I have been unable to find the words to blog lately. With all the troubles in the world, the heartbreaking stories from far away places, I am in awe of the courage & spirit of those families in such peril..
A number of my closest friends are going through major life changing challenges. Life threatening health conditions, losing the loves of their lives, their livelihoods & possibly their homes. They all had what appeared to be idealic lives. These friends are the very people who stood up & supported me on my journey. I care so much about them. The foundations of their lives, their safe havens have become such difficult places. We all seemed like one extended family. Our lives all linked by a common interest, a sense of belonging.
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They were there for me & I have tried to be there for them. The pace of all our lives seems to have grown so much quicker as have the speed of changes, this year. Nothing stays the same for ever. We do not seem to have the time like we used to, to meet up, share some happy times. As our lives once collided so now they seem to have drifted apart. How I miss that closeness we once shared. The chance to make new friends fills me with both excitement & anxiety. I question now as reality has replaced the heady atmosphere of a much reduced dysphoric world I now inhabit.
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When making new friends, when letting people get close am I always fated to have my past dragged up & used against me when it suits the other person. For ever a trump T card to throw into any relationship?
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Until events in the last 6 months I really had generally just been getting on with life. Now with my confidence in shreads there is a nagging doubt with every new social encounter, akin to a time delay on life. Life is for living. Enjoy the good times while you can.
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Alas I dared hope that my old friend depression would never feel a constant companion again but circumstances have recently conspired against me, an almost perfect storm. They do warn you that sometimes after the euphoria of transitioning, achieving all the changes you need to make to your life. you may experience a dip in mood.
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A time of reflection. I look now at just how much I once had that has now gone. The price I have had to pay to transition. At first life was incredible so natural so easy, so peaceful. Its only now as the perfect storm appears to have washed away what I held so dear, that the dark clouds have descended.
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My demons are the social isolation I have found myself sinking in to. My confidence eroded by the hurt I feel at events orchestrated by a man who ironically uses & abuses his friends at will. Like a virus he has infected & destroyed a number of very special friendships involving several different female friendships. My very nature is to wish all my friends could be happy together evn though I know that is not always possible. People change, not just people like me. I need to take responsibility for how I feel but its been so hard of late.
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I feel afraid to let anyone get close to me ever again. How do I re-find my trust in human nature, the strength inside me to overcome all the pain that I feel? . I look from the shore at the wreck we once all sailed in. A voyage of discovery we once all shared. Both a truly creative enlightening world & a world full of courageous like minded souls. Now it all seems gone our lives on different paths once more. The painting of Miranda The tempest by John William Waterhouse captures my feelings far more than my inadequate words.
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I feel guilty as though I am letting down my parents, my true friends & all the doctors, who have been there for me. I have so much to be grateful for. I hate posting negative feelings & removed this posting only to find I had worried some dear friends by the very nature of the title. My Mum had actually been so worried by my black mood that she feared I may do some harm to myself which I never will. I really do have too much to live for.
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I have been afraid to express how vulnerable I have been feeling in the last couple of months. I have had to take shelter, feelings of isolation, deliberately not wishing to burden friends who have so much to deal with. You are always in my thoughts.
Peace & hugs.
Love Debbie x
