Hanging in there!

Hi
Just trying out blogging again. Its been so long. I am just hoping this all still works.
Hugs & best wishes to my friends. I have really missed you all.
Love Debbie xx

FAST

Sorry  I have not been around for a while. My Dad had a mini stroke in May & is thankfully recovering well. He became very confused while out walking along the river with me & our dog. He could not speak properly & his words became all mixed up. We manged to get home where he became more confused & emotional. Remembering the stroke advert off the telly act FAST Face Arms Speech & Time, we quickly had a paramedic come within minutes followed by an ambulance. He was very poorly weak down one side but bless him he recovered well. We were so lucky. He had brilliant care in the stroke unit & although by far the oldest patient he was also the least affected by his stroke. He is still tired but his speach has come back & he is back out walking & kicking every ball on the radio listening to his favourite footy team.

I have missed catching up with some very dear friends. Please forgive me if you are reading this. I have only just manged to get back to my painting recently. They say artists sometime produce their best work when they are troubled. I am not sure if thats true. I produced a painting for our annual art exhibition which is on this weekend at a new venue. I hope if my parents are well enough, to take them there & perhaps meet up with a few friends I have not seen for a while. The paintings called Little Star & is of a very young snow leapord cub, surviving a really difficult time. Sometimes its all too easy to take some things for granted. Sometimes you just have to live for the moment, do things while you can as you never know whats round the corner.

Loved the courage & inspiration of all the atheletes in the Olympics.
Take care
Love

Debbie x

A sensory joumey

I have been on quite a journey since I last posted here. The images are of some sensory murals I was asked to paint which will be used to help children with visual & learning difficulties. The theme was to be space. The children will be able to interact with the murals. Some parts will be layered so they can touch them, feel the different shapes. The images were to be high contrast. As part of an induction day at the hospital where I work we were asked to take it in turns to guide a person with very restricted eye sight (a colleague we had never met before) & then to walk in the shoes of a person with visual difficulties by wearing a blind fold relying on a colleague to guide you. This heightened my senses like never before. The things we take for granted.

When it came to guiding you had to be careful to respect the other person’s needs & wishes. When I walked through the corridors, up & down stairs, unable to see, the trust you had to share with the other person was humbling. Ordinary places became so different. When it came to stepping out into the big wide world my senses went into overload. With all the sounds, the different feel to everything, with your touch, even through your feet. How you interact with people you cannot see & how they perceive you. How you cope with everyday things that seemed so potentially hazardous, bought tears to my eyes. We were given a talk by the lady who helps patients come to terms with their sight loss. How a person copes with being told they are going to lose there sight, for me the most precious of gifts I cannot begin to imagine.

Since my last post I have got the full use of my legs back. The B12 injections have helped a lot. I helped at the most wonderful Christmas party in one of the children’s ward. I witnessed the brilliant dance performance of the young girl I mentioned in my previous blog post, who had been so ill. I was privileged to hear the violin playing of a little lad who has had to spend far too many years of his young life in hospital. These youngsters deserve a far greater audience as they really have got talent. I also got to meet the young players of the football team my Dad encouraged me to support in a different life, when they visited the childrens wards & bought a smile to many faces.

I have managed to keep hold of my job so far this year. Accepting that I may always be susceptible to bouts of anxiety & depression is something I have come to terms with. Only now do I appreciate the longer I spent in denial, the longer & more lasting the effect on my long term health. No one can tell you what it feels like to need to go through life changing changes. Life is not always high contrast, sometimes its not always easy to see things clearly. Sometimes its about taking one day at a time. Appreciating what you have, rather than what you don't, something I have sometimes been guilty of. Ironically I do not like changes but even if I could go back, I have no regrets. My parent’s health has at times not been good but we still have each other & a lot to be grateful for. I have lost a few wonderful friends but made many knew ones. My new life has heralded many sensory joys, everyday brings a new challenge.

Take care
Love
Debbie x

Reaching out

I used to get very concerned when friends who were going through really difficult times stopped blogging for any length of time. This post is prompted by that anxiety & the realisation that my so infrequent posting may be causing worry to those of you who have so kindly visited my blog.

I am ok. I hope you are too? I feel as though I am running on empty at times just now but I have managed to keep going & have so much to be grateful for. Demands on my time prevent me gaining access to a computer for personal stuff but it does not stop me thinking about the lives of my friends. So often on line friends have been such an important life line & have made such a difference to my life when I needed help the most. Just now I also find it hard to sit at my home computer for any length of time because emotionally it can trigger some painful memories at a time I recognise I am vulnerable to depression. I even struggle to be able to check my emails, please forgive me. I even forgot to add a post to celebrate the second anniversary of my gender affirmation surgery (happy photo of the day, above) which dear Lucy reminded me about.

The course of six b12 injections I have been given are yet to show any positive effect. In fact after the first one I actually ended up in the accident and emergency department of the hospital I work in, such was the in balance in my blood cells at the time. I just need to give it more time be patient. The very good news is that I have not had any more attacks on my leg muscles since having the jabs. I can walk & even managed a very short run while out with our doggy recently. This week I have started taking some folic acid tablets as my doctors blood tests showed I was also quite deficient in that too.

My parents remain my priority. They have their good & bad days. Mums been poorly with suspected Diverticulitis & Dad became a bit breathless on our morning walk recently. I count our blessings every day we have together. The simple pleasures in life & taking one day at a time are our family mantra.

At work we are so short staffed. We all try to keep going but we seem to have a lot off work with family worries & health problems. Often we work through lunch, every task urgent. The world seems such a stressful place & this is a familiar story for so many. All our jobs are still at risk but the deadline when they will tell us if we still have a job has been shifted to February. We are lucky we still have a job. That said, there are more important things in life, than your work, without your health you have nothing.

Life is so precious & even on the greyest days can be so rewarding, so humbling.

During a day helping in the children's cancer ward I was so privileged to meet a young lady going through major cancer treatment. She appeared quite physically weak yet spiritually so incredibly strong.

She had been asked by her headmaster to write a speech about something she was passionate about. Then she was asked to read it out to an audience of all her school class mates. Her passion was dancing. She loved to dance, it meant so much to her but her aching body was preventing her partaking in something she cared so much about. She was so brave facing her problems. Her frame so frail; her beautiful head devoid of hair, its crowning glory & so important a part of any young woman's appearance. None of this phased her.

She told us she was a little concerned about public speaking, expressing her innermost feelings, even to an audience of friends. She has shown such courage we all knew she would be able to face that challenge. Her speech proved to be a stunning success. Her grasp of reality so true. Her words carried such meaning & should be an inspiration to so many.

She was encouraged to practice by reading her speech out to a small group of us in the hospital class room. There was not a dry eye left in the room. She spoke so eloquently. Her thoughts ranged from the prejudice some male dancers may face, to the need to live in the moment, never ever to take anything for granted. Her wisdom, her grasp of how important it is to live life; reached out & touched our hearts. I hope & pray with all my heart she can get well again soon & return to her dance!

Peace be with you
Love
Debbie

Keeping faith.

I am so sorry it has been so long since I have been able to keep in touch. I have had a number of episodes where I have been left unable to walk properly resulting in two emergency visits to hospital. I had nearly a month off work & on my return found the new job I had worked so hard to keep was at risk & I may be made redundant. All this paled into insignificance when earlier this month my Dad overdid things gardening on a hot day & collapsed while I was at work. I felt so guilty not being there for them. Our kind neighbour saved the day & helped rehydrate him. He thankfully made a recovery but with his 87th birthday soon his well being & confidence have really taken a blow.

So much seems to have happened to our friends lives since I was last here. I have been thinking about my friends a lot. I feel sorry I have neglected dear friends like Lucy. I was so pleased to discover two dear friends Jo & Lori have returned to share their lives with us once more. They have been special friends, sharing their good times & their bad. So kind & always caring

I feel humbled & take inspiration from how friends conduct themselves in adversity. The spirit they show. I always try to imagine how they may be feeling, what it may be like to walk in their shoes. The quote on lori’s blog “Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle..." seem so appropriate for my recent life experiences.

Back in July I had been really struggling with my health & becoming increasingly emotionally driven.

In my Mums words “It was as though the light that had been shining in my eyes had gone out”. I had put it all down to my vulnerability to depression & was determined not to let it beat me. I wanted to look after my family, keep my job, be there for my friends & not let anyone down. Sometimes I can be too self critical & not make allowances for how I was feeling or ask for help. I was increasingly worrying about my Dads declining health & the plight of so many of my friends.

In the space of three days I found my life turned upside down. I struggled to help at work & felt so fatigued I had to leave early. Over a weekend my legs felt heavier & heavier to the point I could no longer walk properly. On the point of collapse, using my dear Dads walking stick to support me, I got an emergency appointment to see a doctor. She discovered I had a temperature of 39. A temperature she had never seen before in an adult. I also had a severe infection which she felt must have been going on for some time. Her declaration she had never seen a patient looking so ill seemed to make me feel worse. She immediately referred me to the acute medical unit of the local hospital, the very same hospital I normally work in.

In emergency once again the NHS came to our families rescue & could not have been kinder or more helpful.

I recall arriving semi conscious falling out of a taxi with my dear Mum by my side. I found her seconding a wheelchair from reception to attempt to push me to ACU before I stopped her & a member of staff came to our aid. The doctors & Nurses truly where angels without wings. Reassuring both Mum & I, whose specialist subject would likely be “anxiety “ every step of the way. All kinds of tests followed, blood, water & xrays. They concluded because of the severity of the water infection & the duration it had been allowed to go on without showing any obvious symptoms it had found a weakness in my muscles which a course of antibiotics should cure. They appeared to do the trick but the side effects of the medication caused a level of pain in my ears that was the most physically painful of my life, until some cocodomyl kicked in.

My legs felt as though I had just run a marathon. I wanted to trying do too much too soon landed me a ticking off from the doctor who ordered me complete rest for a while. The sight of my dear parents having to do all the work looking after me at a time when they should be taking things easy was so disturbing at the time. On reflection they had found a strength inside them which gave them the desire to do things we had perhaps all lost faith that they could at their tender years attempt. To see them both renewed & empowered was a joy to behold.

Everyday I rested our doggy would wait patiently at the bottom of our stairs to see me. I was too weak to be able to walk him. The last time Dad had taken our doggy out on his own; he had fallen & badly bruised his face. This time Mum donned her warm clothes & water proofs to go with him regardless of the impact of the inclement weather on her much loved hairdo! Love found a way.

As the strength in my legs grew stronger I came for walks with them. Dad refused his stick insisting I use it until I felt much better. This proved very insightful as now our roles were some how reversed. There had been brief moments of anxiety at times when I was afraid I may be late for work when Dads frailty had caused him to struggle to walk. There he was walking more upright, more alive than he had been for such a long time.

When I first went into work to let them know how I was doing my Dad came with me to look after me in case I fell. I introduced him to everyone. It was a beautiful moving experience. To see the Dad who in the past turmoil of our lives pre transition had said he could never walk with me as his daughter, stand their by my side, with the colleagues who were all my friends, warmly putting him at ease, was magical. A day we had for different reasons never really had the faith could ever happen! We had now metaphorically both taken a walk in the other persons shoes.

A month later I managed to go back to work even though I could not walk very far at all. I struggled in only to find my collegues & I, like so many all over the world during the recession, being called to a meeting to be told all our jobs were at risk & we may be made redundant by Christmas. I felt so sorry for my long serving dedicated collegues. They have all made me feel so welcome & so supportive. Life is tough for everyone.

A month after I came back to work I went through a mildly stressful morning & felt the build up off feeling in my legs that signalled the return of another attack. Within 20 yards I collapsed & this time had the chance to travel in an ambulance back to hospital. I felt something of a fraud as I actually felt a lot better in myself than my last emergency visit to the acute medical department as I did not have a high temperature at all, just no control over my thigh muscles. The staff were all brilliant once again, but in spite of further tests could not establish a definite cause for my condition as no infection was present. I did at least recover a lot quicker. As my job was at risk I had asked permission from the consultant if I felt strong enough to return to work the following day to be allowed to go in. He agreed to this but explained should I have further episodes I would possibly need to referred to a neurology as an outpatient for further tests. I just wish I knew what caused it. For once a label would be nice.

Since then my Dad was sadly poorly but thankfully now on the mend. I had one more very mild brief attack until this week when I had to use a stick to walk for a couple of days. I had more blood tests done ironically in the childrens department, thanks to friends. They got the tests done really quickly for me. So quickly that when I finally got back home to see my post yesterday a day later I had a letter from my doctor asking me to come back to see her as something had shown up on the tests. Knowing that they have actually found something is reassuring but also the not knowing what is just a little scary.

Sorry for writing so much after being away for so long.
I am not sure when my legs will allow me to get to a computer again to access the www but I hope to catch up with you all soon
Love
Debbie x

The perfect storm

I have been unable to find the words to blog lately. With all the troubles in the world, the heartbreaking stories from far away places, I am in awe of the courage & spirit of those families in such peril.
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A number of my closest friends are going through major life changing challenges. Life threatening health conditions, losing the loves of their lives, their livelihoods & possibly their homes. They all had what appeared to be idealic lives. These friends are the very people who stood up & supported me on my journey. I care so much about them. The foundations of their lives, their safe havens have become such difficult places. We all seemed like one extended family. Our lives all linked by a common interest, a sense of belonging.
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They were there for me & I have tried to be there for them. The pace of all our lives seems to have grown so much quicker as have the speed of changes, this year. Nothing stays the same for ever. We do not seem to have the time like we used to, to meet up, share some happy times. As our lives once collided so now they seem to have drifted apart. How I miss that closeness we once shared. The chance to make new friends fills me with both excitement & anxiety. I question now as reality has replaced the heady atmosphere of a much reduced dysphoric world I now inhabit.
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When making new friends, when letting people get close am I always fated to have my past dragged up & used against me when it suits the other person. For ever a trump T card to throw into any relationship?
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Until events in the last 6 months I really had generally just been getting on with life. Now with my confidence in shreads there is a nagging doubt with every new social encounter, akin to a time delay on life. Life is for living. Enjoy the good times while you can.
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Alas I dared hope that my old friend depression would never feel a constant companion again but circumstances have recently conspired against me, an almost perfect storm. They do warn you that sometimes after the euphoria of transitioning, achieving all the changes you need to make to your life. you may experience a dip in mood.
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A time of reflection. I look now at just how much I once had that has now gone. The price I have had to pay to transition. At first life was incredible so natural so easy, so peaceful. Its only now as the perfect storm appears to have washed away what I held so dear, that the dark clouds have descended.
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My demons are the social isolation I have found myself sinking in to. My confidence eroded by the hurt I feel at events orchestrated by a man who ironically uses & abuses his friends at will. Like a virus he has infected & destroyed a number of very special friendships involving several different female friendships. My very nature is to wish all my friends could be happy together evn though I know that is not always possible. People change, not just people like me. I need to take responsibility for how I feel but its been so hard of late.
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I feel afraid to let anyone get close to me ever again. How do I re-find my trust in human nature, the strength inside me to overcome all the pain that I feel? . I look from the shore at the wreck we once all sailed in. A voyage of discovery we once all shared. Both a truly creative enlightening world & a world full of courageous like minded souls. Now it all seems gone our lives on different paths once more. The painting of Miranda The tempest by John William Waterhouse captures my feelings far more than my inadequate words.
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I feel guilty as though I am letting down my parents, my true friends & all the doctors, who have been there for me. I have so much to be grateful for. I hate posting negative feelings & removed this posting only to find I had worried some dear friends by the very nature of the title. My Mum had actually been so worried by my black mood that she feared I may do some harm to myself which I never will. I really do have too much to live for.
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I have been afraid to express how vulnerable I have been feeling in the last couple of months. I have had to take shelter, feelings of isolation, deliberately not wishing to burden friends who have so much to deal with. You are always in my thoughts.
Peace & hugs.
Love Debbie x

A moment in time

"Making your way in life takes everything you got", the opening line from the Cheers them tune hits the right note for me this year http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvRGh2NEjSU . I have been so busy living life this year I have sadly not been able to update my blog for a while.

Transitioning my working life from purely doing voluntary work; to some much appreciated financially paid employment as well has been challenging. With my devotion to my family it has been a very tricky time meeting every ones needs as well & adjusting our lifestyles. There is a sense of role reversal for my parents & I. About time they could enjoy their retirement & stop worrying about their daughter,...if only that were true. I have a better appreciation now of how difficult it must be for new Mums to have to leave their children to go to work or for those who have been away for along time looking to return to the workplace.

My dear friend Lucy has been such a kind compassionate friend to me & I was so pleased to meet up with her again this weekend. She has been through so much & has such a friendly sweet nature everyone who meets her falls under her charming ways. She is soon about to undergo a life affirming experience at the same Brighton hospital I went to for my GRS remarked, you look so alive. We had a lovely time together. She is so serene so calm & peaceful we both have complete faith this will be right for her.

For me what has been so magical about the changes I needed to make to my life is that I am able to be at peace with myself now, so alive. I interact with the living, no longer a ghost or trapped by an invisible barrier to entomb me in myself.

Life is so different for me now, I have to be careful to check in with my “new self” not the old if that makes sense. The old self Bob existed through so much turmoil but without a true sense of self, could never truly partake in life or find the energy to keep fighting against how things felt inside mind or soul. Pre-transitioning living/existing in perpetual anguish with zero self esteem, no confidence & a daunting future sacrificed for loved ones, crushed by external pressures real or imagined, took real courage & for those in similar situation my heart goes out to you.

Finally discovering I had the strength within to overcome some of the hurt that was holding me back & survive all the pain. To overcome my fears of what I may lose, discovering who actually owned some of the fears I had believed were mine, proved a turning point.

My new self Debbie with her sense of self so full filled has a far more rewarding life even though I may have swapped one lot of challenges for another. The potential physical pain of the major surgery grs and ffs was for me fortunately very minimal with regard to recovery from GRS. With FFS the challenge in the first ten hours post op the worst physical pain of my life but for me that was easy compared with the mental trauma of trying to live with a dysphoric screaming voice inside me that cried out ever stronger with each day to push me to a very dark place. For me there was no mental anguish with either surgery, more a mixture of tranquility & euphoria. Transitioning really did feel like going from a dark monochrome place to a life full of colour. Every time I faced my fears I found my sense of self, my faith in myself & my religion grow ever stronger.

No ones way regarding dealing with dysphoria is right or wrong it has to be what is right & possible for them. Transitioning did not take away magically all my problems. I knew it never would. I have many more good days than bad now. To be able to stop looking inward all the time, second guessing, thinking what if, I now know my truth. GRS was not an end of my journey, nor a badge of honour, just a very important pivotal procedure, a moment in time, a leap of faith, I had complete faith in!

I still fall easily, I may always be vulnerable to certain health issues particularly anxiety but to be able to see more clearly outward, to be able to bounce back after experiencing so much change/turmoil to survive & be able to appreciate the simple things in life, is both a heaven sent gift & a joy.

I am not schizophrenic, two people in one body. I cannot deny my past but I have no wish to live there either, I never truly authentically lived back in my past. The photo above captures a magical moment in time when two Tigeeeeers broke their self imposed boundaries; sadly they are still trapped in captivity by societies will. Safe, well looked after, hopefully they will help their kind to be more understood, appreciated, an advert for their kind’s conservation but sadly not able to live their lives as nature truly intended. In our life times the only tigers left may be captive ones as they are so vulnerable to human kind. I could have waited a very long time to capture such a moment on film but when I least expected it, nature was kind to me.

I have been so busy so far this year I have struggled even to find a moment to keep in touch with some of my friends, especially those not logistically close to home. When a far away friends blog goes quiet for too long unless you know they are really busy you do begin to worry something may be wrong. One dear friends had even begun to become concerned for me & phoned to see how I was. Julia a very intuitive friend sensed there may be something wrong. I had not been able to get near my computer for a while & not been home when she had phoned. By chance she caught up with me & her call was really appreciated.

Below is part of an email to my inspirational volunteer manager at the hospital where I began my new working life. She was the only person who I felt needed to know all of my past as I began my attempt to return to the workplace with my new more appropriate role in life. I had to give up my previous career of nearly thirty years due to ill heath & my job no longer existing back in 2005 & it’s been a long journey back. The email covers my experiences over the last ten days or so but also a bit about how I feel now, my reflections writing this blog post, with my new life & how grateful I am for our NHS.

Dear ##


Last Tuesday I came home from work with a piercing headache & felt sick. I just could not settle & before I could react I experienced the worst panic attack of my life. http://http//www.nhs.uk/Livewell/phobias/Pages/Panicattacks.aspx My Mum phoned for a paramedic who arrived so quickly & was so helpful. He talked me down, slowly & calmly. My legs were numb but gradually he got me to focus on my surroundings and regain control of my breathing. I spent most of last Wednesday recovering in bed. I took your advice & let the ## department I work in, know I was unwell & not able to come in for a bit of "as & when" volunteering doing admin computer training that day. They were very understanding & so supportive. They really make me feel part of their team which means so much to me.

From a previously very masculine dominated blokey bloke workplace and perceived role, I felt so much more at peace in the skin I was now in, the workplace & the way I was perceived now. I appreciate any job can be done by any gender but there are old fashioned views held in some quarters. Recent views expressed by the cavemen Andy Gray & Richard Keys spring to mind. The pressure heaped on their Innocent victim unintentional or not was thoughtless & so cruel. There is a fine line between banter and bullying of which both genders can be guilty but I digress.

I have not had a panic attack for at least three years and never expected the panic attack, particularly as I had such a good day working in the ## Ward and did not feel at all anxious. The previous week in the ward I worked on until nearly 6 o’clock as I had to take time out to run over to various departments trying to arrange my transition from purely voluntary work to being paid for some hours & wanted to finish some artwork for a display they needed a.s.a.p.

In retrospect the panic attack was more my old body physically warning me to slow down & perhaps also due to a virus that seems prevalent in the department I had been working in. On the same day I had to rest in bed I also received some great help from the doctor who is giving me cognitive therapy. She gave me some additional coping techniques to keep me going but warned me to take things steady & make allowances for how I was feeling. Prepare some plans to help manage my day correctly for all concerned. Only I could judge if it was more appropriate I stayed away or went in. What would be better for my well being? I did not want to fail or let anyone down. The only way to regain my confidence I felt was to at least try to go to work, something my old self had previously understandably been unable to do.

Thursday I went into work & took things steady in the morning but was able to support the team. In the afternoon I managed to get my brain in gear & completed two sections of online training which involved me working on a little, but it really boosted my fragile confidence as I am feeling so vulnerable. My thinking was "The sooner I get my training done the sooner I could be productive again & support the team properly". It is always easier to give advice to others about taking on too much but we sometimes fail to listen to our own advice. I should definitely have listened to the advice my parents & the medical staff had given me.

Friday I came in to work again but had to rush home for my first ever mammogram. Again the patient care & respect was second to none. I rushed back in the afternoon and completed an almost four hour online training session which made me late getting home. It was one of those online tests that unless you finished it completely you would lose all the hours work you had spent & would need to do it all over again. I phoned my parents to warn them I would be a little late & check they were ok.

My dear Dad trying to help took our doggy for a walk as I was running late & tragically fell over, damaged his knee & cut his nose badly which really shock him up & Mum as he looked so terrible. I felt so guilty at me not being there for him and putting my work before my family. This was my biggest fear when I tried to return to the workplace. Finding the right balance between returning to work & my responsibilities as a carer to my parents; who bless them also on occasion still have to care for me, is not easy & a source of anxiety & worry for us all.

When I got in my Dad looked terrible. I had to take my Dad to the local Health Centre which is being threatened with closure due to the cuts. Again the care was wonderful. They were so busy; the waiting room was full up but they never stopped caring for my Dad or showing any signs of the pressure they were working under.

In retrospect again my volunteer manager having read my email to her,wisely advised don't do guilt, it is a waste of emotion! Your dad chose to take the dog out - it gave him exercise and made him feel independent and helpful, ok he fell, so could you have done! Could you imagine coming in with a black eye or bumps and bruises???????

Dad like me struggled for a few days but he came out for a gentle walk today. I am doing art work for ## department & the ## ward at home today, the most rewarding job I have ever had. Every grey cloud has a silver lining. I cannot thank the staff in the NHS enough. All of you!

The care my family & I have received from the NHS particularly when we have been in crisis; as we have this last week and many times before, has been absolutely magnificent.

PS Please forgive me for the above rather long email; it is all about my gratitude for "our NHS" & keeping you up to date with my health/volunteering/work situation.

I will write you that email I promised highlighting the benefits of volunteering. Less is perhaps more. The BBC recently ran a story about "mindfulness" & the quote below beautifully sums up so much of how I feel regarding volunteering.

Doing things to help others is not only good for those we help it has a very positive effect on our well being too. When people experience kindness they also feel kinder too so kindness really can become infectious.

Thank you with all my heART.

I never thought for one moment or dared dream one day my life could be full filled like it is now.

A month without bloging is too long.

Kindest regards
Debbie xx