A return to Eden?

Time seems to have flown by. I am now three months post op and looking forward to the future. For so long I dwelled on my past, existing in stasis, never believing some one so lacking in confidence and self esteem as me would one day get as far as being able to finally live my dreams.

My 12 weeks post op appointment in Brighton last month proved to be a very emotional thought provoking experience.

GRS was important and right for me but not the holly grail, part of a new beginning, a very necessary procedure to correct a birth defect not an end.

The journey we may take to get there is a precarious one especially with our clarity of thought to see the right path to take clouded by stress, dysphoria and the resulting ill health that can bring. What we need to do, the changes we feel we need to make to our lives and their effect on our relationships with our loved ones, our families, friends and colleagues, our careers, our ability to make a living and support our families often bring so much heartache. Sometimes not getting what we wish for can be a blessing as so much of the consequences of what we feel we need to do once done can never ever go back to the way they once were. Unfortunately for many this is not a choice or a lifestyle, equally some cannot make the changes they need to. No ones path is right or wrong, bigger or better. We are people not labels! I felt the pace of my transition took for ever but changes only really happened successfully when I was ready and from my humble experience you know when you get to this point. I found others stories inspirational and once you begin to make little changes you can get swept along by the successes of others. May be too quickly and perhaps the author of those successes chooses not to tell you the bad bits. Its not a race and ideally it has to be what is right for you.

Our aspirations for any surgical procedures we undertake require a lot of soul searching and very careful research. The convalescence period can take quite a while before you begin to feel anything like how you used to and can give you plenty, perhaps too much time to reflect on all you have gained and all you have lost along the way.

Just as I struggled with my creativity regarding my painting I have found myself blocked from blogging lately. Partly due to devoting my time to caring for my parents, building my new life, lack of access to a computer but also lacking confidence in what I should or should not write. I feel very conscious of how lucky I am and how fortunate I have been in so many ways. I always try to write from the heart and be truthful. I have lived in the shadow of depression for so long I now feel more able to look on the positive side. Does that make my view too sugar coated? I still get anxious feel frightened and aware of my history for depression but I no longer want those feelings to control and define me as well as bore friends rigid.

The reality of life’s challenges occasionally continue to drag me back into the darkness but my life is unquestionably infinitely better than it would have been had I not accepted the changes I felt I needed to make. GRS was never going to be a miracle cure for all my insecurities and anxiety issues. In truth it has not entirely removed all symptoms of my gender dysphoria. As my energy levels improved and circumstances allow I have found myself finally able to live my life relatively dysphoria free but there remains a baggage we seem forced to still carry which society and our own perhaps excessive self analysis never let us forget.

With some friends who may read this blog facing difficult times regarding loved ones or approaching or experiencing surgery I have found it really difficult to share my experiences in case they prejudice their expectations, upset them by increasing their fears or by glossing over the bad experiences not forewarning them of what could lay ahead. We all have such different complex lives, different emotions and needs as well as pain levels etc I really value the friendships I have made here with you.

How different our experiences can be with one surgeon and the same medical team using the same hospital was bought home to me by the patients in the waiting room to see Mr Thomas the surgeon, clinic. For me the outcome of the surgery remains a life affirming experience. There has been a lot of fatigue, a few hormonal mood swings and physical uncomfortableness. Perhaps a little more pain than I have chosen to disclose here but for me a process that was no where near as daunting or painful as I expected and trust me I am a coward when it comes to pain. The saying “no sense no feeling” springs to mind! A consequence of any surgery may be that you do not recover all feeling. I still have numbness in a small part of my lower lip from my facial feminisation surgery in Jan 2008 which is now unlikely ever to return and other aspects were not perfect but my expectations of how the surgery may help me were realistic and achieved. The surgeon Dr van der Dussen had a very poor canvas on which to work, the wrong shape and texture! Could he have done more or a better job? Do I wish he had been able to do more? Yes but perhaps more out of vanity and how much I could afford than dysphoria. I am still happy with the results. Regarding my recent GRS lets just say I have been very fortunate not to experience very much pain but there is also so far absolutely no feeling in certain personal aspects of the surgery I do not wish to disclose here. I am still very very happy with my surgery and the care I have received. I was reassuringly told they have more problems with complicated hernias than they do with GRS but if you are one of the unlucky ones its of little comfort.

The Nuffield Hospital Brighton feels like "a smile factory" to me. I still have to pinch myself to believe that I too had that post op smile beaming brightly. The drive to Brighton sharing a beautiful sunset with Mum felt like I was returning to a kind of Eden but occasionally sometimes as the story goes that apple can be poisoned and the outcome very painful. You can never tell quite how you are going to react to each aspect of the procedure.

The patients attending Mr Thomas evening clinic comprised of one lady who was there with her partner, who gleefully told me she was really happy with her surgery and even knew exactly how many days it was since she had her surgery. Another lady appeared in terrible discomfort and could barely walk. My heart went out to her. A Mum arrived with her very young looking daughter. The young lady appeared as any other genetic female of her tender years and perhaps that was the case but either way she was attending Mr Thomas clinic that night. They may well have suffered at the insensitive hands of the journalists who chose to cruelly sensationalise their story. She looked as though she may have been on some form of puberty blocking treatment which delay the ravages that testosterone can have on our bodies until she was of an age where she could be sure or legally be able to have surgery. I would be lying if I said I did not feel a tinge of regret or envy at not having had the opportunity or in truth been ready to have the surgery when I was her age.

I was sat there all smiles but frightened of what they might need to do to me at the appointment. Being so blessed to still have my Mum alongside me; supporting me after all she had been through recently meant so much to me. My Dad had kindly offered to come if she was too poorly to have made it as he did not want me going alone. With a life time of trying to deal with a transgender daughter with what had for so long been the limited knowledge/beliefs and understanding from a bygone age. For them both to have found themselves in the hell of denial for a dozen or more years to be offering the level of acceptance and unconditional love they do now and for me to cherish everyday with them is simply incredible and way beyond my vocabulary.

I did require a remedial procedure involving the removal of some granulation tissue which had built up unknowingly to me as my body had tried to heal itself too quickly. I was very lucky it had developed in an area which did not cause me pain while dilating. The procedure was uncomfortable but I was able to drive home. It has set my progress back a little and been painful and tender for a while but not too bad. The news that the follow up appointment with Doctor Curtis the gender specialist who monitors my hormone treatment would be paid by Mr Thomas as Doctor Curtis referred me to him for GRS was welcome news. I am now ready to try to make my way in my new life. I read a very poignant reply by a compassionate and wise lady called Tess on Angels a UK transgender support forum regarding a woman who was very nervous about beginning her new life which I will post shortly.

I am on that edge, wings outstretched, ready to fly, very excited, a little frightened, separation anxiety regarding my devotion to my parents weighing heavily on my heart and conscious, not sure if I can deal with life’s really hard knocks having lived in such a safe familiar environment for so long but there is no regret no turning back now.

Lots of love
Debbie
PS many thanks to Anji for the lovely photo on the postcard above which she kindly sent to me. That lady reminds me of someone I know, who should be painting!

Drowning in fresh air

Life can change so quickly and can be full of the unexpected. Life had been going so well for me. My energy levels had begun to improve after 8 weeks. The discomfort and ocassional shooting pain from my surgery had settled down. Dilating had for the first 6 weeks been taking up what seemed so much of my day. I had just started venturing out & been enjoying short walks in the fresh air.

Just before Christmas my Mum had an allergic reaction to some medication that she had previously been fine with. She developed a very bad wheezy cough and shortness of breath within minutes of taking it. She did not want to make a fuss and begged us not to call an ambulance. I was torn what to do and so called her own doctor who arrived within minutes. He gave her antihistamines and steroid injections which almost certainly saved her life thanks to his prompt actions. We were so lucky, if she had been home on her own she may not have survived. He gave her a course of tablets for 3 days for her system to be clear of the medication which may have caused the problem, which he hoped would be successful.

We had a lovely Christmas together. Unfortunately the symptoms gradually came back once Mum finished her course of tablets and with the doctors closed over Christmas holidays she became steadily worse. We were up until the middle of the night for several nights and none of us could sleep with worry. Health problems particularly breathing always seem worse at night. With snow and ice on the ground we could not risk venturing out.

Thankfully the snow began to thaw a little and as soon as her doctor surgery reopened after the holidays we got to see him. We did not know what was happening to her. I felt so guilty and responsible for how my Mum was feeling. First my Dad was taken ill trying to do too much while I was unable to help him because of my operation, then my Mum was taken ill. She was getting really anxious about my surgery and I was afraid the strain had weakened her heart. We were all getting very frightened but tried in vain not to show it. The not knowing what was causing her symptoms was the worst bit.

Having to go out in the cold air to visit her doctor made her breathing even worse. When we arrived the patients in the waiting room appeared afraid she had swine flu. We were rushed in to see her doctor.

He surprised us by diagnosing asthma which usually occurs much earlier in life. It had been bought on by the side effects of a blood pressure tablet she had used for several years and the allergic reaction bought on the severe symptoms. He gave Mum a prescription for inhailers. As we were leaving because of the noise her chest was making the nursing staff stopped us in our tracks. They were so kind so helpful. Nothing was too much trouble. Mum told me she was terrified of going to hospital in case she picked up an infection in the wards. They gave her oxygen and special asthma medication. Thankfully she responded to treatment and we were able to return home.

As an Asthmatic from childhood I should have recognised the familiar signs. It was as though she was drowning in fresh air. I have been teaching Mum how to use inhalers morning and night. For a time she has had to learn how to breath again. I did not appreciate Asthma could develop in older people and never expected to have to go through this traumatic experience with her at this time in her life. Mum pulled through. She has survived a world war and been through far greater challenges.

She is doing really well now and using her inhalers just fine. So much so she is kindly accompanying me to Brighton today for my post op appointment with Mr Thomas. Nether of us ever dreamed we would make this journey together.

For our loved ones and ourselves, the guilt, the fear of the unknown can sometimes get too much and in panic it feels like we are drowning in a sea of love, always responsible for how the other is feeling. A miracle has happened for us. Our little family had been through such dark times together we now treasure every moment. We have reached a very emotional spiritual place where the ordinariness becomes so life affirming, so loud and yet so peaceful.




May life be kind to you.


Love


Debbie

Too Cold for Penguins!

The announcer on our local radio station suggested it was too cold for Penguins. Shortly afterwards this little penguin arrived at the bird bath in my parents back garden.

With his "Happy feet on" he delivered

"The warmest of wishes for my dear friend Nicky and also my Mum".

Please Get Well Soon.

Lots of love
Debbie xxxxxxxx

Keep on Climbing in 2010

For those of you facing challenges in the coming year may you keep on climbing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs the path that's right for you and may it lead to happiness.

Please if you can remember to enjoy the view as you go. There will come a time when you can break free from the dark clouds that sometimes gather and once more begin to appreciate the simple pleasures in life which are so important and are so often free but absolutely priceless.

From my humble experience I have found you have strength inside you, more you than you can perhaps ever imagine to achieve your hopes, your dreams, your goals.

You have so often lifted me onto your shoulders and supported me, just like the Ocelot cub in my painting with its Mum. I have been in a tranquil special place, my Christmas came early for me. Thanks to the love and understanding you have all shown to me, I have come into the light. The eloquent Lori D recent excellent posting http://lorisrevival.blogspot.com/2009/12/of-pink-clouds-pebbles-and-mountain.html mentions a pink cloud, the euphoric spiritual life affirming experience I have felt since my surgery.

Sadly in reality, life away from my misty pink clouds, the world can be a cruel place. So often endangered animals like the beautiful Ocelot in my painting are killed out of ignorance and selfish cruel needless stupidity. In their case for their skins so that ugly women can wear them, the Ocelots natural habitat destroyed by mankind. The painting reminds me of the wise words I heard at a talk given by one of my friends on "The Ark" Botswana's wildlife.

In the end, we conserve only what we love.
We only love what we understand.
We understand only what we are taught.

I have not had much time to access a computer in the last few months and have only fleetingly been able to catch up with our friends blogs. I was in hospital while many of my dear friends attended the transgendered day of remembrance http:///www.transgenderdor.org/?p=62 I recently caught up with Jo's blog and her very moving post about the tragic death of Andrea Waddell. She courageously found herself only to have her life so sadly taken. She was dearly loved and will be sadly missed. She had done all she could to live her dreams, to live a "respectable life", but out of ignorance society denied her the chance to live that life. God rest her soul.

Reading Andrea's story and the plight of the loved ones she left behind, moved me to tears and bought me down from my pink misty clouds with a bump. My thoughts turned to all of those who have tragically lost their lives in 2009 particularly those who have faced prejudice and ignorance while trying their best to do what they believed in, the innocent victims from all walks of life. Not just the transgendered , people such as the brave men and women solders who have sacrificed their lives so that we may be free and also the innocent civilians caught up in those conflicts.

Remembering these dear souls taught me a lot and reminded me how fortunate I am, how precious life is and how vulnerable we all are. How I wish we could all live together peacefully acknowledging and rejoicing in our differences, living in harmony, with love and understanding.

At this time of the year we all have our hopes and dreams for the year ahead.

Our journey through life, our climb may face many challenges in the future.

May your vision be clear & there be no limit to how far your heart can see in 2010.

Peace and Love
Debbie

Peace be with you

May Peace, joy and happiness be yours this Christmas.

With Angels (like you) for friends we are never alone.

Time after time you have reached out your hands to support us in our hours of need and touched our hearts.

May all your dreams come true in 2010.

God Bless you all
Love
Debbie

Thank you

Thank you so much for your kindness, your support, your friendship and your love.

The peace and happiness I have been blessed with since my gender affirmation surgery is beyond my humble vocabulary and so much more than I ever dreamed possible. I am not a deeply religious person but I have found this an incredibly spiritual experience.

It feels like I have been in hibernation for a while now. Its time to take a look outside. I have been thinking of you all, wondering how you were all doing, out there in the big wide world.

I have been overwhelmed by your compassionate and thoughtful postings on my blog while I have been away. The visits I have received, the phone calls, texts and emails. You have all melted my heart and lifted my spirits. That so many of you took this trouble when you have so many worries in your own lives, is something that I will always remember and be grateful for.

Please accept my apologies for not posting a response earlier, it has been really difficult for me to get to my home and access a computer and will remain this way for a little while yet as I continue to convalesce at my parents.

Special thanks to Nicky for updating my blog. My dear friend I hope your visit to the "Smile factory" in Brighton early next year, brings you everything you wish for.

I am thrilled with my surgery. I am still smiling. The staff at the hospital were absolutely brilliant. I have not been in any prolonged pain just a bit uncomfortable. Fatigue has been my biggest challenge. I lost quite a bit of blood in hospital (bleeding from my urethra) but I have been reassured my levels were ok when I left hospital and that I am not likely to feel anything like my normal energy levels for a minimum of 8 weeks. Dilating three times a day is going well but beginning to feel very time consuming. I have recently developed a puberty like complexion which has required a course of antibiotics and the wearing of a paper bag on my head if I venture outside in case I frighten anyone. Lol!

It’s difficult for my Mum, Dad & I to find the right balance of care for each other as there is a tendency to want to do too much. Friends have been so kind to offer help to us but Dad bless him has wanted to look after me so much he overdid things. I pleaded with him to accept the kind help on offer He has been out in all weathers and at one point last week I found him slumped in a chair feeling dizzy and we had to call a doctor out. We were all very worried but thankfully after some rest he seems to have recovered. I promptly made the same mistake of doing too much too soon and abandoned my convalescing until my body said NO. We are now all taking things more steady, one day at a time. Life is good. Christmas has come early for me.

How I wish I could bottle up the peace and happiness I feel and send it to you all as gift for Christmas.

Thanks for everything.

Lots of love
Debbie

Thinking of Debbie (UPDATED with photo)

Hi all, Nicky again, Debbie is going to be in hospital for a couple of days longer due to a small issue, but is in great spirits!!
So would you like to leave a small greeting as a comment on this post and I'll forward them all to her by SMS?, which she'll appreciate! (she doesn't have a laptop).
I'm visiting her tomorrow hopefully.
thx
nicky xx
ps Debbie wanted me to post this super happy photo!!