Forgiveness

I have been so inspired by our friends. So many have an incredible heart & spirit. An ability to keep going. We all have so much within us we are yet to discover. Each day in adversity brings new challenges, new opportunities for us to grow.
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My beloved Mum has been becoming increasingly anxious as I have struggled to deal with my reaction to the failing of my friendship with my best friend. I simply could not control my emotions. The last thing I wanted to do was cause Mum more anxiety. We were in effect feeding each others fears & worries. I was so selfishly obsessed by my pain I had let it take over my life.
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There was a very wise comment on a television programme recently which made me realise where I had been going so wrong. The quote went something like
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"Learn from your pain, but try not to let it be your master".
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The long period of grieving I had felt at losing the special friendship I once had with my friend turned for a time into anger. Anger at myself for reacting as I did, which made my Mum ill. Frustration at not being able to deal with my own emotions. I also very briefly felt anger towards the other parties involved especially as my pleas for help as I knew my resulting depression was making me ill & this was causing my Mum to worry, were not fully appreciated.
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Perhaps my willingness to forgive & try to move on was instrumental in the misunderstanding that caused so much pain for so many people I love so dearly. Just because you forgive it does not mean you necessarily forget. Far from it. I intensely dislike any conflict & just want everyone to be happy. That Utopian view is something which will always remain just a dream.
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The anger was I guess a natural part of the healing process & went quickly, but the message was clear. From that moment I was able to control my emotions, let go of the grief & move on a little. Sometimes we have to prioritise where to use our emotional energy. I am very forgiving & my dear friends must have far more important things than me, something really worrying them, to behave so out of character. I wish them well. I will always love them.
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It was only last Monday I found out quite how ill Mum was becoming, when I took her to the doctors. This was to be an eclectic moment during which I found clarity; I found guidance & self belief through my faith & by life's many challenges. Mum thankfully seemed to be generally improving now.
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I thought we had both turned a corner & then bang I managed to reverse my parent’s new car into a pillar at the hospital on Tuesday. I was so frightened of how my Mum was going to cope. Being so vulnerable I feared this would be the final straw but she was remarkable. Calmness personified. She was only concerned for me not the car. She forgave me, as did my Dad & they both offered their unconditional love. Mum & I subsequently shared a magical days clothes shopping together. Friday I met the surgeon who did my Facial Feminisation Surgery in London & had a great session with my counselor. My Mum is still very vulnerable but there was I hope more peace in our hearts.
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My parents health is of paramount importance to me. I am also due to have a very important meeting with the consultant psychiatrist who kindly referred me for surgery this Monday at my local hospital to further confirm my suitability mentally for my surgery. Had I been scheduled a week or so ago when I was still really struggling even though it was nothing to do with my gender issues or surgery who knows what may have happened.
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We can learn from our pain, at least the mental pain. Physical pain must be so much more difficult & I cannot begin to imagine how you deal with that. What we do share is the knowledge we are not alone in this world. Angels are every where!
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I hope my beloved family can forgive me for the all the anguish I have caused.
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To all my friends I have failed to stay in touch with or have sent confusing messages to, especially recently, please forgive me. I will never forget you.
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If you have faced up to a huge challenge & have re found your faith in yourself you have also found a truly remarkable spirit. You Rock! Dig deep my friends.
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You are doing the best you possibly can & you are inspiring others too, especially me.
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Big (((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) & ((((((((Peaceful thoughts)))))))))
Have a good week
Take care
Love
Debbie
PS I wrote this after receiving a sweet message from Karen who reads this blog. You are all Angels to me!