Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Keeping faith

I had a very special birthday recently. It was significant because it should be my last before the birth defect which has caused me & my family so many traumas is finally corrected but also very poignantly in me finding peace through my faith.
I am so grateful to finally be approaching my GRS. I will not actually believe it, until it finally happens & I wake up afterwards in the recovery room. It will offer me some unimaginable completeness physically yet will I ever be truly happy? Is anyone ever truly happy with their body, their appearance? No, not very often! Very few of us can live an airbrushed life. For me it is not about that, it goes much deeper below my skin. It is about reconciling pain, quietening a dysphoric voice that had become a scream which necessitated great changes to my life. It will no doubt bring significant emotional change but for me it does not signify the end of my transition. In a way this now rapidly approaching part of my journey feels like a rebirth, a new beginning but in reality is just another process we need to go throw. All be it, a huge, exciting & scary process. I will always be learning about my place in this world.
During the early hours of my birthday I had so much going on in my head I had trouble sleeping & awoke three times crying/wallowing in self pity due to recent events with my best friend, at what I had lost, rather than all the wonderful things I have in my life, of which my beloved family & friends are so important. At three o'clock in the morning of my birthday I found myself praying for guidance, some clarity & peace of mind. I longed to be able to do the right thing for my family, for me & also for all the kind friends who have stayed with me on this journey. I had completely lost faith in myself & my self esteem had been hitting rock bottom. I had been making some very wrong decissions.
I have never felt myself to be deeply religious even though I had been bought up a Catholic. I had even lost my faith at one point in my early twenties when I became overwhelmed with guilt & self hatred for ever angst ridden asking ”why me lord, why me?”
Since I found myself accepting I finally needed to transition I have found my journey to be very spiritual. Being able to be True to your heart is the most uplifting experience. Many of us who find ourselves on this path share common experiences but have completely different lives. How we manage the immense changes many of which we have no control over or had no idea would happen, shape us as human beings. We feel so vulnerable, experience huge surges of uncontrollable emotions. We so often end up hurting those we love the most in this world. We get knocked down so many times but we find the faith to keep getting back up & grow in strength with each challenge we face. Now my soul feels more alive than ever before.
As I prayed for guidance during the darkest part of my birthday morning a mystical calmness came over me & although my poor Dad had something of a coughing fit soon after which worried me I finally got to sleep. When I awoke the skies were blue. For an English summer this was something of a miracle in its self. My Dad was already up making breakfast. He played "Happy birthday" to me on his electronic organ. Our sweet little dog would not leave me alone. Mum was full of joy. I had some lovely cards to open! There really was Sunshine in my heart.
We went for a family walk along the river. Usually it’s just Dad, the dog & I but this time Mum came to. It was glorious. We just strolled along together bathed in the morning sun. We met some friends & chatted. We stopped to relax & watch the world go by. Not a dysphoric cloud in sight. My vision un-blurred by depression, for the first time in recent weeks. Acknowledged & accepted by all who saw us as just any other family out for a walk. A Mum, a Dad, their daughter & her doggy sharing cherished moments. We are so lucky. If we could have gone any where in the world, & I could have had the most expensive presents imaginable it could not compare to this simple pleasure, this wonderful priceless gift was free, the greatest gift of all!

Originally we had planned to go out for the day to Christchurch some thirty miles away & perhaps have a meal out. Instead we stayed at home. Unfortunately Dads knee was playing up again & he had a sore throat, so we all ended up resting & enjoying our own company. We managed to get through copious amounts of Strawberry Gateaux & ice cream! We then went for another lovely walk in the evening Sun. It can be a wonderful life, if you have faith!
May your God always be with you.
May you always have faith in yourself.
Much Love


Lucy Melford said...

Ah, the simplest pleasures mean the most and last longest in the memory. Apart from the dog, which we didn't have, your description of the birthday breakfast and sunny stroll have stirred many a recollection of my own Mum and Dad in years past! The stroll would probably have been at Mudeford, or Rhinefield in the New Forest, rather than by the Itchen, but otherwise the same. So glad you enjoyed your birthday! May the happiness continue: perhaps an angel has now been assigned to your case, and all will go perfectly over the next few months. As likely as not, if you believe in angels.

Funny how prayer helps. As you know, I, the Great Unbeliever, prayed for my Dad in Kentisbeare church recently. I was later asked, who was I praying to? I felt it didn't matter: I was obeying an inner urge, instictively doing something that would make me feel close to Dad. Surely the precise theology can be set aside when you simply want to speak from the heart.

I think you are right about transition not ending when you get home after the op. I am anyway eager to follow how it goes for you - as, I imagine, are very many of the blogging community!

Karen said...

A beautiful post. Nothing much else I can say except it's uplifting and a joy to read.
Karen x

Anji said...

It was a lovely post. Your birthday was a simple one and like you say much better thatn expensive gifts and all the rest. I'm so pleased for you.

I'm always struck by the quiet faith all of my 'transitioning' friends have. A reminder that everyone should count their blessings.

Jess H said...

I'm so pleased you had a nice day - you deserve it :)

Micky J said...

What a wonderful account xxx
You are so fortunate to have loving friends & family who you can share your truely amazing experiences with xxx