The perfect storm

I have been unable to find the words to blog lately. With all the troubles in the world, the heartbreaking stories from far away places, I am in awe of the courage & spirit of those families in such peril.
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A number of my closest friends are going through major life changing challenges. Life threatening health conditions, losing the loves of their lives, their livelihoods & possibly their homes. They all had what appeared to be idealic lives. These friends are the very people who stood up & supported me on my journey. I care so much about them. The foundations of their lives, their safe havens have become such difficult places. We all seemed like one extended family. Our lives all linked by a common interest, a sense of belonging.
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They were there for me & I have tried to be there for them. The pace of all our lives seems to have grown so much quicker as have the speed of changes, this year. Nothing stays the same for ever. We do not seem to have the time like we used to, to meet up, share some happy times. As our lives once collided so now they seem to have drifted apart. How I miss that closeness we once shared. The chance to make new friends fills me with both excitement & anxiety. I question now as reality has replaced the heady atmosphere of a much reduced dysphoric world I now inhabit.
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When making new friends, when letting people get close am I always fated to have my past dragged up & used against me when it suits the other person. For ever a trump T card to throw into any relationship?
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Until events in the last 6 months I really had generally just been getting on with life. Now with my confidence in shreads there is a nagging doubt with every new social encounter, akin to a time delay on life. Life is for living. Enjoy the good times while you can.
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Alas I dared hope that my old friend depression would never feel a constant companion again but circumstances have recently conspired against me, an almost perfect storm. They do warn you that sometimes after the euphoria of transitioning, achieving all the changes you need to make to your life. you may experience a dip in mood.
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A time of reflection. I look now at just how much I once had that has now gone. The price I have had to pay to transition. At first life was incredible so natural so easy, so peaceful. Its only now as the perfect storm appears to have washed away what I held so dear, that the dark clouds have descended.
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My demons are the social isolation I have found myself sinking in to. My confidence eroded by the hurt I feel at events orchestrated by a man who ironically uses & abuses his friends at will. Like a virus he has infected & destroyed a number of very special friendships involving several different female friendships. My very nature is to wish all my friends could be happy together evn though I know that is not always possible. People change, not just people like me. I need to take responsibility for how I feel but its been so hard of late.
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I feel afraid to let anyone get close to me ever again. How do I re-find my trust in human nature, the strength inside me to overcome all the pain that I feel? . I look from the shore at the wreck we once all sailed in. A voyage of discovery we once all shared. Both a truly creative enlightening world & a world full of courageous like minded souls. Now it all seems gone our lives on different paths once more. The painting of Miranda The tempest by John William Waterhouse captures my feelings far more than my inadequate words.
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I feel guilty as though I am letting down my parents, my true friends & all the doctors, who have been there for me. I have so much to be grateful for. I hate posting negative feelings & removed this posting only to find I had worried some dear friends by the very nature of the title. My Mum had actually been so worried by my black mood that she feared I may do some harm to myself which I never will. I really do have too much to live for.
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I have been afraid to express how vulnerable I have been feeling in the last couple of months. I have had to take shelter, feelings of isolation, deliberately not wishing to burden friends who have so much to deal with. You are always in my thoughts.
Peace & hugs.
Love Debbie x

A moment in time

"Making your way in life takes everything you got", the opening line from the Cheers them tune hits the right note for me this year http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvRGh2NEjSU . I have been so busy living life this year I have sadly not been able to update my blog for a while.

Transitioning my working life from purely doing voluntary work; to some much appreciated financially paid employment as well has been challenging. With my devotion to my family it has been a very tricky time meeting every ones needs as well & adjusting our lifestyles. There is a sense of role reversal for my parents & I. About time they could enjoy their retirement & stop worrying about their daughter,...if only that were true. I have a better appreciation now of how difficult it must be for new Mums to have to leave their children to go to work or for those who have been away for along time looking to return to the workplace.

My dear friend Lucy has been such a kind compassionate friend to me & I was so pleased to meet up with her again this weekend. She has been through so much & has such a friendly sweet nature everyone who meets her falls under her charming ways. She is soon about to undergo a life affirming experience at the same Brighton hospital I went to for my GRS remarked, you look so alive. We had a lovely time together. She is so serene so calm & peaceful we both have complete faith this will be right for her.

For me what has been so magical about the changes I needed to make to my life is that I am able to be at peace with myself now, so alive. I interact with the living, no longer a ghost or trapped by an invisible barrier to entomb me in myself.

Life is so different for me now, I have to be careful to check in with my “new self” not the old if that makes sense. The old self Bob existed through so much turmoil but without a true sense of self, could never truly partake in life or find the energy to keep fighting against how things felt inside mind or soul. Pre-transitioning living/existing in perpetual anguish with zero self esteem, no confidence & a daunting future sacrificed for loved ones, crushed by external pressures real or imagined, took real courage & for those in similar situation my heart goes out to you.

Finally discovering I had the strength within to overcome some of the hurt that was holding me back & survive all the pain. To overcome my fears of what I may lose, discovering who actually owned some of the fears I had believed were mine, proved a turning point.

My new self Debbie with her sense of self so full filled has a far more rewarding life even though I may have swapped one lot of challenges for another. The potential physical pain of the major surgery grs and ffs was for me fortunately very minimal with regard to recovery from GRS. With FFS the challenge in the first ten hours post op the worst physical pain of my life but for me that was easy compared with the mental trauma of trying to live with a dysphoric screaming voice inside me that cried out ever stronger with each day to push me to a very dark place. For me there was no mental anguish with either surgery, more a mixture of tranquility & euphoria. Transitioning really did feel like going from a dark monochrome place to a life full of colour. Every time I faced my fears I found my sense of self, my faith in myself & my religion grow ever stronger.

No ones way regarding dealing with dysphoria is right or wrong it has to be what is right & possible for them. Transitioning did not take away magically all my problems. I knew it never would. I have many more good days than bad now. To be able to stop looking inward all the time, second guessing, thinking what if, I now know my truth. GRS was not an end of my journey, nor a badge of honour, just a very important pivotal procedure, a moment in time, a leap of faith, I had complete faith in!

I still fall easily, I may always be vulnerable to certain health issues particularly anxiety but to be able to see more clearly outward, to be able to bounce back after experiencing so much change/turmoil to survive & be able to appreciate the simple things in life, is both a heaven sent gift & a joy.

I am not schizophrenic, two people in one body. I cannot deny my past but I have no wish to live there either, I never truly authentically lived back in my past. The photo above captures a magical moment in time when two Tigeeeeers broke their self imposed boundaries; sadly they are still trapped in captivity by societies will. Safe, well looked after, hopefully they will help their kind to be more understood, appreciated, an advert for their kind’s conservation but sadly not able to live their lives as nature truly intended. In our life times the only tigers left may be captive ones as they are so vulnerable to human kind. I could have waited a very long time to capture such a moment on film but when I least expected it, nature was kind to me.

I have been so busy so far this year I have struggled even to find a moment to keep in touch with some of my friends, especially those not logistically close to home. When a far away friends blog goes quiet for too long unless you know they are really busy you do begin to worry something may be wrong. One dear friends had even begun to become concerned for me & phoned to see how I was. Julia a very intuitive friend sensed there may be something wrong. I had not been able to get near my computer for a while & not been home when she had phoned. By chance she caught up with me & her call was really appreciated.

Below is part of an email to my inspirational volunteer manager at the hospital where I began my new working life. She was the only person who I felt needed to know all of my past as I began my attempt to return to the workplace with my new more appropriate role in life. I had to give up my previous career of nearly thirty years due to ill heath & my job no longer existing back in 2005 & it’s been a long journey back. The email covers my experiences over the last ten days or so but also a bit about how I feel now, my reflections writing this blog post, with my new life & how grateful I am for our NHS.

Dear ##


Last Tuesday I came home from work with a piercing headache & felt sick. I just could not settle & before I could react I experienced the worst panic attack of my life. http://http//www.nhs.uk/Livewell/phobias/Pages/Panicattacks.aspx My Mum phoned for a paramedic who arrived so quickly & was so helpful. He talked me down, slowly & calmly. My legs were numb but gradually he got me to focus on my surroundings and regain control of my breathing. I spent most of last Wednesday recovering in bed. I took your advice & let the ## department I work in, know I was unwell & not able to come in for a bit of "as & when" volunteering doing admin computer training that day. They were very understanding & so supportive. They really make me feel part of their team which means so much to me.

From a previously very masculine dominated blokey bloke workplace and perceived role, I felt so much more at peace in the skin I was now in, the workplace & the way I was perceived now. I appreciate any job can be done by any gender but there are old fashioned views held in some quarters. Recent views expressed by the cavemen Andy Gray & Richard Keys spring to mind. The pressure heaped on their Innocent victim unintentional or not was thoughtless & so cruel. There is a fine line between banter and bullying of which both genders can be guilty but I digress.

I have not had a panic attack for at least three years and never expected the panic attack, particularly as I had such a good day working in the ## Ward and did not feel at all anxious. The previous week in the ward I worked on until nearly 6 o’clock as I had to take time out to run over to various departments trying to arrange my transition from purely voluntary work to being paid for some hours & wanted to finish some artwork for a display they needed a.s.a.p.

In retrospect the panic attack was more my old body physically warning me to slow down & perhaps also due to a virus that seems prevalent in the department I had been working in. On the same day I had to rest in bed I also received some great help from the doctor who is giving me cognitive therapy. She gave me some additional coping techniques to keep me going but warned me to take things steady & make allowances for how I was feeling. Prepare some plans to help manage my day correctly for all concerned. Only I could judge if it was more appropriate I stayed away or went in. What would be better for my well being? I did not want to fail or let anyone down. The only way to regain my confidence I felt was to at least try to go to work, something my old self had previously understandably been unable to do.

Thursday I went into work & took things steady in the morning but was able to support the team. In the afternoon I managed to get my brain in gear & completed two sections of online training which involved me working on a little, but it really boosted my fragile confidence as I am feeling so vulnerable. My thinking was "The sooner I get my training done the sooner I could be productive again & support the team properly". It is always easier to give advice to others about taking on too much but we sometimes fail to listen to our own advice. I should definitely have listened to the advice my parents & the medical staff had given me.

Friday I came in to work again but had to rush home for my first ever mammogram. Again the patient care & respect was second to none. I rushed back in the afternoon and completed an almost four hour online training session which made me late getting home. It was one of those online tests that unless you finished it completely you would lose all the hours work you had spent & would need to do it all over again. I phoned my parents to warn them I would be a little late & check they were ok.

My dear Dad trying to help took our doggy for a walk as I was running late & tragically fell over, damaged his knee & cut his nose badly which really shock him up & Mum as he looked so terrible. I felt so guilty at me not being there for him and putting my work before my family. This was my biggest fear when I tried to return to the workplace. Finding the right balance between returning to work & my responsibilities as a carer to my parents; who bless them also on occasion still have to care for me, is not easy & a source of anxiety & worry for us all.

When I got in my Dad looked terrible. I had to take my Dad to the local Health Centre which is being threatened with closure due to the cuts. Again the care was wonderful. They were so busy; the waiting room was full up but they never stopped caring for my Dad or showing any signs of the pressure they were working under.

In retrospect again my volunteer manager having read my email to her,wisely advised don't do guilt, it is a waste of emotion! Your dad chose to take the dog out - it gave him exercise and made him feel independent and helpful, ok he fell, so could you have done! Could you imagine coming in with a black eye or bumps and bruises???????

Dad like me struggled for a few days but he came out for a gentle walk today. I am doing art work for ## department & the ## ward at home today, the most rewarding job I have ever had. Every grey cloud has a silver lining. I cannot thank the staff in the NHS enough. All of you!

The care my family & I have received from the NHS particularly when we have been in crisis; as we have this last week and many times before, has been absolutely magnificent.

PS Please forgive me for the above rather long email; it is all about my gratitude for "our NHS" & keeping you up to date with my health/volunteering/work situation.

I will write you that email I promised highlighting the benefits of volunteering. Less is perhaps more. The BBC recently ran a story about "mindfulness" & the quote below beautifully sums up so much of how I feel regarding volunteering.

Doing things to help others is not only good for those we help it has a very positive effect on our well being too. When people experience kindness they also feel kinder too so kindness really can become infectious.

Thank you with all my heART.

I never thought for one moment or dared dream one day my life could be full filled like it is now.

A month without bloging is too long.

Kindest regards
Debbie xx

Merry Christmas From Debbie

The human spirit is a wonderful thing. I have been privileged to be working with some incredible patients in recent months at our Hospital. The children of the children’s cancer ward are truly inspirational as are the staff. They somehow manage to concentrate their emotions on the "here & now".

They are the bravest of the brave. The staff seem to focus on giving the children as normal a day as possible, always encouraging/planning for their future but in a very subtle way. Both the staff, the children & their families find the most amazing faith inside them in such adversity, a belief they really do have a future together.

Time is the most precious of gifts. As we all seem to rush around trying to cope with transport problems & the commercial hype of Christmas the meaning of Christmas can sometimes be lost. It can all get so stressful wishing we had been better organized & delivered all our cards, bought all our presents early, managed to see all our friends & family.

Volunteering can sometimes be the best paid job in the world.

A month ago I began the most rewarding, heartwarming, humbling, heart breaking job I have ever had. I did not know if I could be emotionally strong enough to cope. I was to be working in the same ward my cousin’s courageous son who had leukemia twice & had a heart transplant as a result of his treatment. The ward had only just opened then but all these years later the compassionate staff still remembered him & his parents. With his passing this year I was afraid I may let everyone down & the last thing I wanted to do was to become emotional in front of the children I would be working with. The staff had reassured me working in the ward would be a life changing experience & they were right. All the baggage, my insecurities, my fears etc evaporate as you enter the ward.

I was asked to provide some art therapy for a young lady who was a patient at the hospital. To look at her she appeared to be doing so well. She was so enthusiastic to do something creative. I had earlier prepared some simplistic child friendly images of an owl that could be made into a collage or painted. She wanted to do something more realistic & grown up; more akin to the owl in a Harry potter Film, so we sat down together & experienced something truly magical.

I would paint one wing, and then she would work on the other. She was so determined to do her best & became upset with her self when things did not go quite as she hoped. I told her not to worry & just enjoy painting. We could always make things right with the painting. Together we would give her the wings to help her creative confidence fly. I encouraged her & got her to correct my lousy wing as hers was so much better than mine. We then worked on the eyes. She watched & listened intently. Her Mum came to join us & was so pleased to see her daughter enjoy herself so much. We lost track of time. Doctors came & asked her how she was feeling. Nurses checked on her too but nothing seemed to distract her from painting. I had checked with her Mum & the resident teacher what time we needed to finish so as not to tire her. When her Mum came in with some tablets I knew we had to come to a close. I asked her to sign her beautiful owl & she beamed the warmest of smiles. Her Mum was so pleased. She had the difficult task of asking her daughter to take an extra tablet both of them knowing they would make her feel worse before she could begin to feel better. I waved to them as they left to go back to the ward from our classroom.
It was only then I was informed by the teacher what she had been through. That she had been there a couple of months & been really poorly, sleeping most of the time or not able to take an interest in anything due to her health. The ability of the children, their family & staff to focus on the “here & now” is so inspirational & humbling. Just for a moment we shared a universe where emotions & mind found a unique peace.

I have been working there one day a week, ever since, more if I could. Last week we had the Christmas Nativity Concert. There were so much, joy & laughter. They do not entertain sad thoughts only hope & positivety.

A young boy who had been in hospital for much of the past two years sitting in the audience stole the show; when he reappeared wearing a Father Christmas costume, playing Christmas Carols on the violin.

This week I received a job offer to start part time paid work at the hospital doing admin work which I am really grateful for. Hopefully all the paperwork can be sorted out for me to start some time early in the New Year. I am looking forward to being able to pay my way in the world again.

I hope you can all come home safely to enjoy your Christmas with your family, friends, your loved ones.

Some things as precious as time, can be worth far more than money.

Wishing you all a very Mery Christmas
Good Health & Happiness in 2011.
Peace be with you.

Love
Debbie

May Peace be your gift this Christmas.

This is a little different.......................Happy Christmas to you all.




T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

HE LIVED ALL ALONE,

IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE,

MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.


I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY,

WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,

AND TO SEE JUST WHO,

IN THIS HOME, DID LIVE.


I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,

A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,

NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,

NOT EVEN A TREE.


NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,

JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,

ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES,

OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.


WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,

AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,

A SOBER THOUGHT,

CAME THROUGH MY MIND.


FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,

IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,

I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,

ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.


THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,

SILENT, ALONE,

CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR,

IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.


THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,

THE ROOM IN DISORDER,

NOT HOW I PICTURED,

A TRUE BRITISH SOLDIER.


WAS THIS THE HERO,
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?

CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?


I REALISED THE FAMILIES,

THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,

OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS,

WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.


SOON ROUND THE WORLD,

THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,

AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE,

A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.


THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM,

EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,

BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,

LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.


I COULDN'T HELP WONDER,

HOW MANY LAY ALONE,

ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE,

IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.


THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT,

A TEAR TO MY EYE,

I DROPPED TO MY KNEES,

AND STARTED TO CRY.


THE SOLDIER AWAKENED,

AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,

"SANTA DON'T CRY,

THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;


I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,

I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,

MY LIFE IS MY GOD,

MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS.."


THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,

AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,

I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,

I CONTINUED TO WEEP.


I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,

SO SILENT AND STILL,

AND WE BOTH SHIVERED,

FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.


I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE,

ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,

THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR,

SO WILLING TO FIGHT.


THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,

WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,

WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,

IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."


ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."


This poem was written by a Peacekeeping soldier stationed overseas. The following is his request. I think it is reasonable.


PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favour of sending this to as many people as you can?
Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to all of the service men and women
for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of
what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us.
Please, do your small part to plant this small seed.

Paula.

I received this very poigniant poem from my best friend. It really makes you think.

May Peace be your gift this Christmas.
Love
Debbie x

Snow Lucky to have him.

This little guy came in to my life when I was at a really low point.

He transformed all our lives.

He gave me a reason to come out from under my duvet & go out for walks.

It seems you are never without friends if you have a dog.

In no time at all he had me fully trained & had captured all our hearts.

He never judges me. He always listens, although he can sometimes be conveniently hard of hearing.

He did not complain when my appearance changed quite radically. He knew I was still the same person, only happier.

Come rain or shine or even snow, his enthusiasm to be my ever faithful companion remains.

He helps keep us all young at heart even when we can feel our age catching up.

We are truly blessed to have our dear little corgi for a friend. His love is unconditional although a biscuit in your pocket is always appreciated.

The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event.† You go to bed in one kind of a world and wake up in another quite different, and if this is not enchantment then where is it to be found?


Keep safe & warm.
Be happy
Bless you
Love
Debbie x

My first Anniversary

My first Anniversary November 3rd 2010

It seems a life time ago since I posted anything on my blog. I wish I could bottle the feelings of peace & tranquility I felt after my surgery & send it with love to all the friends I have made & those I am yet to meet.

To have a glass of “mindfulness” for those times we all get during our lives where we face a huge challenge & we anxiously question what path we should take.

I feel so lucky to have had the surgery & had such excellent care. The seemingly endless medical rehabilitation involving longer periods of tiredness than I had perhaps anticipated & the tedium of all the time required in dilating to maintain the surgeons work, were all worthwhile.

The butterflies of deliberating what changes I needed to have, how to achieve them, with who, how & when was best for my loved ones & I, is now thankfully in my past. I had many sleepless nights before deciding what to do as I had always had trouble making decisions & trusting my judgement. Its hard to decipher all the information out there. I was lucky to find the right surgeon & hospital for me & my circumstances. A place whose staff I felt at ease with & confident in. Once the decision had been agreed I felt so much calmer although the time just seemed to race by, with so much to plan for. I certainly felt a whole lot easier once everything was in place. My biggest worry was the thought of coming off hormones before surgery & the effect on my emotions. I dealt with any anxiety as best I could by looking at the surgery as just another process to go through, a river to cross. The feelings you get on the other side are unique. For me they were life affirming, validating completely what my heart & soul felt but in truth for me was truly a leap of faith.

With all the uncertainties in the world, with the continued recession & cuts to services the opportunities to have any kind of surgery via the NHS is likely to become ever more difficult. I fear the surgery I was so blessed to have will be low down on the list of priorities & so when cuts need to be made, such operations will be first to to be delayed. After many years of feeling cursed, I really do know how lucky I am to have had the operation I needed. I had the most wonderful care & very little pain. In the few very difficult times in hospital when I had problems with excessive bleeding the care was second to none. Nothing was ever too much trouble for all of the team at the Nuffield in Brighton. Emotionally transitioning has been right for me. I had never experienced feeling so at peace & tranquil as felt post surgery. I surfed a wave of euphoria which lasted a very long time before crashing into the blue stuff. I am not sure if that was inevitable post op blues or the challenges of external events.

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending is a quote I read recently. I cannot deny my past even if I wished to. As a very shy private person with no self esteem & little confidence when I first transitioned it felt at first like I had to almost wear my past on my sleeve. By living the life I found a confidence within that I never dreamed possible. The GRS gave further validation. Life is not perfect for anyone. My hopes & dreams before surgery were realistic but were exceeded in many ways. It felt a very spiritual time for me.

I was extremely tired when I first came home from the hospital & had to go back on my HRT a.s.a.p. before I became too much of a moody cow! There was a period initially when I came home to recover which felt like testosterone's last stand. Probably due to being off hormones for several weeks & exhausted my body seemed to go through a second puberty. This involved changes to hair texture. I had been warned by the lady who did my laser & electrolysis that there may be a brief period when apparently dormant facial hair would have a spurt of regrowth & she was right. On the plus side there was to be an unexpected change in the texture of the hair on my head which has grown thicker with every month. Not a miracle growth but significant enough to boost my self esteem. Once the short period of hormonal imbalance settled down the tranquility returned. Gradually my body changed, I put on over a stone in weight, thankfully I needed to & most of it went in the right places. Although I had been on prescribed hormones for 12 years before my op & never been blessed with more than an A cup, they had almost completely disappeared in the 6 weeks I had to be without my HRT patches. The cheeks of my face which had been rather gaunt for several years filled out nicely. I have my bad hair days & days when my confidence evaporates due to an avalanche of insecurities but they feel "normal", the same as any other woman. I just get on with life now & when I fall on my bad days I find I can bounce back so much stronger, most of the time. From being too afraid to be my true self & wondering how people can go through so many changes, I now feel I have earned the right to be out there just getting on with my life, the same as any one else. I have always had respect & compassion for others but for so much of my life always treated myself in ways I would never have a friend. How I feel about my self has changed so much. The ordinariness of my everyday life, the simple pleasures, the quiet times are to be cherished. where once a dysphoric voice would always scream there is mostly always peace. Occasionally I have dysphoric times but I have been very happy with the outcome. Life has been so much better than it ever was before.

One of the realities I have had to come to terms with & have begun to question is when it comes to relationships; at work, socially or in our private lives, how I/we fit into this world as a woman with a certain historical past. Our past is always going to be there & with the potential to be used negatively against us when it suits. No matter how far we travel, the memories will follow in the baggage car.

I am very emotionally driven & its taken a while to realise I need to change my way of thinking .The golden times are when I am able to live for the moment for the "here & now".

I have made some wonderful friends. According to CS Lewis Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." So many of the friends I have made here have been inspirational. You helped support me on my journey especially through the difficult times & is something I will always be grateful for. You really helped transform my life.

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.

The tender handshake between myself & the remarkable Liz Hills on the day I left hospital says sooooooo much.

So sorry for leaving it so long between posts. I have been so busy living life. A minor temporary set back to my health with a virus made me feel a little poorly & unable to blog but its nice to be back online again.

God Bless.
Take care
Love
Debbie x

As one door closes another one opens.

Some time ago during a rare quiet moment while I was working with the volunteer manager at my local hospital she had asked me "what dream job would you like to do if you were able to have the opportunity?" "Art therapist", I had replied. She explained they do not have many opportunities for that kind of role but she would try to find out for me. As I believed you needed to have a degree to do that kind of work I thought no more about it.

There is a familiar old saying "as one door closes another one opens".

On the very same day last month when I had received a letter bringing so much despair to my life, the hospital volunteer manager had been contacted by the acting head teacher of a very special school which is situated in the grounds of the hospital. They provide a homely and welcoming environment in order to support, care and manage children’s physical, psychological, educational and social needs from the ages of 0-16 years. They use a structured programme of care and treatment usually in a non medical setting. They are a highly specialised inpatient paediatric/psychiatric unit, providing assessment and treatment of serious chronic illness using holistic, medical and psychological models of treatment. Due to the unique implementation of a joint medical and psychological inpatient approach, they can sometimes offer treatment for a child/young person and their family if other treatment has not been successful. They wanted to meet me.

A week ago last Thursday I went for my for my first interview there. Miraculously I awoke after a very rare good nights sleep, minus depression & found myself climbing out of the bed on the right side, for the first time in ages. I was so nervous but I need not have worried. The deputy head teacher was so compassionate, just as you would imagine for some one in that position. She was impressed by my portfolio of work & willingness to help in any way I could. She invited me a long for a second interview where I could meet further members of the team including both nurses & teachers. They required an artistic person to support their full time teaching staff on one of the wards. I was a little taken aback when she asked me to attend the children's cancer ward where she needed to do an assessment for a child's educational needs.

I did not want to let anyone down. The children's needs & care are paramount. I could not say no but I was not sure if I was capable of providing the right kind of support to their so precious lives. This was a duty that requires you to be totally giving. No thoughts for self, no introspection, no insecurities, no gender issues. Recently my creativity had felt blocked & my emotions had been all over the place, which made me vigorously question if I could or should pursue this role even though it was potentially a golden opportunity to pursue a dream.

I went to the children's cancer ward on Thursday for the second interview. It proved to be a day which could change me for ever. In a world of total flux & uncertainty the one thing those courageous children could have some control over was their education. By offering them the chance to continue their education the wonderful staff gave them hope & belief they have a future. The staff quickly build up a very close relationship with the children.

They are an incredibly supportive, intuitive team & seem to have a second sense of how the children, their families & also their colleagues, are feeling. If they did not care or feel for the children in their care they would not be doing the job. All the staff care deeply & sometimes the emotions get too much for them when a child's health takes a turn for the worse. When this happens they have a quiet room to go to away from the children & their loved ones, as its vital they avoid distressing the children & their families. This was the part of the job I feared I may not be able to cope with. I had previously naively assumed these staff somehow possessed a special ability to control or hide their feelings from the children in their care. When a student, volunteer or new member of staff joins they always try to establish if the new team member has any emotional link with the ward such as Leukaemia in the family. This way they can better understand how they may react in certain circumstances so as to provide the best possible care for the children.

While speaking to the staff leader I felt it appropriate to tell them about my beloved nephew who had leukaemia twice & subsequently needed a heart transplant. I told them of all the wonderful medical care he had received then. When I told her his name she remembered him & his Mum. She had worked there many years & he was a patient when the ward had first opened some 19 years or so ago. It all looked very different now. I was amazed she had such a memory as they must have seen so many patients over the years. When she asked how he was doing now we both shed a tear as I had to tell her he had tragically passed away this year after his heart finally gave out. He had been an inspiration to all who had meet him & touched many lives with his marvellous outlook on life. He lived life to the full, cherishing every moment. Music was his great passion & he fulfilled his dreams by becoming a very successful DJ.

I never imagined one day the circumstances in which I would find myself visiting the same ward in which he had received so much compassionate care. I am not sure if I will be successful or if I am right for the role of supporting the staff in this ward but with the memory of my nephews courage, I am going to give my all, to every day.

The staff leader who I briefly worked with Thursday morning said those who come to the ward have their outlook on life changed for ever & she was right.