THE VERY UGLY
4th August - present time
The whole right hand side of my face at the jaw line & up to my cheek was hideously swollen. My jaw looked ultra masculine in a “Desperate Dan” cartoon character way. The area right by my chin implant was the size of half an orange, yet I did not feel any pain just a slight discomfort, until I saw the swelling. I was distraught. All my gender dysphoric symptoms came back. I was actually more disfigured than when I first came round after my facial feminization surgery which has taken 5 months to really settle down.
My Mum had palpation's when she heard me scream out in terror. All of a sudden our world was crashing down. The last thing I wanted to do was alarm my dear parents. I managed to convince my Mum it would be ok she thankfully settled down. I had been to Malaria ridden places in Africa several times & never been bitten. I felt nothing more than a slight itch on my cheek while we I was out with our dog. How could this happen? The swelling was even worse by morning. I had a tearful sleepless night but managed to avoid going to casualty. Luckily I was able to see my own GP in the morning. At least he knew what I looked like before my face swelled up.
My GP was unsure if the swelling was caused by an abscess or an allergic reaction to a bite. He prescribed some anti-biotic tablets, 2 four times a day, which was the highest dose he could risk giving me. He was concerned the implant could be dislodged if the swelling became any worse. The tablets have a side effect of giving you a bad tummy & causing nausea. I would have taken anything at that point.
I had just had the most incredible two days & made the most wonderful progress & in an instant it felt like it had all gone.
I am due to help out at our big wildlife exhibition in just over a weeks time. I was hoping to meet many of my art society friends, ex colleagues , for the first time as my true self a woman, not to mention the general public, in less than ten days time. I was so looking forward to attending the three private view evenings which will seem to me “the oldest teenager in the world” like three prom nights.
All the insecurities & self pity came back to the surface. I felt ugly inside & out. I hated myself & could not bare any one to see me. On top of that my stomach feels like it has razor blades for lining. I was unable to walk very far because of the stomach cramps & reluctantly had to let my dear elderly Dad walk our doggy. Boy did I feel ugly!
“The elephant woman” Debbie