Saturday 22 August 2009

In to the light















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These are two oil paintings which are inspired by the journey of life, we are all on. They reflect my life experiences since I have finally been able to live my life true to my heART.
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The young tiger cub painting is called "Spirit of adventure".
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The cheetah cub painting is my most recent & is called "In to the light".
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How we react to life’s challenges, how we learn from our experiences is reflected in our spirit. I have been so grateful & blessed to have such a wonderful family & friends who have helped me to feel more alive than ever before. You have all been so generous to share your spirit with me.

From far & wide, all over the world, your “Spirit of adventure” has helped me to keep climbing, to push my boundaries & do the best I possibly can. The little tiger cub is reaching out for his dream, exploring his new world. Where ever you look you can see inspiration & my life has been so enriched by sharing your lives. I could list so many of you but true friends do not have to list all the things they do for each other.

As we progress through life's rich challenges it can feel like we are coming out from the darkness “In to the light”. That is very much how it has felt for me most of this year. The little cheetah cub was bathed in the late November sun which was setting low in the sky, some two year ago. I shared the magical experience with a dear friend called Anne who has since had major neck & back surgery, & two knee replacements. I have never heard her complain. She is always devoting her time for others. She will be with me there again this coming week. I will be by her side working with her. Her courage, her compassion, her creative genius but most all her remarkable spirit is an inspiration to so many, as you are!

The two paintings are my first oil paintings for nearly three years & all I have had time to paint such has been this incredibly busy year. It is now time for our annual art wildlife exhibition again. I am supposed to be helping get it all ready over the next 3-4 days. I was not sure if I would be well enough to even attend this year. It used to be such a joy such a haven. Your kind words have helped pull me through.

I have fallen behind & been rather reluctant in inviting friends to come along. I am not sure if it is the right kind of atmosphere. I am a little unsure if I will be able to survive all the emotions but recently my spirit has began to glow again. My parents are going to try to attend but even they have been put off by recent events. The gender stuff has not been a problem at all, it is the other circumstances involving friendships which have been so complicated & caused so much unnecessary upset.

It is sometimes easy for me as a person whose life is in transition to believe that I am the same person, even though I am undergoing great change. Nothing necessarily stays the same for anyone. I failed to appreciate that during life, in my case during my sometimes all consuming transition, other people/friends, family can all change too. We all have our own lives to live.

I had a lovely time meeting Jo at the exhibition last year. I wish you could all come along.

It is so important to find time for family & loved ones. My thoughts are with dear Alan who has sadly suffered the loss of his dear Auntie Frances. His recent blog post is so poignant.

My thoughts are also with my dear friend Denise who is having her GRS this morning. I hope it brings peace where once was conflict & that she heals really quickly.

I actually made a little progress with my best friend yesterday. Just a little step forward. I am not counting my chickens but there is always hope for the future

Thank you for being such a good friends. Time after time your kindness has reached out & touched my heart. Thank you for the inspiration.

God bless you.
((((((((((((((peaceful thoughts))))))))))
Lots of love
Debbie

Monday 17 August 2009

A different perspective

I fit differently into the world now. It just seems to have happened without me realising. It is the most wonderful feeling yet also it had become so ordinary I had begun almost to take it for granted. It feels so right. What does seem to have changed is how I feel the world perceives me.

I thankfully am also beginning to see the world through different eyes now. Recently those eyes have been temporally blurred by depression caused by heartache. Even if the emotions feel extreme they are in glorious colour. Nothings drab anymore. You also get to appreciate the simple pleasures in life.

I have still been struggling with my broken heart recently & feeling rather melancholy. My self esteem had taken a bit of a battering. Sometimes a woman has to pick herself up. Put on a happy face & be ready for new experiences, ready for change. Special thanks go to two friends who have recently helped rebuild my shattered confidence.

I went back over recent events looking for positives & began to see just how improved my life had actually become. My glass has actually been a lot more than half full even during times I had actually felt rather blue.

When I had reversed my parent’s new car into a pillar at the hospital I became upset & emotional. There was a big dent, scratches & yellow paint from the pillar all over the rear wing but it was not the materialistic damage I was really worried about. I had been very worried about my Mums reaction especially her health but she was fine. The nurses I worked with did what nurses do & were absolute Angels to me, when I went into shock & burst into tears. Their comforting words & a sugary cup of tea saved the day. My Mum & Dad were only concerned for my health not their new car when I told them what I had done.

When I took the car back to the dealership to assess the damage I needlessly thought I may have the mickey taken out of me by the manager who had sold it to us. He was a real blokey bloke kind of a guy. Our interaction was so different to how it would have been in my previous existence. He had a real rugged physical presence & was very attractive. When I had previously been out for a test drive before we bought the car, one of the other car salesman had made some cheeky chauvinistic comments about my lack of driving abilities when I parked. What I received from the manager was kindness personified. He was a real gentleman. Mum & I were asked to sit down in reception & he said he would take the car away & see what he could do. Fifteen minutes later he came back with all the paintwork cleaned & repaired the dents were barely visible. He did not even charge us. We exchanged hugs before leaving. Mum & I were stunned we thought it would have cost a fortune. We were so grateful we went off to buy a gift for his new born child, a nice cuddly toy, as a thank you.

When I went back to work the following week the nursing & admin staff were even more supportive of me. I really felt part of the team but more than that I felt at ease with who they accepted me to be. My parents, the car salesman & the hospital staff had all treated me as a woman. At least that's what it felt like to me. Perhaps I will never really know?What I do know is all the time I was just me. The male mask I had for so long felt forced to have to carry was a very very distant memory. This posting is deliberately sugar coated as I am trying deliberately to look from a different perspective at recent events which made me feel blue. The real world may not always be this sweet. When I think of my recent set backs which have knocked me sideways they pale into insignificance compared with those many friends face on this journey.

Later in the week Mum & I had belatedly gone out to get my Birthday present. I had been too sad to get anything beforehand. In the first shop we went in a pretty salmon coloured jacket in my favourite Per Una section of the shop was calling me from a good 50 yards away. It fitted perfectly but we had to be sure. Mum & I had the terrible task of going round at least half a dozen more shops, trying different styles, matching shoes etc. Mum found a lipstick she liked but they only appeared to have the tester left. While she walked away disconsolately I was able to get help from a sales girl & together we discussed lipsticks. Eventually she took down a display just to find the last one in the shop. Mums face was a picture of pleasure when I handed her the lippy as a gift. I We shared a coffee together to take the weight of our feet & after much discussion we agreed I should go right back to the original shop. That jacket clearly already had my name on it from the first moment I saw it.

My visit to the local hospital to see the consultant who had referred me for my GRS went really well. Beforehand I had been really worried my broken heart may get the better of me but again he was great. I had made a big effort after a sleepless night & put on my best summer dress & a big happy smile to impress him. He was lovely. When I phoned home to reassure my parents everything was ok they were so pleased I was still on track for my surgery yet they struggled with the concept of me wearing a dress, bless them.

Later that day I took my Mum to the doctors. She was with her GP a long time & I started to worry. My poor Mum had actually opened up to her own GP as to what had been behind her recent anxiety & panic attacks. For the first time in her life at the tender age of over eighty having known since 1996 of my condition she talked at length to her own doctor about her daughter. She told me it felt like a great weight had been lifted for her. It is so hard for my parents who come from a different generation to come to terms with my future but this was a huge breakthrough for her.

It is so difficult to take our loved ones on this journey. September brings another big challenge. Mum & I will be travelling to Brighton together next month to see the hospital where I wil be having my GRS. Liz Hills the amazing lead nurse there as if by telepathy sent me a very kind e-mail asking me to get in touch as she knew things could get quite difficult for all of us as the operation approaches. I hope this will help my Mums anxiety in the days ahead but she may not see it that way. I will leave it entirely up to her right down to the day to see if she still wants to go.

As I left my home on Sunday I meet up with my neighbours. We had a lovely chat. I have invited them to our annual art exhibition. One was very interested in buying one of my paintings even before it goes on display. Another neighbour recently generously put a delightful Rose bush in a pot to the side of my front door. I came back later to find her Mum kindly watering it & we had another lovely chat. It only seems five minutes ago I had to sneak out of my door when I was going through the very difficult stage of living dual role. Big hugs go to a friend who reads this blog, who is dealing with the very demanding balancing act of living dual role at this time. The stress I feel now is minuscule compared to how I felt in my previous existence when I was perceived as a male just because of my body & a certain birth defect. Life is so different for me now.

When I visited my parents this weekend it was a warm sunny day & our doggy wanted to play in the garden. Again it only seems a short while ago when I could not do this simple pleasure. Two years ago I took some photo’s in the garden while my parents were away on holiday, of me as Debbie with our doggy. (see the photo above) I took them to try to reassure them when they were ready to accept my need to transition, I would not look like a drag queen. In those days I could only go so far out into the back garden for fear of my parent’s neighbours seeing me. Now we can play in the garden any where we like. Come & go as we please.

Life is being kind to me. It could certainly be a whole lot worse. It is the right journey for me & even if I could turn back now, it is not something that is an option or something which has ever crossed my mind. It helps so much to see the world from a different perspective.

May your week be kind to you.
Love
Debbie

Thursday 13 August 2009

Will I be happy, will I be sad?

My date for gender re-alignment surgery in November draws ever closer. A good friend of mine called Denise is about to have her surgery in the next week or two. I am so pleased for her. I wish her well & hope the surgery brings everything she dreams for.
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The emotions she is going through must be so intense. Trying to deal with them all with clarity, even with a lifetimes internal conflict cannot be easy. I am three months away from where she is. Thinking of my friend has caused me to take stock of how I feel now. It will be interesting to see how they compare with my feelings a week or two before my surgery.
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Right now that part of my body which requires surgery just feels dead. I dislike it. It makes me sad that it caused so much conflict in me & for my family. I do not intensely dislike that area of me. Subconsciously those feelings seemed hidden away in a box with the key throne away. I have for years tried not to think about that part of me. Now as time draws closer to having my birth defect corrected it causes me to think about matters I had blocked out since puberty. Some of its good some of it…………. I had so much pain down their as a child it scarred me for life.
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I cannot bare anyone seeing that part of me. The hair removal process required prior to surgery has been very traumatic for me especially when it first started. For a time it is becoming the unwanted focus of my life. Memories from my childhood come back to haunt me. Images of doctors poking & prodding just as they did to me as a child & adolescent, fill me with dread. Visions of a life long dream of correcting a wrong, a birth defect that has blighted me & my family’s life for eternity fill me with hope. Is that euphoria or the dreams of a mad woman, trapped in an alien body?
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How do we survive the first two months post op? I guess as crazy as it sounds at first by surviving all the emotions you feel in that 6 weeks prior to surgery, as a result of the enormity of the life changing surgery we are undertaking, combined with the hi octane of dealing with coming off hormone therapy. I am really frightened of the mood swing that starvation of hormones I have had in my body for over twelve years will bring. I wonder if there is anything I can take to ease the trauma? Herbal remedy or magic potion, anything that may help.
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I will have to try to cope one day at a time. I want to keep busy as long as I can. Try to keep working & occupying my mind right up until the last days before my surgery. At the same time not biting any ones head off. I have lost enough friends already!
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The first 12 hours after FFS were the most uncomfortable of my life. That took over 11 hours of surgery. By comparison 3-4 hours for such a life changing/affirming operation as GRS seems incredible. I got through the initial post FFS stage by imagining myself some time in the future, some where else, I will try that again. I have not had any doubts the surgery is right for me but there is no euphoria as such at the moment. There is a huge gratitude & appreciation I have the opportunity to correct a defect from my birth that has blighted my life. We would not be human if we were not a little scared.
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For me this is all about my gender conflict nothing to do with my sexuality. Relationships other than those involving deep friendship have not really been something I have ever been able to consider. I am a virgin & quite possibly will remain so. As Bob they were never an option. With body & mind finally in sync who knows what my future may hold.
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How will I feel afterwards? I honestly do not know. I do feel like this has always been my destiny. It equally does not feel like a miracle cure all. Should it be? It is not going to take away all of my problems. It is not suddenly going to make me a woman, I have always felt I was a woman. Yet I wonder will my dysphoria have completely died to a point I feel at peace once this surgery is complete? This surgery feels like it goes much deeper than just body image to me.
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Will this surgery correct a wrong; will this solidify how I fit into the world? Will I feel on a bad day I am a manufactured freak or at total peace, all conflict reconciled? How will it feel when we come through the other side of this? Will there be emptiness, will there be joy? My heart & my soul believe they will be smiling.
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I worry about the recovery period. How incapacitated I will be. How it will or will not all function. The pain. How it will all settle down. Will I have some numbness, loss of feeling as I have been left with from my facial surgery? There are all kinds of unknowns all kinds of risks yet I am driving on with blind faith. I think I am entitled to be a little nervous but still there is no doubt where I need to be.
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Most of all I am frightened of the impact on my elderly parents health. I am an only child, their carer & to them still their son. This is me finally mutilating & destroying the last vestiges of Bob. How is that going to feel for them? How are they going to cope at their tender years? How selfish am I to put them through all this? What if the strain causes them life threatening health problems? How are they going to be able to look after themselves & our doggy while I am laid up? As the day gets closer to my surgery the anxiety my parents feel will grow greater. My poor Mum has already recently had to start taking anti-depressants to cope. My Dad grows ever more tired. Can I really put them through this? I tried sacrificing my life for them & failed but am I heartless enough to relentlessly push on with my dream while their nightmare becomes a reality, that may drain them of their life force? We have to as a family work together on this. We are all trying our best but we seem powerless to fight our true nature.
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We should not wish our lives away but I wish the surgery & healing process were all over just the same. Then I could begin to truly immerse myself in my new life. At first the practical things in life & then if it happens who knows one day a relationship with a soul mate. I want to be able to pay my way in life again & get a part time job. For those having surgery who are in paid work it must also be such a worry. For those women who are in employment or running a business, they cannot know for sure what they are coming back to. I have great faith in them all to succeed. A recession is not the best of time to be going through transition yet we have all gained more strength of character than we perhaps ever dreamed we could.
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All of this, all of these questions yet it still feels right for me. It is part of my nature it was always part of my make up, my DNA, life force, what ever drives this, that was always going to lead to this day. What will be will be.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrcTo my dear friend Denise but also to all of you who kindly read this blog
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"May your God be with you & you find peace where once was conflict".
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Love
Debbie

Sunday 9 August 2009

Forgiveness

I have been so inspired by our friends. So many have an incredible heart & spirit. An ability to keep going. We all have so much within us we are yet to discover. Each day in adversity brings new challenges, new opportunities for us to grow.
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My beloved Mum has been becoming increasingly anxious as I have struggled to deal with my reaction to the failing of my friendship with my best friend. I simply could not control my emotions. The last thing I wanted to do was cause Mum more anxiety. We were in effect feeding each others fears & worries. I was so selfishly obsessed by my pain I had let it take over my life.
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There was a very wise comment on a television programme recently which made me realise where I had been going so wrong. The quote went something like
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"Learn from your pain, but try not to let it be your master".
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The long period of grieving I had felt at losing the special friendship I once had with my friend turned for a time into anger. Anger at myself for reacting as I did, which made my Mum ill. Frustration at not being able to deal with my own emotions. I also very briefly felt anger towards the other parties involved especially as my pleas for help as I knew my resulting depression was making me ill & this was causing my Mum to worry, were not fully appreciated.
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Perhaps my willingness to forgive & try to move on was instrumental in the misunderstanding that caused so much pain for so many people I love so dearly. Just because you forgive it does not mean you necessarily forget. Far from it. I intensely dislike any conflict & just want everyone to be happy. That Utopian view is something which will always remain just a dream.
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The anger was I guess a natural part of the healing process & went quickly, but the message was clear. From that moment I was able to control my emotions, let go of the grief & move on a little. Sometimes we have to prioritise where to use our emotional energy. I am very forgiving & my dear friends must have far more important things than me, something really worrying them, to behave so out of character. I wish them well. I will always love them.
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It was only last Monday I found out quite how ill Mum was becoming, when I took her to the doctors. This was to be an eclectic moment during which I found clarity; I found guidance & self belief through my faith & by life's many challenges. Mum thankfully seemed to be generally improving now.
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I thought we had both turned a corner & then bang I managed to reverse my parent’s new car into a pillar at the hospital on Tuesday. I was so frightened of how my Mum was going to cope. Being so vulnerable I feared this would be the final straw but she was remarkable. Calmness personified. She was only concerned for me not the car. She forgave me, as did my Dad & they both offered their unconditional love. Mum & I subsequently shared a magical days clothes shopping together. Friday I met the surgeon who did my Facial Feminisation Surgery in London & had a great session with my counselor. My Mum is still very vulnerable but there was I hope more peace in our hearts.
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My parents health is of paramount importance to me. I am also due to have a very important meeting with the consultant psychiatrist who kindly referred me for surgery this Monday at my local hospital to further confirm my suitability mentally for my surgery. Had I been scheduled a week or so ago when I was still really struggling even though it was nothing to do with my gender issues or surgery who knows what may have happened.
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We can learn from our pain, at least the mental pain. Physical pain must be so much more difficult & I cannot begin to imagine how you deal with that. What we do share is the knowledge we are not alone in this world. Angels are every where!
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I hope my beloved family can forgive me for the all the anguish I have caused.
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To all my friends I have failed to stay in touch with or have sent confusing messages to, especially recently, please forgive me. I will never forget you.
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If you have faced up to a huge challenge & have re found your faith in yourself you have also found a truly remarkable spirit. You Rock! Dig deep my friends.
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You are doing the best you possibly can & you are inspiring others too, especially me.
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Big (((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) & ((((((((Peaceful thoughts)))))))))
Have a good week
Take care
Love
Debbie
PS I wrote this after receiving a sweet message from Karen who reads this blog. You are all Angels to me!

Wednesday 5 August 2009

Keeping faith

I had a very special birthday recently. It was significant because it should be my last before the birth defect which has caused me & my family so many traumas is finally corrected but also very poignantly in me finding peace through my faith.
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I am so grateful to finally be approaching my GRS. I will not actually believe it, until it finally happens & I wake up afterwards in the recovery room. It will offer me some unimaginable completeness physically yet will I ever be truly happy? Is anyone ever truly happy with their body, their appearance? No, not very often! Very few of us can live an airbrushed life. For me it is not about that, it goes much deeper below my skin. It is about reconciling pain, quietening a dysphoric voice that had become a scream which necessitated great changes to my life. It will no doubt bring significant emotional change but for me it does not signify the end of my transition. In a way this now rapidly approaching part of my journey feels like a rebirth, a new beginning but in reality is just another process we need to go throw. All be it, a huge, exciting & scary process. I will always be learning about my place in this world.
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During the early hours of my birthday I had so much going on in my head I had trouble sleeping & awoke three times crying/wallowing in self pity due to recent events with my best friend, at what I had lost, rather than all the wonderful things I have in my life, of which my beloved family & friends are so important. At three o'clock in the morning of my birthday I found myself praying for guidance, some clarity & peace of mind. I longed to be able to do the right thing for my family, for me & also for all the kind friends who have stayed with me on this journey. I had completely lost faith in myself & my self esteem had been hitting rock bottom. I had been making some very wrong decissions.
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I have never felt myself to be deeply religious even though I had been bought up a Catholic. I had even lost my faith at one point in my early twenties when I became overwhelmed with guilt & self hatred for ever angst ridden asking ”why me lord, why me?”
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Since I found myself accepting I finally needed to transition I have found my journey to be very spiritual. Being able to be True to your heart is the most uplifting experience. Many of us who find ourselves on this path share common experiences but have completely different lives. How we manage the immense changes many of which we have no control over or had no idea would happen, shape us as human beings. We feel so vulnerable, experience huge surges of uncontrollable emotions. We so often end up hurting those we love the most in this world. We get knocked down so many times but we find the faith to keep getting back up & grow in strength with each challenge we face. Now my soul feels more alive than ever before.
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As I prayed for guidance during the darkest part of my birthday morning a mystical calmness came over me & although my poor Dad had something of a coughing fit soon after which worried me I finally got to sleep. When I awoke the skies were blue. For an English summer this was something of a miracle in its self. My Dad was already up making breakfast. He played "Happy birthday" to me on his electronic organ. Our sweet little dog would not leave me alone. Mum was full of joy. I had some lovely cards to open! There really was Sunshine in my heart.
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We went for a family walk along the river. Usually it’s just Dad, the dog & I but this time Mum came to. It was glorious. We just strolled along together bathed in the morning sun. We met some friends & chatted. We stopped to relax & watch the world go by. Not a dysphoric cloud in sight. My vision un-blurred by depression, for the first time in recent weeks. Acknowledged & accepted by all who saw us as just any other family out for a walk. A Mum, a Dad, their daughter & her doggy sharing cherished moments. We are so lucky. If we could have gone any where in the world, & I could have had the most expensive presents imaginable it could not compare to this simple pleasure, this wonderful priceless gift was free, the greatest gift of all!

Originally we had planned to go out for the day to Christchurch some thirty miles away & perhaps have a meal out. Instead we stayed at home. Unfortunately Dads knee was playing up again & he had a sore throat, so we all ended up resting & enjoying our own company. We managed to get through copious amounts of Strawberry Gateaux & ice cream! We then went for another lovely walk in the evening Sun. It can be a wonderful life, if you have faith!
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May your God always be with you.
May you always have faith in yourself.
Much Love
Debbie