Sunday, 8 February 2009

Innocent victims!


3 weeks of mental meltdown. "The big fat cats at my primary care trust health authority seem to have been preying on innocent victims, with absolutely no compassion. Cold hearted ghostly Killers who stalk their victims, minds, by day & by night! Perhaps I am just the conduit to allow them to come through from the darkside? There is a link between me & most of the victims, which I need to find the power within me, to close down & move forward".
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All this craziness came about over a decision which had shattered my dream that I possibly may have had my surgery later this year only to find months are very likely to now become years. I had completely lost all perspective. Some poor loves get told by their doctors they do not have that long to live. I am so lucky. I know that but sometimes my dysphoria leads to very obsessive thoughts which is the main reason for me needing this surgery. It just takes over your life & life is too short & too precious to allow that to happen. What do I have to worry about, it is only a broken dream? I am not proud of what follows as I descend into the depths of depression, a living hell.
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My world my hopes & dreams appeared shattered on

Friday 23rd Jan 2009:-
Since receiving my bad news about my funding for GRS at Brighton with Mr Thomas on the 23rd January I have faced the most difficult time of my new life. The clock is now ticking as I only have until the 19th February to ask my consultant to mount an appeal. I have been surviving but only just. I feel my family & I are the innocent victims of a one size fits all agreement/system that simply cannot deal with or accept the exceptional case of someone with 12 years specialist gender care. We are not the only victims.
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My new life, my recovery to better health, my future attempts to get back to the work place, have been in meltdown. My creativity seems more far away than ever. My brushes have sadly not touched paint this year. I keep having panic attacks & sleepless nights caused by all the worry. I wake up crying most mornings & when I found out my Mum was also being badly effected in a similar way, it ripped at my heart even more. We had been through so much together. Our life was just showing signs of returning to normal, what ever that is. My head feels like its being pushed under water by all my worries, I am drowning & on my last breath of air, then some how my family & friends & my new found spirit, drag me back up to the surface. I am trying so hard to survive, to not think like a victim. My heart is willing but........................
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I have no control over these faceless peoples decision but I can chose not to let them effect how I feel. I have to hold onto that thought but it is a perilous grip. I have been at my weakest & found out just how strong I am now. Not very but.............!
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I have been blessed by so much love & support from my dear parents & friends some of whom have only recently kindly made contact with me. A dear lady called Caroline who had a very bad experience with a consultation some 40 years ago posted a reply on my blog. Her story was heart breaking but quite familiar for how Charring Cross used to treat their patients. If I had gone through the experience she must have gone through quite simply I would have been dead before I was twenty. The cruel arrogant phobic bullies who used to play games with gender dysphoric patients lives were monsters. ChX would have pushed me through hoops that would have quickly become a noose. I hope she can some how heal enough to be true to her heart. Bless you my friend. There but for the grace of God go I. How many innocent victims have been lost thanks to the cruel system that is supposedly there to help them with their health care, for all kinds of conditions? How do these people, chose who to save?
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Wednesday 4th February 2009:-
I had a meeting with my consultant psychiatrist to discus my appeal on Wednesday afternoon. My dear Mum actually came along to support me for the first time at such a meeting to do with my gender issues. She had actually gone from praying I never transitioned & begging me not to transition while they were alive to praying I could receive this surgery because she knew how right it was for me. What more proof do these people need?
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I had received a rather sinister phone call on the Wednesday morning from a person I had naively believed to be neutral, a complaints manager. She was actually working purely for the SCPCT & attempted to pressurise me into blaming my consultant & not the Trust over the lack of communicating an agreement which has thrown my care plan into utter turmoil & wrecked my health. I will never bite the hand that has fed me. My consultant has been so supportive. It was quickly apparent he to had received a similar threatening call to tow the company line. He had never had to deal with a rejection & make an appeal before, which speaks volumes about my case. I broke down in tears & had a massive panic attack. I had to beg him to speak to my counsellor as I became too distressed to speak. He kindly quickly arranged to write a very supportive letter detailing the effects to my health but nothing that would cause friction with his bosses. How sad that he too, such a kind compassionate doctor, had also become an innocent victim . He was very frustrated at the way the NHS is now run by managers & financial people. Gone were the days when consultants ruled the medical world. He too is powerless to do the job he joined the NHS for, which was to help & care for his patients. A wall of faceless managers now blocked his goodwill. My Mum was an Angel beside me. My appeal seems doomed to failure & very likely to end up in a legal battle, possibly even a judicial review. I am not sure I have the stomach for such a long drawn out process but I have come too far to give up now.I am beginning to see this distressing cruel verdict is perhaps not so much about transphobia & possibly more about some on the commissioning panel being concerned about funding going out of the NHS to a private hospital.
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Wednesday evening we were all shattered & my Mum our pet corgi & I all fell asleep on our settee. My dear Mum woke up in tears as all her old fears resurfaced. She was worried about a court case & bad publicity, that thugs would attack us & find out where we lived. How I wish I had not put her through such an ordeal. It was heartbreaking & the last thing I wanted to happen, was to see my dear parents under such pressure. Thankfully she settled down & some how managed to sleep. She too had become another innocent victim.
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This journey for me is about the human spirit. We are not alone with the challenges we face. I have really struggled with depression since the awful news I received but I am so lucky. I am at my most vulnerable mental state since the most wonderful year of my life. Julia has been keeping my spirits up. Another kind friend Jessica had warned me not to let this appeal business eat me up & set me back to where I had started. I should have listened to her wise advice. When you are ill yourself & too embroiled in turmoil your clarity is completely lost.
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Thursday 5th February 2009:-
I nearly died last Thursday in a car crash but for the brilliant quick reactions of the driver coming the other way onto a mini roundabout. I dare say had Bob been driving he would have dragged me out of the car & killed me himself. All he saw was me an hysterical woman driver. I ow this guy my life. It was totally my fault. In a dysphoric haze fuelled by the onset of a depression which had been in remission for over a year, I had driven away from the hospital where I had just gone to pick up my appeal letter to review. By a cruel twist of fate a report of my previous routine appointment prior to my receiving the bad news had arrived in the post the same day. It was so positive. I had finally seemed to have my life back on track & now my emotions were all over the place again. My care plan, my future lay in ruins. The staff, as always were so compassionate, so kind to me. The comforted me as I broke down with yet another panic attack. I stayed their in bits tears rolling down my cheeks until I thought my emotions had subsided. Alas I was wrong. I tried to drive home, & got no more than 500 yards from the hospital exit. I was not concentrating on the present. I was stuck between my past & what seemed a bleak future. A large black 4 x 4 jeep was turning right & was going correctly round the roundabout. I never saw it, I was blinded by dysphoria & worry. That was no excuse. I had come very very close to leaving this world, possibly taking the family in the car I nearly crashed into with me. Yet more Innocent victims. I would never have forgiven myself. The rampaging dysphoria has only just started to ease this weekend. How I wish I could just turn off that wailing voice for ever!
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Friday 6th February 2009:-
Out of great sadness something remarkable happened. On Friday Mum & Dad kindly offered to part fund my surgery. OMG! They could not bare to see their new daughter suffer such mental cruelty & were desperately offering money they simply could ill afford; such was their now totally unconditional love. You just cannot equate money with love. Their love & support is beyond any material wealth & absolutely priceless. What more could a daughter ask for? I have to get well. I have to fight off my demons once more; I cannot let my parents down or give them any more cause to worry.
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Saturday 7th February 2009:-
Even my darling little doggy has been traumatised by the recent atmosphere. Animals have feelings too. I strongly believe they have a soul. They certainly have more soul than some of the humans that have the unenviable job of playing God with peoples futures. My little fury friend seemed to feel the negative energy. He too was another victim. At last this weekend I can feel a calmness returning, hopefully not the calm before the storm. I have learned what is most important to me, my family & my friends!I am determined not to let those soulless financial people steal my dreams, but is so hard so very very hard just now.
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Monday 9th February 2009:-
Realisation day. The theraputic value of blogging & the wise words of a far away friend give me the wake up call I desperately needed. I have become completely obsessed & I need to stop this becoming the blog & the life of a mad woman. Thanks to my friend Alan who kindly posted a reply to this mad rambling cry in the dark, I can perhaps see light again.

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Friends make such a difference. I am inspired by the incredible spirit of so many of my special friends. A spirit typified by the ability of dear Jo to scrape herself up off the floor weighed down by real heartbreaking emotion, to fight for her future, supported by magical friends. Every town should have a Doris world! A place full of true friends! So many of you, who kindly pop by from time to time from all over the world, with all kinds of different lives, inspire me to keep going.
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So many of you took the trouble to reach out & touch my heart. Kind remarks like yours make such a difference. I try in my own humble way to do the same but recently my mind has been selfishly blinkered by dysphoria. I feel I have been neglecting my family, my friends & my plans for my future. Everything is shrouded in dysphoria & negativity. That is exactly why I need my surgery, to finally get well & just be able to get on with my life.
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I thank you all, with all my heart. May your problems be small & all your hopes & dreams come true.
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Love
Debbie

5 comments:

Anji said...

You have so many battles on so many levels. I admire the way you continue. I think there will be a lot of victims in the effort to 'save' money in hospitals all over europe.

I recently read the story of a women who'd been fast tracked into sugery many years ago. she now lives in a body which she didn't really need to have. Your consultant sounds a lovely person, there must be a lot of resentment that others, who know nothing, hold the purse strings.

Your mother really is exceptional. She's an example to us all!

alan said...

Sad as well among all of this is that those who seek to deny everyone else would be the first to cry out were it themselves or a loved one treated the same way...

Somehow you have to get through all of this, Debbie, whether it's despite them or to spite them!

Please?

alan

Debbie K said...

Thank you so much Anji & Alan. Your wise & compassionate words mean so much to me.

You are right Angie, this is likely to be a common problem with the global economy in more of a meltdown than just my health. My Mum has been soooooo kind to me.

Alan my friend. Your reply has given me one of those light bulb momments. You are so astute with your observation. I was too close to see what was happening. Bles you.

Love
Debbie

Loris Lane said...

Hi Debbie,
we twist and turn through light and shadow at breakneck speeds. I hope clarity breaks out to help guide you.
Take care
Loris x

LucyTolliday said...

I wish I could find the right words, thankfully others can and have on your blog. More importantly sort everything out. It's not easy, never give up hope though. Love and hugs x