.
The emotions she is going through must be so intense. Trying to deal with them all with clarity, even with a lifetimes internal conflict cannot be easy. I am three months away from where she is. Thinking of my friend has caused me to take stock of how I feel now. It will be interesting to see how they compare with my feelings a week or two before my surgery.
.
Right now that part of my body which requires surgery just feels dead. I dislike it. It makes me sad that it caused so much conflict in me & for my family. I do not intensely dislike that area of me. Subconsciously those feelings seemed hidden away in a box with the key throne away. I have for years tried not to think about that part of me. Now as time draws closer to having my birth defect corrected it causes me to think about matters I had blocked out since puberty. Some of its good some of it…………. I had so much pain down their as a child it scarred me for life.
.
I cannot bare anyone seeing that part of me. The hair removal process required prior to surgery has been very traumatic for me especially when it first started. For a time it is becoming the unwanted focus of my life. Memories from my childhood come back to haunt me. Images of doctors poking & prodding just as they did to me as a child & adolescent, fill me with dread. Visions of a life long dream of correcting a wrong, a birth defect that has blighted me & my family’s life for eternity fill me with hope. Is that euphoria or the dreams of a mad woman, trapped in an alien body?
How do we survive the first two months post op? I guess as crazy as it sounds at first by surviving all the emotions you feel in that 6 weeks prior to surgery, as a result of the enormity of the life changing surgery we are undertaking, combined with the hi octane of dealing with coming off hormone therapy. I am really frightened of the mood swing that starvation of hormones I have had in my body for over twelve years will bring. I wonder if there is anything I can take to ease the trauma? Herbal remedy or magic potion, anything that may help.
.
I will have to try to cope one day at a time. I want to keep busy as long as I can. Try to keep working & occupying my mind right up until the last days before my surgery. At the same time not biting any ones head off. I have lost enough friends already!
.
.
For me this is all about my gender conflict nothing to do with my sexuality. Relationships other than those involving deep friendship have not really been something I have ever been able to consider. I am a virgin & quite possibly will remain so. As Bob they were never an option. With body & mind finally in sync who knows what my future may hold.
.
I worry about the recovery period. How incapacitated I will be. How it will or will not all function. The pain. How it will all settle down. Will I have some numbness, loss of feeling as I have been left with from my facial surgery? There are all kinds of unknowns all kinds of risks yet I am driving on with blind faith. I think I am entitled to be a little nervous but still there is no doubt where I need to be.
.
We should not wish our lives away but I wish the surgery & healing process were all over just the same. Then I could begin to truly immerse myself in my new life. At first the practical things in life & then if it happens who knows one day a relationship with a soul mate. I want to be able to pay my way in life again & get a part time job. For those having surgery who are in paid work it must also be such a worry. For those women who are in employment or running a business, they cannot know for sure what they are coming back to. I have great faith in them all to succeed. A recession is not the best of time to be going through transition yet we have all gained more strength of character than we perhaps ever dreamed we could.
All of this, all of these questions yet it still feels right for me. It is part of my nature it was always part of my make up, my DNA, life force, what ever drives this, that was always going to lead to this day. What will be will be.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrcTo my dear friend Denise but also to all of you who kindly read this blog
Debbie
7 comments:
You've reminded me of one of my favourite songs "Que sera Sera"
I'm sure that when the time comes you'll get through to the other side okay. I remember feeling the same waiting for baby number one.
Somewhere amongst Dru's photos there is a picture of her after the op, I left a comment saying she looks as if she's just given birth which she had in a way.
Keep busy - have you done any painting recently?
Hi Anji
What will be, will be, was playing in my mind as I wrote the title.
I have been busy but alas my painting has had to take a back seat. My creativity is linked strongly to my emotions & right now all the emotional energy I have needs to be used up else where.
Take care
Debbie x
Hi Debbie,
The unknown can be scary, but don't let that dominate you. I get the feeling you will be fine.
x
I know this must be a difficult time but I am sure you will be fine.
x
I think most parents want their child to be happy. I think pursuing your happiness is not hurting your parents and ultimately may help them find peace.
You just hang on in there, cariad.
Love
chrissie
xxxx
Thank you Karen, Lisa, Jill & Chrissie for your very kind words of support.
Debbie x
Post a Comment