Sunday, 31 August 2008

Different paths, fate or heavenly intervention?

Different paths, fate or heavenly intervention?

The picture on the left is by kind permission of Nicky Susanti who took the photograph.There is something spiritually uplifting about the scene which seems so appropriate for where many of my dear friends & I are with our lives.

The wonderful emotions of the last 2 week had caught up with me a little. I am still so happy even though the reality of all the housework, all the bills & continuing to sort out all the remaining name change stuff beckoned.

Tuesday, I took my dear Dad to the funeral of the girlfriend he had for a year before he meet my Mum for the first time, some 60 years ago. Even though my Dad has been totally faithful & a completely devoted husband it was really considerate of my Mum & something of a surprise to my Dad that she even suggested he might like to go to pay his respects. My Dads ex girlfriend sadly had no living relatives at her funeral & it was only attended by those who knew her at the care home she lived out her last few years. Dad said she was a really lovely kind lady. The sweetest you could wish to meet. He loves my Mum completely but he clearly held a torch for this dear girlfriend. It got me thinking. What if they had stayed together? Life is so short & full of crossroads.

A dear girlfriend of mine Julia has been going through a very traumatic time recently. The poor love has been under a lot of stress recently & had two massive angina attacks in a week. She had been treated appallingly by her GP who provided her with no care what so ever largely because she is a carer. At long last she finally got to see a gender specialist & her hopes were raised that in spite of a serious heart condition she may be able to have hormones & GRS. Those hopes have now tragically been dashed. She has the most amazing spirit & she has been a very special friend to me. She is a carer for her partner and realises she is not much use to them dead. For some this could be a time to fall apart & who could blame them. Not my friend Julia. As we are both carers we have great empathy for our plight. We have shared some dark times & helped each other through them but she is the one with the incredible fighting spirit & determination.She has decided to live the life she has now as fulltime female carer/housewife. It's not quite what she wished for in the first place but she seems at peace, which to me is a miracle of great courage.She has generously offered to help and support any person on the subject of living fulltime without hormones. Some how in her heart she has found the strength to turn adversity into a positive experience & give something back to others. If only those selfish bitches who deliberately start labels wars on transgender forums could appreciate the pain they cause to women like Julia who are more naturally female than they will ever be even after all the medical treatment available. I feel so fortunate & humble to have her as my friend.

Another inspirational girlfriend is the lady who saved my life & supported me so much, my best friend. She is a very talented wildlife artist & her husband a very gifted photographer. Due to an awful incident at the previous exhibition when they were helping an un well friend & treated appallingly she resigned from the organising committee after years of dedicated service. At the time this incident divided friendships & was heartbreaking for all involved as all but the instigator really cared about our friendships. She suffered the sad loss of a loved one soon after Christmas & her art for a time was the least thing on her mind. In the two years I had been unable to paint it was a joy to watch her talents flourish. She pushed herself with every painting she produced learning new techniques & progressing from being a very good illustrator to a true artist. As artists we can often never appreciate our progress & are always striving for more. She is not a full time artist & her day time job as a care manager is very demanding & stressful. When she was able she returned to her painting & no longer tied to helping out at the exhibition she bravely decided to put on her own one woman art exhibition for the first time in her life. Having your own solo exhibition is sooooooo much more personal & carries so much more pressure. Her friends & family all knew how good her work had become but she was lacking a little confidence & right up until the last minute doubted her ability. She need not have worried. Someone on high was looking after her. Her exhibition went on for 2 weeks & has been a huge personal success. All her hard work has been rewarded. She has sold most of her originals, many prints & cards & received a number of commissions. Her work was bought not only by friends & supporters but also by new buyers she had never meet before. Her dear Mum who is now looking down at her from heaven must be so proud of her talented daughter.

The lovely mutual friend who was unwell last year who also resigned had produced her best ever work this year & it took her tremendous courage to be able to return to the scene of such a sad incident of which she was also totally blameless. She faced her demons & came out so much stronger. When she stepped up on stage to receive an award for the most improved artist supported by her partner & friends there was hardly a dry eye in the audience.

The friend who was the instigator of the sad incident last year sadly failed to sale a single painting. I take no pleasure in that at all. I will always be grateful to him for transforming my life over the last ten years. Without him I would never have made so many special friends, travelled the world & enjoyed my creativity. Stress does terrible things to people sometimes & I always want to try to see good in people. This year thankfully he has had a very successful year selling his paintings for ten of thousands of pounds so thankfully this was only a blip for him. He is usually very hands on & very stressed because the exhibition would simply not happen without him. This year he was genuinely really nice, humble & pleased for everyone’s success. He was more relaxed than ever before which was lovely to see. I have remained his friend through out hoping to build bridges & this has sometimes put me in a difficult situation amongst our mutual friends. My biggest hope for the exhibition was that all my friends who had fallen out would make their peace given time. Friends can be as important as family. I love them all. Some of those broken friendships have thankfully miraculously healed to some extent although what happened may sadly never be forgotten. It does no good to dwell or live in the past. Life is too short.

I had the privilege of meeting another dear friend on the last day of the exhibition. Dear Jo, a delightful compassionate warm eloquent stylish woman just simply trying to live her life. I had a lovely time talking with her. We were in the place that has become such a haven to me & to be able to share it with yet another truly inspirational girlfriend was a joy. As she has so beautifully already said about her blossoming new life “It's was entirely NORMAL for women to be able to do such things without undue hassle. Not long ago all this seemed like an impossible, ridiculous, dream" & I concure with those feelings completely.

Tomorrow another wonderful friend Nicky Susanti begins her first day at work as the person she was born to be. She is similar to me in as much as we are both very emotional & compassionate. She has planned for this day for so long & tried so hard to do the right thing for her family. Unlike so many faced with her situation she has survived all the heartache & retained the love & support of her family. Nicky has taught me so much about confidence & self belief. I hope & pray her day & her life is everything she wishes for.

This last week or so I have grown so much as a person. I have learnt so much more about humanity. I have a life to look forward to, thanks to my dear family & friends.

I have in the last two years refound my religion & faith in humanity. Fate has perhaps played its part but more than anything I believe with all my heart it was heavenly intervention that helped all my sisters, my dear Dad & my male friend. God loves everyone. I sometimes wonder if God has a gender but in reality it is inconsequential for all kinds of reason. Peace be with you.



Thursday, 21 August 2008

My first prom night

Our special guest opening night of our annual wildlife art exhibition was more than I could ever possibly have dreamed for. It was our art society's 10th anniversary & the first opening night I had ever attended feeling so at peace & finally me. A night filled with wonderful friends, amazing art, in a superb location, immersed in creative energy. It is now billed as the biggest wildlife art exhibition in the world. I am not sure if that is true & personally I do not care. Size does not matter to me!lol

What matters to me are my friends. This night was a huge landmark if not quite the culmination of a what has become for me a very spiritual journey. Last night I was just little me, simply my true self. I have never felt more at peace in my entire life. I was a minuscule part of an incredibly joyous night for so many of my artistic friends & art/animal loving friends. Being able to just be accepted as me by dear long term friends who have stood by me & people I was meeting for the first time was heaven on earth.
I have never ever taken so much thought & effort to get ready to go any where like I did for this night. It was no surprise when I finished up running quite late. My Mum ended up loaning me a pretty necklace as I just could not find one that suited my outfit. I finally arrived only five minutes late. It was a surreal & poignant moment for me to be sat by the table which was to be the centre of activity for anyone of our guests who may be kind enough to purchase a painting some two hours later, filling & painting my nails a delicate shade of pink. Some years ago in another life at the same venue I had cheekily told my art chairman's wife who was resplendent in all her finery "you scrubbed up nice." I never dared dream that one day that comment may come back to haunt me. I did enjoy sharing a smile with her asking her all these years later "have I scrubbed up ok tonight?"
The event was attended by over 800 guests. It was opened by BBC wildlife photographer/presenter Simon King who was so lovely. I just had to have my photo taken with him. He cares passionately about wildlife & one of his favourites are cheetahs which I so enjoy painting. We had a band playing, Drinks flowing & everyone seemed to have a great time in spite on the good old British weather. Now if it had been a sun kissed summers evening with blue sky I would really have wondered if I had dreamt what felt like to me to be "my very first prom night".
I have finally arrived at a place I have never ever been at before in my entire life. I am finally me.
I have a life to look forward to & some truly wonderful friends. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world today.
I may write more soon but just wanted to post this as a memento of a night I will remember for the rest of my life.
Lots of love
A deliriously happy Debbie

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Its good to talk

The weirdest thing is happening to me. I just need to record this/share this. All the Ts stuff I thought would be such a big deal & so hard for someone with so little confidence to be true to their heart is totally inconsequential. So right, so easy. In what is a period of rapid personal growth & change, its personal friendships that are really troubling me.

The biggest pressure I face right now is maintaining the friendship I have with my best friend. Because of an awful situation caused by the bad behaviour of a mutual friend last year at the end of our annual exhibition which totally divided some friendships including mine with him, its spread like a cancer through so many friendships. We could not see it at first & when its impact on our close friendship became clear it semed too late. I was becoming quite emotional just writing this garbled message & stopped mid sentence to phone my girlfriend. I care so so much about my friends, the person who caused this rift which has recently spread to the relationship I have with my best friend, is the complete opposite. They use their friends for what they can get out of them. I had the most wonderful open, clear the air talk with my girl friend. I should explain our friendship is purely platonic but our friendship is sooooooooooo important to me. I have never ever in my life let anyone get so close to me, the real me. Trusted some one with my life & connected with them in this way. We are fine again. In fact stronger than ever. She half jokingly said we can growl at each other & its soon forgotten its just this exhibition period. She has been like a guardian angel to me in my darkest hours of recent years. It actually shows she knows I am mentally stronger now. As I say weird stuff but its real life stuff not T.
Their is also something happening with a long term friendship I have had with a male friend this week which is so different to what I expected. In a nice way. Oh & my four legged friend is missing Debbie as I explore my new world, & I feel like I am neglecting him too. This post makes even less sense than usual as I hurriedly blogged this & may expand on it later or may be its time I too shut my blog & re opened in the real world or a funny farm?I have not been using artificial stimulants, alcohol etc honest, just high on life!

Its good to talk.

Love Debbie

Sunday, 17 August 2008

First Steps

I just wanted to record a very emotional moment in my journey at the start of what will be & has been a magical period in my life.

Five minutes ago I signed my first ever painting as me. I signed it in watercolour & tears.

My clumsy first steps into the big wide world are gathering momentum.

Thursday I met up with with a dear friend of mine who I have worked with as a volunteer for many years. She asked me to give her the opportunity to see my new painting before it went into the exhibition next week. She knew how much my painting meant to me & how much I had missed being able to do it over the last two years. We share a love of wildlife & a passion for conservation. I felt a little awkward because she had been kind enough to buy a number of my paintings in the past & I did not want her to feel she had to buy this one, just to be able to share it with her was reward enough. She fell in love with it as soon as she saw it. So it looks like next Wednesday Debbie may have her first ever sale. I had to push myself to paint this piece, driven by the desire not to miss the first opportunity I have had in my life to display a painting with the real artists name on it. To have that chance makes the painting priceless to me. How do you put a price on a dream? I had not even started it & with 2 days until the deadline for entries I just went for it. I was not sure it was good enough until a week & I still wish it could be a lot better. The desire to want to do better next time, the creative hunger that had deserted me through all the trauma of my recent life has re-emerged.

Friday I helped my best friend put on her first solo exhibition. She has saved my life & been an inspiration to me. The pressure of a solo exhibition is so much greater & personal than when you share it with others & for her this too was a really big first step. In the two years my creativity had been blocked she has grown tremendously as an artist. Pushing her boundaries at every opportunity. Her enthusiasm for her art has been a joy to watch. She was so nervous all week long. We all knew how good she was but she could not see it for herself. Local newspapers published stories about her work. Friends & colleagues were all so supportive. The night was a huge success. She sold several paintings, prints & cards. She also gained a number of commissions. We all believed in her & may be now she will to. Good things do happen to good people.

Saturday I helped out at the start of preparing the major exhibition of wildlife art at our local zoo. The exhibition takes place in a beautiful Tudor hall set in the grounds of the zoo. It takes up 6 large rooms & is now the biggest exhibition of wildlife art in Europe. I have been lucky enough to be part of it from the start & we have all grown together supporting each other very much like an extended family. I had a great first day helping out with all the other ladies.

Tonight is handing in night where artists from far & wide, north & south, Europe, Africa bring along their incredible work. I feel like a kid at Christmas seeing all the inspirational pieces of art. Tonight also carries a lot of emotion for me as some of my dear friends will be delivering their paintings they have worked so hard for. There is the one slight dark cloud of a potential for a heartbreaking situation. One that tragically ended in great tears at the end of last years exhibition when life long friendships were lost. It broke my heart to see this happen last year. I pray all our friends will be friends after this evening. I just want everyone to be happy & enjoy the art, & shared experience with lovely friends.

Next week I will be working on & off each day. I have three wonderful private view nights to look forward to. We have a grand opening on Wednesday evening. A special guests night which will be opened by Simon King from The BBC wildlife big cat diarys. Each night is going to be like a prom night for me. I am so excited by it all. All being well we have 800 plus guests coming for each night. Thursday we may have a live broadcast on the BBC which will be great publicity for all the talented amateur & professional artists who are exhibiting. We have two more private view nights where I will be meeting a number of friends, including ex colleagues for the first time as Debbie.

I hope you all have a good week

Best wishes

Saturday, 9 August 2008

Bounce Ability

After the highs & lows of the last week, I wanted to post something much more positive.

On FridayI pushed my self to go out as I decided I just needed to get on with my life. I did not want to let my parents down. I managed to take my Dad to hospital to have his hearing checked & went off to do the weekly shop. Vanity & an icky tummy where no excuse for self pity. My face has almost recovered now.

I only put on a very light amount of make up but it cheered me up. I just could not face going out without some “war paint” on. I managed the weekly shop fine & by chance arrived back at the hospital just as my parents where coming out. My Dad seemed happy with his visit & mum was really surprised I managed to do the shop. We settled down for lunch after putting the shopping away & had a nice hour or so watching the opening of the “Olympics”. London has a lot to do to surpass the spectacle we have just witnessed.

Just before finishing the trilogy of recent posts which seemed to have gone on longer than the Olympic opening ceremony, I had a phone call from a company selling accident insurance. I spoke using my bestest Debbie voice, still feeling a little off colour & the caller called me madam all the time without even asking my name. Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I rather rushed the postings yesterday & deeply regretted posting the last part of my trilogy as it alarmed my dear friend Nicky.
I managed to take our doggy out after tea & then did some more work on my painting. I am not sure if its finished yet but it is such a joy just to get it this far. Like me it really is my first steps & very much a work in progress.

I had found my "bounce ability" a phrase that I owe so much to my inspirational friends. We all have it in us, we just have to believe in ourselves to find it.

Peace be with you.

Best wishes

Friday, 8 August 2008

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly Part 3

The Good the Bad & the ugly “The very Ugly” Trilogy

Part 3

4th August - present time
The picture on the left was taken in January 08 of me 3 days after ten hours of facial feminisation surgery.
The swelling caused by an insect bite on the right hand side of my face this week caused part of my face particularly my jaw to swell up far more than it did after surgery.
I have been too upset to have my picture taken this week & so I have had to make do with this frightening image.
I am finally responding to treatment now. I will be ok. So please do not worry about me if you are kind enough to read this blog.

The whole right hand side of my face at the jaw line & up to my cheek was hideously swollen. My jaw looked ultra masculine in a “Desperate Dan” cartoon character way. The area right by my chin implant was the size of half an orange, yet I did not feel any pain just a slight discomfort, until I saw the swelling. I was distraught. All my gender dysphoric symptoms came back. I was actually more disfigured than when I first came round after my facial feminization surgery which has taken 5 months to really settle down.
My Mum had palpation's when she heard me scream out in terror. All of a sudden our world was crashing down. The last thing I wanted to do was alarm my dear parents. I managed to convince my Mum it would be ok she thankfully settled down. I had been to Malaria ridden places in Africa several times & never been bitten. I felt nothing more than a slight itch on my cheek while we I was out with our dog. How could this happen? The swelling was even worse by morning. I had a tearful sleepless night but managed to avoid going to casualty. Luckily I was able to see my own GP in the morning. At least he knew what I looked like before my face swelled up.

My GP was unsure if the swelling was caused by an abscess or an allergic reaction to a bite. He prescribed some anti-biotic tablets, 2 four times a day, which was the highest dose he could risk giving me. He was concerned the implant could be dislodged if the swelling became any worse. The tablets have a side effect of giving you a bad tummy & causing nausea. I would have taken anything at that point.

I had just had the most incredible two days & made the most wonderful progress & in an instant it felt like it had all gone.
I am due to help out at our big wildlife exhibition in just over a weeks time. I was hoping to meet many of my art society friends, ex colleagues , for the first time as my true self a woman, not to mention the general public, in less than ten days time. I was so looking forward to attending the three private view evenings which will seem to me “the oldest teenager in the world” like three prom nights.

All the insecurities & self pity came back to the surface. I felt ugly inside & out. I hated myself & could not bare any one to see me. On top of that my stomach feels like it has razor blades for lining. I was unable to walk very far because of the stomach cramps & reluctantly had to let my dear elderly Dad walk our doggy. Boy did I feel ugly!
My life had gone from eurphoria on the Monday, happily painting most of the day & chating to the lovely Nicky Tuesday evening. Everything in the garden was Rosey & then utter turmoil in the blink of an eye at 10.45 Tuesday evening.
After nearly three days of a seven day course of treatment the swelling has thankfully receded & almost gone. I can see the bite marks by my chin quite clearly. It was only this morning that I could really start to see Debbie re-appearing & not "the monster in the mirror". It was lovely talking to Nicky Tuesday evening. I felt fine then. I went back to my parents that night about 10.45 & the swelling had blown up really quickly without me realising it. It was that quick. My tummy is still quite bad as a result of the tablets I have had to take but the icky tummy & slight pain is so worth it.
Best wishes
“The elephant woman” Debbie

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Part 2

The Good the Bad & the Ugly Trilogy

Part 2

The slightly Bad
More name change problems
5th August

The day started with a minor annoyance & ended very badly. The minor incident developed over my car insurance company “Direct line” having agreed to change all my details via a phone call, as I had transitioned, sent me a renewal notice with the policy holders name correct but still had the vehicle owner as being Bob. They had previously been very helpful, as have 99% of the people I have dealt with while trying to amend my details. I spoke to a gentleman called Muhammad. Initially he was very polite. I gave him my name so as to avoid any confusion as to the gender of the person he was speaking to. Once I explained my situation he seemed some how different. He grudgingly changed my details on their system & then proceeded to shock me by quoting a price £15 more than the original quote. I was livid & asked if it was normal policy to charge females more than males for their insurance which would be ridiculous. I then asked to speak to his supervisor at which point he exclaimed “I am going to have to put you on hold SIR”. He came back to me to say their underwriters had agreed my fee would be reduced back to the original quote, referring to me as SIR before I even had a chance to speak. He appeared to deliberately be insulting me. I kept my calm & explained it was very disrespectful & hurtful to refer to a customer using the incorrect gender. I asked again to speak to his supervisor at which time he started to apologize. By this time I just wanted to get the call over with, I had more important things to do. This really was a very minor but totally unnecessary incident which just seems to grind with people like me on this journey. Why do people have to display such prejudice & be so hurtful?

The Good the Bad & the ugly “The bad”

5th , 6th & 7th August

I take our little dog out come rain or shine & have very rarely, not been able to take him unless I have been too poorly. The weather was typical for a British Summer Grey sky, Rain, rain & more rain. When it’s raining heavily I take him along a tree lined avenue adjacent to the park we like to go to on the days the weather is not Monsoon like. Monsoons a great clothes shop but alas I looked more like a deep sea fisherwoman. Even my welsh lion cub bulked at getting out the door in the inclement weather. Under the trees at least we were a little drier. It was a sticky, close sort of day with non stop rain. With a lot of imagination it almost felt like we were in a tropical rain forest. There was a slightly polluted stream near by & midges & mossi’s buzzing about at times but I thought nothing more of it at the time. We both came home like drowned rats but we were fine. We even ventured out again after tea. A doggies got to do what a doggies got to do, regardless of the weather.

The rest of the day was uneventful until I returned home later in the evening. OMG I cried in anguish as I caught my reflection in the hall mirror. I looked like the “Elephant Woman”!

Best wishes
“The elephant woman” Debbie

The Good the Bad & the Ugly Part 1

The Good the Bad & the Ugly Trilogy

It has been quite an eventful week or so. I have been busy chasing Rainbows, been totally elated, drowned & my world thrown upside down like I was in a barrel going over the Victoria Falls of my last but one blog.

Like buses nothing turns up on my blog for ages & then four stories appear.

Part 1 The GOOD

My first day working as Debbie

Monday 4th August

Monday afternoon was my first ever volunteer duty at my local zoo as Debbie. It could not have gone better. I spent 4 hours there helping on the tombola/raffle. We had two thousand people in the park. Many of them were kind enough to buy tombola/raffle tickets which helped raise over £500 for our Amphibian appeal.
I felt ready to do this. I had dreamed of this day. Finally I could be my true self in a working environment. I was both very excited & also a little scared. For one so shy I still cannot believe how calm I felt.

After all I have been through this meant so much especially at such a haven. A haven that became a hell, 2 years ago, after I had a massive panic attack & ran out of the main entrance in tears, after all the victimization at my full time job & being unable to transition took its toll. Poignantly I was working with the same kind volunteer friend who witnessed me falling apart that sad day two years ago.

The only tricky bit was signing in at the information hut. The two volunteers on duty in the office knew Rob but not Debbie. I have got to the point where I thought I have gone through all the disclosure stuff but working in a place Rob had worked in for several years is a little complicated. I am conscious my voice is still not good enough & continues to sound too similar to Bobs but I still felt confident I would be accepted. Only once, when assisting disabled gentlemen to return his motorized wheel chair did I have some one get my gender wrong. I had to raise my voice to attract the attention of the duty manager to ask for his help & unfortunately he was not facing me & referred to me as mate. As soon as he turned round he apologized at his mistake.

We were rushed off our feet all afternoon. The incredible self belief I had together with the support I had from the lady who helps run the volunteers & my two volunteer friends who worked with me on the tombola/raffle, helped relax any initial anxiety I had. I am very conscious of not letting any one down. Representing a company, in a customer facing role with what to me still sounds too much like a man’s voice, was quite a challenge. If anyone were to say anything I was determined to just smile, say nothing & try to keep my emotions in check... I was never able to stand up for myself at work when things got too much for me. Armed with a self belief that I had earned the right to finally be my true self & be treated with equal respect as any one else, the afternoon was magical. I was accepted by every family, every person, every child. It was only a simple task & our customers were more interested in the cuddly prizes we had on offer than the lady holding the bucket of tickets but to me it felt like I had won the lottery. Children speak as they find & having been told by my parents people would disown me, throw rocks & chase me with burning torches if I ever transitioned, this was a huge positive step for me. My voice was quite sore the following day & the emotions of that day are still with me.

I have put my name down to volunteer again next Monday. It all seemed to go well & I have sent a message of thanks to the volunteer co coordinators. If they are happy with my performance I just hope all goes as well next time.


I have nearly completed my first proper painting in 2 years.

I found I could relax & paint like never before. My parents generously invited me to paint in their conservatory. It has really good natural light. My four legged friend nestled down beside me. My Mum & Dad were thrilled to see their daughter engrossed in her painting. I was painting in the bosom of my family.

My dysphoria was at the lowest level it has been for the last ten years. The scream had finally become a smile. My creativity flowed. There is an enjoyable part of the painting process where you start to pull things together. You become in harmony with the subject. If all goes well; after blocking in the main parts of the subject, by using their mid tones, what my appear at first to be almost cartoon like becomes alive. I was in Artistic Heaven. A creative place I had longed to be in for over two years. The painting called “First Steps” began to rise before me. Suddenly my brush was no longer a stranger. I could feel its every little step & co ordinate its movement. The little “Cheetah cub was up on his feet & walking. A brush with the wild & the wonderful!

Best wishes
A very Happpppppppppppppppppy Debbie

Saturday, 2 August 2008


We had a mini family crisis this morning, our doggy has been sick but ours is a very minuscule problem & put completely in perspective by the heartbreaking news I have just received from a dear friend. She has been so courageous, so brave. There are no words I can say to ease her pain.
I have such empathy for this friend. She has lived a life I was too scared to because of where it could end. No one would want to watch a film of my life, it would be so boring & full of self pity, with no direction. I should know I was supposed to be in it. In a way it is almost as though I have never lived even though I appreciate I have so much to be grateful for. My friends life appears so much more fulfilled & that makes natures little trick even crueler. She has so much more to lose. Some young women who are born with our condition find they need to transition very much earlier in life. Occasionally the less compassionate ones cannot relate to the trauma & tribulations of those of us who find we need to transition later in life & have a family to think about. I cannot imagine a sane person would chose to transition it's a case of needing to & live through a potential tsunami or....... I hope & pray my dear friend can re write the script to her life & have a happy ending. If any one can she can. She deserves to be happy.
I have had to spend this morning at the vets with our little corgi. Thankfully he has been thoroughly checked over & he has been given the all clear. He has had a jab to settle his tummy & he may go back again on Monday. The little lad is part of our family. We have never been able to book up anything in recent years for our birthdays as we have had a period where we always had to cancel trips out. Our life has existed on a day to day basis for so long as one of us is often poorly. At least we still have each other. Our birthdays would be meaningless without our family. We will all stay together & have a fish & chip dinner at home to mark my birthday which is fine. I am not sure if I can even bring myself to eat it.
This life can change so quickly. How I wish I had not posted my positive words on the eve of my birthday, they have come back to haunt me, as I feared they would.
My thoughts & prayers are with our dear friend.
God Bless

Friday, 1 August 2008

Chasing Rainbows

There is something about this scene from the Victoria Falls that captures how my emotions feel right now on the eve of Debbie's second birthday.
I feel so happy, so lucky & humble.
No longer a ghost.
Soooooooooooooooo alive.

May all your hopes & dreams come true.

Sometimes a leap of faith is all it takes!
sadly you can never be sure of the outcome.