Sweet Dreams Rebecca

Sweet Dreams Rebecca
Tomorrow Rebecca's life long dream is about to come true. She will be having her GRS with the wonderful Dr Bowers in Trinidad USA. I am so pleased for & hope & pray the surgery goes well & is everything she wishes for.
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What incredible emotions she must be going through. With all the excitement & anxiety I am not sure how you can get to sleep. This journey feels like a rebirth & rather like a child at Christmas I am not sure how you could sleep. I hope she has the sweetest of dreams & awakens with the biggest of bright happy smiles that will light up the sky.

I also had some very exciting news of my own today. After dealing with so many phone calls I had nearly lost my voice today, I had the most magical call from the lovely Liz Hills at Brighton , where I hope to have my surgery with Mr Thomas. She has received the referral letter confirming funding for my own GRS.
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My date with destiny, my GRS is pencilled in for 3rd November 2009 at 8.30.
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Tuesdays must be a popular day to have your dreams come true!
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As some of us are blessed with the fortune to live our dreams there are those that experience our dreams from a different perspective, who we should never ever forget, our loved ones. God Bless them all.
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For them there is a mixture of emotions. They can be an Ocean away from our dream but they still care so much about us. My thoughts are also with Rebecca's special friend Nicky this evening. My transition has taken what feels like one hundred years or more. My dear Mum & Dad had feared the day that means so much to me for over ten years. Now they have opened their hearts they can see that it is truly right for me & are being very accepting & supportive. My Mum was overcome with emotion tonight when I told her my news. It was difficult for her to share my dream as it was once her nightmare. She has genuinely been happy for me but this was so heart breaking to witness. The poor love seemed torn between crying because she was happy she was gaining a daughter but also sad she was finally mourning the loss of the child she had once thought was a son. I felt so guilty needing to put my parents through so much agony when I felt so much joy, especially at their tender years. We have been getting through the tissues drying our tears & comfort eating the chocolates, tonight.
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Sweet dreams
Love
Debbie

Pathways

We are all different & have different life experiences. I am so grateful our paths have crossed here.
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Sometimes in life it is difficult to know what path to take, which bridge to cross. Perhaps the most difficult lesson to learn is: Which bridge in life to use or which one to break off.
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I tried to follow the path my loved ones wished for me, the path of non disclosure. I tried with all my heart, my head was telling me this was the right thing to do, for my family & I. As much as I tried I was always doomed to failure & ended back right where I started. Only then when I was finally ready did I put all my trust in God & follow the path that my heart had spent a life time telling me to follow. It may seem like a cliche but it is true.
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Disclosure is a path you can never go back on. Rather like an obsessed gambler playing roulette, the stakes are high. You have no idea of the outcome, who or what you may lose & the rewards a life long dream. You also have to accept that you may lose more than you can ever imagine. I found my nature drove me relentlessly down this path, which culminated in a huge leap of faith & for me personally, the most incredible spiritual journey.
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Sometimes we need to walk a path that some of our loved ones, our families our friends cannot contemplate or even begin to accept. That can be the loneliest path of all. Given time they may eventually walk with you on that path, when they have given their broken heart time to heal. There is always hope.
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I perhaps had less to lose than many as I only have a very small family. Nearly all of my friends have accepted me. I may have been more fortunate than most in that I appear to have only lost two of my longstanding male friends who I have known since my college years. My heart still aches for the loss of my best male friend. I have no closure but I guess that is the price I have to pay. I miss our friendship so very much but its gone, from the minute I told him of the path I needed to take. He tried, he really tried but just could not come to terms with what I had done to our friendship. I have to move on & accept his decision. The change in the fundamental dynamics of our friendship was too much for him to bare. May be understandably his girlfriend also finds the path I need to tread too complicated to comprehend. Who can blame them? I have broken their trust, our friendship was based on a lie. We travelled the world together as mates but even though he said he would still be my friend, from the day I left for facial surgery our paths have never crossed again. He never returns my calls or my letters. Mine was for him a path too far, our bridge was broken.
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There are those who tell you their path is the only way but they are not you. These people can be really hurtful even if they are well meaning. Unless asked for they should not force their opinions on others. It is your life. We have to find our own paths.
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Life can on occasions be cruel & we face many challenges. This week I stumbled a little on my path. For a time I felt weighed down by self doubt & frustration, as I tried pushing myself too hard, much to the worry of my loved ones. Life is too short for negativity & giving up.
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If you are having a bad day or a bad week it is so uplifting to read of the courage of others, the sacrifices & challenges that they have faced. I feel blessed to have come across people who inspire & have overcome great adversity.
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Tomorrow is the London Marathon. A wonderful event where dreams are fulfilled & in the process a lot of kind people help raise funds for very deserving courses. Many of the runners are there after tragic life changing events. Their stories of overcoming adversity are very humbling & so inspiring.
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Please read the story of Phillip Packer http://www.philpacker.com/who on the 19th February 2008 was injured in Iraq and is now a paraplegic. He is determined to raise £1 million for Help for Heroes with support from others.
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He will attempt to walk the Flora London Marathon over two weeks from the 26th April and until then, has laid down the gauntlet to try any sport or attend any event that YOU think would help reach this target. This amazing man has such incredible determination & selfless courage. He & his comrades CHOSE a path that involves tremendous risk to serve their country. I am a wuz, a coward & I have total respect for these brave lads & lasses. They do not always receive the recognition & support they deserve, for their sacrifices. I hope the path Phillip treads is paved with Gold & raises lots of money for those heroes.
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My Dad used to be a very good amateur runner. He is my hero. I have asthma & have always been useless at running. I would love to be able run in the London Marathon one day but that remains an unfulfilled dream. My Dad says "never say never!" It is a source of great joy to still be able to share walks along the river with him.
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My dear Mum took this picture of our corgi & I, in the woods at a country park, not far from my home. The bluebells are now in full bloom & it is the most picturesque of settings. I never dared dream I could ever be my true self. I never dreamed we would ever have another corgi when our previous little friend Sparky passed away. He had diabetes for the last three years of his life. We had to inject him twice daily & his moods like his health went up & down until the day he died. We used to celebrate each year we manged to get him to walk to see the bluebells & even now I cry just thinking about the little love, slowly walking the path, that eventually led to doggy heaven. The bluebells are a symbol of hope & remembrance to our family. The little guy we have now has brightened our lives & feels like a gift from heaven. We are so lucky to have him. I never ever imagined I would one day find acceptance from my beloved elderly parents & be able to walk with them along a path, as nature had always intended.
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It would be so lovely if one day all our paths could lead to us meeting up together, as you have all from afar, so often reached out, held my hand & truly touched my heart.
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A few weeks ago I was kindly given this poignant quote from Walt Disney. I have always been a great fan of his films & am still very much a child at heART.
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"All our dreams can come true - if we have the courage to pursue them".
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What ever path you take in life may it be the one to happiness.
Lots of love
Debbie
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PS Yesterday evening my Mum presented me with a really sweet gift, a cosmetics bag for me to take to hospital when I have my GRS surgery later this year. I am so lucky to have her unconditional love & this was a very special moment I will always treasure. My Dads day was not so good. His heart sank yesterday when our football team got relegated again & may now go out of business. On Saturdays even at the age of 84, listening to the game on the radio he still kicks every ball. He encouraged me to join him 35 years ago on the path to his great passion & I loved bonding with him on that journey. Last night he was taken poorly at a group of friends & did not feel at all well describing the symptoms as "I felt like I was somewhere else". This morning he is still not feeling his usual self. I hope & pray he will be ok. The path this week has been a very emotional one to climb but I will keep pushing on.

Crushed?

Crushed but my life is far from a write off!
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Today I shed some tears as my dilapidated much cherished old car, my Ford TARDIS which helped me travel through the gender barrier, far further than the 125,000 miles on the clock, to my final frontier, was finally consigned to the scrap yard in the sky.

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I have been going through a bit of a wobbly patch emotionally, this week. I cannot determine if its external events or internal that are pulling me in all directions.

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Life may have been easier if that guy had not driven soo close to me that he ended up crashing into the back of my car & pushing me off the nice comfortable path I was on, into a torrent of emotions. Life has a habit of throwing up new challenges.
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I have always been a bit of sentimental old fool. In my previous existance I used to drive large bonneted cars, Ford Capri's, thinking they would help disguise I was not really a man. How phalically crazy was that thinking? Ten years ago I bought my cute little red Ford KA. It was much more to my girly taste & a symbol of acceptance. That dear little car, that hunk of metal, kept me & my family safe. Towards the last five years of its life during my darkest days, I had very foolishly driven it many times when I was too ill & distressed to drive safely. While the wheels on my life were all coming off, she kept on going. Never let me down. She was priceless to me.

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I have struggled to keep going & my determination to drive on with building my new working life this week, resulted in me mentally crashing. It was just a blip but a bit disconcerting.
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As much as I try to gently ease my self back to work all be it voluntary, my responsibilities as a carer for my parents are making things very complicated. There are barriers to be gently tested which due to our dependency on each other cause a degree of friction. My parents & I need our independence but we also love & need each other. There is now a degree of role reversal. I am perhaps guilty of being overprotective & out of misguided love o occasions smother them with love. There is still a great deal of guilt inside me at all I have needed to put them through. They cannot possibly be expected to understand what a person with my condition is going through.
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Our lives are so enmeshed we have never really separated & although this is clearly not healthy for our relationship, we are blessed to still have each other. We love each other so very much but we also need our space sometimes. I cherish each moment I have left with them. I cannot ever envisage going back to full time employment while they are both alive. My anxiety is still a problem for me & I guess I will have to accept that will always be part of me.
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I want to be able to get on & would like to be able to pay my way in the world again. I feel frustrated I am unable to contribute as much as I used to & would like to, to look after my family. Financially it is becoming a bit of a struggle to maintain two homes. Trying to find paid employment during a world wide recession with the baggage I feel I bring to any potential employer is a challenge. I am so grateful to be living the life I now lead & as I settle into my new life I am generally able to just get on, just be myself & that is the most wonderful thing.
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Life has a habit of kicking me really hard sometimes just when things are going so well. Coincidentally this seems so often to be in three monthly cycles, which by chance coincide with an injection I receive to help reduce the ravages testosterone has on my body. I seem to suffer a reaction a few days later whose symptoms are like mild to severe depression & cause me to be very tearful. They only last a day or so but are quite distressing. I will never know for sure what really causes them. I had a bad episode this Monday hence the lack of blog activity. More importantly I was unable to carry out my volunteer duty on the Tuesday which is something which if I am ever fortunate enough to find paid employment simply cannot be an option. I felt awful letting the hospital down.
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At the weekend I had a lovely trip to Port Lympne Zoo in Kent, with my art society friends. I took the photo above of two tiger cubs frolicking on a log. There was however one incident that really upset me. I cannot deny my past equally I do not want to have to wear it on my sleeve or have it shouted from the roof tops. A lot of my friends in the art group have known me in my other life & all have been supportive. There was a sad falling out which spoilt some special friendships a couple of years ago but time has healed the friendships a little, although they can never be the same. What upset me was being “outed” by references to my male past in front of some new members who had joined us on the trip. This was done by the wife of the couple who had caused such a sad rift between what were once such good friends. I naively thought our friendship had moved on but suddenly they changed. I did not want to make a scene & let it spoil my day but it hurt after being made to feel so accepted.

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The aftermath of the crash I had still lingers on. My neck is almost healed but still prevents me keeping my head in the same position very long & has to be exercised regularly. Considering my car is a write off I was very lucky to only have this minor injury & so grateful no one else was hurt. I have had to deal with lots of phone calls which can be very confusing for both parties at times. I still cannot believe a major tourist attraction is considering me for a voluntary position as receptionists with my questionable vocalisation skills. The only company I have had transphobic behaviour from when I began the great paper chase of legally changing my name & informing everyone, was my car insurance company. The very people I have had to deal with far too regularly recently. They have been fine this time, I suspect they have something on their records about me. Visually I feel so much more comfortable now but my dysphoria still distresses me at times especially during phone conversations.
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I had to finally agree a settlement with my insurance company today to formally write my car off. It was a pitiful offer but I had no choice even though I was a totally innocent victim. Poetic justice in a way because I had been pleading with my Dad to stop driving because he was not really safe enough & I was worried about him. Quite rightly he had wanted to keep his independence but I was afraid at what cost to my parents & the publics safety that may be. I cannot afford to replace my car & so my parents have kindly allowed me to use theirs, which is on its last legs & due for an MOT next month.

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Our finances are very tight like everyone’s but we will survive. The small sum I had been squirreling away to pay for my longed for “pitch elevation surgery” to improve my voice & career prospects are now a dream which, like my dear old Ford KA car, are now well & truly “crushed.
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Everything happens for a reason. I am none too sure there is much reason in my ramblings here but thank you so much for your time & kindness, if you have got this far.

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I still have so much to be so very grateful for, my new life, my beloved parents & all my true friends.
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Drive safely
Love
Debbie

A Moment in time!

I have been really busy getting on with my life, at last: trying to build a new life & plan for my future. I have had some incredible moments in the last two weeks as well as the last two years. The moment when I finally received the letter confirming my GRS funding was now available & it was not just a dream was quickly followed by the news from Brighton where I will be having my surgery that all being well I will be able to have my surgery in October this year is something I never dreamed possible.
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Another moment was absolutely priceless when my beloved family & I where all able to go out as a family to celebrate my Mums 81st birthday as Mum, Dad & daughter; just a totally ordinary family but a wonderful day. A moment to truly celibrate.
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It is so important to cherish your health, your family, your friends & for me also my creativity. Sometimes we can take things a little too much for granted. Its only when they are gone you truly appreciate how much you miss them.
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I seem to have moved on mentally & felt completely comfortable with where I am with my life. When I started this journey I was shy, totally devoid of self esteem & confidence. One word one moron, one piece of transphobic abuse & I am not sure I could of coped & then there would have been no where to go. I have had many landmark moments in the last couple of years.
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There was a moment when I pressed a send button to tell my best friend which burst the bubble I had been trying so hard to exist in. There was another when I pushed the same button to send my funds to Belgium for my facial feminisation surgery 18th Dec 2007. From that point on there was no going back. Thankfully I have never ever wanted to & as I did not have a choice there would have been no point. Having the facial feminisation surgery with Dr Dussen on January 23rd 2008 was one of the best decisions of my life & has helped so much with my sense of self & made my transition considerably easier. At the time I had received an unrequested diagnosis by a person who was supposed to be supportive suggesting if I had FFS before my GRS I was clearly not TS. I always needed & intended to have GRS but as no one was going to see that part of my body while I was transitioning I wanted to give myself the best chance of successfully living my life the way I felt was right for me. How I wish that Facial feminisation surgery was considered a primary part of the treatment for all NHS patients with my condition, so that if they felt they needed it, they too could have the mental well being & benefits it provides to our daily lives.
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I had been out for a lovely meal with a dear friend on the previous Thursday & was so sorry to read a day or so later on her blog about the cruel behaviour she some times has to endure. I have been so fortunate to finally just be able to go out & about & generally be treated like anyone else with respect. For a time when I took my Mum & Dad out to celebrate my Mums birthday I was hyper sensitive that some bigot might hurl some abuse & ruin the special day for my Mum. I would still be upset if I was on my own if I received abuse but I am stronger now & providing I was not in a vulnerable situation be able to stand up for myself. I have as much right to be who I am & be where I want to be as anyone else. I never ever expected to be able to feel that way, not from where I started out confidence wise.
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We had a lovely meal out & went to see an art exhibition. Gradually as I have got my life back on track after my referral for funding for GRS was originally rejected a year to the very day I had my FFS on 23rd January 2009, out of the ensuing angst, I had begun to rediscover my creativity. Now like a creative chameleon I just seemed to blend in with my surroundings. This was such a magical moment not just for me but also my parents. I have totally reconnected with the creative part of me that had shut down nearly three years ago. I could see & feel, my emotions finally allowed me to reach inside & let me find that creativity once more. I love oil painting but had been too scared to go there for so long. Now I cannot put my brush down. Where there was once only GD there is now a creative energy that is driving me & I just love feeling like this.
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The day after my Mums birthday I went off to work at the hospital in a lovely state of mind. I had another super day apart from one moment when a childhood friend appeared with his new wife & very young baby. We had known each other from the age of six until I was about 22 years old. I had actually dated his sister. OMG I was sat at a desk 10 feet away from them with a name tag prominently displaying my name. He glanced across at me & there was not one sign of recognition. I was unsure what to say or do. They were there for their baby that was all that mattered. There little child thankfully appeared ok & their visit was a routine one but at that moment when my past collided with my present was quite surreal. I had a very busy productive day. I spent a great evening at an art class & carried on painting late into the night. My brushes were on fire.

On the Wednesday I set off for work again at the hospital. I have been stepping up my work experience & really enjoying being back at work. I was the happiest I had ever felt in my life about going to work that fateful morning. As I was driving I was vaguely aware of an old car in my driver’s rear view mirror & as the traffic in front of me slowed I reacted. The guy driving behind me kept on going. In a moment, all the confidence, all my vanity went out of the window as the car behind slammed into me. I was ok & was fully conscious. I was in shock & felt sick. Time stood still until the lady in the car in front of me which I had been shunted into during the impact, started banging on the window. My wig was perched on my nose & it must have looked like my head had come off to this poor woman. My neck was really stiff but it could have been so much worse if we had been travelling over thirty miles per hour. Thankfully no one was seriously hurt. If my beloved parents or my little dog had been sat with me I shudder to think what may have happened. Both our cars appear to be write offs. I managed to drive on to the hospital to work but was too shaken & advised to go to A & E but I did not want to waste their time. I agreed I would at least see my GP for a check up. My neck became stiffer & my GP sent me back to the very same hospital I had been attempting to work at. I was treated brilliantly & thoroughly looked after. I had only suffered a minor whiplash injury. Pride certainly comes before a fall.
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My insurance company wanted me to seek compensation for the injury & quickly swung into action. I did want any fuss & was just eager to get back to building my new life.
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I am recovering well & fortunately not been too frustrated. I have since been busy at the local zoo over Easter helping to raise nearly another thousand pounds for Cheetahs thanks to the generosity of our visitors. I have had another job offer to help out as a receptionist one day a week, since then. I had another traumatic incident which I pray has a happy ending for a dear friend. I have received some brilliant help from our police force. I have met up with some wonderful friends. My dear Dads footbal team won which cheered him up. We even had some sunshine. I have had a super Easter & finished my first oil painting in three years.

Right now like the Tiger in my painting I am on top of the world, hanging on tight, enjoying the views. I just want to make sure I do not let this feeling escape, so shhhhhhhhh please, do not tell anyone, as it only takes a moment in time!
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The mantra"Plan for tomorrow but live for today" has never felt more true.
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While this post evolves very much around my own little world, my thoughts & prayers are with those dear souls who were caught up in the earthquake tragedy in Italy.
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I hope life has been kind to you.
Take care.
Drive safely.
Love
Debbie