Oh Deer!

Perhaps I have been overdoing things a bit as all of a sudden it all seemed to catch up with me. How many times must a doctor hear that?

As another landmark birthday approaches this year I am of an age where I am too old to die young and hopefully still too young to be considered an old dear, but.....

I did my best with the NHS Admin Computer course but it was not enough. The course was so intensive. By mid morning I had fallen behind. By mid afternoon I was the only one left out of six and as the tutor explained when she asked me to stop, just one of the ten percent who do not finish the course in one session. I completed five out of seven sections and got everything I did right but it felt like I failed. I was dreading failing but consoled myself that I had never seen or used the two different software programmes before & at least I had not panicked or got flustered. I am not going to give up. Sometimes things feel pointless. May be that path is not for me. Its only a failure if I give up and stop trying.

Afterwards I discontentedly went to see the volunteer co-ordinator to explain how I had got on. She told me not to worry and that the admin team I had been working with would need to be able to give me time to watch them using the live system for booking appointments and tracking information. They were all overworked and understaffed, the news of probable NHS job cuts appeared in the local paper that week, so moral was not good. I wanted to help them and not be a hindrance and also gain valuable work experience in the process but I could understandably not be allowed access to the system until I passed the course and they were all so busy.

I felt rather guilty but decided to indulge in some retail therapy and bought the new top I had promised myself just to cheer myself up. It had been the longest day I had been at work for many years and I was exhausted when I finally got home and became overtired struggling to sleep that night as my mind refused to switch off.
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I really wanted to improve my chances of finding work so this setback together with more bad news from another company that I had hoped one day might provide me with an opportunity for employment left me temporarily feeling low.

I have financially never been poorer but I was reminded how rich my life is now by the simple pleasures in life I am now able to appreciate. While out walking along the river with my beloved Dad and our doggy in the early morning Sun we were blessed with the sight of a deer on the opposite bank of the river. At first only its white bottom gave its appearance away. I fortunately had my camera with me and managed a picture before it melted away back into the undergrowth. A crowd of our friends gathered to watch and as two gentleman walked by they remarked jovially "look at that Dear photographing a Deer, you don’t get to see that very often!”
As I was make up free, resplendent in my rather unglamorous dog walking gear, skinny jeggings and an old top, in the company of my dear Dad, who had once vowed never to walk with Debbie, with our friends who we had once thought may shun us, my gender not an issue, accepted and perceived the gender I have always been in my heart, this was another life affirming priceless experience.

I have been rushed off my feet recently as I have tried to push myself harder and had some health problems as a consequence but when I returned to the admin team last week they were so kind. Most of them had not passed the course in one session first time and even the supervisor had found the system difficult to learn, as well as some young students. They were all so lovely to me. They took me under their wing and made me feel like part of their team, one of the girls, closer perhaps to being an old dear, more than ever!

May life be kind to you.
Love
Debbie

New Beginnings, back to my future.

I hope to make some more progress towards my new future tomorrow.

I begin an NHS admin computer training course which they have kindly sponsored me to go on. I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn new skills and just hope I do not let anyone down. Those new skills will make me more useful in being able to provide them voluntary support and may also help my chance of one day finding employment. If I can manage to take it all in, it should help boost my self belief and well being. For now I am just glad for the workplace experience again.

One day I would perhaps like the opportunity to do a more caring people orientated role but for now I need to continue healing myself, who knows where my journey will take me.

My previous career is not an option for me or something I could ever see myself going back to. My priorities have changed. I will be so pleased just to be well enough to try to get a job. To begin with that is going to be a big enough challenge.

The last time I went on a course I was in a different place mentally. I was pre transition then and in a dark place, so stressed I suffered massive panic attacks and had to give up the course. I am both excited and a little nervous. My anxiety is causing the butterflies in my tummy to work overtime just now. Why is it, my brain cell can remember so vividly what happened a few years ago and remind me in the middle of the night, yet enable me to forget something that was said only five minutes ago?

I still feel vulnerable but I am not afraid in the way I used to be. I am no longer afraid to be me. I feel ready and just want the chance to move on, to live my life authentically. I have a compassionate mind, I can be over sensitive but my heart has never felt better, I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin.

I now know why my counsellor advised I should avoid having GRS and FFS in the same year. My body is still adjusting and so is my brain, to the physical and hormonal changes from my GRS nearly 6 months ago. There is still the odd twinge and alternatively also a lack of any sensation at all. Fatigue and slight post op blues are still a source of frustration but they are all recognised symptoms that should all, given time settle down.

I need to get the work/family balance right and I really want to be up for the challenge and try to find some paid employment this year. Going back to education/work after being away so long feels like a new beginning.

Tomorrow morning I have to be up earlier than I have done in many years to get to the course at the hospital. I hope to look my best and get there on time, so our doggy will only be getting a quick walk. I will certainly be seeing the world in a different light and have a renewed outlook on life. Hopefully I will not suffer a bad hair day and make a monkey of myself. The pictures not me before my make up, in case you are wondering! I could never look as beautiful as the young Orang-Utan from "Monkey World Primate Rehabilitation Centre" in the photo.

If I manage to do well tomorrow it might just give me a better chance of a successful future and I might just remember to treat myself to that new top in the shop that keeps reminding me to buy one, every time I walk by.

May life be kind to you.
Love
Debbie

Forever Young

We have all been emotionally exhausted this week but we still managed to have a lovely relaxing day celebrating my dear Mums birthday, who in spite of all the worry I have caused her, looks half her tender years of age.

We went to my cousins son "R" funeral on Monday. The rains poured down, so did the tears but so did the love.

This was to be a very special occasion for our small family and a legion of friends, to celebrate the life of a wonderful inspiring brave young man. All of the familiar religious aspects of the service were kept to a minimum. My memories of his life, his great courage and this day have renewed my outlook on life.

As the congregation solemnly walked into the church "R" favourite music played, Kanye West Family Business http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acxWwlklFOk

There were so many of my cousins son, young friends there, the crematorium was packed. Music was his love, his passion and through this his talents shone. He never moaned always tried to smile, always had a word to say to everyone he meet, without prejudice, with a warm heart.

We watched him grow from a baby to a man. His Mum doted on him. His Dad loved his son so much, they were so close. During his teenage years when he was not in hospital he would often be in his bedroom mixing his music, headphones on, feeling every rhythm, in his own world. He was born to be a DJ. He was a natural. We never got to see him perform but clearly many did. The congregation was full with the beautiful radiant young friends he had made from the night club world he loved so much.

I have never seen so many people, so many young people at a funeral. The readings by his girlfriends and his best mate were both humbling and heartbreaking. He was from a different generation to me, a face book generation. He lived for each day and his incredible spirit proved an inspiration to so many as he continually overcame so many life threatening challenges, with a cheeky quip and a smile.

His grieving brother asked they play the song Forever Young by Jay-Z http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5skK_WXwNQ This songs words are so poignant and left me in floods tears both at the time and when I played them several days later. The music was new to me, from a different generation but it spoke volumes and felt so powerful.

You should never judge people by appearances. In the words of his Mum "to see him some days with his raggedy jeans hanging all over the place you would never believe the kind of person he was". He refused to compromise his life and lived every day he could, like it may be his last.

After the events explained in my previous post the only concession I made to my appearance was to tone my make up down slightly. When we filled into the service there were no seats left and the music playing had slightly unsettled my Dad whose musical taste is from a very different era. We found ourselves directed to a crowd who were standing huddled by the doors near the front, the only space left. Without being asked the young mourners seated in the front row beckoned us to take there places. Young people unfairly too often get a bad press these days, especially those who go out to enjoy a good night out. There is good and bad in everyone regardless of age gender or race.

Seeing "R" coffin directly in front of us between the curtains and listening to all heart rending readings including several from face book comments made me feel so humble, so aware of our own mortality and how fragile life can be. I was not alone as I cried my eyes out, like so many others, whoose cries echoed through the room. When the service was over and we had all payed our respects we walked outside, to a shelter from the deluge of rain, that would not stop, just like the torrent of emotions.

In a sea of young mourners we noticed Dads sister, my auntie who has dementia, cast adrift, looking heart broken, vulnerable and so alone. My cousin was doing her best trying to thank everyone for coming, her husband was in pieces with grief, her remaining son elsewhere in need of some quiet space, leaving my Auntie to fend for herself. We rushed to comfort her at the same time dreading how she may react. She was so pleased to see some old familiar faces.

To see my Dad finally talking with his sister again face to face rebuilding their friendship was a great comfort. She recognised my Mum and her friend we had bought along with us. Not wishing to unsettle her I waited patiently to see any recognition of me, longing to reach out to her but she was totally bemused as to who I, the complete stranger was. The time was right, it really was a case of now or never so as reluctantly agreed with my cousin, Dad introduced the strange woman who was standing alongside her very discretely as Rob. "I did not recognise you, you rascal, you have grown so much taller" she said as we hugged. I have always had long hair and her recollection was probably from me many years ago due to her condition. A very minor piece of family business in proceedings, our small family had been dreading could possibly divide our family for ever, had been overcome. Sadly with her short term memory being so bad she has probably already forgotten the encounter but hopefully it will make a difference to our family. If only her cruel condition would allow her to forget the pain she feels at losing her beloved grandson which will I am sure stay with her for ever and remember only the wonderful times they shared together.

There was a small price to pay as it hurt for a moment being called Rob and it still felt perhaps a compromise too much at the time. It weakened my self respect a little but it was worth it, for family unity. Is a little compromise not a price worth paying to unite a family and prevent a life time of regret? I guess it depends on how much you value what is at stake. I know for me, from my humble life experience, there is a huge difference between sacrificing your life for your loved ones wishes/feelings and small compromises. Life is too short. The day was all about "R" not me. When it came to us offering our condolences to both my cousin, her husband and remaining son, we all exchanged hugs and kisses, no words could ever heal the pain we were all experiencing. As the service came to a close the song associated with his favourite sport football "You'll never walk alone " http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJ-jYTKtXVI hauntingly played out. Music was his life his love and his spirit will live on forever.

I have since spoken to my cousin who was so very brave, she was comforted by the incredible show of affection for her beloved son by so many. She has given her blessing for us to resume visiting her Mum again as our meeting did not cause any adverse reaction. So this outcome at least means our remaining family can be reunited, we can now visit my Auntie again. My cousin may be able to gain some much needed respite from caring for her Mum when she needs to, as we can now openly help her as we had always wanted to. In a day of tremendous sadness this really was a small chink of light. Mum Dad and I and our remaining family got through a day that will live forever in our hearts.

Sometimes on this journey through life we have to compromise, sometimes I feel old before my years, sometimes only recently I have felt reborn, almost a second puberty, like a teenager, only knowing by my life experiences "I know nothing" but in my heart I wish I could be forever young.

Happy Easter
Peace be with you
Love
Debbie

In Loving Memory

Tomorrow is the funeral of my cousin’s young son. It is to be a time to remember him, to celebrate his life. Life is about creating special memories. Tomorrow is going to be a very emotional day for so many reasons.

His close family have asked for the funeral to be very formal, everyone attending has to wear black. This was requested by R and for a very informal fun loving guy with lots of young friends was something of a surprise.

Sadly our small family only ever seem to meet up at funerals in recent years. None of us are going to find the day easy but for my Cousin and her Mum it is going to be particularly hard. No Grandma expects to out live their Grandchildren. My Auntie the Grandma I refer to also has dementia. Her memories of long ago are often very sharp but those of the immediate recent times are often very confused. Any change is very unsettling for her. Her constant daily phone calls are heartbreaking to listen to. One time in tears, the next temporarily oblivious to the loss of her beloved Grandson. My cousin was at breaking point a month ago before the tragedy, trying to decide how best to care for her Mum.

When we informed my cousin two years ago about my need to transition she was very supportive but had asked us not to try to explain it to my Auntie. She was concerned it would only make her worse or possibly lead to her being abusive towards us. My parents were against this and I was not happy but understood my cousin’s feelings. This caused difficulties between my Dad and his sister which was the last thing I wanted. Some very cruel comments had been exchanged. I have been asked by my cousin never to appear as myself in front of my Auntie. It seems such a simple price to pay for family unity and peace but having to compromise myself now seems terribly unsettling which in turn makes me feel selfish. It made me feel quite ill having to comply with this at the previous Christmas but the funeral is far harder. We used to have much larger family gatherings, of which we have many happy memories of these times. Sadly our family are now nearly all gone.

For the funeral tomorrow I have to try to dress up androgynously and be referred to as Bob so as not to upset my poor Auntie. My heart goes out to my cousin and her Mum. Tomorrow is for my cousin's son "R" and for them; our feelings are very much secondary. My Mum and I find loss very very hard to cope with. She feels sorry for me having to compromise but she should not have to. I have never been a man but I know what it will feel like to put that mask back on, and it feels a million times worse having lived truthfully to myself for over two years.

We are all going to be emotional tomorrow, all our thoughts will be for my cousin's son "R". I know we are going to cry our eyes out. My Mum has gently reminded me to remove all traces of mascara, which seems so superficial yet….We must get through this together, as a family. I want to pay my respects to "R" and support our family, without letting anyone down or being a source for any family disharmony on such an occasion.

Since I last posted here so much has happened. My Mum has been very ill again but thankfully she has been stable for a few days now. I had to rush her to the doctors after she came off the tablets which had been causing her to wheeze. They did lots of tests but she just could not get her breath properly. They concluded it must have been a major panic attack as most of her readings appeared fine.

One test result was very worrying. An ECG revealed that unknowingly to any of us my Mum had actually suffered a heart attack at some point since her last test four years ago. My biggest fear was that the strain I had caused in needing to transition would harm her health in any way. The guilt of hurting those we love is for me far more painful than any of the physical challenges of the surgical changes we may feel we need to make.

Last Friday I had to rush home from my voluntary work at the hospital as my Dad had fallen over in the shower. He was bruised and a bit shaken but nothing more. Today he kicked every ball watching his favourite team play in a cup final on the television, which he shared with his daughter, while Mum slept peacefully with our corgi curled up on her lap. A treasured memory.

I am not sure quite how all our family are ever going to get through tomorrow but I have to keep my faith that we will.

May tomorrow be kind to you.

Love
Debbie

Our "Brave Heart" has gone to heaven.

My cousin’s beloved son R, has tragically collapsed and died. At the tender young age of 29. Our small family has lost a hero and heaven has gained an Angel.

His Mum told us the awful news we were all dreading, today on Mothers day in the UK, of all days. She was understandably devastated and said she will never ever get over his tragic death.
How she is going to be able to break the news to her Mum who has dementia and dotes on her grandchild I cannot begin to imagine, the pain they must all be experiencing.

He had been through so many challenges in his short life. I wrote about him and his dear Mum in my previous blog “A Mothers love”, we were all praying for a miracle, now he has gone and his family are completely shattered. Our tears feel like they will never stop.

He had Leukaemia at the age of 9. He received the most wonderful care and he and his family were supported brilliantly by “Leukemia Busters” the children's leukemia research charity http://www.leukaemiabusters.org.uk/pages/home.aspx


The life saving therapy and medication he received as a child unfortunately had many terrible side effects, some of which had weakened his heart. At 18 his heart become so bad he was advised he needed a heart transplant. He agonised over the difficult decision. In the end he had little choice but to agree as he had become so seriously ill, he was given only a short time to live. How difficult it must have been for him to decide what to do. How would he feel having another persons heart beating inside him? I digress but I think about how I have found my journey very spiritual and what happens to our soul if we find ourselves going through such a process and wonder if this played a small part in his concerns. His biggest worry must have been that in agreeing to the heart transplant they were all made aware that the new heart would only have a limited life span before it would become very tired, a period of approximately 10 years. Life is so precious.

For him to have a chance of extending his life at that time, another family had suffered a terrible loss. It must have been so hard and so brave of the family of the donor to agree to the life saving organ donation in their hours of grief. If you have not joined the organ donation register you can apply here for the UK http://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/ukt/default.jsp

"R" survived the heart transplant only to have the leukaemia come back once more. Again his spirit and the brilliant medical care he received pulled him through. He and his family cherished each day never knowing what might happen. He loved playing sports with his Dad. He gave up his job in a shop and followed his dream of becoming a DJ. It would have been understandable had his parents become over protective but they allowed him to flourish. He lived life as best he could, to the full. He had lots of friends. He had the most amazing smile and was a big hit with the girls and had many admirers.

When I think of those who are sadly rejected by their family, their loved ones, over needing to make life saving / life changing decisions or are shunned for following their dreams, I think of the courage Richard and his family showed by living each day to the max with complete love and support.

Sadly last week he became ill watching football with his family, something he always loved doing. He was rushed to a specialist hospital only to collapse once more. His brave heart could take no more. His life which began only a short time ago in 1989 has been tragically ended. He will never ever be forgotten. He truly touched so many of our hearts.

My thoughts are with my beloved Cousin's son "R", my devastated Cousin, her husband and his brother at this time.

Rest in Peace dear R.
Today heaven has a new Angel, a true Saint with the bravest of hearts

Love
Debbie xxxxxxxx

A Mothers love

I would like to dedicate this posting to my Cousin who is a wonderful Mum whose love knows no bounds. She has a husband and two boys who are grown up now and looks after her Mum who has dementia. One of her boys health problems have been a constant worry to her.

On Tuesday we received the news my Cousins son had been rushed into hospital again. He has been through so much in his young 29 years. His Mum has been under so much strain. At 9 he was diagnosed with leukaemia. After lengthy treatment with terrible side effects he somehow found the strength to pull through. He lost all his energy; all of his hair and an important part of his childhood, that he could never get back.

At 18 his heart became too weak to keep working, it had been damaged by all the chemotherapy and prescriptions medication. At first he refused a transplant. He had already suffered enough at this stage in his young life, at the time he felt like he could not face any more surgery after all he had been through. Eventually at the 11th hour his will to live; much to the relief of his parents caused him to agree to the heart transplant that miraculously became available out of another poor persons tragic misfortune.

With his immune system so susceptible to illness his nightmare and that of his loved ones came true, the leukaemia returned once more. Again the brilliant medical staff and his incredible courage and spirit saw him through another life threatening challenge. As a result of going through all the treatment and terrible side effects once again the poor love was also told he would not be able to father a child.

Eventually he found the strength to try to return to a normal life. At first he had a 9 till 5 job working in a shop but this was not enough for him. He and his family have been living one day at a time for so long. His dear Mum put on a very brave face. She knew that the new heart would only last for so long. They have all had to live with this time bomb.

He had always loved music and sport. He was a very handsome young man and very popular with his many friends. He pursued his dreams of becoming a DJ which he became very successful at. He had several girlfriends but alas he knew his health would always be a problem and did not want to have them go through what he had already experienced and put his family through. Recently he sadly split up with a girl who appeared to be the love of his life. This week he attended a sports event and collapsed. His mum and Dad are now by his bedside in a hospital in London hoping for a miracle.

My thoughts and prayers are with them. I hope his dear Mums love will find a way to heal him and her prayers be answered this coming Mothers Day.

I have been having a really difficult time and had to stay off my voluntary work in the last ten days or so I thought until the news we received put it all in perspective. I had written several therapeutic pages to get it out of my system. They were full of self pity which I stopped short of blogging about. I felt guilty letting everyone down. My parents, the people I should have been working with, the doctors who had helped me get this far and the kind friends who had supported me. I had perhaps been doing too much, trying too hard and felt like a light had gone out inside of me. Balancing my life as a carer and trying to find work alongside my heart telling me I needed to be there for my Mum and Dad as they are becoming increasingly frail had left me shattered. As my health has improved so much it feels a little like role reversal in my relationship with my parents. They still need their independence but they need my help more and more. It’s a two way thing in which we both have to be careful not to Mother each other too much as it can be unhealthy. As much as we love each other there is a fine line between Mother and smother. I would love to have been a Mum. I will never know but I feel sure I would not have made a very good parent. I have so much respect for all the good parents out there who are simply amazing.

I had been having insecurities about my appearance as a working woman ,as I began to increase my working hours, some out of vanity, some still dysphoric, some bordering on body dysmorphia. I have also experienced distressing reminders those that transition often get jarred with as well as how impossible it would be for me to deny my mental health history when applying for any position of employment. For a time depression engulfed me and I thought this must be simply post op blues. It was only while visiting my GP for more post op treatment this week that he discovered from some blood tests I was actually anaemic which explained my tiredness. Having a label, a reason in this case helped make sense of how tired I had become.

I know how lucky I am and at the same time I know this life would not be easy for my loved ones or for me. My dear Mum had worried every time I visited London once a month for almost twleve years that her biggest nightmare would come true, that I would one day need to transition. On Monday she will see her daughter travel to see the gender specialist, probably one last time for her post op appoint, with her blessing and unconditional love.

Sometimes we need to see our worries in relation to others to appreciate just how lucky we are.

To all of those Mums out there, God bless you all. None of us would be here without you. To all of you lucky enough to still have your Mums, treasure every moment and build as many happy memories as you can. For those of you who have lost your beloved Mums my heart goes out to you. I am so lucky to still have such a special Mum. For my dear Mum I just want to finish with these humble words.

I love you Mum, so very much.
Happy Mothers Day
Love
Debbie xxxxxxxx

Please say a prayer for my cousins dear Son. May all your worries be small.

PS I would just like to thank my dear friend Julia whose timely phone call this afternoon really lifted my spirits.

Face values

How we see our selves and how others see us are two different things. That perception can sometimes make or break our lives and have a great impact on our self belief.

I recently completed the commission shown here for a friend. She had asked me if I could do a pencil portrait of her granddaughter from a small photograph. I usually only paint animals as they do not seem to have the insecurities we have. For many years I had found animals much easier to relate to than people.

The last portrait I did was a painting for my parents golden wedding anniversary. It was based on a treasured sepia photo of them both when they first met in their early twenties. Dad loved it, Mum hated it. I was not even a twinkle in their eye when it was taken. After my Mums severe critique I vowed never to attempt another portrait.

With convalescing and now my attempts to gain further work experience and hopefully a paid job I have not been able to paint since last July. A mixture of a lack of confidence, time, the cold in my studio(converted small bedroom) and my parents conservatory where I could use oils and feelings of guilt that I should be using my time more fruitfully had temporarily cut off my creativity. With a very exiting creative project producing murals, I have been asked to do at my local hospital, looming, I had to drive my butterflies away. If people ask me to help I always try to say yes and it felt nice to be asked. I offered to produce a sketch rather than a detailed portrait as I felt I lacked the skills to produce a professional portrait. I got some great advice from some artistic friends who specialize in graphite pencil work.

I used very thick water colour paper 638g Not rag paper from Paper works and Derwent water soluble Graphitone pencils light and medium pencils together with dark and very dark non soluble derwent graphitone. I was given the following useful tips by an expert graphite artist. You can use blue tack to lift many light unintentional marks on the paper. You can also use cotton wool pads to blend. Fabrino Aristico paper is supposed to be very good for pencil work. Faber-Castel Graphite pencils and or Grafwood Carndache pencils http://www.carandache.ch/m/la-couleur/artistes-et-professionnels/les-crayons/graphite-line/index.lbl which are Swiss made and cost £1.99 each. For beginners Derwent Graphite approx £6 for a tin are a good starting kit.

Saturday I nervously arrived at my friend’s door to meet her and her daughter. As I walked in there was a young child who looked somehow familiar from the photo. I had never met the granddaughter or her Mum before. I was not 100% sure if it was the grand daughter I had just drawn or another member of the family. I had asked my friend tell her daughter to be totally honest and been assured by my friend that her daughter would certainly say if anything was wrong with the picture. The image in the photo was quite small but the child was clearly beautiful, absolutely perfect in her Mums eyes. The difficulty as an artist doing a portrait is to decide how honest you try to portray an image and how much you subtly change before it no longer captures that person’s uniqueness. Thankfully her Mum was thrilled and her daughter recognized herself immediately. The innocence of youth. Out of the mouth of babes. I was so relieved although my humble picture could never do her justice. Her name is in the title of //www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjsDZlV7ABw I love the cute mouse in the video.

Like many artists I am uncomfortable with pricing my work or knowing what to ask for a fee especially from friends. In the end I asked them to make a donation which I could use towards the materials for the murals task at the hospital. Afterwards my friend said I looked very anxious when I first arrived, which I was and so I explained the story I have written here. We were all happy with the outcome. They were happy with their gift, my creative confidence was restored and I had learned a lot more about myself and also artistically.

Today 2 years into my new life, two years on from my facial feminization surgery with my GRS healing well I shared a magical experience with my Mum at our doctors surgery. We had both arranged to have blood tests at consecutive times. The kind nurses had seen both of us in very different circumstances over the past few years. I had at my darkest hour suffering from a breakdown been carried in to see them totally broken, drugged up on prescribed anti depressants unable to function any more, tears flooding down my cheeks at my lowest. The strain of living a lie; feeling as though I had been sacrificing my life for my loved ones, who had been in denial for 11 years, too much for me, at a time when in truth I had not been ready to transition, until I sank to this point. Only recently my Mum had been so ill they would not let her leave the surgery until they helped her to breath properly. To see the smile back on my Mums face was priceless. Today we were in a different place.

Mums asthma is under control and her blood pressure lower than it has been for years. I have put on over a stone in weight since my surgery but thankfully I needed to and it has all gone mainly in the right places. My face is much less gaunt and the answer to "does my bum look too big in this?" is now approaching Yes lol but I am soooo much happier.

"You both look so well, so much better now" said the nurse which was sweet of her. "Debbie you look just like your Mum, your smile, your eyes, I have never thought of you as anyone other than Debbie, a female. You are in the right place in your life now".

My loved ones and I have all been across a mythical river that often threatened to sweep us away under a torrent of conflicting emotions. We are now on relatively dry land on the other side, enjoying the view while we can. Nicky has made a great song about waving from the other side http://thecandyflossgirl.blogspot.com/2010/02/waving-from-other-side.html a phrase created by a special friend. My thoughts are with a very dear friend, an inspirational dear friend whose friendship I value so much who is about to undertake FFS across the pond in America. She is in a place that used to have a well known TV series called Cheers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD8ljNobUys.

All of the challenges posed by FFS were for me very much worth it, I hope and pray Jo gets well soon and everybody knows her name for her wonderful kind compassionate many many talents.


Cheers to you Jo
May your FFS bring you everything you wish for.

Love
Debbie