be productive again & support the team properly". It is always easier to give advice to others about taking on too much but we sometimes fail to listen to our own advice. I should definitely have listened to the advice my parents & the medical staff had given me.

Friday I came in to work again but had to rush home for my first ever mammogram. Again the patient care & respect was second to none. I rushed back in the afternoon and completed an almost four hour online training session which made me late getting home. It was one of those online tests that unless you finished it completely you would lose all the hours work you had spent & would need to do it all over again. I phoned my parents to warn them I would be a little late & check they were ok.

My dear Dad trying to help took our doggy for a walk as I was running late & tragically fell over, damaged his knee & cut his nose badly which really shock him up & Mum as he looked so terrible. I felt so guilty at me not being there for him and putting my work before my family. This was my biggest fear when I tried to return to the workplace. Finding the right balance between returning to work & my responsibilities as a carer to my parents; who bless them also on occasion still have to care for me, is not easy & a source of anxiety & worry for us all.

When I got in my Dad looked terrible. I had to take my Dad to the local Health Centre which is being threatened with closure due to the cuts. Again the care was wonderful. They were so busy; the waiting room was full up but they never stopped caring for my Dad or showing any signs of the pressure they were working under.

In retrospect again my volunteer manager having read my email to her,wisely advised don't do guilt, it is a waste of emotion! Your dad chose to take the dog out - it gave him exercise and made him feel independent and helpful, ok he fell, so could you have done! Could you imagine coming in with a black eye or bumps and bruises???????

Dad like me struggled for a few days but he came out for a gentle walk today. I am doing art work for ## department & the ## ward at home today, the most rewarding job I have ever had. Every grey cloud has a silver lining. I cannot thank the staff in the NHS enough. All of you!

The care my family & I have received from the NHS particularly when we have been in crisis; as we have this last week and many times before, has been absolutely magnificent.

PS Please forgive me for the above rather long email; it is all about my gratitude for "our NHS" & keeping you up to date with my health/volunteering/work situation.

I will write you that email I promised highlighting the benefits of volunteering. Less is perhaps more. The BBC recently ran a story about "mindfulness" & the quote below beautifully sums up so much of how I feel regarding volunteering.

Doing things to help others is not only good for those we help it has a very positive effect on our well being too. When people experience kindness they also feel kinder too so kindness really can become infectious.

Thank you with all my heART.

I never thought for one moment or dared dream one day my life could be full filled like it is now.

A month without bloging is too long.

Kindest regards
Debbie xx

Merry Christmas From Debbie

2010-12-20T08:29:00.000-08:00

The human spirit is a wonderful thing. I have been privileged to be working with some incredible patients in recent months at our Hospital. The children of the children’s cancer ward are truly inspirational as are the staff. They somehow manage to concentrate their emotions on the "here & now".

They are the bravest of the brave. The staff seem to focus on giving the children as normal a day as possible, always encouraging/planning for their future but in a very subtle way. Both the staff, the children & their families find the most amazing faith inside them in such adversity, a belief they really do have a future together.

Time is the most precious of gifts. As we all seem to rush around trying to cope with transport problems & the commercial hype of Christmas the meaning of Christmas can sometimes be lost. It can all get so stressful wishing we had been better organized & delivered all our cards, bought all our presents early, managed to see all our friends & family.

Volunteering can sometimes be the best paid job in the world.

A month ago I began the most rewarding, heartwarming, humbling, heart breaking job I have ever had. I did not know if I could be emotionally strong enough to cope. I was to be working in the same ward my cousin’s courageous son who had leukemia twice & had a heart transplant as a result of his treatment. The ward had only just opened then but all these years later the compassionate staff still remembered him & his parents. With his passing this year I was afraid I may let everyone down & the last thing I wanted to do was to become emotional in front of the children I would be working with. The staff had reassured me working in the ward would be a life changing experience & they were right. All the baggage, my insecurities, my fears etc evaporate as you enter the ward.

I was asked to provide some art therapy for a young lady who was a patient at the hospital. To look at her she appeared to be doing so well. She was so enthusiastic to do something creative. I had earlier prepared some simplistic child friendly images of an owl that could be made into a collage or painted. She wanted to do something more realistic & grown up; more akin to the owl in a Harry potter Film, so we sat down together & experienced something truly magical.

I would paint one wing, and then she would work on the other. She was so determined to do her best & became upset with her self when things did not go quite as she hoped. I told her not to worry & just enjoy painting. We could always make things right with the painting. Together we would give her the wings to help her creative confidence fly. I encouraged her & got her to correct my lousy wing as hers was so much better than mine. We then worked on the eyes. She watched & listened intently. Her Mum came to join us & was so pleased to see her daughter enjoy herself so much. We lost track of time. Doctors came & asked her how she was feeling. Nurses checked on her too but nothing seemed to distract her from painting. I had checked with her Mum & the resident teacher what time we needed to finish so as not to tire her. When her Mum came in with some tablets I knew we had to come to a close. I asked her to sign her beautiful owl & she beamed the warmest of smiles. Her Mum was so pleased. She had the difficult task of asking her daughter to take an extra tablet both of them knowing they would make her feel worse before she could begin to feel better. I waved to them as they left to go back to the ward from our classroom.
It was only then I was informed by the teacher what she had been through. That she had been there a couple of months & been really poorly, sleeping most of the time or not able to take an interest in anything due to her health. The ability of the children, their family & staff to focus on the “here & now” is so inspirational & humbling. Just for a moment we shared a universe where emotions & mind found a unique peace.

I have been working there one day a week, ever since, more if I could. Last week we had the Christmas Nativity Concert. There were so much, joy & laughter. They do not entertain sad thoughts only hope & positivety.

A young boy who had been in hospital for much of the past two years sitting in the audience stole the show; when he reappeared wearing a Father Christmas costume, playing Christmas Carols on the violin.

This week I received a job offer to start part time paid work at the hospital doing admin work which I am really grateful for. Hopefully all the paperwork can be sorted out for me to start some time early in the New Year. I am looking forward to being able to pay my way in the world again.

I hope you can all come home safely to enjoy your Christmas with your family, friends, your loved ones.

Some things as precious as time, can be worth far more than money.

Wishing you all a very Mery Christmas
Good Health & Happiness in 2011.
Peace be with you.

Love
Debbie

May Peace be your gift this Christmas.

2010-12-12T04:24:00.000-08:00

This is a little different.......................Happy Christmas to you all.

T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

HE LIVED ALL ALONE,

IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE,

MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY,

WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,

AND TO SEE JUST WHO,

IN THIS HOME, DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,

A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,

NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,

NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,

JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,

ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES,

OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,

AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,

A SOBER THOUGHT,

CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,

IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,

I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,

ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,

SILENT, ALONE,

CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR,

IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,

THE ROOM IN DISORDER,

NOT HOW I PICTURED,

A TRUE BRITISH SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO,
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?

CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALISED THE FAMILIES,

THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,

OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS,

WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,

THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,

AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE,

A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM,

EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,

BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,

LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER,

HOW MANY LAY ALONE,

ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE,

IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT,

A TEAR TO MY EYE,

I DROPPED TO MY KNEES,

AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED,

AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,

"SANTA DON'T CRY,

THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,

I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,

MY LIFE IS MY GOD,

MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS.."

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,

AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,

I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,

I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,

SO SILENT AND STILL,

AND WE BOTH SHIVERED,

FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE,

ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,

THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR,

SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,

WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,

WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,

IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

This poem was written by a Peacekeeping soldier stationed overseas. The following is his request. I think it is reasonable.

PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favour of sending this to as many people as you can?
Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to all of the service men and women
for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of
what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us.
Please, do your small part to plant this small seed.

Paula.

I received this very poigniant poem from my best friend. It really makes you think.

May Peace be your gift this Christmas.
Love
Debbie x

Snow Lucky to have him.

2010-12-02T06:43:00.000-08:00

This little guy came in to my life when I was at a really low point.

He transformed all our lives.

He gave me a reason to come out from under my duvet & go out for walks.

It seems you are never without friends if you have a dog.

In no time at all he had me fully trained & had captured all our hearts.

He never judges me. He always listens, although he can sometimes be conveniently hard of hearing.

He did not complain when my appearance changed quite radically. He knew I was still the same person, only happier.

Come rain or shine or even snow, his enthusiasm to be my ever faithful companion remains.

He helps keep us all young at heart even when we can feel our age catching up.

We are truly blessed to have our dear little corgi for a friend. His love is unconditional although a biscuit in your pocket is always appreciated.

The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event.† You go to bed in one kind of a world and wake up in another quite different, and if this is not enchantment then where is it to be found?

Keep safe & warm.
Be happy
Bless you
Love
Debbie x

My first Anniversary

2010-11-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

My first Anniversary November 3rd 2010

It seems a life time ago since I posted anything on my blog. I wish I could bottle the feelings of peace & tranquility I felt after my surgery & send it with love to all the friends I have made & those I am yet to meet.

To have a glass of “mindfulness” for those times we all get during our lives where we face a huge challenge & we anxiously question what path we should take.

I feel so lucky to have had the surgery & had such excellent care. The seemingly endless medical rehabilitation involving longer periods of tiredness than I had perhaps anticipated & the tedium of all the time required in dilating to maintain the surgeons work, were all worthwhile.

The butterflies of deliberating what changes I needed to have, how to achieve them, with who, how & when was best for my loved ones & I, is now thankfully in my past. I had many sleepless nights before deciding what to do as I had always had trouble making decisions & trusting my judgement. Its hard to decipher all the information out there. I was lucky to find the right surgeon & hospital for me & my circumstances. A place whose staff I felt at ease with & confident in. Once the decision had been agreed I felt so much calmer although the time just seemed to race by, with so much to plan for. I certainly felt a whole lot easier once everything was in place. My biggest worry was the thought of coming off hormones before surgery & the effect on my emotions. I dealt with any anxiety as best I could by looking at the surgery as just another process to go through, a river to cross. The feelings you get on the other side are unique. For me they were life affirming, validating completely what my heart & soul felt but in truth for me was truly a leap of faith.

With all the uncertainties in the world, with the continued recession & cuts to services the opportunities to have any kind of surgery via the NHS is likely to become ever more difficult. I fear the surgery I was so blessed to have will be low down on the list of priorities & so when cuts need to be made, such operations will be first to to be delayed. After many years of feeling cursed, I really do know how lucky I am to have had the operation I needed. I had the most wonderful care & very little pain. In the few very difficult times in hospital when I had problems with excessive bleeding the care was second to none. Nothing was ever too much trouble for all of the team at the Nuffield in Brighton. Emotionally transitioning has been right for me. I had never experienced feeling so at peace & tranquil as felt post surgery. I surfed a wave of euphoria which lasted a very long time before crashing into the blue stuff. I am not sure if that was inevitable post op blues or the challenges of external events.

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending is a quote I read recently. I cannot deny my past even if I wished to. As a very shy private person with no self esteem & little confidence when I first transitioned it felt at first like I had to almost wear my past on my sleeve. By living the life I found a confidence within that I never dreamed possible. The GRS gave further validation. Life is not perfect for anyone. My hopes & dreams before surgery were realistic but were exceeded in many ways. It felt a very spiritual time for me.

I was extremely tired when I first came home from the hospital & had to go back on my HRT a.s.a.p. before I became too much of a moody cow! There was a period initially when I came home to recover which felt like testosterone's last stand. Probably due to being off hormones for several weeks & exhausted my body seemed to go through a second puberty. This involved changes to hair texture. I had been warned by the lady who did my laser & electrolysis that there may be a brief period when apparently dormant facial hair would have a spurt of regrowth & she was right. On the plus side there was to be an unexpected change in the texture of the hair on my head which has grown thicker with every month. Not a miracle growth but significant enough to boost my self esteem. Once the short period of hormonal imbalance settled down the tranquility returned. Gradually my body changed, I put on over a stone in weight, thankfully I needed to & most of it went in the right places. Although I had been on prescribed hormones for 12 years before my op & never been blessed with more than an A cup, they had almost completely disappeared in the 6 weeks I had to be without my HRT patches. The cheeks of my face which had been rather gaunt for several years filled out nicely. I have my bad hair days & days when my confidence evaporates due to an avalanche of insecurities but they feel "normal", the same as any other woman. I just get on with life now & when I fall on my bad days I find I can bounce back so much stronger, most of the time. From being too afraid to be my true self & wondering how people can go through so many changes, I now feel I have earned the right to be out there just getting on with my life, the same as any one else. I have always had respect & compassion for others but for so much of my life always treated myself in ways I would never have a friend. How I feel about my self has changed so much. The ordinariness of my everyday life, the simple pleasures, the quiet times are to be cherished. where once a dysphoric voice would always scream there is mostly always peace. Occasionally I have dysphoric times but I have been very happy with the outcome. Life has been so much better than it ever was before.

One of the realities I have had to come to terms with & have begun to question is when it comes to relationships; at work, socially or in our private lives, how I/we fit into this world as a woman with a certain historical past. Our past is always going to be there & with the potential to be used negatively against us when it suits. No matter how far we travel, the memories will follow in the baggage car.

I am very emotionally driven & its taken a while to realise I need to change my way of thinking .The golden times are when I am able to live for the moment for the "here & now".

I have made some wonderful friends. According to CS Lewis Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." So many of the friends I have made here have been inspirational. You helped support me on my journey especially through the difficult times & is something I will always be grateful for. You really helped transform my life.

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.

The tender handshake between myself & the remarkable Liz Hills on the day I left hospital says sooooooo much.

So sorry for leaving it so long between posts. I have been so busy living life. A minor temporary set back to my health with a virus made me feel a little poorly & unable to blog but its nice to be back online again.

God Bless.
Take care
Love
Debbie x

As one door closes another one opens.

2010-10-11T15:17:00.000-07:00

Some time ago during a rare quiet moment while I was working with the volunteer manager at my local hospital she had asked me "what dream job would you like to do if you were able to have the opportunity?" "Art therapist", I had replied. She explained they do not have many opportunities for that kind of role but she would try to find out for me. As I believed you needed to have a degree to do that kind of work I thought no more about it.

There is a familiar old saying "as one door closes another one opens".

On the very same day last month when I had received a letter bringing so much despair to my life, the hospital volunteer manager had been contacted by the acting head teacher of a very special school which is situated in the grounds of the hospital. They provide a homely and welcoming environment in order to support, care and manage children’s physical, psychological, educational and social needs from the ages of 0-16 years. They use a structured programme of care and treatment usually in a non medical setting. They are a highly specialised inpatient paediatric/psychiatric unit, providing assessment and treatment of serious chronic illness using holistic, medical and psychological models of treatment. Due to the unique implementation of a joint medical and psychological inpatient approach, they can sometimes offer treatment for a child/young person and their family if other treatment has not been successful. They wanted to meet me.

A week ago last Thursday I went for my for my first interview there. Miraculously I awoke after a very rare good nights sleep, minus depression & found myself climbing out of the bed on the right side, for the first time in ages. I was so nervous but I need not have worried. The deputy head teacher was so compassionate, just as you would imagine for some one in that position. She was impressed by my portfolio of work & willingness to help in any way I could. She invited me a long for a second interview where I could meet further members of the team including both nurses & teachers. They required an artistic person to support their full time teaching staff on one of the wards. I was a little taken aback when she asked me to attend the children's cancer ward where she needed to do an assessment for a child's educational needs.

I did not want to let anyone down. The children's needs & care are paramount. I could not say no but I was not sure if I was capable of providing the right kind of support to their so precious lives. This was a duty that requires you to be totally giving. No thoughts for self, no introspection, no insecurities, no gender issues. Recently my creativity had felt blocked & my emotions had been all over the place, which made me vigorously question if I could or should pursue this role even though it was potentially a golden opportunity to pursue a dream.

I went to the children's cancer ward on Thursday for the second interview. It proved to be a day which could change me for ever. In a world of total flux & uncertainty the one thing those courageous children could have some control over was their education. By offering them the chance to continue their education the wonderful staff gave them hope & belief they have a future. The staff quickly build up a very close relationship with the children.

They are an incredibly supportive, intuitive team & seem to have a second sense of how the children, their families & also their colleagues, are feeling. If they did not care or feel for the children in their care they would not be doing the job. All the staff care deeply & sometimes the emotions get too much for them when a child's health takes a turn for the worse. When this happens they have a quiet room to go to away from the children & their loved ones, as its vital they avoid distressing the children & their families. This was the part of the job I feared I may not be able to cope with. I had previously naively assumed these staff somehow possessed a special ability to control or hide their feelings from the children in their care. When a student, volunteer or new member of staff joins they always try to establish if the new team member has any emotional link with the ward such as Leukaemia in the family. This way they can better understand how they may react in certain circumstances so as to provide the best possible care for the children.

While speaking to the staff leader I felt it appropriate to tell them about my beloved nephew who had leukaemia twice & subsequently needed a heart transplant. I told them of all the wonderful medical care he had received then. When I told her his name she remembered him & his Mum. She had worked there many years & he was a patient when the ward had first opened some 19 years or so ago. It all looked very different now. I was amazed she had such a memory as they must have seen so many patients over the years. When she asked how he was doing now we both shed a tear as I had to tell her he had tragically passed away this year after his heart finally gave out. He had been an inspiration to all who had meet him & touched many lives with his marvellous outlook on life. He lived life to the full, cherishing every moment. Music was his great passion & he fulfilled his dreams by becoming a very successful DJ.

I never imagined one day the circumstances in which I would find myself visiting the same ward in which he had received so much compassionate care. I am not sure if I will be successful or if I am right for the role of supporting the staff in this ward but with the memory of my nephews courage, I am going to give my all, to every day.

The staff leader who I briefly worked with Thursday morning said those who come to the ward have their outlook on life changed for ever & she was right.

Surfing emotions

2010-10-11T02:50:00.001-07:00

Last week the tsunami of sadness that washed over me finally abated. I am trying hard to learn how to surf with the waves of emotions I am prone to rather than allow myself to be totally immersed in them, if that makes any sense? It is all very well being driven by my heart but I also need to be mindful to learn to use my head as well.

I have continued to receive some really heart warming support from my friends. Several phone calls & emails lifted me. My surfing needs a lot more work but every time I have failed I have managed to keep going & learned a few valuable lessons along the way.

Dependency is unhealthy. When you make anything the focus of your whole life, you create a deep seated fear of losing it. Ironically, your neediness can often make you lose what you most want to hold on to. If you invest too much of your emotions in only one aspect of your life, such as work or relationship you can set yourself up for pain. When you experience a loss in that area you are likely to experience emptiness, loneliness & depression. I have invested so much in my friendships & creativity. They both mean so much to me & I was so frightened I had lost them. In my case my art society group of friends had become like an extended family to me & I perhaps placed too much value on those friendships. I was also able to reaffirm how valuable true friends can be.

I realised I had begun to cut myself of completely from my creative friends, as it was all too painful. The thought of people blanking me who I had once thought were my friends, even if they may only be small in number filled me with dread. Equally if friends were too compassionate towards me I feared their kindness may dissolve me into a pool of tears. I felt anxious that my vulnerability may add fuel to those who were trying to smear my reputation. The endless self analysis I had put myself through beating myself up that what had happened to cause my depression was my entire fault came to an end last Monday, in what proved to be a tumultuous week.

I visited a very good friend who runs an art gallery & tutors many of my creative friends. I made sure I went when the gallery was quiet. I had actually introduced her to our art society in the days when it was so special. She was one of the first ladies the man who has caused me such pain had fallen out with & continued to behave so cruelly too. He had actually done her a favour because she found the confidence in herself to start up a successful new venture right at the start of the current recession. We have similar values; we appreciate all our friends & treat people the way we would like to be treated ourselves, with respect & kindness.

I was quite afraid I would have a panic attack just going back to her gallery as I had been going there one evening a week for informal tuition & a chat for quite some time. Many of our Art Group also went there too, including one who was very supportive of the guy who had hurt me & had been instrumental in my distress.

We talked for ages over a nice sugary cup of tea. So many of the experiences I had been going through she had felt too. The big difference was she has none of my T baggage or health issues. She has been so supportive of me when I finally came out to the world as needing to transition. If I am honest she was everything I wished I could have been. A wonderful Mum, supremely talented with a great husband, two teenage children, a loving family. Last year she had tragically lost her beloved Mum just as her new life with the gallery was proving such a success. Her life had experienced great change too.

We talked about so many emotions something I had never ever been able to experience in my previous existence when I was perceived to be a man. It was quite beautiful & life affirming. It was simply two girl friends together, totally platonic. She succeeded in helping me break the continuous never ending loop of depressive thoughts I had been beating myself with for weeks, in a way the medical team who had come to my rescue in recent weeks, my parents & other friends who had all tried so hard to help me had been unable to solve. She gave total validation for so much of the feelings I had been through & installed renewed confidence in me, that I could find the strength in me to turn my creative life around once more.

Peaceful thoughts
Love
Debbie

Hello Darkness my old friend issue 03: I really do have Angels for friends

2010-09-25T12:50:00.000-07:00

After being in remission for most of the last two years my depression has come back to such a degree that it has really scared me. I am dealing with it as best I can. I had been doing so well & feel like all the self confidence & esteem I had, has been completely kicked out of me, due to recent events.

I had deleted this post twice last week. I thought my mood was improving. I did not & do not want to worry any one but I am anxious & frightened just now. Its my dear Dads 86th birthday next week & my parents are due to go on a much needed Holiday shortly after. I should be focusing on his big day. I love him so much. My counsellor has her civil partnership next week on the same day as my Dads birthday. My best friends has been very worried about me. I have had some lovely emails & texts from friends who caught this post before I took it down. Special thanks go to Karen & Al. I am struggling so much. I am trying to hold every thing back from worrying those who still care about me. I am trying so hard not to let anyone down.

The depression comes in waves. Huge sadness followed by muted anger has become replaced by the blackest of depression. So black it felt as though I was only just short of having suicidal thoughts, in fact for a brief moment they flickered through my subconscious. I could feel the darkness coming over me. It was part of me for so long but I thought I had escaped its clutches.

Rather than let things go I have been questioning everything.

The value I place on all my friendships. The importance of how much a particular group of friends I have known for the last fifteen years mean to me. Especially as those going back earlier all rejected me once I transitioned. Feelings of how relationships with friends & the divisions caused by one dominating poison apple can bring back old fears of the prejudice of having been born as I have & with a history of mental health issues. The way people find themselves taking sides believing the lies that seep out. Assuming because you have transitioned or have a mental illness that you are some kind of freak/leper or some one you can patronize. Was I actually insane had I been behaving erratically to my friends?

There is also unquestionable an element of anxious self inflicted T paranoia. Even so, it does appear all too easy for me to be smeared or for people to question what has happened. If asked & I tell the truth I fear the man who hold so much sway with our group will destroy me with his bullying/smearing as he will get angry or if I say nothing it will be assumed I did something wrong. I cannot win. It plays on all the insecurities, paranoia I had about what may happen when I found myself needing to transition.

I am fighting with all my heart but the depression is still very bad. I promise you I know I have too much to live for but this is without doubt the biggest challenge to my health that I have faced since transitioning. With my judgment blurred by black depression & medication I have to be careful to keep questioning just how low my mood is. I found this quite useful http://www.firelily.com/support/depression/depression.selfcheck.html

My health records now stained with the return of depression my chances of ever finding paid work again seem even harder. Just when I was so close my vulnerability, my disability my anxiety has caught up with me. I was feeling so good & in my anxiety to give something back to the friends I love so much it has all gone so horribly wrong. I seem unable to control my reaction to the premeditated thoughtless behavior of a person completely opposite to me in the value he places on friendship.

I am trying to keep going. My creative group of friends have become like an extended family to me. They provided me with the friendships that enabled me to finally live as I should always have been. It provided a special haven with incredible friends. I clearly place too greater emphasize on those friendships. Reality is showing me that just now. With the exception of my true friends the lack of concern, the silence is deafening, the lies have been spread, their poison so destructive. I can see through my best friend’s eyes now how it must have appeared to her when I had tried to move on, it may have appeared I was dancing with the devil. I do not use friends I value each & every one.

My best friend & her husband held my hand as I began my transition & faced my eternal fears of risking being rejected, isolated from our mutual friends. All those fears proved unfounded back then. Had that gone wrong, had friends not been so kind I would not be here now.

How cheaply that which I held so precious can appear to be tossed aside by people I trusted. How needy how naive of me. We had been for a period right up to just before I began living full time as Debbie what may be quite rare an artistic group without ego's clicks or eletism. Sadly as my life needed to change so a change in circumstance for a pivitol character in my creative group of friends caused them huge stress & bought their own issues to the surface.

Right now it feels like a very special part of my life is completely dead. A very substantial part of the foundation on which I had been able to successfully transition has subsided into oblivion & taken my creativity with it. That all feels very frightening to me. I cannot go on like this. I felt hopeless, totally lost. I have to dig deep to get myself out of this. In writing this it looks like a cry for help, I fear I may be worrying any friends who read this. I promise I could not put my parents through the agony of ending my life but I seem to be stuck in a spiraling loop of depressive thoughts.

If only the source of all my recent worries had spoken to me first I could have easily resigned without any smearing going on. I should not let this all hurt me but it does. In my case I feel extremely vulnerable & marginalised because of the cruel way this has all been handled & frustrated at my continued inability to control my reaction.

I should have walked away when he bullied my friend two years ago but I was too weak then. His friendship with me ended that day I kept him at arms length an acquaintance. I had managed to move on but not forget. As I was so upset for the hurt I had unintentionally caused my best friend last year & a number of friends had been expressing how uncomfortable they felt at being amongst friends at our annual exhibition because of his behaviour towards them I made a determined effort to support them as they have me. My words in the catalogue pinned my colours to the mast, like a red rag to a bull. I am so pleased my most valued friendship survived.

Mum was very poorly last weekend because of the worry I was causing her. I took her to see her GP on Monday morning. She was looking a lot better then & her results were fortunately good. Once my reaction to events began harming the health of my parents I knew I had to act. I drove from Mums GP directly to the hospital that had been caring for me to see the duty doctor. When the receptionist kindly asked” how did your exhibition go?” I just lost it & burst into tears. As usual the care I received was exceptional. They managed to get me an appointment with the consultant who has been looking after me. With huge despair I accepted his advice to increase my medication after so much progress. If this saved my parents worrying about me I had to do it. I knew with my fragile mood & my creativity equally fragile taking anti-depressants would kill my anxiety but also my creativity but I had no choice. Last Tuesday I managed some how to blag my way through a day volunteering at the hospital but Tuesday night I felt physically sick at the thought of going to my art group.

On the Wednesday I had another appointment at the hospital for some cognitive therapy I had recently been attending http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx. The doctors conclusion regarding my reaction & behaviour was that I am a very compassionate person yet I was showing no compassion to myself. I would never treat a friend the way I was beating myself up for feeling so weak & vulnerable. My reaction to what had happened in context was perfectly valid but all the other issues I had loaded on top were crushing me. Most nights I had been unable to sleep properly often waking at 4 oclock crying & not getting back to sleep until 5 minutes before the alarm would go. The cumulative effect of this made my depressive episodes even worse.

Thursday I felt almost Zombie like but wanted to keep going. I managed to get into work in the afternoon & see some volunteer friends at a meeting in the evening. I did not want to let anyone down & wanted to deliver some photos for my best friend. Fortunately their kindness did not trigger off any more tears so the drugs must be working

On Friday I received the sweetest of supportive emails from one of my fellow committee members. Saturday I managed to drive to Brighton to deliver some pictures to my friend Lucy. She bought them at our recent exhibition. I should not really have driven. In my dark past I had occasionally driven with the competency of George Michael although all my medication was prescribed. I had a lovely time with a truly special friend who shows dignity & serenity way beyond my capabilities. She provided the most delicious cooked meal & excellent company. It was a shame to leave her.

Last Sunday I finally made some progress. The realisation that Mr ##it had almost certainly already planned to bin me before the exhibition crystallized. My parents made me see that. It was not my fault, my actions or anxiety. It was my reaction to an external event. If only I had not added so many inseccurities & issues on top. If only I could have let go then!

On Tuesday I managed to go to work again with only fours sleep but with my creativity blocked I could not face visiting my art group in the evening. I some how managed to keep going & by Friday my mood had lifted enough to give me hope.

My depression is thankfully easing a little but my mood is so erratic. I will get through this with the help of my parents, true friends & kind medical help.

After all the support & kindness that I have received. All the wonderful things that have happened in my new life I feel like I am letting everyone down by blogging this.

This Saturday my mood crashed again after a bad nights sleep. I managed to take my parents out to their social club this evening & hide how I was feeling from them. Alas I cracked & was really struggling on the way home. I was getting lower & lower & lower. Then a miracle happened. The phone rang. It was a true & special friend. Julia's timing was immaculate. I cried & cried. I talked & she listened & listened, bless her. I was not suicidal but I was so low until I found once more. I really do have Angels for friends!

Love
Debbie

Let it go

2010-09-08T12:54:00.000-07:00

When I am feeling bad & my heart is aching my emotions run & my tears flow. We all have our own problems, we all have our own thought processes. Mine are clearly emotion driven. I am too often guilty of over analysing things & just cannot let those destructive thoughts go.

I came across this track by U2 which I found very uplifting
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgBtoiNxPyE&feature=related

((((((Peaceful thoughts)))))))

Love
Debbie

Bless your hearts, thank you.

2010-09-08T03:56:00.000-07:00

Bless your hearts, thank you for all the kind replies to my previous angst ridden post crying for help. True friends who are there for you when you most need your spirits lifting are so important in life. They can give you a hug (even a cyber hug) as you all have, hold you by the hand to guide you & simultaneously touch your heart.

This post had started in despair & ends with great joy.

"I don't cope well with bullies.
I have never been able to stand up for myself.
I have never liked confrontation.

I had to fight back a mixture of desperately sad & dysphoric tears to put on my make up to take my dear Mum to the docs yesterday for an appointment with the Asthma nurse. I came so close to letting her down.

I am scared of letting everyone down & losing everything I have achieved. There are dark periods where I feel I am spiralling downwards out of control into depression, my foots pressing hard on the break but for the moment I have lost all control. Then little chinks of light, sprinkled by the Angels I am blessed to have as my true friends appear, which I cherish.

I fought so hard to get where I was so at peace with the world. For the first time since I had to stop painting a few years ago I had really discovered my passion for creativity & now this vile man threatens to rip that most precious gift from my fragile grasp.

I am struggling today even to get out of the door for a gift for my best friends birthday. I go from grief to anger back to self loathing at how weak I am.

I am off to hospital this afternoon for some urgent cognitive therapy. It was to have been a routine appointment to help teach me coping mechanisms to ward of the tsunami of emotions that I very occasionally feel so susceptible to because of my past life experiences. In the here & now I had been doing so well, this was just to be the icing on the cake & then this evil man reminds me of just how vulnerable I still am. The bullies winning & he is already spinning his evil smoke screen of lies.

What a picture of self pity this outburst has been".

Then the gift that true friends bring, that is absolutely priceless, perhaps something invisible to the eye that only the heART can see, lifted my spirits. To look outwards again not in.

I must keep my faith & change my negative thought processes to stop feeling this way. As Nicky kindly eluded to in her comments on my last post you can experience something life affirming when body and mind are finally at peace. You gain a strength inside you from the journey you have been on, which can give you inner strength previously never dreamed of. When I think of friends who have shown great courage, kindness & tremendous spirit it is poignant to remember a dear friend who should be having a special day today.

My dear wonderful friend Julia should be about to have her surgery at Charring Cross today & my thoughts should be with her. She is an amazing woman who has been through so much & deserves to be happy. God Bless you my friend , I hope the surgery brings her everything she wishes for.

Update:-

This post ends with the great news my friend Julia successfully had her surgery this afternoon & came back to the ward around 4.30.

Much love
Debbie

Saying Good by to a world you thought you lived in

2010-09-07T07:11:00.000-07:00

"Saying Good by to a world you thought you lived in"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=As61-cmK4OI

The words from a song by MIKA which are a sound track to my life just now. The bitter bitter man from the soundtrack the bully who in any other world could be so easily defeated is awakening my demons. I'm really struggling to smile like I mean it just now after such a lovely period.

I have been devoting my time helping at our annual wildlife art exhibition once again. Life had been a glorious blur of enjoyable experiences, watching friends grow to discover & fulfil their many talents.

I managed to encourage my best friend find the confidence to be among her many friends in spite of the presence of a bully from our past. Her dear husband was also finally able see what we had allways known. He discovered the belief in his beautiful artistic photography.

To see seeds of creativity blossom such as the young girl who attended our show with her parents who was kindly given the opportunity to practice on the very expensive work in progress by a very gifted best selling artists was one of many highlights. An artist friend who had been a member for 5 years who finally found the confidence in her abilities to display her work for the first time & sell it.

To see my Dear Friend Lucy revisit us after attending one of her first visits to the big wide world only last year was a joy. She is such a sweetie & her confidence has grown so much in such a short time.

To meet another kindred spirit who had been struggling to paint who courageously shared something quite remarkable & humbling with me.

It’s nice just to be able to have your work enjoyed by others & displayed for many visitors to see. In my case having been too ill to connect with my creativity not that long ago the simple process of creating a painting at all had been a simple pleasure. This year I finally got back to where I wanted to be with my painting. Although I only had time to produce two new ones they both sold & an older reworked painting seemed to receive the odd kind comment. There were unfortunately a number of very talented artists who had either recently received awards & or sold out regularly previously for no discernible reason other than the lack of the right visitor coming through the door. failed to sell any. The empathy & understanding from like minded creative friends is of great comfort but it still hurts as we invest so much emotion if a paintings to work well & not having a red dot, not selling, does not necessarily make yourpainting a bad one.

I wished I could have found the courage to invite my best male friend who I still miss dearly who sadly having pledged his support once I transitioned found things too complicated. I had to respect his wishes & finally say good by to him. I miss his smile, his sense of humour, just spending time with him. It seems really difficult for mates to suddenly become male friend & boy friend. The whole dating game seems a scary complicated place with the unwanted baggage I have to take with me. To live in stealth is not an option for me & if it were it would still seem like living a lie anxiously fearing discovery, a relationship built on trust with honesty seems a goal to dream for one day, who knows.

I had a lovely two weeks or so pushing my boundaries enjoying life socialising & working so hard giving my time freely in support of our friends, when bang a red dot appeared on my back & the bully who had been biding his time shot with deadly accuracy. I have been told I am no longer to part of the team who work so tirelessly to put the event on, the reasons a smoke screen using my history as an easy excuse. In an instant something I had always cheerished was gone. I am stronger now but my confidence is once more so fragile.

I have to finally say good by to the creative world I once found sanctuary in, as the bully has found yet another female to victimise. For those of you who have been reading my blog you know who this bullying pivitol character is. My best friends really angry & upset that he has done this again to one of us. I do not want to play the part of a victim any more but its hard to hold on to my shattered confidence & change my behaviour. There are far worse things & more important things in life than this so I at least still have my perspective.

Please send me a hug, paint me a blue sky as I grieve for a special place that was once a haven in which I could safely enjoy transitioning. Its time to finally move on. I have come too far now to let this person beat me. I feel weak heart broken & vulnerable to panic attacks again but I do not want to let anyone down. I need to reach inside & find ways of coping with all these emotions as my Technicolor life fades once more to grey.

God Bless
Love
Debbie

The Candyfloss Girl

2010-08-09T04:20:00.000-07:00

One of my dear friends Nicky “The Candyfloss Girl” is someone I will never ever forget. This post is dedicated to her as is the painting, which is of a young cheetah cub elegantly making her way along the savanna bathed in the evening sun.

Nicky always strives to be the best person for everyone, to keep everyone happy. When I first contacted her in 2007 she needed to be in many many places at once. I suspect that still remains the case in her busy life today. Something so many of us can probably relate to.

There is a wonderful benefit to be had from blogging, far more than I appreciated. I selfishly find it sad when friends move on & no longer share this blogy kingdom of cyber space, but there probably comes a time for all of us to move on one day.

Nicky has a heart of gold, totally honest. A warm spirited, sensitive, compassionate, creative woman whose “Love will find a way” to the happiness she deserves.

Her empathy & kindness were a shining light in the darkness during a very difficult time in both our lives. She encouraged me to look forward & not back, a habit I still find myself guilty of slipping in to sometimes. I have yet to discover "the Secret"! For her a new day in her new life has dawned & the sun has set on her blogging days. She is now able to make her way into the big wide world. You might just be able to follow her path by the crumbs from her cake; with a TARDIS for a tummy, she has the most amazingly trim figure, a beautiful person both inside & out!

Recently I had a land mark birthday. About the same time I was contacted by the lovely Calie http://calietg.blogspot.com/& asked if I would consider writing a post for T central http://t-central.blogspot.com/. A place originally created by another inspirational friend Lori D. When I am able to fully connect with my creativity I find it much easier to express myself through painting than the written word. Lori much like Nicky & Jo seem to have a gift to express themselves so ellequently in what ever creative medium they chose. In order to write the post http://t-central.blogspot.com/2010/08/transition-thoughts-reflections-guest_07.html I found myself reflecting on my experiences. An exert from the post on T central is below. Its relevant here as testimony to how valuable friends like Nicky are.

“When I was finally allowed to seek care from a gender specialist Dr Curtis http://www.transhealth.co.uk/in London, in 2006, I discovered the answer to my eternal dilemma of “why or how do some people find themselves needing to transition”.

I broke down in tears during the appointment. At this point he explained he had come across a small number of transsexual patients who perhaps with low self esteem, had chosen to sacrifice their lives for their loved ones. He also suggested it may help for me to find like minded friends who may be experiencing similar challenges in their lives. How prophetic his words were.

These wise words initially broke me. When I got home that night for the first time in my life I found myself coldly & calmly planning my own suicide. For those in the UK with such things on there mind we have the Samaritans http://www.samaritans.org/?gclid=CNWysqW3rKMCFQY9lAodEEWS6Q Thankfully I was not alone that night. I really did have Angels for friends. Life is so precious. His advice about finding friends who understood what it was like to experience GD was to transform my life. The empathy & kindness of those new friends I made at this traumatic stage in my life is something I will never ever forget.

I joined a support group called UK Angels http://www.angelsforum.co.uk/phpforum/index.php?sid=62e83a31f131cf342140b76699baf554 & was blessed to find some wonderful supportive friends. I was so fortunate to join such a haven at this particular time. Gradually I began taking little steps forward. Facing those fears I had & growing with each challenge faced. Critically they were undertaken at a pace that was right for me & my loved ones. It was time for my life to blossom. I began pushing my boundaries more & more. I had always known of my condition but I was unsure if I could actually live the life I so longed for.

Inspired by kind hearted friends from all over the world, I was able to discover I had a spirit inside me I never dreamed possible.

We can be thousands of miles apart. Yet so close. We are all unique but perhaps share that time where we feel so isolated & alone, our wings caked in the oil that is our GD. Yet we have sisters, some so close in the same town or far away in another country, whose empathy helps us survive, to find the path that is right for us. We share the same tears. The love of those kindred spirits; keep us going, & will always share a place in our hearts.

There came a point in time when I finally felt ready to transition that for me really did feel like a leap of faith. Did my bell go off; did my own realization of mortality push me into being a late onset transitioner? I am not sure I will ever know.

One thing I do know is that my life was made all the richer for being blessed with a friend like dear Nicky "The Candyfloss Girl".

Debbie x

Brilliant Girl (s)!

2010-07-10T07:20:00.000-07:00

I would like to dedicate this painting & post to my dear friend Jo & all the other brilliant friends out there whose inspiration & kindness has helped me so much. I feel so privileged to know you as friends.

The painting is of a snow leopard cub called Binu. In the wild they are critically endangered due to human activities. Against all the odds a few thousand of these very elusive felines are hanging on, often in the most extreme of habitats.

My ability to paint is very much dependent on my well being & perhaps even reflects my soul. I love to paint. For a few years as my emotions became blurred & laden with storm clouds, I really struggled to reconnect with my creativity. I finally got it back last year only to lose it once more after the heartbreak caused when a cherished friendship hit the rocks. My brushes lay dormant once more but now we are firmly reacquainted. Thankfully that cherished friendship is now back on track & my mind more at peace, to enable me to paint again, with a passion, from my heART!

Trying to get back to the workplace, so I can be able to pay my way in life again, has exposed my vulnerability to anxiety & stress but also taught me a lot about myself. At first I wobbled & felt like panicking when confronted by a very stressful working environment but I managed to work through it. I am not giving in to my old fears no matter how long it takes. May be I am perhaps stronger than I thought. I have so much to be grateful for. Trying to do the right thing for everyone, taking into account all our needs, hopes & dreams, seems at times akin to a plate spinner, juggling plates at a circus! Our love will find a way.

Letting go of my past, without denying it, never mind having the choice, all seem to add baggage to the journey. In times of stress I often draw strength thinking of how you, my friends, have coped in such adversity. When the emotional bombs have finally stopped, there still seem to be after shocks to deal with.

The inspiration you have all given me will never be forgotten. It has been so heart warming to have shared part of your lives. Your spirits shine so bright, where ever your path takes you.

I have been incredibly busy trying to rebuild my life. Caring for my parents, increasing my work experience & painting furiously for our annual art exhibition. Time just seems to be racing by & it has felt increasingly difficult to keep up with friends as much as I would like, especially those here, which makes me sad. I even missed the opportunity to wish dear Jo a belated happy birthday. So much seems to be going on in everyone’s lives. Some very special friends have moved on. Saying Good by to a world you thought you lived in, can bring on so many emotions both happy & sad.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life to forget them.

Dear Jo
Good luck & best wishes with your new home & new job but most importantly of all with those loved ones you cherish so dearly, your brilliant girls.

God Bless you Brilliant Friends!
Love
Debbie

Halcyon moments

2010-06-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

We seem to have have shared a few halcyon moments recently. Halcyon is described variously as A fabled bird, identified with the kingfisher, that was supposed to have had the power to calm the wind and the waves while it nested on the sea during the winter solstice. Calm and peaceful; tranquil. Prosperous; golden.

Dad & I finally managed to catch a glimpse of an elusive kingfisher while out recently walking our doggy along the river. We are so lucky to still be able to share such moments.

Of late my Dad has been struggling his knees have been playing up but worst of all he has been going deaf & had started to become very withdrawn. He had given up wearing his hearing aid & could no longer hear family conversations as well as the early morning bird song. I wished there was something I could do to lift his spirits.

I decided to take him back to the hospital where he had previously visited the audiologists department & been very upset with the lack of care he had received. Unfortunately they had only just moved to a new department & the place had been chaotic. This time they were great & could not be more helpful. A new hypoallergenic hearing aid should be arriving any day soon. He was so happy when he left.

As we walked back to the car arm in arm he felt so relaxed & at ease. I felt quite emotional as I became aware we were actually walking right by the department of Psychiatry I had first visited back in 1992 regarding my gender issues. I had a tear in my eye as I told him “I never dared dream when I had gone there; that some18 years later, we would be walking together as Father & daughter”. My beloved Dad replied “Debbie my dear, way back then I never even knew I had a daughter!” He is a Dad in a million, my hero & means the world to me. My thoughts go out to those who have lost their beloved Dads as the poignant time of Fathers day takes place this coming Sunday in the UK.

A few days later I received the shock news I had been given an award for my volunteer work with the National Health Service at a civic ceremony. I have only been volunteering for 18 months. The volunteer scheme has had such a positive impact on my life.

In my darkest times when I realised I needed to make major changes to my life that my loved ones so apposed I doubted I would ever make them feel proud of me again. We had been through so much together. This award was for us & it meant so much to have them accompany me to the ceremony. I still suffer from anxiety & the butterflies were in full flight come the morning of the awards. We got there, my Dads knees held out, I beat my nerves & Mum put up with us both!

There were some extraordinary volunteers present who were all great assets to the city for their various charities. Many of them had given their time freely for many years to help others, often mentoring those with similar conditions or circumstances to their own. I felt so humble to be there. It was very moving to hear their individual stories. My challenge was to overcome my anxiety & shyness, my underlying story rightly remained private between myself & my parents & of no consequence during my time working as a volunteer. The awards were presented by the newly appointed Mayor. I had been so nervous about meeting her yet I need not have worried she was quite nervous too but kindly made me feel at ease as the speaker read out my award. My Mum & Dad looked on from the audience. I so wanted them to share the moment with me. It was a joy to see their faces when they got to meet her afterwards.

It was a very friendly occasion & Mum & Dad thoroughly enjoyed the guided tour of the mayors parlor & offices. I smiled at what seemed the rather austere masculine appearance of the mayors very formal parlor which contrasted with the decor of the gentler more feminine office which had been decorated to the taste of the new mayor s. During the Second world war the German bombers had used the guildhall & its tower as a guide. It was a landmark they tried to avoid bombing. My parents got to see the area where a stray incendiary bomb had hit the building during the war, which bought back memories of the poor children killed in an air raid near by who had hidden in the basement of an adjoining art gallery. My parents were blessed to survive the war & been through so much together. Having to cope with an unexpected daughter like me was in the grand scheme of things quite a modest challenge in hindsight. We are a very private ordinary little family & this occasion was not something we had ever expected to attend. There are far more deserving hero’s & heroines, inspirational people who rightly received awards. Brave courageous people make a choice, we did not chose the path we as a family had to take but this was a truly Golden day, A halcyon Day we never dreamed could ever happen.

Wishing you calm and tranquil; prosperous golden days & peaceful lives
Happy Fathers day this weekend
Love
Debbie

The Mayonnaise Jar

2010-05-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

I have had some lovely experiences with kind friends recently. As the pace of life can some times become rather hectic its all too easy to lose touch with what really matters in your life. Good friends can reach out & hold you in your of need, be there for you, share successes & failures.

Having just received an unexpected phone call from my friend Julia which brightened my day, I received a rather sweet email from another friend called Anne. It contained the following story:-

"When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
And had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions –
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else -- The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'"

Update:-
No sooner had I posted this story & another dear friend Nicky called.

If there is a friend you have not called for a while just taking the trouble to make a quick call can make such a difference.

These two special friends certainly lifted my spirits today. You have all touched my heart, bless you.

May life be kind to you.
Love
Debbie

Six month Anniversary

2010-05-08T13:01:00.000-07:00

It is just over six months since I had my surgery. Time seemed initially slow filled with recuperation & endless medical procedures, then it raced on by as I wanted to make up for lost time. It has been quite a challenging time in many ways. Life never goes as planned. It has occasionally been a little chaotic & at one point recently I seemed to lose my way a little but I have no regrets & so much to look forward to.

When I sat on the bench in the evening Sun dreaming of my future, nothing could have prepared me for how it felt in the hours & days preceding my surgery last November. I will never ever forget how lucky I was to have my surgery via the NHS at a place of my choice & have an outcome I am very happy with. One month after surgery I was able to trudge through the snow getting modest amounts of shopping in & taking our doggy for his walks.

Physically it has been quite demanding but I feel I have been very fortunate. I seemed to get all the slightly scary stuff out of the way in the hospital & could not have wished for better care. In honest truth from the first day I came home, so kindly delivered to my door by my kind friend Lucy, fatigue and thankfully not too much pain, continues to be one of the biggest challenges. That & the hormonal changes. A kind of second puberty at a million miles an hour which randomly slows & then takes off seemingly with on a mind of its own. At first post op there seemed to be an emergency back up mode which sent what remained of my testosterone producing organs crazy. Facial hair texture seemed briefly much coarser. Thank goodness that phase seemed to subside after a month. Being off hormone therapy for six weeks before my surgery sent me even more batty than usual. It may have been imaginary but felt real.

Joy of joys other positive physical changes started gathering pace after a couple of months. May be also due to a little inactivity but I began to put on weight for the first time in four or five years. Stress had caused me to be too skinny. Not a good way to diet. I have put on nearly a whole stone in weight. Thankfully most of it seems to have gone on, in all the right places. The biggest surprise was that the hair on my head appears to be a thicker texture & may even have started regrowing in follicles that had been dormant but not completely dead.

Emotionally; at first the peace & tranquillity was unbelievable. It still is now. It’s not been the crazy, loud manic times since, when I tried to push myself too hard too soon but the quiet times of reflection I am so grateful for. To realise that nagging dysphoric condition which had once engulfed my every thought was now largely silent but for the occasional whisper, has been the most wonderful experience. The surgery was never going to be a magic cure all but my life is so different & largely so much more positive now. I still have the challenge of my anxiety to conquer but my depression is thankfully much more an infrequent unwanted visitor. Worries & insecurities still remain but they are I can only guess quite common place for every one.

I do wonder if I will ever find a life partner. That was not my reason for surgery at all. I have been adjusting to the awakening of feelings I had suppressed since the confused pain of my teenage years of long ago. Can a woman with my past still be friends with a man who was once a "mate"? I think I will save that for another post.

Saying Good by to the life I thought I used to live has its euphoric happy times but also some heartbreaking losses of a few very dear friends. Thankfully one very very special friend is very much back in my life again.

A good friend is better than any pills. You certainly find out who your friends are on this journey. Saying Good by to the world I existed in when I was perceived a man & lived a lie has been easy. Saying good by to some of the worlds I lived in very hard. Sometimes it’s been hard to shake off the past & move on or indeed be allowed to move on.

I still have my demons, I may occasionally have sleepless nights where my brain goes into overdrive but the inner peace of finally being comfortable with my skin & having the continued love & the support of my family & friends has been both life affirming & humbling. “The greatest events aren't the loudest, but the most quiet hours” has a much greater meaning to me now.

Peaceful thoughts
Love
Debbie

First time voting, the return of the Iron Lady?

2010-05-05T08:02:00.000-07:00

In a sense I feel I have a rather unique opportunity to be a first time voter, twice, in one life time.

In a previous life when I had the chance to vote in a general election for the first time, I hid a terrible secret, which I am ashamed of, to this day. In 1979 I voted “The Iron lady” Mrs Thatcher into power.

I was a very confused troubled soul back then. We had a woman prime minister who was strong minded, some would say very intelligent, some would say she had quite masculine trates. Admirable qualities? She certainly knew her own mind, unlike me. Mrs "T" love her or loathe her proved to be very strong willed, a heartless ruthless leader who by her own actions sadly proved she had no sense of community & no compassion in her body. In those days I did not know who I was or what I was, never mind who to vote for.

Way back then I knew in my heart I had to vote for changes to my life, to have a chance of a better future. Do I wish I had made those changes sooner, do I have any regrets? It is so much easier to be wise after the event.

Skip forward in time. Here I am reborn, feeling like a first time voter all over again. It is my first chance to vote in a general election using my rightful name.

Perhaps I am now more of an iron lady myself after taking my Holland & Barratt liquid iron supplement to boost my energy levels. OMG no I’m turning into………. My Dad now goes out wearing some of the strange clothes, that once hung in my wardrobes! How times have changed.

To have the chance to vote in a democratic society is such a privilege, something we possibly take too much for granted. I can equally appreciate young voters being disillusioned & not bothering to vote at all, but then perhaps if you don’t vote you have no right to moan, something we could win gold medals at in this country.

I have had endless election junk mail through my letter box. Joy of joy’s I had one from our local Tory counsellor asking for my vote addressed to Mr D. …………Charming, so caring & thoughtful, he certainly wins my vote as the number one local erection candidate!

Who should I vote for?
I for some reason like the principal of "Change that works for you!"

Unfortunately our elections now seem to be more about personality than policies. Sadly we do not have a charasmatic leader like Obama to vote for. If only our politicians could all work together regardles of party for a common good for the country, instead of appearing to work purely for their own personal gains.If we end up with a hung parliament & they refuse to work together for the good of the country it could be good fun voting x factor style to decide which politician gets hung first!

If you mix red & yellow you could end up getting brown & stuck with mud!

We could have the dreaded sequel to the iron lady, the iron man who is actually a "T" person at heart.

When David Cameron looks into a mirror does he see his true self, can we be sure a vote for him is not actually a vote for the return of the politics of the Iron Lady?

No one should tell you who to vote for. All of this is written in fun but there is a very serious side to this years general election. I just hope none of us have the same regrets about the political party you vote for as I had after my first, first time as a voter & we truly have a future fit for all!

Happy voting!
Debbie x

Job Applications Disclosure Dilemmas including Security, CRB, GRC requirements

2010-05-01T08:07:00.000-07:00

Recently I have experienced the dilemma of deciding how much you need to disclose about your past. There is always a risk of your past catching up with you. Socially the challenges of that emotional minefield are becoming much more apparent.

My journey has been a long one for my family & I. My path back to the workplace equally so, but a new day is dawning. It contimues to be a time of great change.

For now this post just explores my humble experience with regard to attempting to get back to the workplace & job applications, Criminal Record Bureau CRB checks & Gender Recognition Certificates. How should I deal with my T history? In my case I also have the dilemma of how much I have to disclose regarding my mental health issues.

Voluntary work does not normally require you to disclose your health issues. If you are offered employment CRB checks may be involved & more personal information requested. As with legally changing your name you can ask for the company’s assistance in making the relevant changes to your records & that it would be appreciated if they can preserve full confidentiality. There is a small team at the CRB office who are dedicated to those who are transgendered, who are very helpful and give very good advice. Further details are available on http://www.crb.homeoffice.gov.uk/resource_library/crb_news/crb_news_nov_09.aspx

With the guidance of my counselor & an employment facilitator when I first started applying for voluntary work we prepared a disclosure letter which explained briefly about my reasons for applying, my previous work history, reason for leaving & relevant confidential medical history. Briefly this explained I had suffered work related stress due to victimization which caused depression & anxiety. During the recovery of which I found I needed to transition. This was fine in my earlier stages of recovering my health but not for the harsh reality of seeking paid employment in the job market during a world wide recession.

When applying for paid positions I have decided I will never mention my trans history in my CV or any application at all. If I am ever lucky enough to get to interview I would not bring the subject up. If I were fortunate enough to be successful & offered a position, I would prefer not to mention it. I think it could be illegal for them to ask me out right during an interview. My appearance mannerisms & voice are unlikely to offer me the opportunity of stealth. After a period of time & if I felt circumstances were appropriate, I may or may not chose to disclose. It should be no ones business but my own but life is not always going to be that simple.

This year I have been given an honorary contract by the hospital I attend to do my voluntary work, so that I can have the legal rights of a paid employee This enables me to undertake many more duties/responsibilities to help the staff I work with, than I could previously as a volunteer. It’s a win, win situation, as I also gain valuable extra work experience. I had to go through a new CRB check having been previously CRB approved as a volunteer a year ago.

For security reasons I was asked to produce my birth certificate. This caught me slightly unawares. Apparently employers are obliged to see proof of legal residency in the UK, for all new employees. This takes the form of a valid passport, a birth certificate or a letter from the Home Office. I do not have a passport or a letter from the home office & do not want to have to go through outing myself in writing if I am ever lucky enough to be offered a new job. This may happen for any new employment. So it would appear unless you have a Gender Recognition Certificate which should enable you to obtain a new birth certificate, regardless of your ability to pass (I hate that term & all the labels flame wars) you may not have the option of stealth.

As a result I had to be open with the HR department who were fine in this case. They took a copy of my old birth certificate & sealed it in an envelope marked confidential & retained it in my file until such time as I could produce my new birth certificate. For this I would need to apply for a gender recognition certificate. http://www.grp.gov.uk/formsguidance.htm I intend adding another post about my experiences with applying for a GRC.If you have recently transitioned, living full time in role & legally changed your name, it is a good idea to keep hold of some of your utility bills from the earliest possible time of living in your new gender role to provide evidence should you require a GRC.

Job application forms I have come across recently have asked for any periods of sickness during previous employment to be disclosed & any relevant medical conditions, reasons why including mental health, which in my case applied to, anxiety & previous depressive episodes. The reality of the stigma perceived or otherwise towards people like me who have had mental health issues adds to the challenge of finding employment. There is an excellent campaign running presently “Time to Change” http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/which aims to end the stigma & discrimination, which still have a huge impact on the lives of people with mental health problems, even though one in four of us will experience a problem at some time in our lives. Time to Change is England's most ambitious programme to end that discrimination.

Gaps in employment history have to be explained. How best do I explain my five year gap in paid employment? Been clothes shopping for five years, run out of money, just won't do!

The truth is I needed that time for my family & I to be ready for the transition, to give it the best chance of succeding. Then I had to go through the medical, physical & mental changes I needed to make to my life. There is now a period of adjusting to those changes which is both exciting & emotional. The pace at which this all happened remains critical to our well being.

My official version for my employment “gap” may go along the lines of “I took time off to care for my elderly parents who I am devoted to, while exploring/developing a new career as a wildlife artists” which is true, if a little economical with the truth.

Initially I did not appreciate I had transferable skills from my previous specialized career. With my new self image & improved self esteem I now realise I have a much better outlook on life. I know I need to concentrate on the positive aspects of my life experiences & what I can do, the life & work skills I can offer a potential employer.

For now I have to be realistic about how ambitious I set my short term employment goals. The only head hunters coming for me , have white coats! Without your health you have nothing. Having taken things a little easier recently I feel ready to face the challenges ahead. To be well enough to pay my way in life again & support my family.

Thanks you so much for your kindness & inspiration. You do make a difference. I think of the friends I have found here a lot although I find myself having less & less time to blog.

I hope you have a lovely Bank Holiday weekend, in spite of the UK weather!
May there be sunshine in your hearts & life be kind to you
Peace & love
Debbie

Reflections on a slight dip, to my journey.

2010-04-21T08:03:00.000-07:00

We patiently watched this Giraffe approach a waterhole in Savute Botswana. in the baking heat of the mid afternoon sun.

She took a very long time to get where she needed to be. Waiting her turn in the pecking order of wildlife that sought the use of this life saving oasis, only too aware of her vulnerability and her surroundings. Her life depended on this. She knew she needed to make that journey.

She could not risk bending down too long & having spent what seemed like a lifetime getting there she vanished, blending perfectly into her natural habitat. With experience she could feel more at ease but perhaps never allow her guard to come down completely.

I appreciate how boring all the medical stuff can get but I thought it was worth mentioning this as a cautionary tale for anyone who has major surgery that during your recovery you need to be careful not to over do things & be kind to yourself.

I recently made the mistake of bending over too long to attend to our corgi who had got rather messy after a walk. I should have been much more cautious. The following day I had to stay in bed resting. My new body still takes a bit of getting used to!

Fatigue continues to be a challenge to my full recovery. Being so much happier in my skin has been a great lift to my spirits, and I felt the only way to improve my stamina was to push my self on. Life has been a bit frustrating recently as I approach 6 months post op.

My diet had been effected by the iron tablets I had been prescribed to help with my mild anemia problems and boost my flagging energy levels. My tummy was in knots as I lay in bed that weekend. Probably eating too many Easter eggs that week had added self inflicted problems. Everything ceased up. I had unknowingly neglected to drink properly where I had been rushing around too much which dehydrated me and left me severely constipated. I was really frightened I might have damaged my surgery and perhaps have prolapsed. We were all worried I was going to end up in hospital. Why do these health crisis, always seem to happen at a weekend?

Fortunately a combination of “Senokot” tablets and the ongoing saturation coverage of the election with the nightmare possibility of the illegitimate son of “the Iron Lady” returning “the nasty party” to power did the trick!

I decided to stop taking the iron tablets & stop feeling sorry for myself. I always like to help if I can & find it hard to say “no” to anyone. It can get me into trouble sometimes. Too often I bend too easily as well as too long.

I foolishly kept pushing myself until the wheels finally came off last Thursday. As my energy levels slumped, my anxiety levels went off the scale. I crazily sat in our car determined to keep my volunteer duty appointment at the hospital that afternoon & I was shaking all over. Mum rushed over & stopped me from driving.

At the emergency appointment with my Gp he confirmed what my body had been trying to tell me. He has been so kind & helpful towards me, throughout my journey to better health & a new life. He did lots of thorough tests. Thankfully no permanent damage appears to have been done. He arranged for more blood tests to see if there is anything unusual that is causing the fatigue to go on but reassured me the chances are its just my body adjusting to all the changes.

I learned my lesson & have had to take things a bit easier. I'm much improved now & managed to do a day at work yesterday. I still have a lot on my tiny mind & find it hard to focus on my creativity as much as I would like.

Life is still good, I hope it is for you.

Be kind to yourselves.
Love
Debbie

Oh Deer!

2010-04-19T09:04:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I have been overdoing things a bit as all of a sudden it all seemed to catch up with me. How many times must a doctor hear that?

As another landmark birthday approaches this year I am of an age where I am too old to die young and hopefully still too young to be considered an old dear, but.....

I did my best with the NHS Admin Computer course but it was not enough. The course was so intensive. By mid morning I had fallen behind. By mid afternoon I was the only one left out of six and as the tutor explained when she asked me to stop, just one of the ten percent who do not finish the course in one session. I completed five out of seven sections and got everything I did right but it felt like I failed. I was dreading failing but consoled myself that I had never seen or used the two different software programmes before & at least I had not panicked or got flustered. I am not going to give up. Sometimes things feel pointless. May be that path is not for me. Its only a failure if I give up and stop trying.

Afterwards I discontentedly went to see the volunteer co-ordinator to explain how I had got on. She told me not to worry and that the admin team I had been working with would need to be able to give me time to watch them using the live system for booking appointments and tracking information. They were all overworked and understaffed, the news of probable NHS job cuts appeared in the local paper that week, so moral was not good. I wanted to help them and not be a hindrance and also gain valuable work experience in the process but I could understandably not be allowed access to the system until I passed the course and they were all so busy.

I felt rather guilty but decided to indulge in some retail therapy and bought the new top I had promised myself just to cheer myself up. It had been the longest day I had been at work for many years and I was exhausted when I finally got home and became overtired struggling to sleep that night as my mind refused to switch off.
.
I really wanted to improve my chances of finding work so this setback together with more bad news from another company that I had hoped one day might provide me with an opportunity for employment left me temporarily feeling low.

I have financially never been poorer but I was reminded how rich my life is now by the simple pleasures in life I am now able to appreciate. While out walking along the river with my beloved Dad and our doggy in the early morning Sun we were blessed with the sight of a deer on the opposite bank of the river. At first only its white bottom gave its appearance away. I fortunately had my camera with me and managed a picture before it melted away back into the undergrowth. A crowd of our friends gathered to watch and as two gentleman walked by they remarked jovially "look at that Dear photographing a Deer, you don’t get to see that very often!”
As I was make up free, resplendent in my rather unglamorous dog walking gear, skinny jeggings and an old top, in the company of my dear Dad, who had once vowed never to walk with Debbie, with our friends who we had once thought may shun us, my gender not an issue, accepted and perceived the gender I have always been in my heart, this was another life affirming priceless experience.

I have been rushed off my feet recently as I have tried to push myself harder and had some health problems as a consequence but when I returned to the admin team last week they were so kind. Most of them had not passed the course in one session first time and even the supervisor had found the system difficult to learn, as well as some young students. They were all so lovely to me. They took me under their wing and made me feel like part of their team, one of the girls, closer perhaps to being an old dear, more than ever!

May life be kind to you.
Love
Debbie

New Beginnings, back to my future.

2010-04-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

I hope to make some more progress towards my new future tomorrow.

I begin an NHS admin computer training course which they have kindly sponsored me to go on. I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn new skills and just hope I do not let anyone down. Those new skills will make me more useful in being able to provide them voluntary support and may also help my chance of one day finding employment. If I can manage to take it all in, it should help boost my self belief and well being. For now I am just glad for the workplace experience again.

One day I would perhaps like the opportunity to do a more caring people orientated role but for now I need to continue healing myself, who knows where my journey will take me.

My previous career is not an option for me or something I could ever see myself going back to. My priorities have changed. I will be so pleased just to be well enough to try to get a job. To begin with that is going to be a big enough challenge.

The last time I went on a course I was in a different place mentally. I was pre transition then and in a dark place, so stressed I suffered massive panic attacks and had to give up the course. I am both excited and a little nervous. My anxiety is causing the butterflies in my tummy to work overtime just now. Why is it, my brain cell can remember so vividly what happened a few years ago and remind me in the middle of the night, yet enable me to forget something that was said only five minutes ago?

I still feel vulnerable but I am not afraid in the way I used to be. I am no longer afraid to be me. I feel ready and just want the chance to move on, to live my life authentically. I have a compassionate mind, I can be over sensitive but my heart has never felt better, I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin.

I now know why my counsellor advised I should avoid having GRS and FFS in the same year. My body is still adjusting and so is my brain, to the physical and hormonal changes from my GRS nearly 6 months ago. There is still the odd twinge and alternatively also a lack of any sensation at all. Fatigue and slight post op blues are still a source of frustration but they are all recognised symptoms that should all, given time settle down.

I need to get the work/family balance right and I really want to be up for the challenge and try to find some paid employment this year. Going back to education/work after being away so long feels like a new beginning.

Tomorrow morning I have to be up earlier than I have done in many years to get to the course at the hospital. I hope to look my best and get there on time, so our doggy will only be getting a quick walk. I will certainly be seeing the world in a different light and have a renewed outlook on life. Hopefully I will not suffer a bad hair day and make a monkey of myself. The pictures not me before my make up, in case you are wondering! I could never look as beautiful as the young Orang-Utan from "Monkey World Primate Rehabilitation Centre" in the photo.

If I manage to do well tomorrow it might just give me a better chance of a successful future and I might just remember to treat myself to that new top in the shop that keeps reminding me to buy one, every time I walk by.

May life be kind to you.
Love
Debbie

Forever Young

2010-04-02T13:12:00.000-07:00

We have all been emotionally exhausted this week but we still managed to have a lovely relaxing day celebrating my dear Mums birthday, who in spite of all the worry I have caused her, looks half her tender years of age.

We went to my cousins son "R" funeral on Monday. The rains poured down, so did the tears but so did the love.

This was to be a very special occasion for our small family and a legion of friends, to celebrate the life of a wonderful inspiring brave young man. All of the familiar religious aspects of the service were kept to a minimum. My memories of his life, his great courage and this day have renewed my outlook on life.

As the congregation solemnly walked into the church "R" favourite music played, Kanye West Family Business http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acxWwlklFOk

There were so many of my cousins son, young friends there, the crematorium was packed. Music was his love, his passion and through this his talents shone. He never moaned always tried to smile, always had a word to say to everyone he meet, without prejudice, with a warm heart.

We watched him grow from a baby to a man. His Mum doted on him. His Dad loved his son so much, they were so close. During his teenage years when he was not in hospital he would often be in his bedroom mixing his music, headphones on, feeling every rhythm, in his own world. He was born to be a DJ. He was a natural. We never got to see him perform but clearly many did. The congregation was full with the beautiful radiant young friends he had made from the night club world he loved so much.

I have never seen so many people, so many young people at a funeral. The readings by his girlfriends and his best mate were both humbling and heartbreaking. He was from a different generation to me, a face book generation. He lived for each day and his incredible spirit proved an inspiration to so many as he continually overcame so many life threatening challenges, with a cheeky quip and a smile.

His grieving brother asked they play the song Forever Young by Jay-Z http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5skK_WXwNQ This songs words are so poignant and left me in floods tears both at the time and when I played them several days later. The music was new to me, from a different generation but it spoke volumes and felt so powerful.

You should never judge people by appearances. In the words of his Mum "to see him some days with his raggedy jeans hanging all over the place you would never believe the kind of person he was". He refused to compromise his life and lived every day he could, like it may be his last.

After the events explained in my previous post the only concession I made to my appearance was to tone my make up down slightly. When we filled into the service there were no seats left and the music playing had slightly unsettled my Dad whose musical taste is from a very different era. We found ourselves directed to a crowd who were standing huddled by the doors near the front, the only space left. Without being asked the young mourners seated in the front row beckoned us to take there places. Young people unfairly too often get a bad press these days, especially those who go out to enjoy a good night out. There is good and bad in everyone regardless of age gender or race.

Seeing "R" coffin directly in front of us between the curtains and listening to all heart rending readings including several from face book comments made me feel so humble, so aware of our own mortality and how fragile life can be. I was not alone as I cried my eyes out, like so many others, whoose cries echoed through the room. When the service was over and we had all payed our respects we walked outside, to a shelter from the deluge of rain, that would not stop, just like the torrent of emotions.

In a sea of young mourners we noticed Dads sister, my auntie who has dementia, cast adrift, looking heart broken, vulnerable and so alone. My cousin was doing her best trying to thank everyone for coming, her husband was in pieces with grief, her remaining son elsewhere in need of some quiet space, leaving my Auntie to fend for herself. We rushed to comfort her at the same time dreading how she may react. She was so pleased to see some old familiar faces.

To see my Dad finally talking with his sister again face to face rebuilding their friendship was a great comfort. She recognised my Mum and her friend we had bought along with us. Not wishing to unsettle her I waited patiently to see any recognition of me, longing to reach out to her but she was totally bemused as to who I, the complete stranger was. The time was right, it really was a case of now or never so as reluctantly agreed with my cousin, Dad introduced the strange woman who was standing alongside her very discretely as Rob. "I did not recognise you, you rascal, you have grown so much taller" she said as we hugged. I have always had long hair and her recollection was probably from me many years ago due to her condition. A very minor piece of family business in proceedings, our small family had been dreading could possibly divide our family for ever, had been overcome. Sadly with her short term memory being so bad she has probably already forgotten the encounter but hopefully it will make a difference to our family. If only her cruel condition would allow her to forget the pain she feels at losing her beloved grandson which will I am sure stay with her for ever and remember only the wonderful times they shared together.

There was a small price to pay as it hurt for a moment being called Rob and it still felt perhaps a compromise too much at the time. It weakened my self respect a little but it was worth it, for family unity. Is a little compromise not a price worth paying to unite a family and prevent a life time of regret? I guess it depends on how much you value what is at stake. I know for me, from my humble life experience, there is a huge difference between sacrificing your life for your loved ones wishes/feelings and small compromises. Life is too short. The day was all about "R" not me. When it came to us offering our condolences to both my cousin, her husband and remaining son, we all exchanged hugs and kisses, no words could ever heal the pain we were all experiencing. As the service came to a close the song associated with his favourite sport football "You'll never walk alone " http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJ-jYTKtXVI hauntingly played out. Music was his life his love and his spirit will live on forever.

I have since spoken to my cousin who was so very brave, she was comforted by the incredible show of affection for her beloved son by so many. She has given her blessing for us to resume visiting her Mum again as our meeting did not cause any adverse reaction. So this outcome at least means our remaining family can be reunited, we can now visit my Auntie again. My cousin may be able to gain some much needed respite from caring for her Mum when she needs to, as we can now openly help her as we had always wanted to. In a day of tremendous sadness this really was a small chink of light. Mum Dad and I and our remaining family got through a day that will live forever in our hearts.

Sometimes on this journey through life we have to compromise, sometimes I feel old before my years, sometimes only recently I have felt reborn, almost a second puberty, like a teenager, only knowing by my life experiences "I know nothing" but in my heart I wish I could be forever young.

Happy Easter
Peace be with you
Love
Debbie

In Loving Memory

2010-03-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the funeral of my cousin’s young son. It is to be a time to remember him, to celebrate his life. Life is about creating special memories. Tomorrow is going to be a very emotional day for so many reasons.

His close family have asked for the funeral to be very formal, everyone attending has to wear black. This was requested by R and for a very informal fun loving guy with lots of young friends was something of a surprise.

Sadly our small family only ever seem to meet up at funerals in recent years. None of us are going to find the day easy but for my Cousin and her Mum it is going to be particularly hard. No Grandma expects to out live their Grandchildren. My Auntie the Grandma I refer to also has dementia. Her memories of long ago are often very sharp but those of the immediate recent times are often very confused. Any change is very unsettling for her. Her constant daily phone calls are heartbreaking to listen to. One time in tears, the next temporarily oblivious to the loss of her beloved Grandson. My cousin was at breaking point a month ago before the tragedy, trying to decide how best to care for her Mum.

When we informed my cousin two years ago about my need to transition she was very supportive but had asked us not to try to explain it to my Auntie. She was concerned it would only make her worse or possibly lead to her being abusive towards us. My parents were against this and I was not happy but understood my cousin’s feelings. This caused difficulties between my Dad and his sister which was the last thing I wanted. Some very cruel comments had been exchanged. I have been asked by my cousin never to appear as myself in front of my Auntie. It seems such a simple price to pay for family unity and peace but having to compromise myself now seems terribly unsettling which in turn makes me feel selfish. It made me feel quite ill having to comply with this at the previous Christmas but the funeral is far harder. We used to have much larger family gatherings, of which we have many happy memories of these times. Sadly our family are now nearly all gone.

For the funeral tomorrow I have to try to dress up androgynously and be referred to as Bob so as not to upset my poor Auntie. My heart goes out to my cousin and her Mum. Tomorrow is for my cousin's son "R" and for them; our feelings are very much secondary. My Mum and I find loss very very hard to cope with. She feels sorry for me having to compromise but she should not have to. I have never been a man but I know what it will feel like to put that mask back on, and it feels a million times worse having lived truthfully to myself for over two years.

We are all going to be emotional tomorrow, all our thoughts will be for my cousin's son "R". I know we are going to cry our eyes out. My Mum has gently reminded me to remove all traces of mascara, which seems so superficial yet….We must get through this together, as a family. I want to pay my respects to "R" and support our family, without letting anyone down or being a source for any family disharmony on such an occasion.

Since I last posted here so much has happened. My Mum has been very ill again but thankfully she has been stable for a few days now. I had to rush her to the doctors after she came off the tablets which had been causing her to wheeze. They did lots of tests but she just could not get her breath properly. They concluded it must have been a major panic attack as most of her readings appeared fine.

One test result was very worrying. An ECG revealed that unknowingly to any of us my Mum had actually suffered a heart attack at some point since her last test four years ago. My biggest fear was that the strain I had caused in needing to transition would harm her health in any way. The guilt of hurting those we love is for me far more painful than any of the physical challenges of the surgical changes we may feel we need to make.

Last Friday I had to rush home from my voluntary work at the hospital as my Dad had fallen over in the shower. He was bruised and a bit shaken but nothing more. Today he kicked every ball watching his favourite team play in a cup final on the television, which he shared with his daughter, while Mum slept peacefully with our corgi curled up on her lap. A treasured memory.

I am not sure quite how all our family are ever going to get through tomorrow but I have to keep my faith that we will.

May tomorrow be kind to you.

Love
Debbie

Our "Brave Heart" has gone to heaven.

2010-03-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

My cousin’s beloved son R, has tragically collapsed and died. At the tender young age of 29. Our small family has lost a hero and heaven has gained an Angel.

His Mum told us the awful news we were all dreading, today on Mothers day in the UK, of all days. She was understandably devastated and said she will never ever get over his tragic death.
How she is going to be able to break the news to her Mum who has dementia and dotes on her grandchild I cannot begin to imagine, the pain they must all be experiencing.

He had been through so many challenges in his short life. I wrote about him and his dear Mum in my previous blog “A Mothers love”, we were all praying for a miracle, now he has gone and his family are completely shattered. Our tears feel like they will never stop.

He had Leukaemia at the age of 9. He received the most wonderful care and he and his family were supported brilliantly by “Leukemia Busters” the children's leukemia research charity http://www.leukaemiabusters.org.uk/pages/home.aspx

The life saving therapy and medication he received as a child unfortunately had many terrible side effects, some of which had weakened his heart. At 18 his heart become so bad he was advised he needed a heart transplant. He agonised over the difficult decision. In the end he had little choice but to agree as he had become so seriously ill, he was given only a short time to live. How difficult it must have been for him to decide what to do. How would he feel having another persons heart beating inside him? I digress but I think about how I have found my journey very spiritual and what happens to our soul if we find ourselves going through such a process and wonder if this played a small part in his concerns. His biggest worry must have been that in agreeing to the heart transplant they were all made aware that the new heart would only have a limited life span before it would become very tired, a period of approximately 10 years. Life is so precious.

For him to have a chance of extending his life at that time, another family had suffered a terrible loss. It must have been so hard and so brave of the family of the donor to agree to the life saving organ donation in their hours of grief. If you have not joined the organ donation register you can apply here for the UK http://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/ukt/default.jsp

"R" survived the heart transplant only to have the leukaemia come back once more. Again his spirit and the brilliant medical care he received pulled him through. He and his family cherished each day never knowing what might happen. He loved playing sports with his Dad. He gave up his job in a shop and followed his dream of becoming a DJ. It would have been understandable had his parents become over protective but they allowed him to flourish. He lived life as best he could, to the full. He had lots of friends. He had the most amazing smile and was a big hit with the girls and had many admirers.

When I think of those who are sadly rejected by their family, their loved ones, over needing to make life saving / life changing decisions or are shunned for following their dreams, I think of the courage Richard and his family showed by living each day to the max with complete love and support.

Sadly last week he became ill watching football with his family, something he always loved doing. He was rushed to a specialist hospital only to collapse once more. His brave heart could take no more. His life which began only a short time ago in 1989 has been tragically ended. He will never ever be forgotten. He truly touched so many of our hearts.

My thoughts are with my beloved Cousin's son "R", my devastated Cousin, her husband and his brother at this time.

Rest in Peace dear R.
Today heaven has a new Angel, a true Saint with the bravest of hearts

Love
Debbie xxxxxxxx

A Mothers love

2010-03-13T08:29:00.000-08:00

I would like to dedicate this posting to my Cousin who is a wonderful Mum whose love knows no bounds. She has a husband and two boys who are grown up now and looks after her Mum who has dementia. One of her boys health problems have been a constant worry to her.

On Tuesday we received the news my Cousins son had been rushed into hospital again. He has been through so much in his young 29 years. His Mum has been under so much strain. At 9 he was diagnosed with leukaemia. After lengthy treatment with terrible side effects he somehow found the strength to pull through. He lost all his energy; all of his hair and an important part of his childhood, that he could never get back.

At 18 his heart became too weak to keep working, it had been damaged by all the chemotherapy and prescriptions medication. At first he refused a transplant. He had already suffered enough at this stage in his young life, at the time he felt like he could not face any more surgery after all he had been through. Eventually at the 11th hour his will to live; much to the relief of his parents caused him to agree to the heart transplant that miraculously became available out of another poor persons tragic misfortune.

With his immune system so susceptible to illness his nightmare and that of his loved ones came true, the leukaemia returned once more. Again the brilliant medical staff and his incredible courage and spirit saw him through another life threatening challenge. As a result of going through all the treatment and terrible side effects once again the poor love was also told he would not be able to father a child.

Eventually he found the strength to try to return to a normal life. At first he had a 9 till 5 job working in a shop but this was not enough for him. He and his family have been living one day at a time for so long. His dear Mum put on a very brave face. She knew that the new heart would only last for so long. They have all had to live with this time bomb.

He had always loved music and sport. He was a very handsome young man and very popular with his many friends. He pursued his dreams of becoming a DJ which he became very successful at. He had several girlfriends but alas he knew his health would always be a problem and did not want to have them go through what he had already experienced and put his family through. Recently he sadly split up with a girl who appeared to be the love of his life. This week he attended a sports event and collapsed. His mum and Dad are now by his bedside in a hospital in London hoping for a miracle.

My thoughts and prayers are with them. I hope his dear Mums love will find a way to heal him and her prayers be answered this coming Mothers Day.

I have been having a really difficult time and had to stay off my voluntary work in the last ten days or so I thought until the news we received put it all in perspective. I had written several therapeutic pages to get it out of my system. They were full of self pity which I stopped short of blogging about. I felt guilty letting everyone down. My parents, the people I should have been working with, the doctors who had helped me get this far and the kind friends who had supported me. I had perhaps been doing too much, trying too hard and felt like a light had gone out inside of me. Balancing my life as a carer and trying to find work alongside my heart telling me I needed to be there for my Mum and Dad as they are becoming increasingly frail had left me shattered. As my health has improved so much it feels a little like role reversal in my relationship with my parents. They still need their independence but they need my help more and more. It’s a two way thing in which we both have to be careful not to Mother each other too much as it can be unhealthy. As much as we love each other there is a fine line between Mother and smother. I would love to have been a Mum. I will never know but I feel sure I would not have made a very good parent. I have so much respect for all the good parents out there who are simply amazing.

I had been having insecurities about my appearance as a working woman ,as I began to increase my working hours, some out of vanity, some still dysphoric, some bordering on body dysmorphia. I have also experienced distressing reminders those that transition often get jarred with as well as how impossible it would be for me to deny my mental health history when applying for any position of employment. For a time depression engulfed me and I thought this must be simply post op blues. It was only while visiting my GP for more post op treatment this week that he discovered from some blood tests I was actually anaemic which explained my tiredness. Having a label, a reason in this case helped make sense of how tired I had become.

I know how lucky I am and at the same time I know this life would not be easy for my loved ones or for me. My dear Mum had worried every time I visited London once a month for almost twleve years that her biggest nightmare would come true, that I would one day need to transition. On Monday she will see her daughter travel to see the gender specialist, probably one last time for her post op appoint, with her blessing and unconditional love.

Sometimes we need to see our worries in relation to others to appreciate just how lucky we are.

To all of those Mums out there, God bless you all. None of us would be here without you. To all of you lucky enough to still have your Mums, treasure every moment and build as many happy memories as you can. For those of you who have lost your beloved Mums my heart goes out to you. I am so lucky to still have such a special Mum. For my dear Mum I just want to finish with these humble words.

I love you Mum, so very much.
Happy Mothers Day
Love
Debbie xxxxxxxx

Please say a prayer for my cousins dear Son. May all your worries be small.

PS I would just like to thank my dear friend Julia whose timely phone call this afternoon really lifted my spirits.

Face values

2010-03-01T08:23:00.001-08:00

How we see our selves and how others see us are two different things. That perception can sometimes make or break our lives and have a great impact on our self belief.

I recently completed the commission shown here for a friend. She had asked me if I could do a pencil portrait of her granddaughter from a small photograph. I usually only paint animals as they do not seem to have the insecurities we have. For many years I had found animals much easier to relate to than people.

The last portrait I did was a painting for my parents golden wedding anniversary. It was based on a treasured sepia photo of them both when they first met in their early twenties. Dad loved it, Mum hated it. I was not even a twinkle in their eye when it was taken. After my Mums severe critique I vowed never to attempt another portrait.

With convalescing and now my attempts to gain further work experience and hopefully a paid job I have not been able to paint since last July. A mixture of a lack of confidence, time, the cold in my studio(converted small bedroom) and my parents conservatory where I could use oils and feelings of guilt that I should be using my time more fruitfully had temporarily cut off my creativity. With a very exiting creative project producing murals, I have been asked to do at my local hospital, looming, I had to drive my butterflies away. If people ask me to help I always try to say yes and it felt nice to be asked. I offered to produce a sketch rather than a detailed portrait as I felt I lacked the skills to produce a professional portrait. I got some great advice from some artistic friends who specialize in graphite pencil work.

I used very thick water colour paper 638g Not rag paper from Paper works and Derwent water soluble Graphitone pencils light and medium pencils together with dark and very dark non soluble derwent graphitone. I was given the following useful tips by an expert graphite artist. You can use blue tack to lift many light unintentional marks on the paper. You can also use cotton wool pads to blend. Fabrino Aristico paper is supposed to be very good for pencil work. Faber-Castel Graphite pencils and or Grafwood Carndache pencils http://www.carandache.ch/m/la-couleur/artistes-et-professionnels/les-crayons/graphite-line/index.lbl which are Swiss made and cost £1.99 each. For beginners Derwent Graphite approx £6 for a tin are a good starting kit.

Saturday I nervously arrived at my friend’s door to meet her and her daughter. As I walked in there was a young child who looked somehow familiar from the photo. I had never met the granddaughter or her Mum before. I was not 100% sure if it was the grand daughter I had just drawn or another member of the family. I had asked my friend tell her daughter to be totally honest and been assured by my friend that her daughter would certainly say if anything was wrong with the picture. The image in the photo was quite small but the child was clearly beautiful, absolutely perfect in her Mums eyes. The difficulty as an artist doing a portrait is to decide how honest you try to portray an image and how much you subtly change before it no longer captures that person’s uniqueness. Thankfully her Mum was thrilled and her daughter recognized herself immediately. The innocence of youth. Out of the mouth of babes. I was so relieved although my humble picture could never do her justice. Her name is in the title of //www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjsDZlV7ABw I love the cute mouse in the video.

Like many artists I am uncomfortable with pricing my work or knowing what to ask for a fee especially from friends. In the end I asked them to make a donation which I could use towards the materials for the murals task at the hospital. Afterwards my friend said I looked very anxious when I first arrived, which I was and so I explained the story I have written here. We were all happy with the outcome. They were happy with their gift, my creative confidence was restored and I had learned a lot more about myself and also artistically.

Today 2 years into my new life, two years on from my facial feminization surgery with my GRS healing well I shared a magical experience with my Mum at our doctors surgery. We had both arranged to have blood tests at consecutive times. The kind nurses had seen both of us in very different circumstances over the past few years. I had at my darkest hour suffering from a breakdown been carried in to see them totally broken, drugged up on prescribed anti depressants unable to function any more, tears flooding down my cheeks at my lowest. The strain of living a lie; feeling as though I had been sacrificing my life for my loved ones, who had been in denial for 11 years, too much for me, at a time when in truth I had not been ready to transition, until I sank to this point. Only recently my Mum had been so ill they would not let her leave the surgery until they helped her to breath properly. To see the smile back on my Mums face was priceless. Today we were in a different place.

Mums asthma is under control and her blood pressure lower than it has been for years. I have put on over a stone in weight since my surgery but thankfully I needed to and it has all gone mainly in the right places. My face is much less gaunt and the answer to "does my bum look too big in this?" is now approaching Yes lol but I am soooo much happier.

"You both look so well, so much better now" said the nurse which was sweet of her. "Debbie you look just like your Mum, your smile, your eyes, I have never thought of you as anyone other than Debbie, a female. You are in the right place in your life now".

My loved ones and I have all been across a mythical river that often threatened to sweep us away under a torrent of conflicting emotions. We are now on relatively dry land on the other side, enjoying the view while we can. Nicky has made a great song about waving from the other side http://thecandyflossgirl.blogspot.com/2010/02/waving-from-other-side.html a phrase created by a special friend. My thoughts are with a very dear friend, an inspirational dear friend whose friendship I value so much who is about to undertake FFS across the pond in America. She is in a place that used to have a well known TV series called Cheers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD8ljNobUys.

All of the challenges posed by FFS were for me very much worth it, I hope and pray Jo gets well soon and everybody knows her name for her wonderful kind compassionate many many talents.

Cheers to you Jo
May your FFS bring you everything you wish for.

Love
Debbie

Standing on the edge of something new

2010-02-15T13:51:00.000-08:00

With all I have been through in my life, as crazy as it sounds I do not like change. I took this blurry photo after a sleepless night with blurry eyes, as the sun began to rise as I lay in my hospital bed, too afraid to move very far in case I started to bleed again, after my GRS in November last year. Three months later I am ready to open my wings and begin to experience my new life.

I am still very happy and have no regrets. I continue to have my challenges, my personal demons.

One of my major Goals for this year is to try to return to paid employment. After having to give up my career due to ill health caused by gender dysphoria, work related stress and a degree of victimisation, some five years ago, I need to keep my faith and try not to panic. Trying to find any kind of paid employment during a world wide recession while dealing with the separation anxiety my family and I feel having such a loving close relationship is proving quite daunting.

I burst into tears today at a meeting with a kind gentleman who has been advising me how best to achieve this. They were actually tears of joy. I have come a very long way and my life has changed so much for the better now but none the less I find taking the next steps in my new life a real dilemma. I need to push my boundaries, keep moving forward. I also have to be careful to judge the pace of my recovery, the movement I need to maintain and not to do too much too soon or set myself up to fail.

Recently I was very moved by the wise words of a very kind lady called Tess on the Angels support forum. A forum for transgendered people which used to be such a haven, a forum from which i have made some very special friends. She kindly reached out to support a sister and replied to a person who was struggling to face the next big challenge in her life. Her wise poigniant words are below.

The words of an Angel.

"Sometimes when we stand on the edge of something new, even of something we have planned and wished and hoped for for years, the immensity of the step before us is paralysing.

Whatever it is we are leaving behind it is familiar. It may have been warm and comfortable, but wrong; it may have been an awful place that we have been desperate to leave. Whichever it is it is what we have known and its boundaries, its dangers and its comforts are well-known. However horrible it is we are safe there, we have routines and we are habituated to it.

Standing on the edge of the new life, with our wings spread is the worst moment of all. Below us is the unknown and we will be stepping away from everything that was once reliable. Here, at this moment, we can step back. We can say “No.” After all we have survived here for so long. Curling back onto a ball will make the fear go away and the familiar come back.

But what if this chance only ever comes once? All that time spent dreaming, planning and preparing, all the effort we have put into getting to this point that was about what might be; the things that we want. These plans have been built with hope, with love and with excitement. If we don’t take that chance, seize this opportunity there is no reason why we cannot plan it all again. We will always have that plan, we can enact it anytime. But deep inside we know that the chance has gone, that it will never happen now. So when we dream and plan even prepare we are no longer building with hope, we are building with regret. And nothing good has ever been built with regret. "

May your week be kind to you.
Peace and love
Debbie

A return to Eden?

2010-02-09T07:07:00.000-08:00

Time seems to have flown by. I am now three months post op and looking forward to the future. For so long I dwelled on my past, existing in stasis, never believing some one so lacking in confidence and self esteem as me would one day get as far as being able to finally live my dreams.

My 12 weeks post op appointment in Brighton last month proved to be a very emotional thought provoking experience.

GRS was important and right for me but not the holly grail, part of a new beginning, a very necessary procedure to correct a birth defect not an end.

The journey we may take to get there is a precarious one especially with our clarity of thought to see the right path to take clouded by stress, dysphoria and the resulting ill health that can bring. What we need to do, the changes we feel we need to make to our lives and their effect on our relationships with our loved ones, our families, friends and colleagues, our careers, our ability to make a living and support our families often bring so much heartache. Sometimes not getting what we wish for can be a blessing as so much of the consequences of what we feel we need to do once done can never ever go back to the way they once were. Unfortunately for many this is not a choice or a lifestyle, equally some cannot make the changes they need to. No ones path is right or wrong, bigger or better. We are people not labels! I felt the pace of my transition took for ever but changes only really happened successfully when I was ready and from my humble experience you know when you get to this point. I found others stories inspirational and once you begin to make little changes you can get swept along by the successes of others. May be too quickly and perhaps the author of those successes chooses not to tell you the bad bits. Its not a race and ideally it has to be what is right for you.

Our aspirations for any surgical procedures we undertake require a lot of soul searching and very careful research. The convalescence period can take quite a while before you begin to feel anything like how you used to and can give you plenty, perhaps too much time to reflect on all you have gained and all you have lost along the way.

Just as I struggled with my creativity regarding my painting I have found myself blocked from blogging lately. Partly due to devoting my time to caring for my parents, building my new life, lack of access to a computer but also lacking confidence in what I should or should not write. I feel very conscious of how lucky I am and how fortunate I have been in so many ways. I always try to write from the heart and be truthful. I have lived in the shadow of depression for so long I now feel more able to look on the positive side. Does that make my view too sugar coated? I still get anxious feel frightened and aware of my history for depression but I no longer want those feelings to control and define me as well as bore friends rigid.

The reality of life’s challenges occasionally continue to drag me back into the darkness but my life is unquestionably infinitely better than it would have been had I not accepted the changes I felt I needed to make. GRS was never going to be a miracle cure for all my insecurities and anxiety issues. In truth it has not entirely removed all symptoms of my gender dysphoria. As my energy levels improved and circumstances allow I have found myself finally able to live my life relatively dysphoria free but there remains a baggage we seem forced to still carry which society and our own perhaps excessive self analysis never let us forget.

With some friends who may read this blog facing difficult times regarding loved ones or approaching or experiencing surgery I have found it really difficult to share my experiences in case they prejudice their expectations, upset them by increasing their fears or by glossing over the bad experiences not forewarning them of what could lay ahead. We all have such different complex lives, different emotions and needs as well as pain levels etc I really value the friendships I have made here with you.

How different our experiences can be with one surgeon and the same medical team using the same hospital was bought home to me by the patients in the waiting room to see Mr Thomas the surgeon, clinic. For me the outcome of the surgery remains a life affirming experience. There has been a lot of fatigue, a few hormonal mood swings and physical uncomfortableness. Perhaps a little more pain than I have chosen to disclose here but for me a process that was no where near as daunting or painful as I expected and trust me I am a coward when it comes to pain. The saying “no sense no feeling” springs to mind! A consequence of any surgery may be that you do not recover all feeling. I still have numbness in a small part of my lower lip from my facial feminisation surgery in Jan 2008 which is now unlikely ever to return and other aspects were not perfect but my expectations of how the surgery may help me were realistic and achieved. The surgeon Dr van der Dussen had a very poor canvas on which to work, the wrong shape and texture! Could he have done more or a better job? Do I wish he had been able to do more? Yes but perhaps more out of vanity and how much I could afford than dysphoria. I am still happy with the results. Regarding my recent GRS lets just say I have been very fortunate not to experience very much pain but there is also so far absolutely no feeling in certain personal aspects of the surgery I do not wish to disclose here. I am still very very happy with my surgery and the care I have received. I was reassuringly told they have more problems with complicated hernias than they do with GRS but if you are one of the unlucky ones its of little comfort.

The Nuffield Hospital Brighton feels like "a smile factory" to me. I still have to pinch myself to believe that I too had that post op smile beaming brightly. The drive to Brighton sharing a beautiful sunset with Mum felt like I was returning to a kind of Eden but occasionally sometimes as the story goes that apple can be poisoned and the outcome very painful. You can never tell quite how you are going to react to each aspect of the procedure.

The patients attending Mr Thomas evening clinic comprised of one lady who was there with her partner, who gleefully told me she was really happy with her surgery and even knew exactly how many days it was since she had her surgery. Another lady appeared in terrible discomfort and could barely walk. My heart went out to her. A Mum arrived with her very young looking daughter. The young lady appeared as any other genetic female of her tender years and perhaps that was the case but either way she was attending Mr Thomas clinic that night. They may well have suffered at the insensitive hands of the journalists who chose to cruelly sensationalise their story. She looked as though she may have been on some form of puberty blocking treatment which delay the ravages that testosterone can have on our bodies until she was of an age where she could be sure or legally be able to have surgery. I would be lying if I said I did not feel a tinge of regret or envy at not having had the opportunity or in truth been ready to have the surgery when I was her age.

I was sat there all smiles but frightened of what they might need to do to me at the appointment. Being so blessed to still have my Mum alongside me; supporting me after all she had been through recently meant so much to me. My Dad had kindly offered to come if she was too poorly to have made it as he did not want me going alone. With a life time of trying to deal with a transgender daughter with what had for so long been the limited knowledge/beliefs and understanding from a bygone age. For them both to have found themselves in the hell of denial for a dozen or more years to be offering the level of acceptance and unconditional love they do now and for me to cherish everyday with them is simply incredible and way beyond my vocabulary.

I did require a remedial procedure involving the removal of some granulation tissue which had built up unknowingly to me as my body had tried to heal itself too quickly. I was very lucky it had developed in an area which did not cause me pain while dilating. The procedure was uncomfortable but I was able to drive home. It has set my progress back a little and been painful and tender for a while but not too bad. The news that the follow up appointment with Doctor Curtis the gender specialist who monitors my hormone treatment would be paid by Mr Thomas as Doctor Curtis referred me to him for GRS was welcome news. I am now ready to try to make my way in my new life. I read a very poignant reply by a compassionate and wise lady called Tess on Angels a UK transgender support forum regarding a woman who was very nervous about beginning her new life which I will post shortly.

I am on that edge, wings outstretched, ready to fly, very excited, a little frightened, separation anxiety regarding my devotion to my parents weighing heavily on my heart and conscious, not sure if I can deal with life’s really hard knocks having lived in such a safe familiar environment for so long but there is no regret no turning back now.

Lots of love
Debbie
PS many thanks to Anji for the lovely photo on the postcard above which she kindly sent to me. That lady reminds me of someone I know, who should be painting!

Drowning in fresh air

2010-01-26T04:31:00.000-08:00

Life can change so quickly and can be full of the unexpected. Life had been going so well for me. My energy levels had begun to improve after 8 weeks. The discomfort and ocassional shooting pain from my surgery had settled down. Dilating had for the first 6 weeks been taking up what seemed so much of my day. I had just started venturing out & been enjoying short walks in the fresh air.

Just before Christmas my Mum had an allergic reaction to some medication that she had previously been fine with. She developed a very bad wheezy cough and shortness of breath within minutes of taking it. She did not want to make a fuss and begged us not to call an ambulance. I was torn what to do and so called her own doctor who arrived within minutes. He gave her antihistamines and steroid injections which almost certainly saved her life thanks to his prompt actions. We were so lucky, if she had been home on her own she may not have survived. He gave her a course of tablets for 3 days for her system to be clear of the medication which may have caused the problem, which he hoped would be successful.

We had a lovely Christmas together. Unfortunately the symptoms gradually came back once Mum finished her course of tablets and with the doctors closed over Christmas holidays she became steadily worse. We were up until the middle of the night for several nights and none of us could sleep with worry. Health problems particularly breathing always seem worse at night. With snow and ice on the ground we could not risk venturing out.

Thankfully the snow began to thaw a little and as soon as her doctor surgery reopened after the holidays we got to see him. We did not know what was happening to her. I felt so guilty and responsible for how my Mum was feeling. First my Dad was taken ill trying to do too much while I was unable to help him because of my operation, then my Mum was taken ill. She was getting really anxious about my surgery and I was afraid the strain had weakened her heart. We were all getting very frightened but tried in vain not to show it. The not knowing what was causing her symptoms was the worst bit.

Having to go out in the cold air to visit her doctor made her breathing even worse. When we arrived the patients in the waiting room appeared afraid she had swine flu. We were rushed in to see her doctor.

He surprised us by diagnosing asthma which usually occurs much earlier in life. It had been bought on by the side effects of a blood pressure tablet she had used for several years and the allergic reaction bought on the severe symptoms. He gave Mum a prescription for inhailers. As we were leaving because of the noise her chest was making the nursing staff stopped us in our tracks. They were so kind so helpful. Nothing was too much trouble. Mum told me she was terrified of going to hospital in case she picked up an infection in the wards. They gave her oxygen and special asthma medication. Thankfully she responded to treatment and we were able to return home.

As an Asthmatic from childhood I should have recognised the familiar signs. It was as though she was drowning in fresh air. I have been teaching Mum how to use inhalers morning and night. For a time she has had to learn how to breath again. I did not appreciate Asthma could develop in older people and never expected to have to go through this traumatic experience with her at this time in her life. Mum pulled through. She has survived a world war and been through far greater challenges.

She is doing really well now and using her inhalers just fine. So much so she is kindly accompanying me to Brighton today for my post op appointment with Mr Thomas. Nether of us ever dreamed we would make this journey together.

For our loved ones and ourselves, the guilt, the fear of the unknown can sometimes get too much and in panic it feels like we are drowning in a sea of love, always responsible for how the other is feeling. A miracle has happened for us. Our little family had been through such dark times together we now treasure every moment. We have reached a very emotional spiritual place where the ordinariness becomes so life affirming, so loud and yet so peaceful.

May life be kind to you.

Love

Debbie

Too Cold for Penguins!

2010-01-07T07:07:00.000-08:00

The announcer on our local radio station suggested it was too cold for Penguins. Shortly afterwards this little penguin arrived at the bird bath in my parents back garden.

With his "Happy feet on" he delivered

"The warmest of wishes for my dear friend Nicky and also my Mum".

Please Get Well Soon.

Lots of love
Debbie xxxxxxxx

Keep on Climbing in 2010

2009-12-30T11:45:00.000-08:00

For those of you facing challenges in the coming year may you keep on climbing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs the path that's right for you and may it lead to happiness.

Please if you can remember to enjoy the view as you go. There will come a time when you can break free from the dark clouds that sometimes gather and once more begin to appreciate the simple pleasures in life which are so important and are so often free but absolutely priceless.

From my humble experience I have found you have strength inside you, more you than you can perhaps ever imagine to achieve your hopes, your dreams, your goals.

You have so often lifted me onto your shoulders and supported me, just like the Ocelot cub in my painting with its Mum. I have been in a tranquil special place, my Christmas came early for me. Thanks to the love and understanding you have all shown to me, I have come into the light. The eloquent Lori D recent excellent posting http://lorisrevival.blogspot.com/2009/12/of-pink-clouds-pebbles-and-mountain.html mentions a pink cloud, the euphoric spiritual life affirming experience I have felt since my surgery.

Sadly in reality, life away from my misty pink clouds, the world can be a cruel place. So often endangered animals like the beautiful Ocelot in my painting are killed out of ignorance and selfish cruel needless stupidity. In their case for their skins so that ugly women can wear them, the Ocelots natural habitat destroyed by mankind. The painting reminds me of the wise words I heard at a talk given by one of my friends on "The Ark" Botswana's wildlife.

In the end, we conserve only what we love.
We only love what we understand.
We understand only what we are taught.

I have not had much time to access a computer in the last few months and have only fleetingly been able to catch up with our friends blogs. I was in hospital while many of my dear friends attended the transgendered day of remembrance http:///www.transgenderdor.org/?p=62 I recently caught up with Jo's blog and her very moving post about the tragic death of Andrea Waddell. She courageously found herself only to have her life so sadly taken. She was dearly loved and will be sadly missed. She had done all she could to live her dreams, to live a "respectable life", but out of ignorance society denied her the chance to live that life. God rest her soul.

Reading Andrea's story and the plight of the loved ones she left behind, moved me to tears and bought me down from my pink misty clouds with a bump. My thoughts turned to all of those who have tragically lost their lives in 2009 particularly those who have faced prejudice and ignorance while trying their best to do what they believed in, the innocent victims from all walks of life. Not just the transgendered , people such as the brave men and women solders who have sacrificed their lives so that we may be free and also the innocent civilians caught up in those conflicts.

Remembering these dear souls taught me a lot and reminded me how fortunate I am, how precious life is and how vulnerable we all are. How I wish we could all live together peacefully acknowledging and rejoicing in our differences, living in harmony, with love and understanding.

At this time of the year we all have our hopes and dreams for the year ahead.

Our journey through life, our climb may face many challenges in the future.

May your vision be clear & there be no limit to how far your heart can see in 2010.

Peace and Love
Debbie

Peace be with you

2009-12-24T08:14:00.000-08:00

May Peace, joy and happiness be yours this Christmas.

With Angels (like you) for friends we are never alone.

Time after time you have reached out your hands to support us in our hours of need and touched our hearts.

May all your dreams come true in 2010.

God Bless you all
Love
Debbie

Thank you

2009-12-08T14:11:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for your kindness, your support, your friendship and your love.

The peace and happiness I have been blessed with since my gender affirmation surgery is beyond my humble vocabulary and so much more than I ever dreamed possible. I am not a deeply religious person but I have found this an incredibly spiritual experience.

It feels like I have been in hibernation for a while now. Its time to take a look outside. I have been thinking of you all, wondering how you were all doing, out there in the big wide world.

I have been overwhelmed by your compassionate and thoughtful postings on my blog while I have been away. The visits I have received, the phone calls, texts and emails. You have all melted my heart and lifted my spirits. That so many of you took this trouble when you have so many worries in your own lives, is something that I will always remember and be grateful for.

Please accept my apologies for not posting a response earlier, it has been really difficult for me to get to my home and access a computer and will remain this way for a little while yet as I continue to convalesce at my parents.

Special thanks to Nicky for updating my blog. My dear friend I hope your visit to the "Smile factory" in Brighton early next year, brings you everything you wish for.

I am thrilled with my surgery. I am still smiling. The staff at the hospital were absolutely brilliant. I have not been in any prolonged pain just a bit uncomfortable. Fatigue has been my biggest challenge. I lost quite a bit of blood in hospital (bleeding from my urethra) but I have been reassured my levels were ok when I left hospital and that I am not likely to feel anything like my normal energy levels for a minimum of 8 weeks. Dilating three times a day is going well but beginning to feel very time consuming. I have recently developed a puberty like complexion which has required a course of antibiotics and the wearing of a paper bag on my head if I venture outside in case I frighten anyone. Lol!

It’s difficult for my Mum, Dad & I to find the right balance of care for each other as there is a tendency to want to do too much. Friends have been so kind to offer help to us but Dad bless him has wanted to look after me so much he overdid things. I pleaded with him to accept the kind help on offer He has been out in all weathers and at one point last week I found him slumped in a chair feeling dizzy and we had to call a doctor out. We were all very worried but thankfully after some rest he seems to have recovered. I promptly made the same mistake of doing too much too soon and abandoned my convalescing until my body said NO. We are now all taking things more steady, one day at a time. Life is good. Christmas has come early for me.

How I wish I could bottle up the peace and happiness I feel and send it to you all as gift for Christmas.

Thanks for everything.

Lots of love
Debbie

Thinking of Debbie (UPDATED with photo)

2009-11-09T03:44:00.000-08:00

Hi all, Nicky again, Debbie is going to be in hospital for a couple of days longer due to a small issue, but is in great spirits!!
So would you like to leave a small greeting as a comment on this post and I'll forward them all to her by SMS?, which she'll appreciate! (she doesn't have a laptop).
I'm visiting her tomorrow hopefully.
thx
nicky xx
ps Debbie wanted me to post this super happy photo!!

Debbie's text messages...

2009-11-06T15:04:00.000-08:00

Hi folks...Debbie lets me know how she's doing each day.
Mostly she asks how *I* am!!!...typical Debbie...
Tonight she sent me this by text message :

Hi Nicky
I have had a really lovely day today. Dear Jo, Lucy and two of my Mswell friends kindly visited me. I also had the treat of real food again,chicken mash. Tmorrow i hope to be able to sit in a chair. The simple pleasures in life. May your weekend bring everything you wish for.
love
Debbie x

Just wonderful.... :-)
nicky x

Debbie's GRS is complete & she is fine - UPDATED

2009-11-03T06:43:00.000-08:00

Obviously I'm not family, so the hospital wouldn't really speak to me, but Liz (the clinical nurse) very kindly briefly came on the phone at 2.50pm. I didn't like to nag them, of course.
"Obviously I can't go into detail, but the operation went well, and she's back on the ward and she's fine", she said.
I thanked her very much for taking the time to speak to me, and asked her to pass on our best wishes.
Wonderful to know that she's ok, and that all went well. She was so serene yesterday, and I'm sure she'll rest well this week.

Nicky xxx

UPDATED 4.20pm by Nicky
Debbie just called me! She sounded amazing, not in any pain (meds, I would presume), and they're keeping her very comfortable. She sounded very clear and lucid, much more so than others I've spoken to after surgeries. She's made of tough stuff! She asked me to pass on her thanks to everyone, and will try to make what phonecalls she can. I had to tell her to keep them short! so as not to tire. But she was clearly elated, but also very serene and happy.
She asked me to direct you to some music she is thinking of that explains how she feels, either by Simple Minds, or the Miley Cyrus song displayed on this blog page.
Nicky xx

Debbie is now having her GRS

2009-11-03T00:04:00.000-08:00

Hi all, it's Nicky again.
It's 8am, I got the text message shown below from Debbie at 6am. I managed to reply to her just before she will be now having her surgery.
She made it, and is doing so well !

Hi Nicky
soon that part of me that troubled me so, will be gone forever. Please say a prayer for my mum and dad,to bring them peace. I believe in angels.
most sacred heart of jesus i place all my trust in thee.
lots of love
bless you
debbie x

Debbie is settled in hospital

2009-11-02T08:43:00.000-08:00

As Debbie mentioned, I'll humbly try to update her blog where possible.
It's 4.45pm on monday, and she checked in at lunchtime today. Her GRS is tomorrow. I've just received this from her via text message :
Hi Nicky
I am all booked in and everything is fine. I still feel so at peace. It is the most beautiful feeling. I am in the room directly above the hospital entrance. All the rooms with a view are full at the moment, which is not a problem. All my heart can see is blue sky. Tomorrow i will be climbing so high. As long as my parents are fine, i will be too.
Bless you
lots of love
A very happy smiling
Debbie
I will try to talk to her later, and get a hospital update tomorrow.
Nicky xx

My date with my destiny has nearly arrived

2009-11-01T08:12:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for all your kind support. I really value our friendships & am so gratful for all the wonderful inspirational friends I have met on my journey. GRS is another process, a very life affirming process but not an end to my journey.

I will be having my surgery on 3rd November at 8-8.30.

I will be convalescing for 4-6 weeks at my parents & be away from my computer. All being well Nicky is kindly going to update my blog from time to time while I am away. I am blessed to be going to the surgeon of my choice at a hospital with very kind staff. If my parents & our doggy are fine while I am away until Tuesday week & remain healthy & happy when I return I will be the luckiest daughter in the world!

I may not be around for a while but will be thinking of you all.

I have included below details of my stay in hospital which I hope may be of interest to those of you who may be on the same path.

Time line of hospital stay for full Vaginoplasty

My procedure will be Penial inversion method
Arrive the day before surgery approx 12.00hrs

On day of admission Monday 2nd Nov:-
Bloods taken for a group & save.
Commence on a low residual diet.
Clexane given 12 hours pre-op. This is a small injection to thin your blood which helps to prevent any blood clots forming. You are given this daily for the next five days whilst you are on bed rest. (You may be seen by a psychiatrist for a second opinion at this stage if required). I have already had two suitably qualified confirmations as to my suitability for surgery.

Op day Tuesday 3rd Nov:-

Phosphate enema given to clear lower part of bowel (06.00 hrs am case, 11.30 hrs pm case.)
Shower.
Ted stockings, knee length (again helps to prevent blood clots).
Seen by Mr Thomas.
Seen by Anaesthetist.

Theatre Receovery:

You will be in theatre for approxiamately three hours & in recovery until your observations are stable enough for you to return to the ward.

Return to ward:

Post op observations until following day:
blood pressure, pulse, respirations oxygen levels & temperature. 15 minutes first hour, 30 minutes second hour, then 1-2 hourly throughout night.
Your dressings will be checked on a regular basis.

You will have two drains to drain any blood from collecting around your wounds.
Catheter to drain urine from your bladder. This stays insitu until day six.
IV fluids to keep you hydrated.
Vaginal pack insitu & t-bandage over your new vagina.
IV Antibiotics for two days.

Day one Wednesday:-
Blanket bath.
Clear fluid diet.
IV Antibiotics & clexane.
Pain control.
Bed rest.
IV fluids are discontinued.

Day two Thursday:-
Blanket bath.
Clear fluid diet.
IV Antibiotics & clexane.
Drains removed.
Pain control.
Bed rest.

Day three Friday:-
Assisted wash.
Low residual diet.
Oral Antibiotics & clexane.
Pain control.
Bed rest.

Day four Saturday:-
As above
Nurses will sit you out in a chair for 30 minutes, am & pm.
No standing or walking.

Day five Sunday :-
Pack removal by Mr Thomas or trained nurse.
Bath.
Teaching of dilating & douching.
Normal diet.
Last day of Antibiotics & clexane.
Pain control.
Mobilising.

Day six Monday:-
Catheter removal with antibiotic cover.
(Occasionally you may not be able to pass urine because of the swelling of your urethra, if this happens you will be re-catheterised & the cath will stay for seven days & be removed by your district nurse.
Breakfast, dilate, bath, douche.
Super dilate, bath, douche.
Pain control.
Mobilising.

Day seven Tuesday:-
Discharged home at 10.00am
Letter given for help at airport if required.
Letter given for GRP (This may be given at your post op check).
Letter given for GP.
Medication given to take home.
Discharge advice sheet & sick certificate if required.

When I come home I will have to undertake all the advice on the discharge sheet including many sessions of dialation. I have also been advised:-

No physical exercise for a minimum of first two weeks.

Begin carrying light weights after two weeks. Gradually increase weekly.

Bathe three times a day in a small amount of water for first three weeks.

You should not drive for three to four weeks. Legally you can only begin once you are able to do an emergency stop.

Begin very short walks with dog after two weeks.

I must stop blogging now & may be away for a while.

Your friendship means so much to me. Your kind words have lifted my spirits & are really appreciated.

May there be peaceful happy times ahead for you all.

Lots of love
Debbie

Why did you transition?

2009-11-01T07:38:00.000-08:00

I came across a picture of me pre transition which captures perfectly the turmoil I was in trying to live my life as a lie. The picture on the left was taken Christmas time 2007 & shows the strain of me having got to the point of realising/accepting I needed to & was finally ready to transition, having become so ill my close friends were afraid I was terminally ill. At this point I had always known how I was born with a body in conflict with my heart & mind but did not know if I could actually live the life full time. I had decided that for me, to improve my self esteem & to help smooth my transition into my new life I would be having facial feminisation surgery with Dr Dussen a month later in January 2008. I had not realised quite how ill I had looked at this time until I came across this very rare picture of me taken at the time.

The picture on the right is me 6months after the facial feminisation surgery. The changes were quite subtle but they were right for me, as was the new life.

I had contacted a small number of women who had successfully transitioned trying to find out what made them transition. I had wonder how some one so lacking in confidence & self esteem could possibly transition. No one can answer that question but you.

I had to find out my own truth when I was ready. January 2008 was that time. I went at a pace that was right for me & my loved ones & was fortunate enough to have the opportunity. We faced our fears together & have gained strength with each challenge we faced.

Here I am two days before my GRS totally at peace with the surgery I am about to undertake. No one could prepare you for how you may feel after the surgery but I am so grateful to be at this stage in my life.

Love

Debbie

Treasured memories:-

2009-11-01T07:32:00.000-08:00

I wish to dedicate this post to my beloved Auntie Peg. My Mums sister, my Auntie Peg passed away this day the 1st Nov 1979 at the age of 53. We will never ever forget her. She was a wonderful sister & the kindest of Aunties.

She had been suffering terribly from kidney failure & unable to have a transplant had been put on prescribed experimental drugs in hospital to prolong her life. Between Dialysis treatments she returned home in a terrible state & tragically took her own life. My dear Mum took a telephone call which was silent that morning which she has remembered for the rest of her life. She was so close to her sister & loved her dearly. My Mum has only recently just begun to find some kind of closure such has been her grief. My beloved Aunties suicide & the pain & suffering it caused my dear Mum undoubtedly helped save my life when I have been in turmoil over my gender issues.

I have witnessed first hand the pain & anguish my Mum has gone through. The tragic reasons my Auntie took her own life & the heatache suicide can cause to those who are left. As a consequence of our experience I have always felt responsible for trying to make my Mum happy. In many ways that has become how I feel about all my friends who I value dearly. I just wish you could all be happy. In reality I appreciate we cannot be responsible for how other people feel but it does not stop us caring.

My relationship with my Mum is so close, just as my Mums had probably been with her sister. Each year I have visited my dear Aunties grave to pray for her. I promised my Auntie through my prayers that I would always look after her sister. For many years I had told her in prayer of my anguish of not wishing to hurt my Mum by divulging my condition to her. How I had tried to live to my parents wishes to not transition while they were alive. Yesterday I visited my Aunties grave to pay my respects & to share with her my life affirming news that I would be having my GRS this Tuesday. I thanked her with all my heart for giving me a chance of the life I have now.

God Bless you Auntie Peg.

Life through a kaleidoscope:-

2009-11-01T06:22:00.000-08:00

With one day to go before I travel to the hospital for my GRS I feel so incredibly peaceful. My parents have been so supportive, my friends so kind. Life has been a blur trying to prepare for what feels like a period of hibernation, followed by something close to a rebirth. a chance to correct a birth defect to correctly realign my gender. The time when I return & the pain relief from the hospital starts to wear off will be challenging to say the least. As long as I can avoid stressing my parents we will be fine. My life has never been busier or more fulfilled. I have had some wonderful experiences & been overwhelmed by the kindness of my family & friends. There has been so much to think about & plan for.

So many emotions, so many memories. It has been like viewing my life through a kaleidoscope at times.

Very occasional paranoia induced by my withdrawal from hormones, a requirement for my surgery, has led to the odd anxiety overload. Liz Hills the lead clinical nurse had warned me not to read too much into other people’s experiences of gender realignment surgery.

She explained that you may tend to only hear about those who are unhappy or alternately those who feel their surgeon is the best & the only place to go. I am so fortunate to be going to the surgeon of my choice & the hospital of my choice. I am happy to place my trust with them but even so a little nerves are understandable.

The post op experience when I am back home & all the emotions, possible post op blues concerned me. There was a posting on a support forum called "angels" which referred to post op experiences. Foolishly rather like a child being warned not to do something I did & opened a Pandora’s Box of complex feelings. These played on my biggest fears, which actually caused me to take to my bed for a day. Liz was able to allay my fears & explained clearly why I should not worry as it should not happen to me. Wisely for me Liz has also told me not to think too much about that stage until I am through the operation & nearly ready to come home,which suits my natural anxiety.

Coming off the hormones 6 weeks before surgery has not been as bad as the fear I had of the unknown, my fear of how badly I would cope. I have been doubting my judgment even more than usual & making allowances. What was very different for me was I found myself being less passive. Every time I felt ready to bite, to say or write anything potentially inflammable, I wrote those feelings down & filed them. I then went back to look at them in the morning. Sometimes especially when my mood may be shall we say was questionable Silence was the best answer & gave me time for clarity before it’s too late. The lack of hormones & my natural anxiety are a potent but LIVABLE MIX.

I have been devoting my time to making sure everything is in place for my parents & ensuring their needs are all catered for. They have been brilliant so supportive. I am blessed to have so many lovely friends I wanted to catch up with before I go into hibernation but I found myself running out of time. So much shopping to get in so that Mum & Dad not to mention our doggy are all well looked after. My proudly independent parents did not want me to ask anyone to help them. It’s great they still feel able to be independent but I still needed to make sure there are friends on standby just in case they need anything.

My counselor is now coming down from London this Sunday afternoon so we can make any early start in the morning. She is kindly sleeping on my settee while I spend my last evening & night with my parents. They have never met her before so that is going to be one of many emotional events come Monday Morning. I am understandably becoming more nervous about the surgery but thankfully not my need to have it. Its how my parents will cope that tops my list of worries. I will be glad to be home again & through that first month of recovery. Then it will be Christmas & all the emotions that brings.

My sleep has started to suffer slightly but not too badly. I really am focusing on how lucky I am & all the wonderful things that have happened to me, the inspirational friends I have been so blessed to meet. I cannot see me sleeping at all on Monday night unless they knock me out. Memories of my childhood & the traumatic pain & emotions focused on that deformed part of my body are becoming intensely more vivid by the hour. I am understandably becoming more nervous about the surgery but thankfully not my need to have it.

(((((((((((peaceful thoughts)))))))))))

Lots of love
Debbie

My Guardian Angel was watching over me today

2009-10-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

Today I ended up in the wonderful care of a Paramedic called Sarah. I was involved in a near miss with a car being driven by an elderly driver reversing at speed without realising I was walking across the road behind him. I was hit but not run over. Thank God my Mum was not walking by my side. I was so lucky I came so close to having my world shattered, my dreams destroyed.
Life has a habit of never going to plan.

"What does not kill us makes us stronger" is a quote that springs to mind.

We all have our own worries, our own little worlds. It only takes a split seconds lack of concentration for our worlds to collide & our lives can change for ever.

Fortunately I had dropped my Mum off at the hairdressers to have her hair done & so I was on my own as I crossed the Tesco's supermarket car park to do the weekly shop. The driver had just driven past the main entrance. The road was clear. My heart was happy as I set off. Just at this point the guys concentration must have wavered. Concerned for his passenger, his disabled wife, I can only assume he decided to save her from having to walk too far & with his thoughts only for his loved one, reversed without looking, straight at me. I ran for my life. I often cursed my height which makes me feel self conscious & prevents me wearing high heals. Not any more. With my flat shoes on, laden with empty shopping bags, I just about avoided being hit full on as the car smashed into my side & caught my outstretched hand. My Mum would not have stood a chance if she had been with me. They were totally oblivious until they heard me bang the car as I bounced of their rear wing. The car hit me but at least it did not run me over.

I was at first in mild shock, my hand slightly grazed but I did not want to make a scene. There but for the grace of God. My elderly Dad could easily have made a similar mistake & so could I. Many a time when I have been humbly trying to do the right thing, it seems the gremlins try to strike. How many times have we ourselves driven when perhaps we should not have, our minds distracted by deep emotions? There have been a number of occasions when I have been too ill, perhaps too selfish, to realise the implications my actions could bring.

At first I thought no significant harm had been done. I tried to carry on shopping. I had a long list to get, but only managed a few more steps to get some flowers for my Mum, when my legs turned to jelly. I felt dizzy as I went into deep shock. The recent memories of my car crash in April conspired to bring all the trauma back. The closeness of my surgery, my worries about my parents, all combined to completely overwhelm me. One of my biggest fears is the safety of my beloved parents while I have to convalesce after my surgery & I cannot provide the care I usually strive to. The staff were so kind. I was whisked away in a wheel chair to a quiet room as my shock became a full blown panic attack. I did not want to be a nuisance but with my hormone imbalance, my emotions were in meltdown, they were left with no choice but to call for the emergency services.

An Angel in green, the paramedic Sarah arrived. She did & said all the right things. Calmed & comforted me, checking everything was ok. She really was a sister of mercy. A relative of hers had needed to travel a similar path. There is something so special about caring people, she was so sweet to me. She studied hard to get her degree. Her very nature or perhaps it was just fate bought her to the perfect career. Sarah was the only female member in a team of over thirty emergency response personal. She self depricatingly jokingly described her large bag of emergency medical equipment as just her make up bag. She also told me her boss says “she does everything the men do, the only difference being she does it in lipstick!” What an inspirational lady.

She stopped with me to make sure I required no further treatment. Eventually guiding me with the help of the staff first Aider to the restaurant, for a much appreciated sugary cup of tea. Unable to stay any longer, her time in much demand, my angel in green, from the northern town of Grimsby was gone, but will always be remembered. We had both travelled a long, long way for our paths to meet.

I am going to write a letter to Sarah boss to let him know what an excellent Paramedic he has in his team. It’s all too easy for people to complain & moan. A little thank you costs nothing. I hope the elderly couple got home safely. I forgive the elderly driver, I just hope he does not hurt anyone else, he would never forgive himself I am sure. Would I have been able to forgive him if he had run over my Mum or Dad? No.No.No. I am no Angel. None of us knew our worlds would collide, that our paths would cross today. Afterwards I looked back on the day to discover my life was the richer for the experience.

An hour & a half after arriving I rather shakily finally left the shop having only managed to get my Mums flowers, but more importantly I had escaped a very near miss with my life, my dreams to finally be a complete Ms still in tack. The food shopping can wait another day, now if it had been clothes shopping that would have been serious!

I had only recently thought how lucky I am & that if I died tomorrow I would die happy. That tomorrow nearly came but thankfully my guardian Angel was with me.

My best friend S gave me a gift at the start of my journey, A guardian angel plaque with the following words inscribed:-

My Guardian Angel
She watches over you each day.
With warm & loving care.
This little Angel guides your steps.
She is with you everywhere!

Another dear friend Karen posted an appropriate link to a beautiful song

Lucie Silvas Guardian Angel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3__3rRQKmk&feature=PlayList&p=C2042475F571D152&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=28

Dear Sarah C should you ever read this page, bless you for caring for me, for making my life richer.

((((((((((((Endless hugs & peaceful thoughts)))))))))))))

May your faith be your Guardian Angel
Love
Debbie x
PS I took the photo of the Angel outside the hospital in Brighton where I had just had the most amazing experience with my Mum http://beingtruetomyheart.blogspot.com/2009/09/room-with-view.html. We had just come through the doors of the hospital (in the background) where I will be having my GRS on Nov 3rd.
Was the Angel real? Our unconditional love certainly was.

The "Mones"

2009-10-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

With the my GRS just over three weeks away I am having quite a lot of soulful thoughts, like the tiger cub in this picture.

I completely stopped using my hormones patches on 22nd September as per the pre op requirements specific to the Nuffield Hospital Brighton for GRs with Mr Thomas. They advised me hormones should stop six weeks before surgery.

I decided to ease my self off the two prescribed eveorel patches by cutting down to one at 7 weeks before surgery, with my last patch applied on 20th stopping completely on 22nd. This was the first time I had been off hormones since Nov 1996 & I have been quite nervous how I would cope. The answer for me is not too bad. Certainly not as bad as I thought & if any one does not believe me, I will cry & throw a hissy fit, so there!

It has not been as scary as I thought it would be. I experienced a strange taste in my mouth within days. After a few days my skin seemed different & I felt more lethargic but no dramatic mood swings, hot flushes or sickness.

After the first week off hormones my "Happy face" momentarily failed me. I was due at the hospital for a voluntary day & having a nice shower when my mones went haywire. In floods of tears, my body feeling like it was reverting to man mode I felt too ugly to face the world. My skin feels so different. I suddenly felt very different, menopausal for goodness sake, I just knew it was going to happen at some point. I had to phone in to let them know I would be a little late. I was not going to let it beat me. I thought of all my sisters out there. How through it all, with all you have going on, you find the spirit & positive energy to keep going. If you are fortunate enough to have a job to go to a working girl does not have the option of throwing a sicky in the middle of a world wide recession.

I crawled into work only an hour late. Children's op was lovely as always I then went on to a new posting in medical personal. It was manic. The girls were snowed under with stressed out doctors/staff with queries about their pay etc. I was up & down running about like the most junior junior of filling assistants & was not involved in the stressy stuff. I was made to feel very much part of their team & my efforts although menial were valued. I was invited to join them for lunch, share a coffee & asked if I could come back again soon. One day I will but possibly not in that department!

I looked up at one point from my filling & in a rather grubby window there was a reflection of a woman in a very busy office, who had a very busy life, was tired, had been emotional, felt like cak but just kept going, She had a great big smile on her face. No one had a clue what she had been through where she had come from or where she was going, she was just one of the girls. That reflection was mine but once again I thought of all of you making your way in the working world.

As an aside it did strike me afterwards that all the most obvious stress & angst occurred in the medical personal office, with the paperwork not where the work was really critical in the caring departments, which perhaps says a lot about the misplaced priorities we can sometimes have in our working lives.

I had my pre-op bloods, swabs & hopefully last Triptorelin monthly injection on 29th September. Brighton advised me that Triptorelin testosterone blocker must be out of my system for at least a week prior to surgery. The last monthly one is to be five weeks before surgery date.

Due to the increased risk of infection at my voluntary work with the hospital I was advised by Brighton, once swabs for MRSA etc have been completed which should be 3-4 weeks before surgery I must stop working there. I have a second swab test this coming week. The first was clear. I was also advised I should not return to the hospital voluntary work for twelve weeks because of the risk of infection.

It was also recommended that my genital hair removal should ideally be completed 3 weeks prior to my surgery. I have had 13 electrolysis & 3 laser IPL sessions with an excellent hair removal specialist. It is not easy to find a practioner experienced & able to do this type of specialist hair removal. To help with my electrolysis I actually had to dye my hair black the night before so they were easier to locate. I have had to take painkillers & apply lots of prescribed emla cream to ease the discomfort of the final stages as my anxiety has increased. It is just another process to go through & better done beforehand than after when it may not even be possible. A humble recommendation to anyone who is considering hair removal with laser IPL is to consider doing it when you are young & your hair has more natural dark pigment.

My mood swings have become a bit more wobbly this week. Dad has been on his best behaviour bless him as my Mum has warned him I when I feel much more emotional. With my surgery so close now it is causing me to focus on that area of my body I had for so long managed to blank out of my mind. I never experienced “willy hate” just great sadness. Now it feels like those memories, those nerve endings are so raw they are already being cut by the surgeon. I feel these emotions are perfectly understandable & healthy. I would not be human if I went into this kind of surgery with no nerves at all. I have dreamed & planned off the day when that part of my body could be corrected. I may have dreamed it but now the reality of that dream is hitting me full on & conjuring up all kinds of emotions. I am experiencing all kinds of life affirming feelings together with a few demons.

With just over three weeks to go I think the time is right for me to stop all my voluntary work which I have really enjoyed doing. My concentration has become worse & my emotions heightened by the day. Nothing too out of the ordinary considering my date with destiny may be very very close, all being well.This is causing me additional anxiety in my personal friendships & I fear all hope for my most special of friendships may now reached its darkest hour after a glimmer of hope. In spite of the tears, there is so much to experience, so much to do. I have never ever felt more alive than I do now. Life is full of surprises. I must stop moaning about my mones. My judgment is slightly clouded by my lack of hormones but I can clearly see I have so much to be truly grateful for.

May your life be kind to you.
((((((((((Peace & hugs)))))))))
Love
Debbie

PS Please note any medical information needs to be confirmed by qualified medical personal who are assigned to look after your specific medical needs. We are all different & so are the requirements at different hospitals etc I only offer the information here as my particular experience.

The Inspirational Courageous Journey of Pam Warren

2009-10-07T12:48:00.000-07:00

The Courageous Journey of the Woman In The Mask
Ten years after the Paddington rail disaster

I watched a programme this week about an incredibly courageous woman facing the most frightening of fears. The story of Pam Warren who survived the Paddington Rail disaster despite horrific burns attempting to travel on a train again 10 years after the disaster was the most humbling experience.

I have been off my hormones for nearly 3 weeks now & my mood has been quite emotional to say the least. Thoughts of dear friends facing tremendously difficult situations are close to my heart. Life can be so cruel.

Childhood memories of the area of my body which will soon be operated on have become increasingly very vivid & unsettling. Sometimes it seems so daunting to face our demons. I have stood outside many doors too afraid to step inside. I was praying for inspiration for my friends going through such difficult times & for myself & my modest challenges. The strength of Pam Warren to step on board a train again, to face all she has been through shows how remarkable the human spirit can truly be.

For inspiration on how to face your demons & overcome adversity Pam's story is well worth reading. I have included parts of her experiences below:-

Seizing every opportunity: Pam Warren, ten years after the Paddington rail disaster.

The screech of metal against metal, wheels scraping along the steel track, was what frightened Pam Warren the most. The last time she'd heard that noise was on October 5, 1999, sitting in coach H of the 6.03am Great Western express to London Paddington just before it crashed head-on with the 8.06am Thames Train to Bedwyn, killing 31 people and injuring more than 400.

That sound was the one thing she'd forgotten; strangely missing from the terrifying nightmares and flashbacks which played in her mind like a video on a never-ending loop. But as she stood on the platform of Slough Station in Berkshire, to complete the journey she began at 7.42am ten years ago, the noise of the train pulling in conjured up all those repressed images.

The grinding and violent grating sound as the first-class carriage she was in crumpled before her eyes in the impact; the unnatural sound of men screaming around her; the white heat of a fireball and the sound of her hair crackling as the flames swept over her.

The sight of her leg on fire and the desperate scramble through a broken window all flashed back, as did memories of sitting on the railway bank - blackened and burned - staring in shock at her 'barbecued' fingers.

'My heart was racing and right up to the last second, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get on the train,' says Pam, 42, whose burned face, encased in a plastic mask, came to symbolise the horror of the Paddington crash.

'The logical side of my brain kept telling me I would be fine, but I didn't know if I'd be able to cope with the emotions which might wash over me.

'I haven't stepped on a train since the day of the crash, ten years ago, but I don't like the thought of fear ruling me or the crash defining me. I do not consider myself a victim and it was that feeling which stopped me running away.

I stared in shock at my barbecued, black fingers!

'To cope, I imagined myself inside a protective bubble, and it was only when another train whooshed past ours in the opposite direction that I jumped 6ft in the air. I also became anxious when we approached Ladbroke Grove where the crash occurred.

'The journey took 13 minutes, and it was a relief when it ended, but I felt elated when I got off the train because it was important for me to complete the journey I started ten years ago. It feels as if my life has come full circle. But will I do it again? I'm not sure, I really don't know if I'm brave enough.'

Pam Warren's remarkable train journey, two-and-a-half weeks ago, featured on ITV's Tonight programme with Trevor McDonald to mark the 10th anniversary of the Paddington rail crash. http://www.itv.com/ITVPlayer/Video/default.html?ViewType=5&Filter=103088

Pam Warren agreed to travel the same journey after she spoke to the rail industry's safety chief
Before agreeing to it, she met Len Porter, Chief Executive of RSSB, the industry's safety wing. Thames Trains was fined £2million in 2004 and Network Rail, previously Railtrack, was fined £4million in 2007 for the 'systemic and unacceptable' safety failures leading to the Paddington Crash, and Pam was keen to be reassured by Len Porter that the main recommendations from Lord Cullen's inquiry into the crash, had been implemented.

She also insisted on being accompanied by her psychologist, Anton Kruger, who helped her prepare mentally for the journey and remained in her line of vision throughout.

'Train safety is still not perfect, but it's comforting to know that lessons have been learned,' says Pam, who plans to mark the anniversary on Oct 5th, as she has done every year, by going somewhere quiet and thinking of all those 'who didn't make it'.

'The crash should never have happened and I wish every single one of those who died was still here, but the fact that rail travel is so much safer today is a very positive legacy for them to have left behind.'

Pam Warren suffered horrific burns in the crash in 1999. She travelled alongside her psychologist. This is the first time in five years that Pam, whose courage as 'the woman in the mask' touched the nation, has spoken about the crash.

After founding the Paddington Survivors' Group, she deliberately dropped out of the public eye in 2004, following an acrimonious and painful divorce from her husband, Peter. They'd been friends for 15 years, married for two and were business partners at the time of the accident, but the trauma eventually shattered their relationship. Today, they no longer speak.

My mask felt like a protective barrier against the world.

'Going over my story again and again felt like picking at a scab and I knew I had to disappear if I was going to allow myself time to heal properly,' says Pam, who was forced to give up the financial advisory service she set up with her ex-husband, who became her full-time carer after the crash.

The most striking thing about Pam Warren, today, is how good she looks, given the injuries she suffered. Her hair, burnt to within a whisker of her scalp, has grown back dark and glossy.

She has a delicate bone structure, soft eyes and a warm smile and it's hard to believe this face was once so swollen and disfigured that the sight of it in the mirror reduced her to tears.

'Very few people see me without my face on,' she says, referring to the camouflage make-up she uses to disguise the scars. 'When I look in the mirror now it is with acceptance. This is who I am and I hope this face will last me until I fall off the twig. Looks are not important, it is who you are inside and I am a much softer, kinder, nicer person than I was before the crash.'

Pam spent three weeks unconscious in intensive care. She endured more than 22 major operations on her face and hands and had to wear a transparent plastic mask for 23 hours a day for 18 months while the skin grafts healed.

'I still have the mask. Actually, there are three of them because as the swelling went down, they had to make a new one to make sure it was tight enough to keep the skin moist,' she says.
'I keep them in a memory box in the attic, with all the cards and letters of support I received. I don't ever look at them now, but I can't throw them out because they are an important part of my history.

'There will be more operations in the future, but it is mostly maintenance now. The grafted skin isn't like normal skin,' she says rubbing the surface of her hands, where the legacy of the burns are most evident with puckered skin and fingernails missing.

'It doesn't heal when you cut it. I can only go out in the sun with a big hat and special extra-strong sun cream I buy from Australia.

'Over the years I've had a few twits who, on seeing my scars, have asked: "God, what happened to you?" And I just reply: "I got burned", and walk away.

'Having stared death in the face, I've realised that life is too short to waste time on worrying about what people like that think of the way I look.

'I feel grateful for what the mask did for me. It felt like a protective barrier against the world when I most needed it and all the problems really started when it came off. The brain has a funny way of dealing with what is most important at any particular time and for the first 18 months it concentrated on my getting better physically, but after the mask came off all the emotions came to the fore.'

Pam suffered terrifying nightmares and flashbacks and found it impossible to adjust to her new life, her old one having been completely ripped apart. Perhaps, inevitably, the first casualty was her relationship with Peter, now 60, who'd lovingly devoted himself to her recovery.

I hit the bottle to make the flashbacks stop.

'I defy any marriage to survive what we went through, although I feel a large part of the blame for the collapse of ours lies with me, because of the mental challenge I was facing,' says Pam.
'I was not a nice person to be with. I couldn't cope with what I was going through as well as the responsibility of knowing that my well-being was affecting that of another person.

'There was a real sense from the beginning that this was something I had to go through alone, the feeling of "how could anyone else understand what I'm going through if they weren't there".

'To cope, I hit the bottle for about a year. At first, I found that a glass or two of wine in the evening helped me feel a bit better. Then a glass or two became a whole bottle, or maybe two. You think it is going to numb you, help you sleep, make you so zonked out you don't have flashbacks and nightmares. Then the next day I'd feel hungover and not want to do anything.
'It made me a horrible person to live with and it is the one period of my life of which I'm ashamed. I became a selfish, uncaring idiot.'

It was during this time, when negotiations with Thames Trains' insurers over Pam's compensation were also dragging, that she tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose of sleeping pills. When she told Peter what she'd done, he rushed her to hospital. 'It was after one particularly terrifying flashback - I just wanted to try and make them stop,' she says. ' Afterwards I was admitted to a private psychiatric clinic for three months and for the first time I felt relief.' Pam was subsequently diagnosed with chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

'I was finally being prescribed the right medication and I wasn't allowed to see any family or friends for three months - it was actually a relief, not having to worry about them or about the cooking or anything else. It was a nice rest.'

Pam's nadir came at a press conference in 2003 when she broke down in tears and wept: 'I wish I'd died in the crash.' She spoke movingly of losing the will to live as insurers insisted on what seemed like endless assessments of her physical injuries and emotional trauma.

Her real recovery finally started, however, after she stopped drinking and walked away from her marriage. Her sobriety came after a conversation with former Welsh Guardsman Simon Weston, who was badly burned during the Falklands War. Simon is lead ambassador of the Healing Foundation, a charity which helps rebuild the bodies, minds and lives of people with disfigurements. Pam now also works for the charity as an ambassador.

'Simon was one of the few people to understand what I was going through. He told me he used to drink to blot out the memories and asked me if that was what I was doing, too,' says Pam.
'He told me that no matter how bad it seemed now, it didn't mean I could not find another way to cope. He made me realise that it didn't have to be like this for ever. Then, when my close friend Jan, another Paddington survivor, told me: "I don't like you when you are like this," I went home and poured every single bottle of alcohol down the drain and just stopped. I didn't touch any drink for the next year.'

Pam is reluctant to discuss the end of her marriage in 2004, because she believes some things should remain private, but says: 'I regret the way I behaved, but I don't regret the end of the marriage. Once I was on my own I immediately began to feel happier.'

Pam credits her mental recovery on cognitive behavioural therapy, but one suspects that true grit has also played a part.

'What I like about my current psychologist Anton Kruger is that the first thing he said to me was: "Right, what do you want to do with your future?" and I loved that, it suits my personality,' says Pam.

'I don't like feeling trapped in the past. I hated not working and spending every day watching old black-and-white films at home and then having absolutely nothing to talk to my friends about. I wanted to be normal again; part of society.'

In 2003, Pam was awarded compensation, reported to be more than £1 million. She is prevented by the terms of the settlement from revealing exactly how much, but says: 'It is not as substantial as people think and working again was always going to be a necessity.'

.
In May 2007, Pam set up her own business and now works as an events manager, organising balls and corporate functions. Her favourite was a James Bond-themed event for an engineering firm. 'It's wonderful,' she says, 'doing a job which is so joyful and is all about making people happy.'

.
She also takes great pride in her voluntary work, mentoring other people who have suffered burns injuries to their faces.

.
'Often they don't want to wear the plastic mask, asking: "Will it do any good anyway?" but as soon as they see my face that question is immediately answered.

.
'I like to meet the whole family of such victims to warn them that, even though this person might feel positive now, there will be periods of depression in the future and not to be frightened of it,' says Pam, who is careful to take off long periods of time between jobs because of her continuing health problems.

'It's when I become exhausted that the depression sets in and I start having flashbacks and nightmares again. I've learned now to just give into to it, rather than fight it, knowing that in two or three days it will pass.'

Pam's evident happiness can also be partly explained by the new man in her life, an IT consultant, whom she met at a New Year's Eve party almost two years ago. 'He didn't know who I was when he asked me out, he just liked me for me,' she says, smiling broadly. 'I sat him down and said: "There are some things you need to know about me." I explained that I still sometimes suffer depression and need time and space to be on my own. I told him: "I'm a high-maintenance woman, so if you want to back off now you can." But he didn't.'

So are there times when Pam still wishes she hadn't survived the crash? 'Oh my goodness no, I love my life. I understand why I felt that way back then, because when you are constantly suffering flashbacks all you want to do is go to sleep and never wake up.

'But that's not who I am now. Having almost died, I want to pack as much into my life as I can. I want to travel to places I've never been, spend time with the people I love, and work because it's important to my sense of well-being.

.
'The one thing the Paddington Crash taught me is that you never know when your life is going to end, so you have to make the most of every single day.'

A lesson to us all from a very brave lady.

((((((((Peace & Hugs)))))))

Love

Debbie

A weekend of Revelations

2009-10-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

My parents & I never really had the chat about the birds & the bee’s or S E X. There just never seemed a need I guess. Mum & I have led very sheltered lives. We blush quite easily & although not completely innocent/naive we are far from worldly wise.

Sunday 5th October has been something of day of revelations. We have both dealt with some rather uncomfortable questions. The kind of questions not that many Mothers & daughters would normally need to have certainly not at a combined age of one hundred & thirty. I tried to be as open & honest as I could be without worrying her with too much information regarding my impending gender realignment surgery.

I explained to her that my need for surgery was to alleviate the discomfort I feel with my body, my gender & was nothing to do with my sexuality. Having a sexual relationship had just not been something that has been part of my life & perhaps never will. We talked about the dilators & how often I would be using them. How long the packing would be in place, all kinds of questions. She was very understanding. She has experienced far greater pain than I probably will from my GRS, during the joys of child birth & other operations of a womanly nature. We had never shared such intimate things before & this was to be another poignant emotional high on this journey.

Mum told me there was a history of the females in her family not being able to have children. According to my Mums doctors I was likely to be her last chance of a child as she was at high risk of a miscarriage. Her muscles were particularly week. When she finally became pregnant she was told to have as much bed rest as possible & had to give up her office job immediately.

When the doctors were sure she was pregnant because of her medical situation they gave her a special injection to improve her chances of avoiding a miscarriage. She remembers this very vividly. I may never know the significance of the effect this chemical wash had on me the embryo at this stage in my life I was born in the 1960s. We were perhaps one of the lucky ones as this was the period of time of the thalidomide fertility drug treatments. One of the young Mums who she shared the same maternity ward had a baby born with the effects of the thalidomide drug. They became life long friends.

My Mum was only 8 ½ stone when she gave birth early to me an underweight 7 ½ lbs. For several months I remained in hospital. I was born deformed in the genital region of my body. At 12 months I was very weak & could not sit up right.

All my childhood I suffered with kidney/urinary infections, stones etc & was constantly in & out of hospital. I suffered a great deal of pain in that region of my cursed body. I dreaded all the examinations. The only way I could deal with those feelings were to try to blank them out as best I could. Those memories are now once more open wounds with the nerve endings so exposed for all of us.

The bombshell my Mum dropped on me today was the explicit detail she went into about the state of the deformity I had been born with. Things were not where they should be for a normal male baby. At the age of five I was to have had an operation to correct it. I was prepared for surgery & at the last minute the surgeons decided it was unfair to put a young child through a series of such complicated risky surgery. They had hoped given time as an adult I would function normally.

I was not alone in blanking out the pain that part of my body had caused. When I told my parents in 1996 I needed to transition because of my gender dyshoria unknowingly that birth deformity had come back to haunt us all. All my parents understood of people like me was from the tabloids & TV of the time. They were appalled at the name that had been given to people like me “Transsexual”. To my Mum the reference to sex implied something salacious. They both went into denial & would not listen to me or my counsellor. They were from a different age & this was understandably just too much for them to be able to deal with. To go through all she has been through & then to have her dream of a child turn into a nightmare; I have great sympathy for her anguish when I shattered their lives by disclosing they had actually had a daughter.

Unfortunately my Mum eventually sought the advice of her own doctor Dr B. who had a very limited knowledge of my condition. She was nearing retirement age & about to become a missionary. She callously told my Mum that people born with my condition usually have to leave their home town & start a new life. They risk victimisation if they stay. When my Mum asked her for the medical records of her pregnancy, my birth & early childhood so they could begin to make sense of it all those records covering that part of our lives, so she claimed had gone missing. My poor Mum confessed she still blames her self which is so untrue. How heartbreaking to long for a child & have some one like me who’s condition has caused so much trauma to their lives.

I am not sure if this heartless doctors; ill informed remarks robbed us of spending a more fulfilled & happy life together but it certainly contributed to the heart ache we have had to go through to get where we are now.

It may have just been nature. It may have been the well intentioned medical intervention but something must have happened to me in the womb that caused me to be born this way. It would appear that at this moment in time there is no medical test that can be done until you are deceased. I do not need validation but today’s revelations have come as a bit of a shock.

What happened to me to cause me to be born this way I may never know?

I am not sure if it matters. I have never blamed anyone for my condition. God made me like this for a reason. I would not be here as the person I am today, were it not for my beloved Mum & Dad or those doctors had not intervened. All that matters is that we enjoy what future time we have together.

Having this surgery is very important to me but it is also just another procedure to go through. It saddens me when some souls on this journey claim their way is the only way or their T/dyshoria is bigger or more significant than another sister or brother. We are not defined by our condition, where we have come from does not dictate where we are going. I just wish we could all be friends where ever we are on the spectrum what ever path we feel we need to take.

With 4 weeks to go I am at complete peace with regard to my surgery. I wish everyone who feels they need this surgery could be able to have it. I am so lucky to have the opportunity to have the surgeon of my choice in the hospital of my choice with excellent facilities & very caring staff. I am naturally anxious & just wish it was all over. I am not sure if anything could prepare me for how I may feel afterwards. To have that deformity corrected to be comfortable in my body would be beyound any words of happiness my limited vocabularly could convey. God willing, I think the very large smile on my face will probably say it all. As long as the surgery actually happens in 4 weeks time & my parents are ok I will be ok.

I could not be going to be a better place for my particular needs or coming home to a nicer home. If I am honest I am more frightened of all the examinations than the actual surgery & the time when I am in the hospital. I am more nervous of how I may feel when I am home & those nerve endings start to heal & try to adjust to my new anatomy. I am not sure how I will cope with the pain both physically & mentally from maintaining & caring for my new anatomy. I have complete faith I will find the strength to pull through.

I have angels for friends who have guided me this far. Two actually visited my home & blessed me with their presence on Friday. To meet dear Jo & Nicky was both a joy & a privilege. I really value our friendship. With true friends like these, we need never feel alone. How I wish we could all meet up one day here on earth to give each other a big hug in person. Miracles can happen!

(((((((((((((((((((((Peace & hugs)))))))))))))))))
Love
Debbie

Beautiful Day

2009-09-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

Incredibly my Dad appears to have turned his depression around. I wanted to show him the person he loved was very much still around. It was a bit of a risk for so many reasons but as part of a birthday gift I took him to see the football with his daughter. Something we always used to do together. All week he had been so excited. When the vile Sun published articles about trans children on their front page I thought it might derail his progress but thankfully we worked through that as well. The day was perfect.

In the morning I had the sweetest of phone calls from my best friend inviting me to see her the following day. Dad & I had a great day together. For a dear Dad who in turmoil & denial at one point vowed he would never walk with me again if I transitioned, who ended up in hospital with all the worry it caused him, only two years later to be at a stadium with 19000 people in with his daughter by his side totally relaxed, a day neither of us ever believed could happen, makes me cry just thinking about it.

From the rather surreal experience of ordering the tickets at the stadium a few days earlier on the spur of the moment. Asking for seats in the quietest part of a football stadium. To be treated so differently to how I had ever been before by the staff in my other life. I mean that in the nicest of ways as throughout they treated me as ME a daughter devotedly taking her elderly Dad to a match. They helped Dad up the steps to his seat. They even took photo's for us using my camera as memento's of the day. In keeping with the script our team behaved perfectly by not getting my Dad over excited as he likes to kick every ball even at his tender years. They actually won for the first time in ages. Our team have been so bad for so long they have ended up back in the same low division they played in when my Dad was a young boy.

This was a big big day for my Dad. He had survived the second world war but this day was potentially full of a lot of emotional shrapnel. It has been so difficult for him as the parent of gender dysphoric child. We were unheard of in those days. My parents had no reference to guide them. I was useless at sport & try as he did he was perplexed as to why his young child showed so little interest, as he himself was brought up on sport. He had almost given up hope when he finally coaxed me along to his great passion. We bonded as he had always wished for. I loved every moment with him.

My childhood memories from the seventies of my distant past flood back to me. I wanted to please my Dad & live up to his expectations but where was my place in this apparently male dominated world. As an only child I had led a fairly sheltered life, preferring my own company, living in my safe imaginary world. I felt so alien in the landscape he wanted to take me to. Like a monochrome chameleon I had to quickly learn to adapt to blend to survive.

Of my early visits to the football, these random thoughts echo my feelings. The horrible smell of tobacco, the pear drop sweets, the machismo I felt no part of yet it felt ok with my Dad. The strange tribalism of the large crowds. A crowd I felt so isolated in, aside from being so close to my Dad. Sweet Caroline http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmV_YJm5jAc playing on the loudspeakers. The long haired androgynous hippie fashions of the youths of that bygone time. The frightening potential for hooliganism to ignite at any time. My confused & distressed feelings at the sometimes sexist, racist & homophobic reaction of the crowds. Political Correctness had not existed in those dark days. I recall seeing George Best play & his girlfriend a model called Angie walking the touchline. She was probably the original WAG & was subject to all kinds of chauvinistic catcalls which really upset me. She seemed so confident, so content in her own skin. I felt I must be the only person with a male body in the stadium who wanted to be like her & not the gorgeous wayward genius Georgie Best. I felt safe by my Dads side.

Sorry I digress from our perfect day. We savoured every moment of our time together sharing what we both knew was likely to be our last ever chance to share such an experience. When the final whistle blew we took an age to leave. As we walked through the crowds outside my Dad stumbled & as I struggled to hold him upright a kind football fan appeared from no where to steady him. This mans compassionate act could not have been further from the preconceived fears we both once may have had about how we may be treated by certain parts of society. If we could have danced back to our car together we would have done, we were both so happy.

When I got to see my friend the following day we got on really well together. Ironically her Dad had always wished for a son & she was bought up supporting one of London's football teams with a fearsome reputation in the seventies. In those days female fans were something of a rarity. Thankfully times have hopefully changed. Its early days but there is hope in my heart that we can rebuild our friendship.

When a Dad & his daughter can share such treasured moments. When on evenings my Mum & I can walk arm in arm, our faces free of make up, our minds free of insecurities & simply be perceived to all the world but most importantly ourselves as Mother, Father & Daughter, its a beautiful day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6FwEJwwYcQ&feature=channel

My dear Dad will be 85 years young this week. He is the most wonderful Dad, a true Saint, my hero!

Love
Debbie

Don't let "The Sun" go down on these children

2009-09-19T11:36:00.000-07:00

The hate mongering vile British tabloid newspaper "the Sun" continues to put profit before lives. How many more lives will be ruined; how many lives will be lost as a result of such vile journalism as the one they smeared across their front page today. Stories they had featured on two successive days in a national paper like a glorified modern day witch hunt of the most vulnerable in society, children!

There is a UK support group for gender variant children & teenagers called Mermaids http://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/ for any who may have been effected by the issues raised.
Further information is available at the bottom of this page.

I am loathed to give the Suns article any publicity or insult the intelligence of the kind folk who visit this blog but for those who wish to http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2645444/Gender-swap-boy-aged-9-is-a-girl.html

The Sun editorial comment today quoted the following :-

"A crass act
NO child can know his or her sexuality at nine.
So it is alarming that a school has allowed a boy of nine to start term as a girl, with the headmistress's approval.
The situation calls for sensitivity.
But it also demands more intelligent handling than we have seen. "

The editor of the Sun appears to have been blind to the levels of crass insensitive unintelligent hate filled bigotry directed towards one of the remaining minority groups they seem to believe are open to abuse without legal protection. They seek to deliberately sensationalise to sell copy by deliberately misleading people by mentioning sexuality which is nothing to do with the gender issues these vulnerable children are experiencing. Gender & sexuality are not the same issue but sex sells tabloid papers.

Lets hope as was suggested on a recent support forum that the children & their families involved, can take this tabloid newspaper to the European court for breach of Article 8* of the European Convention on Human Rights.

* Article 8 .1. Everyone has the right to respect for his private and family life, his home and his correspondence.

I am ashamed to say my parents have had this paper delivered to their house since my adolescence & still do today. Sadly even now they believe some of the filth they continue to publish including parts of this article. If only these were the beliefs of a bygone age! An alarming indictment of the society we live in is that so do many others; because if people stopped buying it & they could not sell copies, they would not write such hate filled filth.

I am also ashamed because although I felt so angry about this article I am not able to find the courage to stand up for our rights & there in perhaps lies the uncomfortable truth of my angst. I also had a very distressing discussion with my parents raised by the ignorance in this article & even now a life time on, I lack the confidence or eloquence to convey just how upset frustrated, angry & frightened for these children I feel. This kind of malicious journalism further generates ignorance & destroys whole families lives.

In the end, humanity conserves only what it loves.

We only love what we understand.

We understand only what we are taught.

Thanks to journalism like that in the Sun newspaper, gender dysphoric children who are so vulnerable & are often critically endangered, may one day very soon become extinct.

I am still haunted by my parents comments regarding similar articles about transgendered people, at the breakfast table when I was a child getting ready for school. The fear of bullying, the trauma they contributed to my life is something I will never ever forget or forgive. In those days the articles did not appear to directly target vulnerable children in what appears to be a modern day witch hunt as the Suns articles have done today but they still had an impact on gender variant children. These children in the Sun article are so brave & must have been through so much to do what they need to go through so early in life. I am one of the lucky gender dysphoric youth of yesteryear. I still very much have a life to live for.

The saying "Sticks & stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" could not be further from the truth. Words can hurt & ignorance is no excuse.

How many gender dysphoric children's lives have been ruined or have taken their own lives without any one knowing the reason why, since the Sun went down & down? How many more innocent children will have to die at the hands of hate filled bullies before journalists stop publishing such insensitive ill informed stories?

Please dont let the Sun go down on these children
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2EV3w2QxII

Further videos are available from http://www.gendervision.org/joomla/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=12&Itemid=28

There is a uk group called MERMAIDS WHICH IS A SUPPORT GROUP FOR GENDER VARIANT CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS. THERE AIM IS TO SIMPLY SUPPORT CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS UP TO AGE 19, WHO ARE TRYING TO COPE WITH GENDER IDENTITY ISSUES
In support of this one aim, they also intend to:

Offer support to parents, families, carers, and others
Raise awareness about gender issues amongst professionals (e.g. teachers, doctors, social services, etc.,) and the general public
Campaign for the recognition of this issue and the increase in professional services.
Helpline: 07020 935066 (12 noon - 9pm UK time, when staffed)
Website: http://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/

This was a song from my past & I thank God I have a future
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWaEOCfc1Wg

Please say a prayer

2009-09-16T06:12:00.000-07:00

Please say a prayer

I truly have friends for Angels. Right now some of those angels really need our love. There are days when I feel my anxiety for my family & friends, engulfing me. This is one of them. At these times I turn to my faith.

Most sacred heart of Jesus I place all my trust in thee.

So often they have been my Guardian Angels here on earth. So often they have reached out & touched my heart.

My beloved Dads health is causing concern for Mum & I. He is at times becoming very withdrawn& his thinking quite muddled. The poor love has confided in Mum he is not coping at all well with the thought of my surgery in November. This is all so hard for him. It is so cruel that sometimes we hurt the ones we love so much in this world. We all have our own worries.

There are several friends who kindly visit this blog who are going through really challenging times. Sometimes our blogs go quiet because we are just so busy living our lives. Sometimes its what we do not say that speaks volumes. Sometimes there is nothing wrong at all. A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you today the way you are. Bless you all.

A Guardian Angel Prayer for Friends:-

Guardian Angel,
watch over those whose names you can read in my heart.
Guard over them with every care
and make their way easy and their labours fruitful.
Dry their tears if they weep;
sanctify their joys;
raise their courage if they weaken;
restore their hope if they lose heart,
their health if they be ill,
truth if they err,
repentance if they fail.

Love
Debbie

A room with a view

2009-09-11T04:08:00.000-07:00

On Sunday I took my dear Mum to visit to the Nuffield hospital Brighton where I hope to be having my gender realignment surgery in November. I had arranged the visit with Liz Hills the lead clinical nurse to try to help allay my Mums worries & ease her anxiety about the care I would be receiving.

Sometimes with a bit of imagination there seems some parallels between the EM Forster novel “Room with a view” & my life. Lucy the lead character lived in Victorian times & seemed destined to follow a path of what was expected of her, hiding her emotions, something I am thankfully now almost completely incapable of doing. I certainly never dared dream, I would one day be in “the room with a view” I shared with my Mum last Sunday.

This visit was going to be an immensely difficult day for my Mum. My heart is still laden with the guilt of needing to take my beloved elderly parents through a period of huge change at their time in life. I am very conscious of just how blessed I am to still have my beloved parents with me.

It was an incredibly emotional day. Mums courage, her unconditional love knows no bounds. Liz was so kind, so understanding, simply 110% perfect. Mum was very impressed by the whole experience. The hospital, the staff & its location all met with her approval. They were all way beyond what she had ever expected.

I started the day with an early morning walk with my Dad. Each walk we share is absolutely priceless. This memorable morning we were greeted by the poignant sight of the young signets flexing their wings nearly ready for their maiden flight.

I worry so much about my beloved parents & how they will cope in the coming months. It would be perfectly understandable if they are still mourning what feels like the death of their son. To them my GRS date may fseem like their son’s funeral. It is not how I feel & after this visit I truly belive they can see my GRs as something more positive. It seems much harder for my Dad, bless him. He has had to come much further than Mum or I in a comparatively short space of time. From being in denial only two years ago, he has shown tremendous courage & kindness in accepting my need to transition. He is now incredibly protective of his daughter but coming along on this visit was just too much for him to cope with. Dad agreed to stay at home to look after our dog while Mum & I went off on our journey.

We played the songs from “Mama Mia” by Abba all the way there, stopping off in Arundel on route. I knew Liz was such an Angel & having spoken to her several times since my first visit in September last year, I had great faith in her. I did wonder perhaps if I may have been on an emotional hi during my first visit & got a bit carried away about just how good the hospital & its staff were. Seeing it for the second time & seeing my dear Mums face light up with a big smile of approval was one of the most happy & emotional days of my life.

I have so much to write about the experience, so much to remember. There are a few unexpected changes for me to come to terms with. I am going to have to curtail my hospital voluntary work a lot earlier than I had originally planned because of the risk of MRSA, cdif etc & will have to stop once I have had a swab test 4 weeks before surgery. Afterwards I have been advised that I should not risk going back for 12 weeks. I will also be staying in the hospital for seven days after my GRS, which is slightly longer than I appreciated. Mum & I struggle being apart for so long but thanks to this visit Mum is as impressed by the Nuffield as I was the first time & her anxiety may not be as bad as we feared. Her positive reaction to this visit lifted both our spirits & suddenly there was no limit to just how far our hearts could see.

I was also told by Liz there would be no need for me to travel to Brighton for a pre op appointment after all. She will be able to ask lots of questions over the phone which together with the results from the blood tests she has asked my GP to provide will give them all the information they require.

Unexpectedly we were invited to visit a patient from Edinburgh. We were introduced to a young lady of 26 who had her surgery 3 days previous. She looked amazing & had such a happy radiant smile. Her Dad was proudly by her side. They too had initially been afraid how their daughter would cope & had not wanted her to transition. She had felt very little pain & only experienced slight discomfort. Her only concern had been feeling rather sick due to all the medication still in her body from the anesthetic It was so sweet of them to allow us to visit them. There were so many intense emotions like this during the visit.

Afterwards we sat in the car talking & Mum revealed a secret to me that was to melt my heart completely. For years my dear Mum has struggled to deal with the loss of her family particularly her sister & Mum. She had never found closure in over thirty years. Each tragic anniversary her mood would dip dramatically, it was so difficult for all of us. In recent years she had hidden her grief from me.

Sundays visit had been a random date that was convenient for Liz & for me. Unbeknown to me until my Mum told me after our visit, September 6th was the anniversary of her dear Mums passing. She had courageously not said a word about it because she knew I would never ask her to go through such an emotional visit to Brighton on such a day had I remembered the significance of the date.

She told me it had felt right to go with her daughter on such a day. She told me that a date that had always until Sunday been a sad day on her calendar will now be remembered for a happy occasion. The courage, grace, dignity & unconditional love, as well as the total acceptance she had a daughter she knew needed this surgery, will be embellished in my mind for eternity.

We were still sat in the empty car park talking as the lovely Liz drove by cheerily waving at us as she finally went home exhausted & late to see her family. Liz had been at a TG conference in Norwich with the surgeon Mr Thomas for several days & only driven back on Saturday. Then on Sunday she came into the hospital to catch up with her work & freely gave up her afternoon for as long as we needed, never once making it seem like we were wasting her valuable time. It was such a heartwarming privilege to see these two wonderful Mums bond together as only Mums can. My beloved Mum got so much out of this special visit but she also gave something beyond her daughters most optimistic of dreams.

After I had hugged & kissed my dear Mum for all she had done for me, all the love we shared, we finally set off for home. Mama Mia was playing softly. The first track that played was by chance, supposedly random just like the date of our visit but in keeping with the spiritual aspects of the day it proved to be so memorable:- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-Gdyuz57M0

"I have a dream"!
I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I cross the stream - I have a dream
I cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I cross the stream - I have a dream
I cross the stream - I have a dream

Last Sunday the tears just rolled down my cheeks at the joy & emotions of the most magical day of my life. I certainly believe in Angels!

The picture above is of of my Mum in one of the rooms I am likely to be staying in at the hospital, looking at the view, contemplating the future of her only child. We are so fortunate to still be together & have a future to share, each day of which I cherish. There are so many less fortunate.

My thoughts turn to those who have lost their loved ones on this the eighth anniversary of the attacks by hijacked planes on America this day. My thoughts & prayers are with the nearly three thousand innocent victims that day & their bereaved families. How did those victims feel looking out of their office windows in the twin towers that day. You can read a very moving account of that day by dear Michelle http://michellesreality.blogspot.com/2009/09/remembering-911.html She was one of the survivors. The scars of all those whose lives were effected by this tragic day may never ever heal. How do all those families who have lost their loved ones that day & those who have continued to lose their precious loved ones in combat as a result, cope with knowing they will never see them come home again? Some of those who witnessed this tragic day unfold on television as children are now risking their lives at war. God bless them all.

Love
Debbie

The Butterfly

2009-09-05T07:51:00.000-07:00

Right now it feels like I am surfing a huge wave. I want to ride it for as long as I can. It has been such a life affirming experience.

A month ago I was at a cross roads. My emotions were running so high. I was afraid I could lose everything. I was close to having panic attacks, my Mum was becoming ill, I had increased my anti-depressants because my depression had returned, the progress I had made with my volunteer work & my creativity. This was all because I thought I could not deal with the breakdown of the relationship with my best friend. Once my reaction to this began to effect my Mums health I realised I had to turn my life around, once more. I was so fragile & vulnerable at this point. Thanks to my family, my dear friends & my faith, I found the support & comfort to make positive steps on the right path.

I have just been through a month of my life which encompassed the whole spectrum of emotions & humanity. Hopes, dreams, friendships old & new. Inspiring , unsettling, heartbreaking but all of it 110% living life to the full.

Last years annual art exhibition was like a "coming out" ball for me. It was wonderful. At the time it crucially gave me the confidence to believe for the first time in my life I could really live the life my heart had always longed for.

Just prior to this year’s annual art exhibition with my emotions so entwined with my creativity I felt I was on the verge of losing all the creative progress I had made. To stop this happening I decided it was time to “Come out “again, this time regarding my art. I had never felt confident I could paint the way I used to before I was so ill a few years ago but I had recently connected with my creativity more than ever before. I finally decided to let the hospital where I do voluntary work know about my creative side by showing them a book of my art. I also invited them to the art exhibition. They were really impressed & this boosted my self esteem. It also meant I could not back out of the exhibition or stop painting. The only place to go was forward.

I had a great time working at our annual wildlife art exhibition this year. I felt like I really played a full part this time. It took a team of over twenty helpers five days to put up. We had over 700 paintings & sculptors from 230 professional & amateur artists. On the handing in day I was like a child at Christmas mesmerised by the brilliant art work being unveiled before me. We were only open during the day for four days. There were three very busy private view nights & at the weekend we also had marquees with artists demonstrating their skills. We were fortunate to have several thousand visitors & sold over £60,000 of art. Financially it was an exceptional success considering the world wide recession. What I really enjoyed was the pleasure the work seemed to give & the inspiration it may have given to our visitors to take up art & perhaps think more about the conservation of our precious wildlife. When it was all over it only took a day to come down & it felt rather sad like taking the Christmas decoration downs. It was a lot of hard work for a small team of dedicated volunteers & seemed all over far too quickly but it was so worth the effort for the joy that it brings to so many.

The event was socially in terms of gender issues a total none event. I spent much of my time liaising between the artists & the full time staff, making teas or just running about doing errands. I continued to be totally comfortable & totally accepted as me as Debbie. Just as it should be. I felt completely comfortable in my new role in life & blended seamlessly right into my natural habitat, that place they call real life. If I could paint a picture that conveyed how beautiful & wondrous that feels yet also so ordinary, it would be a masterpiece, I feel impossible to express in my limited vocabulary. May be its a picture no artist could paint?

It has been such a special time for so many reasons. Having my beloved parents by my side attending one of the private view nights of the exhibition was one of many. An event they were unsure they would attend because of the complex issues of the break down of the relationship I had with my best friend.

Meeting so many wonderful friends was always going to be a joy. Some were old & many new. Friends from my old life, my previous working life who took the trouble to come along & were so pleased at how much happier & healthier I looked now than I ever had as Bob.

Meeting dear friends who are on the same path, such as the delightful Jo, a lady whose “Spirit of adventure” helped me so much to find my true self. Receiving a hug from dear Nicky via Jo was so sweet. Meeting the delightful Lucy Melford whose company was so charming & sharing some time with her on one of her own first big adventure into the full on real world. She very kindly bought my cheetah cub painting. She too has a creative talent & passion which had perhaps been dormant for far too long. To see her blossom in a haven I had found such solace in, was another major highlight.

Meeting my best friend & dealing with the initially fraught situation that followed with dignity gave me new strength that I was actually stronger health wise than I thought. I would like to publicly thank my friend Karen for offering me such inspiration in coping with stressful situations such as this. I had feared I may have been foolishly acting rather like a moth suicidally attracted to a flame, continuing to hope to rekindle something which once burned so bright. Thankfully I was wrong. Her initial angst was followed quickly the same evening by me receiving an unexpected apology from her. There after, each time we meet there was a thawing in the chill that had beset our friendship. This culminated in an opening of communications between us to a level which may, with some caution, given time, heal our friendship.

The last thing I would ever have wanted was for her & her husband to feel ostracised & isolated from our group of creative friends, who would all be at the exhibition for several days. This had all come about because of the insensitive cruel behaviour of a prominent couple in our group. To know how much they were hurting cut me to the bone. For me a person who had been in the closet afraid they would be ostracised from all their friends; only to have this incredible couple transform my life, by holding my hand every step of the way, until I was ready to be left free, my empathy was so intense. Perhaps I found it hard to let them go, perhaps in some way they had with me? May be its time for me to stop over analysing every part of my life & just live it. In good faith I did all I could, while respecting their wishes to give them space, to make sure everyone they knew realised how much they missed being with their friends at this event in the hope they would all reach out to them. Only they could make peace with their own demons, it was up to them to speak with the couple who had caused all their grief.

Last year something truly heart warming had happened out of a year of great sadness for my best friend, when she was finally able to discover just how good we all knew her art was, when her first solo exhibition was such a huge success. Her husband was also lacking in confidence in his brilliant artistic wildlife photography, which so many of our artists use as reference. Magically by the end of this years exhibition week he too was to discover just how good his creativity is & discover some self belief he never had before. Best of all they both found they had many many friends who had never stopped loving them. They are now both on a well deserved holiday.

Artists are often never happy with their work & tend not see their talents in the way others do. Perhaps a certain amount of artistic dysphoria prevails, who can say?

I had new members, new artists just starting out, chatting with me. Some were disappointed they had not sold. I hope I was able to reassure them & encourage them to make the most of their creative gifts. No one knows what potential they have in them until they try. It's never too late. I reminded them “it’s the taking part that really matters”, the camaraderie, the pleasure of creating something meaningful. This is art for goodness sake not war, it should be fun, and we are not in competition. At the same time it can mean so much & so enrich your soul. I reminded them to just enjoy taking part & meeting new friends. To be inspired not daunted. I told them of the times when I could not enter because my creativity was blocked. I commiserated with several artists who had been unable to enter this year & wished them well, trying to reassure them they will find a way when they are ready to achieve their creative dreams once more. I was so pleased to sell both my paintings this year but the event was about so much more than just selling paintings.

On the final day of the exhibition I had an encounter with an artist I had never had the privilege to meet before. This stranger was in many ways a kindred spirit. He was an elderly gentlemen who had been born in Africa & lived there most of his life. When he shared his story with me he bought everything that had happened in this maelstrom of creativity into perspective.

He had been a prolific & very successful wildlife artist in Africa who had been living in this country for five years. He was yet another tragic refugee from Zimbabwe. His only consolation was that he had escaped with his life. He had lost his family, his home had been burnt to the ground, he had been threatened with murder & torture several times before finally being driven out of his homelands. He left his soul in Africa; his creative life force had been burned to a cinder.

Sadly he is one of several new members we have had from Africa who has been through such an experience. He was to my knowledge the only one who had been completely unable to return to his painting & connect with his creativity & it was this fact that really got to my heart.

He kindly showed me photographs of his work, the most ethereal wildlife paintings I had ever seen. They carried such feeling, I was close to tears & so humbled. That he kindly shared them with me, is one more of many memories I will take with me. He had enjoyed our exhibition & the company of our friends so much he decided that very day to become a member. That we may just inspire such a tortured genius to return to his art after he had suffered such adversity in his life, was truly humbling. At this point, I was lost for words & still am. Everything happens for a reason but why………

All of this happened with the knowledge that this special haven of friends, this event could well be our last for my society of creative friends. Some how being through all of life’s recent challenges, in the scheme of things this did not faze me. It will be a tragedy particularly for amateur artists but also for the tourist attraction that holds our exhibition, as we both win from the situation of having our events in the park.

I will be so sad if that happens yet incredibly I feel more able to cope with my future now than ever before. Hopefully the friendships we have all made will survive. It does feel like so many of my social eggs are in one basket but so much is changing, evolving now. My life is so much richer. I have learned so much about myself & life, in this most incredible year. What will be, will be.

Upon my return to volunteering this week I had more amazing experiences. I intend keeping myself busy for as long as I can as my date with destiny on 3rd November suddenly begins to zoom into view. I am now doing voluntary work up to three days a week working in a hospital which I find so rewarding. I help in a paediatric department, the volunteer’s office, with a learning disability team & a bereavement team, mainly helping with administration tasks.

The senior sister in the paediatrics department asked me to see her this week. She had been so impressed by my art she asked me if I would consider painting murals in their sensory room, for the children. She also asked me if I would paint murals in their “Butterfly Room”. This is the room they take the brave young children to have their blood tests done. Often they have had so many injections & tests in their young lives they become frightened. They have creams or spray applied on their arms to help ease the pain of the injections. When they are ready they are taken to the "Butterfly Room" which is designed to be tranquil in appearance to help to relax them. The room is coloured pink & sprinkled with butterfly’s but now in need of some fresh paint. The sisters remit is for me to use my artistic judgement so that the room caters for boys & girls. They will be applying for funding soon & once I have recovered from my surgery I have this fantastic project to look forward to.

I am totally exhausted, emotionally drained but so grateful for the life I have now. I find the words of a song I heard recently resonating in my head. The singers name was familiar from my past, his name was also Rob, it seems I will never forget him.

"Life is for living, I have so much love running through my veins, so much to live for!"

How quickly life can change. There seems to be no time to draw breath as a new challenge or a new experience comes into my life. I am so relieved I have managed to cope with my anxiety issues & flourished in situations that had seemed potentially daunting. I am thrilled at the progress I have made in the last month to get my life back on track.

Sunday I hope to take my Mum to visit the hospital & meet the team where I will be having my surgery. She wants to come but if she changes her mind that's alright too. The trip is purely to help her anxiety & give her comfort that I will be in the best possible hands. That I need to put her & my dear Dad through such trauma at this time in their lives still fills me with so much guilt. She has been through so much in her life time, bless her. She looked so radiant at the exhibition, pretty as a picture.

I feel like a butterfly bathed in Sunlight for the first time. I wish these feelings could last for ever & that all of us who struggle, could believe in themselves & be given the chance to live our dreams!

Sweet dreams
Love
Debbie
Ps Please excuse the epic length of this post. I have hardly had time in my own home to type anything up for the last few weeks & just wanted to record all the special moments to share with you.

In to the light

2009-08-22T05:33:00.000-07:00

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These are two oil paintings which are inspired by the journey of life, we are all on. They reflect my life experiences since I have finally been able to live my life true to my heART.

The young tiger cub painting is called "Spirit of adventure".

The cheetah cub painting is my most recent & is called "In to the light".

How we react to life’s challenges, how we learn from our experiences is reflected in our spirit. I have been so grateful & blessed to have such a wonderful family & friends who have helped me to feel more alive than ever before. You have all been so generous to share your spirit with me.

From far & wide, all over the world, your “Spirit of adventure” has helped me to keep climbing, to push my boundaries & do the best I possibly can. The little tiger cub is reaching out for his dream, exploring his new world. Where ever you look you can see inspiration & my life has been so enriched by sharing your lives. I could list so many of you but true friends do not have to list all the things they do for each other.

As we progress through life's rich challenges it can feel like we are coming out from the darkness “In to the light”. That is very much how it has felt for me most of this year. The little cheetah cub was bathed in the late November sun which was setting low in the sky, some two year ago. I shared the magical experience with a dear friend called Anne who has since had major neck & back surgery, & two knee replacements. I have never heard her complain. She is always devoting her time for others. She will be with me there again this coming week. I will be by her side working with her. Her courage, her compassion, her creative genius but most all her remarkable spirit is an inspiration to so many, as you are!

The two paintings are my first oil paintings for nearly three years & all I have had time to paint such has been this incredibly busy year. It is now time for our annual art wildlife exhibition again. I am supposed to be helping get it all ready over the next 3-4 days. I was not sure if I would be well enough to even attend this year. It used to be such a joy such a haven. Your kind words have helped pull me through.

I have fallen behind & been rather reluctant in inviting friends to come along. I am not sure if it is the right kind of atmosphere. I am a little unsure if I will be able to survive all the emotions but recently my spirit has began to glow again. My parents are going to try to attend but even they have been put off by recent events. The gender stuff has not been a problem at all, it is the other circumstances involving friendships which have been so complicated & caused so much unnecessary upset.

It is sometimes easy for me as a person whose life is in transition to believe that I am the same person, even though I am undergoing great change. Nothing necessarily stays the same for anyone. I failed to appreciate that during life, in my case during my sometimes all consuming transition, other people/friends, family can all change too. We all have our own lives to live.

I had a lovely time meeting Jo at the exhibition last year. I wish you could all come along.

It is so important to find time for family & loved ones. My thoughts are with dear Alan who has sadly suffered the loss of his dear Auntie Frances. His recent blog post is so poignant.

My thoughts are also with my dear friend Denise who is having her GRS this morning. I hope it brings peace where once was conflict & that she heals really quickly.

I actually made a little progress with my best friend yesterday. Just a little step forward. I am not counting my chickens but there is always hope for the future

Thank you for being such a good friends. Time after time your kindness has reached out & touched my heart. Thank you for the inspiration.

God bless you.
((((((((((((((peaceful thoughts))))))))))
Lots of love
Debbie

A different perspective

2009-08-17T04:34:00.000-07:00

I fit differently into the world now. It just seems to have happened without me realising. It is the most wonderful feeling yet also it had become so ordinary I had begun almost to take it for granted. It feels so right. What does seem to have changed is how I feel the world perceives me.

I thankfully am also beginning to see the world through different eyes now. Recently those eyes have been temporally blurred by depression caused by heartache. Even if the emotions feel extreme they are in glorious colour. Nothings drab anymore. You also get to appreciate the simple pleasures in life.

I have still been struggling with my broken heart recently & feeling rather melancholy. My self esteem had taken a bit of a battering. Sometimes a woman has to pick herself up. Put on a happy face & be ready for new experiences, ready for change. Special thanks go to two friends who have recently helped rebuild my shattered confidence.

I went back over recent events looking for positives & began to see just how improved my life had actually become. My glass has actually been a lot more than half full even during times I had actually felt rather blue.

When I had reversed my parent’s new car into a pillar at the hospital I became upset & emotional. There was a big dent, scratches & yellow paint from the pillar all over the rear wing but it was not the materialistic damage I was really worried about. I had been very worried about my Mums reaction especially her health but she was fine. The nurses I worked with did what nurses do & were absolute Angels to me, when I went into shock & burst into tears. Their comforting words & a sugary cup of tea saved the day. My Mum & Dad were only concerned for my health not their new car when I told them what I had done.

When I took the car back to the dealership to assess the damage I needlessly thought I may have the mickey taken out of me by the manager who had sold it to us. He was a real blokey bloke kind of a guy. Our interaction was so different to how it would have been in my previous existence. He had a real rugged physical presence & was very attractive. When I had previously been out for a test drive before we bought the car, one of the other car salesman had made some cheeky chauvinistic comments about my lack of driving abilities when I parked. What I received from the manager was kindness personified. He was a real gentleman. Mum & I were asked to sit down in reception & he said he would take the car away & see what he could do. Fifteen minutes later he came back with all the paintwork cleaned & repaired the dents were barely visible. He did not even charge us. We exchanged hugs before leaving. Mum & I were stunned we thought it would have cost a fortune. We were so grateful we went off to buy a gift for his new born child, a nice cuddly toy, as a thank you.

When I went back to work the following week the nursing & admin staff were even more supportive of me. I really felt part of the team but more than that I felt at ease with who they accepted me to be. My parents, the car salesman & the hospital staff had all treated me as a woman. At least that's what it felt like to me. Perhaps I will never really know?What I do know is all the time I was just me. The male mask I had for so long felt forced to have to carry was a very very distant memory. This posting is deliberately sugar coated as I am trying deliberately to look from a different perspective at recent events which made me feel blue. The real world may not always be this sweet. When I think of my recent set backs which have knocked me sideways they pale into insignificance compared with those many friends face on this journey.

Later in the week Mum & I had belatedly gone out to get my Birthday present. I had been too sad to get anything beforehand. In the first shop we went in a pretty salmon coloured jacket in my favourite Per Una section of the shop was calling me from a good 50 yards away. It fitted perfectly but we had to be sure. Mum & I had the terrible task of going round at least half a dozen more shops, trying different styles, matching shoes etc. Mum found a lipstick she liked but they only appeared to have the tester left. While she walked away disconsolately I was able to get help from a sales girl & together we discussed lipsticks. Eventually she took down a display just to find the last one in the shop. Mums face was a picture of pleasure when I handed her the lippy as a gift. I We shared a coffee together to take the weight of our feet & after much discussion we agreed I should go right back to the original shop. That jacket clearly already had my name on it from the first moment I saw it.

My visit to the local hospital to see the consultant who had referred me for my GRS went really well. Beforehand I had been really worried my broken heart may get the better of me but again he was great. I had made a big effort after a sleepless night & put on my best summer dress & a big happy smile to impress him. He was lovely. When I phoned home to reassure my parents everything was ok they were so pleased I was still on track for my surgery yet they struggled with the concept of me wearing a dress, bless them.

Later that day I took my Mum to the doctors. She was with her GP a long time & I started to worry. My poor Mum had actually opened up to her own GP as to what had been behind her recent anxiety & panic attacks. For the first time in her life at the tender age of over eighty having known since 1996 of my condition she talked at length to her own doctor about her daughter. She told me it felt like a great weight had been lifted for her. It is so hard for my parents who come from a different generation to come to terms with my future but this was a huge breakthrough for her.

It is so difficult to take our loved ones on this journey. September brings another big challenge. Mum & I will be travelling to Brighton together next month to see the hospital where I wil be having my GRS. Liz Hills the amazing lead nurse there as if by telepathy sent me a very kind e-mail asking me to get in touch as she knew things could get quite difficult for all of us as the operation approaches. I hope this will help my Mums anxiety in the days ahead but she may not see it that way. I will leave it entirely up to her right down to the day to see if she still wants to go.

As I left my home on Sunday I meet up with my neighbours. We had a lovely chat. I have invited them to our annual art exhibition. One was very interested in buying one of my paintings even before it goes on display. Another neighbour recently generously put a delightful Rose bush in a pot to the side of my front door. I came back later to find her Mum kindly watering it & we had another lovely chat. It only seems five minutes ago I had to sneak out of my door when I was going through the very difficult stage of living dual role. Big hugs go to a friend who reads this blog, who is dealing with the very demanding balancing act of living dual role at this time. The stress I feel now is minuscule compared to how I felt in my previous existence when I was perceived as a male just because of my body & a certain birth defect. Life is so different for me now.

When I visited my parents this weekend it was a warm sunny day & our doggy wanted to play in the garden. Again it only seems a short while ago when I could not do this simple pleasure. Two years ago I took some photo’s in the garden while my parents were away on holiday, of me as Debbie with our doggy. (see the photo above) I took them to try to reassure them when they were ready to accept my need to transition, I would not look like a drag queen. In those days I could only go so far out into the back garden for fear of my parent’s neighbours seeing me. Now we can play in the garden any where we like. Come & go as we please.

Life is being kind to me. It could certainly be a whole lot worse. It is the right journey for me & even if I could turn back now, it is not something that is an option or something which has ever crossed my mind. It helps so much to see the world from a different perspective.

May your week be kind to you.
Love
Debbie

Will I be happy, will I be sad?

2009-08-13T03:20:00.000-07:00

My date for gender re-alignment surgery in November draws ever closer. A good friend of mine called Denise is about to have her surgery in the next week or two. I am so pleased for her. I wish her well & hope the surgery brings everything she dreams for.
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The emotions she is going through must be so intense. Trying to deal with them all with clarity, even with a lifetimes internal conflict cannot be easy. I am three months away from where she is. Thinking of my friend has caused me to take stock of how I feel now. It will be interesting to see how they compare with my feelings a week or two before my surgery.
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Right now that part of my body which requires surgery just feels dead. I dislike it. It makes me sad that it caused so much conflict in me & for my family. I do not intensely dislike that area of me. Subconsciously those feelings seemed hidden away in a box with the key throne away. I have for years tried not to think about that part of me. Now as time draws closer to having my birth defect corrected it causes me to think about matters I had blocked out since puberty. Some of its good some of it…………. I had so much pain down their as a child it scarred me for life.
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I cannot bare anyone seeing that part of me. The hair removal process required prior to surgery has been very traumatic for me especially when it first started. For a time it is becoming the unwanted focus of my life. Memories from my childhood come back to haunt me. Images of doctors poking & prodding just as they did to me as a child & adolescent, fill me with dread. Visions of a life long dream of correcting a wrong, a birth defect that has blighted me & my family’s life for eternity fill me with hope. Is that euphoria or the dreams of a mad woman, trapped in an alien body?

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How do we survive the first two months post op? I guess as crazy as it sounds at first by surviving all the emotions you feel in that 6 weeks prior to surgery, as a result of the enormity of the life changing surgery we are undertaking, combined with the hi octane of dealing with coming off hormone therapy. I am really frightened of the mood swing that starvation of hormones I have had in my body for over twelve years will bring. I wonder if there is anything I can take to ease the trauma? Herbal remedy or magic potion, anything that may help.
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I will have to try to cope one day at a time. I want to keep busy as long as I can. Try to keep working & occupying my mind right up until the last days before my surgery. At the same time not biting any ones head off. I have lost enough friends already!
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The first 12 hours after FFS were the most uncomfortable of my life. That took over 11 hours of surgery. By comparison 3-4 hours for such a life changing/affirming operation as GRS seems incredible. I got through the initial post FFS stage by imagining myself some time in the future, some where else, I will try that again. I have not had any doubts the surgery is right for me but there is no euphoria as such at the moment. There is a huge gratitude & appreciation I have the opportunity to correct a defect from my birth that has blighted my life. We would not be human if we were not a little scared.
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For me this is all about my gender conflict nothing to do with my sexuality. Relationships other than those involving deep friendship have not really been something I have ever been able to consider. I am a virgin & quite possibly will remain so. As Bob they were never an option. With body & mind finally in sync who knows what my future may hold.

How will I feel afterwards? I honestly do not know. I do feel like this has always been my destiny. It equally does not feel like a miracle cure all. Should it be? It is not going to take away all of my problems. It is not suddenly going to make me a woman, I have always felt I was a woman. Yet I wonder will my dysphoria have completely died to a point I feel at peace once this surgery is complete? This surgery feels like it goes much deeper than just body image to me.

Will this surgery correct a wrong; will this solidify how I fit into the world? Will I feel on a bad day I am a manufactured freak or at total peace, all conflict reconciled? How will it feel when we come through the other side of this? Will there be emptiness, will there be joy? My heart & my soul believe they will be smiling.
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I worry about the recovery period. How incapacitated I will be. How it will or will not all function. The pain. How it will all settle down. Will I have some numbness, loss of feeling as I have been left with from my facial surgery? There are all kinds of unknowns all kinds of risks yet I am driving on with blind faith. I think I am entitled to be a little nervous but still there is no doubt where I need to be.
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Most of all I am frightened of the impact on my elderly parents health. I am an only child, their carer & to them still their son. This is me finally mutilating & destroying the last vestiges of Bob. How is that going to feel for them? How are they going to cope at their tender years? How selfish am I to put them through all this? What if the strain causes them life threatening health problems? How are they going to be able to look after themselves & our doggy while I am laid up? As the day gets closer to my surgery the anxiety my parents feel will grow greater. My poor Mum has already recently had to start taking anti-depressants to cope. My Dad grows ever more tired. Can I really put them through this? I tried sacrificing my life for them & failed but am I heartless enough to relentlessly push on with my dream while their nightmare becomes a reality, that may drain them of their life force? We have to as a family work together on this. We are all trying our best but we seem powerless to fight our true nature.

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We should not wish our lives away but I wish the surgery & healing process were all over just the same. Then I could begin to truly immerse myself in my new life. At first the practical things in life & then if it happens who knows one day a relationship with a soul mate. I want to be able to pay my way in life again & get a part time job. For those having surgery who are in paid work it must also be such a worry. For those women who are in employment or running a business, they cannot know for sure what they are coming back to. I have great faith in them all to succeed. A recession is not the best of time to be going through transition yet we have all gained more strength of character than we perhaps ever dreamed we could.

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All of this, all of these questions yet it still feels right for me. It is part of my nature it was always part of my make up, my DNA, life force, what ever drives this, that was always going to lead to this day. What will be will be.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrcTo my dear friend Denise but also to all of you who kindly read this blog

"May your God be with you & you find peace where once was conflict".

Love
Debbie

Forgiveness

2009-08-09T13:21:00.000-07:00

I have been so inspired by our friends. So many have an incredible heart & spirit. An ability to keep going. We all have so much within us we are yet to discover. Each day in adversity brings new challenges, new opportunities for us to grow.
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My beloved Mum has been becoming increasingly anxious as I have struggled to deal with my reaction to the failing of my friendship with my best friend. I simply could not control my emotions. The last thing I wanted to do was cause Mum more anxiety. We were in effect feeding each others fears & worries. I was so selfishly obsessed by my pain I had let it take over my life.
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There was a very wise comment on a television programme recently which made me realise where I had been going so wrong. The quote went something like
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"Learn from your pain, but try not to let it be your master".
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The long period of grieving I had felt at losing the special friendship I once had with my friend turned for a time into anger. Anger at myself for reacting as I did, which made my Mum ill. Frustration at not being able to deal with my own emotions. I also very briefly felt anger towards the other parties involved especially as my pleas for help as I knew my resulting depression was making me ill & this was causing my Mum to worry, were not fully appreciated.
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Perhaps my willingness to forgive & try to move on was instrumental in the misunderstanding that caused so much pain for so many people I love so dearly. Just because you forgive it does not mean you necessarily forget. Far from it. I intensely dislike any conflict & just want everyone to be happy. That Utopian view is something which will always remain just a dream.
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The anger was I guess a natural part of the healing process & went quickly, but the message was clear. From that moment I was able to control my emotions, let go of the grief & move on a little. Sometimes we have to prioritise where to use our emotional energy. I am very forgiving & my dear friends must have far more important things than me, something really worrying them, to behave so out of character. I wish them well. I will always love them.
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It was only last Monday I found out quite how ill Mum was becoming, when I took her to the doctors. This was to be an eclectic moment during which I found clarity; I found guidance & self belief through my faith & by life's many challenges. Mum thankfully seemed to be generally improving now.
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I thought we had both turned a corner & then bang I managed to reverse my parent’s new car into a pillar at the hospital on Tuesday. I was so frightened of how my Mum was going to cope. Being so vulnerable I feared this would be the final straw but she was remarkable. Calmness personified. She was only concerned for me not the car. She forgave me, as did my Dad & they both offered their unconditional love. Mum & I subsequently shared a magical days clothes shopping together. Friday I met the surgeon who did my Facial Feminisation Surgery in London & had a great session with my counselor. My Mum is still very vulnerable but there was I hope more peace in our hearts.
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My parents health is of paramount importance to me. I am also due to have a very important meeting with the consultant psychiatrist who kindly referred me for surgery this Monday at my local hospital to further confirm my suitability mentally for my surgery. Had I been scheduled a week or so ago when I was still really struggling even though it was nothing to do with my gender issues or surgery who knows what may have happened.
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We can learn from our pain, at least the mental pain. Physical pain must be so much more difficult & I cannot begin to imagine how you deal with that. What we do share is the knowledge we are not alone in this world. Angels are every where!
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I hope my beloved family can forgive me for the all the anguish I have caused.
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To all my friends I have failed to stay in touch with or have sent confusing messages to, especially recently, please forgive me. I will never forget you.
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If you have faced up to a huge challenge & have re found your faith in yourself you have also found a truly remarkable spirit. You Rock! Dig deep my friends.
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You are doing the best you possibly can & you are inspiring others too, especially me.
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Big (((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) & ((((((((Peaceful thoughts)))))))))
Have a good week
Take care
Love
Debbie
PS I wrote this after receiving a sweet message from Karen who reads this blog. You are all Angels to me!

Keeping faith

2009-08-05T07:44:00.000-07:00

I had a very special birthday recently. It was significant because it should be my last before the birth defect which has caused me & my family so many traumas is finally corrected but also very poignantly in me finding peace through my faith.
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I am so grateful to finally be approaching my GRS. I will not actually believe it, until it finally happens & I wake up afterwards in the recovery room. It will offer me some unimaginable completeness physically yet will I ever be truly happy? Is anyone ever truly happy with their body, their appearance? No, not very often! Very few of us can live an airbrushed life. For me it is not about that, it goes much deeper below my skin. It is about reconciling pain, quietening a dysphoric voice that had become a scream which necessitated great changes to my life. It will no doubt bring significant emotional change but for me it does not signify the end of my transition. In a way this now rapidly approaching part of my journey feels like a rebirth, a new beginning but in reality is just another process we need to go throw. All be it, a huge, exciting & scary process. I will always be learning about my place in this world.
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During the early hours of my birthday I had so much going on in my head I had trouble sleeping & awoke three times crying/wallowing in self pity due to recent events with my best friend, at what I had lost, rather than all the wonderful things I have in my life, of which my beloved family & friends are so important. At three o'clock in the morning of my birthday I found myself praying for guidance, some clarity & peace of mind. I longed to be able to do the right thing for my family, for me & also for all the kind friends who have stayed with me on this journey. I had completely lost faith in myself & my self esteem had been hitting rock bottom. I had been making some very wrong decissions.
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I have never felt myself to be deeply religious even though I had been bought up a Catholic. I had even lost my faith at one point in my early twenties when I became overwhelmed with guilt & self hatred for ever angst ridden asking ”why me lord, why me?”
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Since I found myself accepting I finally needed to transition I have found my journey to be very spiritual. Being able to be True to your heart is the most uplifting experience. Many of us who find ourselves on this path share common experiences but have completely different lives. How we manage the immense changes many of which we have no control over or had no idea would happen, shape us as human beings. We feel so vulnerable, experience huge surges of uncontrollable emotions. We so often end up hurting those we love the most in this world. We get knocked down so many times but we find the faith to keep getting back up & grow in strength with each challenge we face. Now my soul feels more alive than ever before.
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As I prayed for guidance during the darkest part of my birthday morning a mystical calmness came over me & although my poor Dad had something of a coughing fit soon after which worried me I finally got to sleep. When I awoke the skies were blue. For an English summer this was something of a miracle in its self. My Dad was already up making breakfast. He played "Happy birthday" to me on his electronic organ. Our sweet little dog would not leave me alone. Mum was full of joy. I had some lovely cards to open! There really was Sunshine in my heart.
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We went for a family walk along the river. Usually it’s just Dad, the dog & I but this time Mum came to. It was glorious. We just strolled along together bathed in the morning sun. We met some friends & chatted. We stopped to relax & watch the world go by. Not a dysphoric cloud in sight. My vision un-blurred by depression, for the first time in recent weeks. Acknowledged & accepted by all who saw us as just any other family out for a walk. A Mum, a Dad, their daughter & her doggy sharing cherished moments. We are so lucky. If we could have gone any where in the world, & I could have had the most expensive presents imaginable it could not compare to this simple pleasure, this wonderful priceless gift was free, the greatest gift of all!

Originally we had planned to go out for the day to Christchurch some thirty miles away & perhaps have a meal out. Instead we stayed at home. Unfortunately Dads knee was playing up again & he had a sore throat, so we all ended up resting & enjoying our own company. We managed to get through copious amounts of Strawberry Gateaux & ice cream! We then went for another lovely walk in the evening Sun. It can be a wonderful life, if you have faith!
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May your God always be with you.
May you always have faith in yourself.
Much Love
Debbie

Respect & attitude

2009-07-31T06:48:00.000-07:00

There seems to be a river of emotions running through my ever changing life just now. Day by day I am gradually discovering you can live with all these emotions, really live & grow stronger, even when we feel so vulnerable. Nature is just taking its course. At times I am none to sure where the river is going to go next.
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It is my forty something Birthday in the next few days. I may just be the oldest teenager in the world. The only differences is that I have a whole lot more wrinkles & perhaps have the experience to recognize I have so much to learn & the reality of knowing I may not have much time left in which to acquire those life experiences.
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I hope to be celebrating my birthday with my beloved parents. I am now able to openly live my life as the person I was born to be. What more could this “old”girl wish for? I am so very lucky.
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Things are still no better with my best friend. Way below freezing & with little sign of a thaw. I have to move on & keep on going with the flow. Thanks to the help & inspiration of my family & remaining friends, I am surviving & growing as I heal from my recent heart ache.
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At times I have begun to wonder if I am just too sensitive to survive in this Modern World. I have been keeping myself really busy. There is so much to juggle with, so much to learn. Nothing seems to be staying the same. It is both exciting & at times scary. My "new dawn" has been rather unreliable as she has had some days which have been good & others particularly recently where I have felt really wobbly but I am still finding positives.
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Memories from my past are haunting parts of my present & are reminding me of my vulnerability. From the age of ten to my early twenties events in my life were to have a lasting impact on my future. My Mum tragically lost all the relatives she had in her family apart from Dad & I. This culminated in the loss of her beloved sister who committed suicide. She never recovered from this final blow & was unable to deal with the loss of her family. She never found closure. Dad was unable to cope & withdrew into himself. Mum turned to me, as her emotional confidante. I tried so hard to do the right thing & make her happy. I felt responsible yet totally powerless. Recognising but not quite resolving that some of those thought processes are similar to those I felt about my best friend are behind my recent turmoil.
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To this day neither Mum or I can cope with loss or being separated. I have had over twelve years of counselling to try to deal with my gender issues & my enmeshment issues. My gender issues are now almost all resolved & that is the most wonderful thing. The enmeshment issues have not changed at all but had been buried until recently. My childhood & adolescent memories, my emotions regarding relationships/friendships, loss & responsibility for feelings are as damaged as they have always been. All these emotions are boiling over. I am not coping at all well. My Mum is also struggling. She is worrying about me & I her. We are feeding each others anxiety. As I try to fight off my depression caused by my feelings of hopelessness at not being able to do the right thing & with both our emotions uncontrollable it is becoming very difficult for us to cope.
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I have found I have lost all my confidence & subconsciously been cutting myself off from my friends. I have felt toxic & do not want to trouble them with my worries & risk bringing them down. With my artistic friends I am still trying to keep everything private but I feel so aware at any moment the whole situation could combust. This again is part of my nature.
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All I want is for my family & friends to be happy. At times my heart gets overloaded with this wish. With the best of intentions, I irrationally feel that it is some how my responsibility/fault if they are not happy.
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I initially could not cope with losing my friend & at least now recognising similar thought processes I am beginning to slowly recognise them & deal with them. Even now I am crying at the coldness of my once best friends reply to a recent email. All that matters to me is my parents health. I am determined not to cause them any more worry. This is all so unnecessary & for the first time I am feeling slight anger at allowing my reaction to my friends choice to end our special friendship over a complete misunderstanding, to hurt me & more importantly my family.
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My friend had become almost like family to me except she was not related. She has every right to chose who she is friends with, as we all do. I am beginning to cope with this loss, so there is some positive experience to be gained from this awful heart breaking situation. Things could be an awful lot worse, I could lose so much more.
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I faced another of life life's little challenges this morning when my fears manifested themselves into a real physical threat to my family when I was least expecting it.
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At 9 o’clock this morning I went for my regular morning walk with my Dad & our doggy along the river only to be confronted by some young hooligans. Two young men were sat with their girlfriends at a bench. One of them was showing off a bit to impress his girlfriend but we did not pay them any attention. Some distance from them there was a discarded bottle laying on its side. I decided to pick it up & simply put it in the waste bin a few yards away to keep the park tidy. As we walked on, the guy started hurling abuse & making threats. ”That woman has stolen my drink. I am going to go & take her silly hat”. Other more threatening abuse ensued but we just kept walking. He then grabbed another bottle & proceeded to throw it at the swans who were just passing by on the river. The haven that my community of dog walking friends so enjoyed was being ruined by these morons. We avoid the park in the evening as it is not really safe like so many places in the modern world. The hooligans have no respect for age or gender.
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I felt very afraid as I could not physically defend my elderly Dad or our dog against them. We warned our friends when we came across them to be careful. To their immense credit two of them both retired ex school teachers were not going to be bullied & walked confidently off towards them. They were so assertive. I really admired them. Fortunately the thugs paid them no attention. As Dad & I began to walk back towards them we could see they had stolen some flags from the near by golf course & the ringleader was wielding it violently in all directions. My Dad bless him was all for carrying on towards them but with my confidence so low & with my recent luck I feared something really awful might happen. I persuaded him to walk the other way to avoid them. As we reached the safety of the pay booth by the start of the golf course my Dad reported the hooliganism to the workman. He seemed loathed to take any action, probably knowing the police would be unable to respond & he may put his own life in danger. One of those treasured simple pleasures in life had now been spoiled, another victim of the modern world.
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I was just so grateful to get my Dad & the dog safely back to the car. My Dad who is now 84 years young was so brave he wanted to defend his daughter. He is my hero. My Dad is more of a man than that thug who was showing off in front of his girlfriend, will ever be. I wonder what his girlfriend thought of his behaviour towards an elderly man out walking with his daughter?
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I was trying to humbly protect my Dad in the only way I could. I wish I could have been more assertive like the two ladies who were retired school teachers. I felt so hopeless, so vulnerable. I wish I could have some of their attitude which must come from years of experience. The world has changed so much from the chivalrous society my Dad once new.
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My thoughts turn to the wonderfully courageous veteran solder Henry Allingham who served in the First World War who was sadly buried this week. He lived to the age of 113 years. He deserves our total respect & must never ever be forgotten. So much has changed in his lifetime. Attitudes are certainly different. Are we more tolerant now, is their less respect? Without brave souls like Henry we may never have got the chance to experience the freedoms we have now. What an amazing man with an incredible story to teach us. We owe him so much.
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http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/The-Life-and-Times-of-Henry-Allingham-Formerly-Britains-Oldest-Man-And-A-World-War-I-Veteran/Article/20070611269255?chooseNews=stories.
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I hope you all have a good weekend. Be happy & healthy.
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Lots of love
Debbie

A new dawn

2009-07-22T13:52:00.000-07:00

It is is time for a new dawn. I have invested so much of my emotions in only one aspect of my life recently. I did not realise quite how empty, & depressed I would feel when that area of my life suffered such a heart breaking set back.
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I have felt pain like never before. I have become fixated & in turn my unhealthy dependency , my deep seated fear of losing that special friendship, my neediness, may make me lose what I most want to hold on to. If I were to carry on like this I could lose so much more.

A new dawn is coming. I need to believe this. My intense emotions have exaggerated the peaks & troughs of the feelings I have been experiencing. I needed to find some stability. I have been blessed by my friends who have constantly been there for me. It has felt during my dark times that I had lost my Guardian Angel, the friend I hold so dear. I have had to keep my faith & the positive energy from my friends have kept me going through my darkness. They gave & continue to give so much even when they themselves have worries of their own & are often emotionally drained. I have not lost my guardian Angel, I still have my faith!
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There has been too much negativity & self pity from me for which I am truly sorry. The melancholy has got to stop. I have grown through this difficult time & finally beginning to heal. I feel very humble. I had spent too long looking inwards. This week I have been doing a lot of voluntary work to keep busy but also to give something back. The panic, the fear which rises up inside me is gradually diminishing. My neediness is decreasing. I still feel vulnerable & have struggled at times to hold back my tears but I can begin to look outward again. I feel blessed & want to hold onto that feeling for as long as I can.
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"Most sacred heart of Jesus I place all my trust in thee"

Bless you
(((((((((((((((((((((Peaceful thoughts)))))))))))))))))))))))
Love
Debbie

Lost in a Sea of Love

2009-07-20T06:22:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much for all of you who have been there for me. Time after time, your kind words have helped to keep my head above water. I am still very fragile but my tears have eased. Its not raining quite so heavily in my heart.

The thing that has saved me & means so much to me, is the love & kindness that has showered down on me from the lovely friends we have here. I have had so many emails, phone calls, offers to meet up or visit from our friends.

Closer to home. My Mum & Dad have been astounding. They are comforting me so much & are now concerned I could jeopardise the surgery they now know I need to have, the very surgery that was once their biggest nightmare. Our pet corgi, my real life teddy bear has not left my side. The staff at my GP's were also unbelievably kind on Friday when I had to pay them a visit.

How I wish I could keep this blog positive. Away from this blog I have to bottle all these feelings up as best I can from my community of artistic friends. The least said the sooner mended. Please forgive me if I pour my emotions out here, I do not mean to whinge or worry you. I have cried myself asleep & woke up crying for days. Gradually things have improved. I managed to sleep for a while & only woke up once in tears & my mind locked back on to all the raw emotions at 3 o'clock in the morning. I have now managed two nights without crying. What saved me & stopped this fit of the night time blues becoming another outright panic attack & wallow in self pity was , the love & positive energy willing me to get through this, that my dear friends here, have offered.

I am both blessed & also cursed by intense emotions. Our self perceived innocence, our needs & sadly their negative impact, can sometimes cause us to lose the very people we hold so dear.

I cannot let go or switch off the cries for help from my lost soul. I am desperately holding onto reality, the safety rail, by the raging sea of emotions I want to dive into, to save what remains of the precious all consuming friendship I once had. Sadly I can no longer write "have" & that is both painful but also the first stage of progress in my healing process.

Due to a complete misunderstanding my own actions no matter how well meant have caused me to burn down the very bridges I was trying to build. Try as I might it is still way too soon for me to ever let go. I am trying so hard not to make contact with her & give them some space, at a time when all I want to do is help them. I fear our friendship may already be damaged beyond repair & can never be the same. The wonderful friendship, with it the flotsam & jettison of the life we once shared, my emotional growth, my creativity have sunk beneath the waves & lay at the sea bed alongside the wreck that once was a ship we both shared. She helped navigate me through the hidden rocks & sandbars that threatened to sink my dreams. Now I have been cast adrift & know I need to focus on other things, not least the journey ahead but I feel so lost. I have to break free from my melancholy. I have to move on.

I long to look outwards again & not in. No longer with a mind full of dysphoria, I am saddened to find my mind now selfishly fixated on my need to repair my broken friendship. I am once again laden with self doubt which threatens the very foundations of my new life. I feel emotionally drained, so tired, but thanks to all the kindness I have received, never alone.
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Once again I am plunged back into a world where I continually ask myself "is it me or is it my T" that may be causing friends to distance themselves from me. Often it is down to paranoia & simply where people are busy with there own lives. I may be too intense, too high maintenance, not good, not good at all.

I have so much to be grateful for & need to keep my faith. I need to keep busy & appreciate the simple pleasures in life.

I will never ever stop caring about my best friend & her husband. They are a wonderful couple. I am just so sorry this misunderstanding ever happened & fear there may be other far more important things worrying them.

It is down to us to handle our own emotions. The tricky bit is in learning how to do that. How do you control your reaction to your emotions? It is just not in my nature. I have no social upbringing to fall back on. In the role I felt society expected of me I was not meant to show my emotions. Back then no one could see me. I felt like I was constantly forced to audition for a part I never wanted to play & even so never let anyone get close enough to the real me for rejection to hurt. Now like the oldest teenager in the world I am trying to deal with all kinds of new emotions. Would I go back to that life, would I stop taking my magical "mones" ? Not in a million years!

My self esteem & confidence are shattered. It is going to take a lot to rebuild them. I have followed my heart so much on this journey I know need to use my head a little just to get some reality/stability. My heart is still broken. If I can unintentionally hurt my best friend so much I must be doing something very very wrong & must be a very toxic friend. I am no Angel & far from perfect. I have felt so ugly inside & out. That you have all so kindly reached out once again to hold my hand in my hour of need is something I will never ever forget. You all touched my heart & you all give me hope.

Thank you. Bless you all

Big ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Love
Debbie

My heart is broken

2009-07-13T03:05:00.000-07:00

I have never ever felt pain like this in my life before. My health is deteriorating rapidly due to a heart breaking situation in my private life. My heart is broken.
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I have tried so hard to fight off my depression & ever increasing anxiety but I am struggling to hold back the tidal wave of emotions.
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It is so bloody complicated it is difficult for anyone to help me through this minefield. One false move & everything I hold dear could be gone. That's how it feels to me right now.
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My depression is overwhelming me even though I have increased my medication for the first time in two years. Something I had previously managed to avoid even during the angst I felt when the referral for funding my GRS was initially refused. My anxiety is out of control. My creativity sucked back into a very dark hole.
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I am very depressed but please do not worry I am not suicidal just very very sad. I am not sure where this will all end but I have far too much to live for. What ever happens I doubt very much if things will ever be the same as they once were.
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Just as I had come into the light, a time that should have been filled with so much joy & happiness is shrouded in sadness. This is nothing to do with dysphoria, it is all about life, love & friendship, my family & friends, all that really matters to me.
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A special friendship I hold so dear has been poisoned by a man who does not value his friends who sleeps easy in his bed, while I am left crying.
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Things are not always as they appear. There is so much I just cannot share here, some emotions are just too painful.
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For those dear friends who already know of my situation & have been so kind to me, I am so grateful for your comforting thoughts . I momentarily posted a blog entry titled "pain" when this tragic experience first hit me but almost immediately I tried to delete it as I realised it was wrong off me for reasons of privacy, yet some of you thanks to the marvel of certain modern technologies were able to hear the echo of my pain wrecked cry. I value each & everyone of my friends so much.
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"Most Sacred Heart of Jesus I place all my trust in thee"
Bless you
Love
Debbie

True friends

2009-07-04T14:23:00.000-07:00

I value each & every one of my friends. True friends are so precious. They are always there for you in your hour of need.

They catch you when you fear falling. They give you air to breath & start soaring.

Sometimes you get things wrong but the friendship stays strong even when they need some space.

Friends can see how you appear but it takes a true friend to know how you feel.

Some things are better left unsaid & silence can speak volumes.

Where ever you are in the world reach out & call up that friend, its good to talk.

Never let a problem fester be honest before its too late & spoils a relationship that is so very special.

May you have a very happy 4th July & may life be kind to you.

Peace & love

Debbie