Dark Night New Day

OMG I feel so humble & grateful to receive all your kindness. I have been overwhelmed by the phone calls, pms & messages of support. I have to catch up with my duties as a carer today but I will get round to thanking you personally when I can. It was kind of ironic on the actual anniversary of my facial surgery to receive this devastating news about the funding for my GRS. I am usually compassionate & passive by nature but dam it I am not going to let my PCT #### me, not until they have given me the right surgery!

I had been expecting bad news. Yesterday I was all cried out. Completely shattered. I could feel the darkness engulfing me & the accumulation of sleep deprivation was making everything seem worse. I have been through too much to give up now. I used to be very susceptible to depression & have what I thought was a very low threshold to stress. I was scared, I was afraid my demons would come back. At times last night I could not tell if I was awake or asleep. It felt like I was counting each minute & I was still awake, at 3.27 I was cold & fearful. I had some nightmarish dream like thoughts last night but the ending was so different.
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"My Lucid dream, A Bridge Tooooooo Far?"
(No alcohol, no drugs, just a mad woman alone with her spirit!)

At 3.27 I was aware of walking on a path on the Itchen Bridge which is in the city I live in & carries commuter traffic over the river Itchen. I was heading towards the middle section & it felt like I was being drawn their by an invisible force. At first that force felt dangerous & threatening.

I was reminded of the demons that once possessed me. I recalled the two nights I had suicidal thoughts a few years ago. I felt so vulnerable so weak & yet something felt different this time. I have too much to live for. I was not suicidal at all, just scared. I remember the shy isolated traumatised girl who had been saved by Angels. That person was me back in Nov 2006 & April 2007 when I came perilously close to the edge. I thought of my beloved Auntie, my Mum's dear sister who had tragically committed suicide when I was a teenager. She was so brave, she had a reason. I saw the pain again & again of my dear Mums anguish. I found myself motionless starring at the Samaritans notice adorning the safety barrier on the centre section of the bridge. I felt the pain & heard the screams of those lonely lost souls who had jumped from this bridge. I could feel my body, I was there but I could not see. This experience felt so real to me. I was shrouded for a moment in complete darkness.
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The menace was then gone to be replaced by a positive life force. I felt warmth. I felt my spirit rising once more. My ripped out heart had healed & started beating again. I no longer felt toxic. My body & soul were healing. I felt a strength, an energy within me begin to grow & grow. I could see again, I could appreciate how far I had come. Crazy random thoughts rattled round my tiny mind. I thought of the first time I came out to my parents. I thought of the magical day in Dec 2007 that I went Christmas shopping with my Mum & danced with joy wearing a woman's coat she kindly bought for me as the first ever present for her daughter. I thought of how precious life is. How important love & friendship is. I thought of the most frightening time of my life as I lay in hospital for the first twelve hours in the recovery room after my facial surgery. Minute by minute gulping for air far away from my family in Belgium. I thought of all the wonderful friends I am so blessed with. I thought of the shy teenage girl who blossomed socially for the first time in her life at the ripe old age of 49 at a packed first night open evening of our art society annual exhibition. I thought of how hard I had tried to do the right things for my family & listen to all the kind help I received. I keep telling myself I am the same person but mentally & to a lesser extent physically I am in such a totally different state. I felt so alive. I could taste the cool air. I could breath, I could touch, I could feel like never before.
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I thought of the friends who were less fortunate, those with incurable conditions, those who had loved & lost or not been blessed with the acceptance I had been so lucky to receive. I could hear their kind supportive voices. I thought of my dear friends inspirational fighting spirit in times of such great adversity. I could feel the tears welling up but they were happy, humble grateful tears.
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Then in this dream scape of a place, somewhere perhaps between heaven & hell, I seemed to float up & leave the darkly swathed shadowy body I had been in & could see myself looking up tear stained with a bright smile on my face. I could see Debbie bathed in the moonlight, the air was no longer cold it was warm. Reminiscent of the haunting painting which I painted in 1996 at the beginning of my journey which I had posted devoid of colour yesterday, I could truly sense Bob had finally completely & willingly disappeared below the waves lapping at the bridge supports. The next thing I knew I was back in my bedroom & it was 3.46.
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Had I still been in the same fragile mental state I had been in when I was living a lie, feeling isolated & desperate, like I had been before I found I had Angels for friends, I may not have coped. By 3.49 the panic attack like feelings were replaced by a calmness of thought.
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My spirit is so different now. My Mum & Dad are standing by their daughter 110% & want to fight this & help me in any way they can. Having their support is beyond materialistic value & absolutely priceless to me.
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I have a life to live for. I have the love & support of my family & friends. I have the self belief & determination to fight back. Out of adversity, has come something good & life affirming. If ever I or the PCT need further proof transition is right for me, how I feel today confirms this girl is now a woman who is a whole lot tougher than she ever thought she was. I need to recharge my batteries but unlike how I felt as Bob I will fight for my rights. I owe it too myself, my beloved parents, my dear friends & the doctors/medical people who have supported me, to fight the bean counting cold hearted people responsible for this cruel decision by my PCT. I am determined not to make my family suffer any more, I am not going to make myself ill. I will get my deformity corrected one day. GRS is very important to me but is only part of my journey not an end. On my darkest day since I transitioned I still have hope in my heart. I will never give up on my dreams. It was a dark night but a new day is dawning.
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Thank you so much for all your love & support.
Best Wishes
Love Debbie

Totally devasted

I have just received the nightmare news I have been dreading. The Primary Care Trust Commissioning meeting decided they are not prepared to fund my gender reassignment procedure.

Right now I feel like my heart has been riped out.

My depression is back with a vengance & I cannot stop crying but please do not worry I am not suicidal, just completely heartbroken.

I need to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

As a fellow Leo how I envy this sleeping lioness & yet........

Just now the echo of all kind of feelings & memories, accumulated during what seems like an absent minded time travellers journey through my life experiences, are roaring inside my head.

My brain feels like like an emotional sponge on overload.

There must be a design fault in these older models. It will just not switch off & my thoughts are resonating around my empty mixed up head 24/7.

This Lioness was living in a nature reserve as part of a captive breading programme in Zimbabwe & the photo was taken in 2005. I wonder if she is still alive & able to live there? How much has her life changed, has she ever truly lived in the wild, does she ever dream of going back to 2005?

I have come too far & have no intention of going back even though I feel incredibly vulnerable. That man mask I felt forced to wear nearly suffocated me. I need to look forward & stay focused.

I am running low on energy & with each tear that passes, minute by minute, I feel I am in grave danger of becoming a toxic friend. This tigeeer has temporarily lost her bounce back ability & with sleep deprivation is not a happy cat.

I read an excellent post recently in a blog by Samantha "green eyed girl" about anxietyhttp://greeneyedggirl.com/category/anxiety/ , something which I am always battling with. I care so much about my family & friends, but really struggle with knowing when I have to step back. This is my dilemma, my fault & is not a reflection or criticism of the people I care about. I am not sure I will ever be able to modify my caring nature but sometimes I realise it is perhaps unhealthy for all concerned. I will not let my anxiety own me. I am certainly not going to let my depression return. I refuse to wallow in self pity any more. Less thought, more action. Perhaps less blogging. I need to make serious changes to keep improving my life.

How I wish I could finally sleep tonight!

Perspective

I have been struggling to get a good nights sleep recently. I had yet another sleepless night last night, as I had just too much on my tiny mind. This is perfectly illustrated by my continued inability to concentrate properly & also get back to my painting. Like so many people in these troubled times, my life seems out of control, my future uncertain, on hold, in void, simply not able to just get on with an ordinary life. I want to get back to work. I would like to financially be able to contribute more towards supporting my family. My love & support how ever well meaning simply cannot pay all their bills. Financial & employment worries, coupled with my deep love & need to care for my parents, which in truth is blurred very badly by my enmeshment issues, are creating quite a difficult challenge. I am so lucky to have the life I have now & this will I hope just be a temporary blip. I need to stay strong at a time when I feel so vulnerable.

I have also been battling my anxiety over my rather obsessive ever increasing need for gender re-alignment surgery. An NHS commissioning panel meet on Wednesday 8th January to discus funding my surgery after they had received a referral for me to be considered for funding via an extra contractual referral. I have been becoming very nervous as to the outcome. I had started to feel the self pity rising up in me, an all to familiar feeling from my not too distant past. My finances, my funding, my transition, my life were all out of my control as were my feelings for a few days. At one point I likened the panel to that of a court judge who could sentence me to a further 6 months, a year, two years or more, in a state of limbo between the genders but that was just me being over emotional. I still have no answer at the time of writing this but life goes on & I cling to the hope that no news is good news.

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Just before Christmas I was told I had failed to get a part time job I had applied for at a local tourist attraction. I have worked there for many years as a volunteer. The job was filled internally by a job share, as so many jobs often are these days. The HR manager was very kind to me & took a lot of trouble to tell me the news in person. This had been my first job application in nearly 32 years. After being employed by just one company for the previous 29 years, this was all a new experience for me & was another landmark on my journey. My first ever job application as Debbie. I was sad but not surprised I did not get the job. I am under no illusion how difficult it is going to be to get back to some kind of paid employment. At one time my career background may have discounted me from applying for certain jobs as I may have appeared over qualified or the salary too low. Times have changed, so have I , so has the world. I asked her if she could spare me a few minutes of her valuable time to give me any advise or feedback on my application so I could learn from the experience. This led me to another first. My first ever real job interview as Debbie. She kindly gave me an hour of her time. To my complete surprise she was so impressed by my enthusiasm & polite positive attitude she said she may be able to offer me a part time role as a receptionist later this year & will keep my details on record for any other suitable position should they occur. Me with all my insecurities particularly about my voice on the telephone & she considered me a possible suitable choice at such a busy tourist attraction. Out of something that appeared a setback something really positive had happened.

I had lost all perspective for a while. I am lucky. I have just had the best year of my life. I have a future to look forward to. The matter of actually paying my way in life again is going to be a tough challenge but I am alive. I have choices. I have so much to be grateful for.

A number of my dear friends have not been so lucky recently. I have one friend who used to work as receptionist & secretary for the same company I had worked for, who has just been told her cancer is inoperable. She may not have very long to live. She is such a sweet gentle person. Another dear friend has found out she has a disc problem in the base of her neck which could render her permanently powerlised. She has had serious back problems for over ten years & often struggles to walk. She used to be a brilliant athletic swimmer. Now she is possibly only one sneeze away from life in a wheel chair. I met her at an art workshop this Sunday where we were were both helping out. She was walking the best I have seen her for a long time but in so much pain with her neck. In typical fashion she still went round every classroom to meet & greet everyone. The operation needs to be done urgently & carries great risk, yet the poor love has to wait until at least the end of February. One of our dog walking friends, who has MS who walks along the path by the river each day come rain or shine with her dog has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is having an operation today. My thoughts & prayers are with her. She used to be a school teacher until she had to retire early because her MS became so debilitating she was afraid she may collapse on top of a pupil. She is one aamazing lady. She has a wonderful outlook on life & never ever complains. She is always smiling. She is an Angel, a truly remarkable person. WHY do these terrible conditions have to happen to such kind people? Everything happens for a reason, but why God, why?

My brave friends have a truly inspirational attitude to life, the most incredible life spirit. I feel so very humble & their tragic stories certainly put my worries in to perspective.

Dreams can come true

Life is so precious. The greatest gift of all is life itself but for me the gift of acceptance, which is signified by me receiving this beautiful Christmas Card has made all my dreams come true.

My relationship with my loved ones means the world to me.

Occasionally our needs have exceeded that love & with the best of intentions we have all got things terribly wrong. Our relationship is not perfect. Sometimes it can be unhealthy, we can be too close & over protective. Our true & deep love can occasionally be misguided.

Finding the right balance is sometimes so hard to do.

Our love is really special & to be cherished.

This year has been the most spiritually uplifting year of my life.

I found myself needing to make huge changes to my life which put our immense love at tremendous heart breaking risk. I continually questioned myself is it worth it, for what is actually in the end a huge leap of faith.

I have been so lucky to be rewarded in so may ways. I feel blessed. There is a reason for everything. God moves in mysterious ways.

Never give up on your dreams!

Never let anyone steal them!

Just live your dreams, the rewards can be amazing.

May 2009 be everything you wish for.

Lots of love

Debbie

Letting go

Christmas thoughts by a humble work in progress:-

Christmas can mean many things to many people. For some its great joy for some its heartbreaking. For me, I count my blessings. I have had the most amazing year of spiritual & personal growth, in my entire life. I appreciate each & every one of my friends. This year has been a really big challenge. All of my friendships are going through a process of realignment. Like me a work in progress. Maintaining all those friendships is something of a juggling act perhaps more like plate spinning at the circus at times. Along the way some friendships have crashed & broken, others are just hanging on. I am trying with all my heart to repair those fractured friendships. I just cannot bare to let them go. I have a deep ingrown fear of losing people I care about. Thankfully most are all still intact. It takes two to make a friendship. I feel along the way I have neglected some dear friends this year. I have certainly screwed up more than once this year. They have all made such a difference to my life. I want to reach out to all of them especially those who may be going through difficult times at this season of great emotion. There seem to be so many memories of those we have loved & lost that seem to flood through me, more & more, as each year progresses & our own mortality becomes more apparent. Crazily these feelings are colliding head on with the almost puberty/teenage stage I am experiencing at break neck speed as I transition into my new life. I feel so fortunate to still have my beloved little family & will treasure every moment especially over Christmas.

I have been inspired by so many truly brilliant gifted creative intelligent kind people this year, who have kindly given & shared so much of their lives. I have learned so much about the human spirit & inner strength. I appreciate the simple things in life so much more. I love to read about my friends successes. I share many a tear at their difficult times. Cyber hugs make a big difference when we feel so alone & isolated but as humans there are so many occasions when we need some one actually physically alongside us.

A Christmas success story with a very spiritual ending:-

I so enjoyed reading a post about the Christmas office party a dear friend of mine attended recently. I could imagine her there, just one of the girls having fun. I was selfishly just a little envious, as of all the challenges I have faced I had previously failed to be true to myself when I lost my job. I had on the very same day, she had posted her story, failed to attend my now ex companies, Christmas lunch, in the town I used to work in. I had been invited by my old colleagues who ironically have been very supportive now they know about me. It was just the cruel memories of what I went through there, that I just could not face. I wanted to chase those demons away, & find closure on this part of my life. In this case I think I really needed to let go of the past & think of the future. If this is all I have to worry about I have been very lucky.

I am so pleased for my friend. She always tried to do the right thing for her family, & for all concerned. She put so much effort into planning & preparing for her transition but that is by no means always a guarantee of success. Acceptance is perhaps a gift from another person. Above all else you have to accept yourself, & be true to your soul. It is a very painful lesson but we also have to accept we cannot be responsible for other peoples feelings. I continue to blame myself even now for hurting my beloved elderly parents. How you begin to deal with a wife & children is something far more difficult to contemplate. Missguided love with the best of intentions can hurt any or all of the family. A parents love ideally should be unconditional & for ever. It is certainly something that should never be let go. Life is sadly not always this idealistic. My friend also managed to keep her successful career as well. Miracles can happen, out of great advesity. My thoughts & prayers are that those less fortunate can receive the greatest gift of all for their Christmas.

I wrote the passage directly above regarding my thoughts & prayers only to read the blog of another dear friend http://brilliantgirlgenius.blogspot.com/ I had been thinking about on Sunday evening & my prayers were answered. To think only a few years ago at one dark point on my journey I had let go of my religion & questioned in one of my self pity moods "why Lord do you make people like me, what is the point of all this?" Her "giving thanks" post captures so beautifully what God is all about. If a persons success is measured by what they have had to give up to achieve it, my brilliantly gifted friend who has a heart full of love has a great future to look forward to.

A Christmas wish:-

I wish I had a magic cure, an answer to ease the pain that so many may be going through at this time of the year, what ever the source of their anguish. For many we eventually know there is only one person here on earth who can do that. May all their prayers be answered. My heart goes out to all those who are suffering. May true Angels be looking after you. I may well have ended up swapping one set of problems for another but for me so far it is so worth it. Time will tell if I am right. Some pathways in life are after all a huge leap of faith. At this time of the year our emotions get pulled in all directions. It is such a busy, busy time we can sometimes forget some of our friends. Everyone see's how you seem but it takes very special friends to know how you feel.

A very Crunchy Christmas:-

The credit crunch is effecting so many families this year. The true meaning of Christmas perhaps seems to have been lost. May be some good will come out of adversity. It would be so easy for me to blame everything on my gender issues but that would be foolish. I still have many of the issues I had before. I am still the same person but I feel so much more comfortable with my sense of self. I feel able & sure I am giving my honest best to everything I do. I am not devoting so much energy on all my insecurities. The weight has lifted. My depression is in remission. My anxiety is still a disability which can cause me to get things wrong, even with the best of intentions. I am back to this crunchy existence called life that everyone seems to be experiencing. I am no different to any one else. No better no worse. Just as it should be in an ideal world.

Trying to live your life for all those that depend on you what ever your situation causes unimaginable stress & strain. It is no surprise we can end up feeling tired. "Dam it, my sisters! Men have it easier. We have to multi-task at Christmas & when we do things we normally do them with a lot more thought & feeling. OMG I sound like my Mum! That does not mean we always get things right, certainly not in my case & besides who am I to say what a man feels?" I write all this in slight jest but...... That's for me the crux of so much angst that people assume too much, often based on a gender specific stereo type. It can be done in fun but for some of us there is not much to laugh about.

A sacrifice well worth paying for Christmas day with all my family:-

For people who are suffering from extreme gender dysphoria & assumed to be a gender different to that which there heart & brain tells them, living dual role can be so difficult. I found the more I lived the life that felt right for me, the harder it became to continue having to disguise myself as a man. I worried that I may perhaps crack under the pressure, things may come out wrong & once said can never be unsaid. I have to drag up as a man one last time, just for two hours on Christmas day afternoon so that our small family can be together, when we visit our relations. I have been living full time in my true female gender role since January. All of my family know about Debbie except one. We have a dear Auntie, my Dads sister, who is suffering from dementure & it would only confuse the poor love & make her worse. I am dreading those few hours like never before. She with her illness unknowingly may become abusive & I will turn the other cheek. I never ever want to hurt my loved ones. It's a small price I am more than happy to pay for family unity & my dear Auntie. There came a point when I could no longer sacrifice my life for my family but I still want to try to do the right thing for them. There are all kinds of different paths. No one is right or wrong. No ones T is bigger or smaller than anyone else's t. There are often stupid labels wars within the trans community which is why I have such great respect & high regard for all of my friends who recognise this so well.

We all have different lives but possibly share a similar dysphoric often very emotional heart. Everything happens for a reason although sometimes its very hard to see why. I am going to thank God for all the wonderful things that have happened in my life, especially my new life. That very much includes having the friends I have made here. I am going to concentrate on what I am blessed with & not what I have lost or indeed never had. I say this on a day when my GD is under control & life is being kind to me. Life's not always that kind but I hope & pray it will be for those who are struggling with their emotions, one day very soon, where ever their life takes them.

My news in brief. (Well it started off that way, honestly).

I am so happy, like never before. I am just me, with that thankfully now ever decreasing but ever present white rabbit (my GD) still occasionally perched on my shoulder to remind me of life's cruel trick.

I had a set back regarding funding for my realignment surgery a week ago. I can no longer fund all my own medical needs. I may be poor but I feel like a millionaire compared with the days when I actually had much more money, as strange as that may seem. Hopefully the funding will eventually get sorted. I have waited nearly 6 months for a response to my request to be considered for funding from the NHS for my gender realignment surgery. I knew that asking to be considered for an extra contractual referral (ECR) with Mr Thomas at Brighton was never going to go down well with my PCT. I was beginning to fear I had been deliberately lost in the system. They wanted to know why I do not wish to go to Charring Cross Gender specialist unit. ChX used to have a very bad reputation as gate keepers rather than care providers but they are not like that now. I have nothing against the excellent service they provide now other than the time it may take to go through the whole process. My reasons which would probably cause a flame war on the forum I am a member of. My reasons were:-
1. CONTINUITY OF CARE, basically 12 years of specialist gender care & treatment under Dr Read & Dr Curtis together with my GP & ongoing counselling. My real life experience.
2. READINESS FOR SURGERY, my qualification to Mr Thomas requirements in February next year so that he would be willing to operate on me there after subject to funding.
3. My legal rights of PATIENT CHOICE to chose the consultant/surgeon I would like.
4. Financial Implications to my PCT. I am only asking for the cost of surgery. If I were to be referred to Charring Cross the costs would be considerably higher as they would involve payment for psychiatric assessments and evaluation that I have already undergone as well as the costing for surgery. It will all take time & there is only a limited budget & many more urgent life threatening cases which are rightly prioritised but I will get there. I am not taking this for granted. If I have to even in a housing slump I will try to raise the funds myself by selling my home if I am forced to wait too long, which would only make me ill again.

Work wise. I have done some volunteer admin work at my local tourist attraction & applied for a job there. I do not expect to get it but I may get some more much needed work experience there. I have attended my first interview in thirty years & my first ever as Debbie. It was only a mock situation but it felt real to me & was of great benefit for possible future real ones. I am so grateful for all the help I am getting. I am also going to apply to work in admin at the local hospital. I may end up stacking shelves. I do not mind at first. I just want to earn some money to pay the bills & pay my way in life again. I miss the buzz of working life but not the hassle. It will be so good for my well being if I can achieve that next year & find an employer willing to give me a chance.

I have been to four wonderful Christmas parties this month. I used to loath parties. I felt so self conscious dressed in men's clothes in that other life I used to exist in. Magically I am still the same person, still quite shy but the sense of self is so heavenly different. The gender stuff just seems to have melted away & I am accepted as a female, just little me, being true to my heart .

I went for some more voice therapy in London last week. The therapist was as lovely as ever. I still have great problems with my voice, I need to practice so much more. In truth I would still like to have the operation to permanently increase my pitch, that she recommended. Like & need are two very different things. I am not going to risk my possible funding for GRS by confusing the issue by asking for more. Sorry I digress. After the voice therapy I met my counsellor. I had bought a bottle of wine as a Christmas present for her to say thank you for the most amazing year of my life. I had not really intended to have a counselling session at all. Just a nice friendly chat. We are friends as well as counsellor & client after all the years I have been seeing her. We talked about all kinds of things. She has been with me for so long on this journey, for much of which I seemed stuck in a kind of stasis. Unable to move on. Not ready in truth. This year has been the most amazing of my life. I became a little emotional as the wine took effect. I am almost teetotal now & one small glass was one too many for me. I could be a very cheap date! LOL. I have been blessed. I have so much to celebrate & be grateful for. I have found acceptance & love from all my small family & nearly all of my friends. So we delved into the way my life had changed & I talked about my inner most feelings. The totally sober, honest & candid but probably still incoherent lowlights of that conversation are below.

Realigning friendships:-

Transitioning seems on the surface to have made very little difference to my many friendships with my female friends. They had always accepted me. Now I appear to have been further welcomed into the sisterhood. I am simply just like one of them. I cannot express how heavenly that feels. It has if anything bought us closer. To most of my married male friends who knew me before, I am no longer their mate but I am still their friend. Just a female friend which is great. I cannot possibly imagine their wives could ever see some one like me as a threat but somehow I feel I may get less invites to smaller gatherings than before. If that happens I guess I may never know the real reasons why. Being single in a couple dominated world has never been easy but it had never bothered me before. The social rules & etiquette are all so new to me.

For my few unmarried male friends who I have known for over thirty years it is so complicated. I have to face up to the reality I am going to probably lose them. They have known me from my teenage days when I tried to play the part of what I thought a man should be & hid my feelings behind a male looking mask, washed down with occasionally way too much alcohol. They all kindly supported me when I came out to them as TS & they said it would make no difference to our continued friendship. Since I transitioned I have spoken to them on the phone & they appeared ok with me. We have never met in person since I started living full time as a woman. One in particular who is/was my best male friend, a guy I have known since I was eighteen appears to have started to distance himself from me. I actually tried to date his current long term girl friend but only after they split up in the early stages of their relationship. I had been too drunk to realise it was wrong of me at the time & could never ever happen. I would never cheat on a friend. I cancelled the date. We go back a long way. We have been on holiday together just the two of us, platonically, several times. I think he & probably most of my long term friends thought I was simply a closet gay. I am a virgin & sex has just not been a part of my life. I some how shut those feelings down as a teenager, actually very easily. Being referred to as trans-sexual when my condition has nothing to do with my sexuality is a source of frustration which I feel has never helped people like me, as the media use it as some kind of smutty club to beat us with.

Distant dreams of possibly one day having a fulfilling relationship:-

Those feelings were too painful too confused way back when I was young & going through the hell that was my puberty nightmare. Well now those feelings are re-emerging. I am allowing myself to think about them as my dreamed of life becomes an achievable reality. I have always thought of myself as heterosexual, if I really pushed myself to delve into such thoughts. At the confused time we had became mates/buddies I liked/loved/wanted/needed to be a woman. I miss my male friend. I miss having men friends particularly him. He knows I have many more creative friends now & so I will not be lonely but he gave away something to my Mum in a phone conversation in May. According to my Mum it was like he was checking I would be ok & not be on my own. By his tone & unspoken words he was preparing the ground to say good by. I am crying just writing this & it is not me being tipsy this time. I have not heard or seen him since, apart from one call I made to him & he was cold & distant. I believe with all my heart he is still my friend but the dynamics of our friendship have changed so much now for obvious reasons. I had assumed he had been afraid of how I may look as a woman. I thought perhaps he may feel threatened or at risk if he thought I looked like a drag queen. How would people perceive us. A gay couple, an illicit affair or just friends. If I looked like a normal'ish woman (which I hope I do) what then? Would his girlfriend/partner wonder what our friendship was all about. As my counsellor pointed out "what if he fancied you?" I doubt this but... Can men & women just be friends? It seems like we are destined not to be. Letting go is so painfully difficult.

As a single female I am finding it is interestingly very different, very liberating but also very frustrating. I need my deformities corrected a.s.a.p. because of the way I was born with a female brain not because of my sexuality but................... Relationships are too complicated now & who knows for me may always be. I am just tired of having the wrong body & knowing as I am now, I may at best have to either lie, which I do not want to do, or tell the truth & probably see them run away or worse. I am a heterosexual woman & would like to be accepted as such although realistically this may never happen. Could I live with that knowledge? That is a really scary thought. I miss my men friends like I never ever dared dream of! Letting go of these friend/relationships, is proving so hard to do but is a price I should have realised I was likely to have to pay. It is hurting me like crazy but all my friendships are adjusting & it will just take more time. Moving on is so difficult. At least I have hope in my heart, that one day just may be, there may be some one out there for me.

I have let go so much random thought here, perhaps way too much. I hope & pray you all have far more enjoyable things in your life to do than to have read this far in my humble blog. You have all been special friends to me at such a dramatic time in my life & so often your own. Bless your hearts. There is no place like home. I may be gone for quite some time, my beloved family are calling me, something specials going on! Debbie's first Christmas, yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

May Christmas be kind to you.
May all your hopes & dreams come true in 2009.

Lots of love
Debbie

The spirit of Christmas

Christmas is for me a time for family & friends, full of memories & emotion. It is also often a time for reflection, what ever religion you may be. How I wish mankind could all live together in peaceful acceptance of each other.

I have been thinking a lot about my dear friends recently. Some are doing really well, some are going through unbelievably difficult times. They all are blessed with a wonderful spirit which is pushed to the limit due to circumstances beyond their control. My thoughts are with you all but particularly at this difficult time with dear Jo, Julia, Teri, Katy, Linda & her beloved friend Sasha, to name but a few.

Dear Jo they say everything happens for a reason but my heart goes out to you. You are in my thoughts & prayers. I hope you get the all clear real soon.

I am finally taking Dad to see the specialist again on Monday to discuss his scan results & find out if there is anything they can do to help with his hearing loss. Waiting & not knowing was the worst bit. I just hope PALS got their information correct.

When I first began this journey in 1996 I was captivated by the words of a song. The name of the band escapes me but the words still hold true. In life, you never know what may happen next. Plan for tomorrow but live for today.

This is your life

Where is the purpose in your life?
Where is the truth?
Do you remember?
Your hopes, your dreams?
They may no longer be your own!
*
Each day is for living your Own Life!
Do not let this world capture your Heart!
Your passions lost to a thousand themes.
*
You possibly acted like a child playing games.
Played pretend & the art of disguise.
Alone & lost for too much of your life.
*
There is no rehearsal!
No second chance!
No thoughts are better!
No circumstance!
This is not a story!
This is not a hope!
This is your life!

I have had the most amazing year thanks to the support of my wonderful family & friends. The experiences we have shared, the kind words & love that's been given, from all over the world, makes such a difference. I never knew blogging could be like this. Bless you all.

I have always known my true self but until this year I have never known if I can live that life. I still have days of doubt but they are few. I am a work in progress, still learning, still eradicating the ravages of testosterone poisoning from my body, but so grateful & happy to be alive.

Tomorrow I am going to my Art Societies Christmas lunch. My first ever Christmas party as Debbie. Shy quiet little me. I was so scared to be me. I used to be terrified of parties & social occasions. This year I am so looking forward to meeting up with all my creative friends. I am far from confident now but I feel so unbelievably different. Spiritually in a completely different place, which seems quite appropriate for this time of year.

You have all touched my heART. It is a bit early but for the first time in my new life I just want to say to Jo, Nicky, Jessica, Julia, Doris, Kate, Katy, Anji, Alan, Denise, Rebecca, Alex, Lucy, Lori, Karen, Teri, Heather, Julia M, Dee, Michelle, Chloe, Shauna, Jenny, Veronica, Debbie D, Fran, Paula, Chris & Jackie.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas. Good health & happiness. May all your dreams come true in 2009.
Lots of love
Debbie
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