The Ugly Duckling

So much of my life, this journey I have needed to take, has been about perception. "How I had been perceived in the world & how I perceived myself". Appearances can be deceptive & judgements based on assumptions not always the right ones.
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I have been trying to get on with building my new life. Thankfully I seemed to have swapped the roller coaster life I used to have at the start of my transition for a slightly more relaxed life, akin to one of those low budget game shows where a contestant has to take part in a solo its a knockout style task of leaping from one platform to another across water never knowing if the platforms going to be solid or if they are going to get drenched, in my case some times in tears.
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My dear Mums recent health worries were a source of great anxiety for all of my family but she now appears to be making a good recovery. She has in recent times appeared frail but thankfully she may be a lot stronger than she looks. We had a lovely family walk along the river on Monday & were rewarded with the glorious sight of these swans & their month old new signets. They reminded me of my childhood memories of the children’s story by Hans Christian Andersen about the Ugly Duckling. I dreamed of being that duckling. Walt Disney did a wonderful version http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lOzBPqkpoE&feature=PlayList&p=F10A850BF419DA1D&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=23
The adult twist to that story for me now is the reality that in the case of swans they may appear beautiful on the outside but they can be very very ugly on the inside.
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Swans can be very territorial particularly during breeding time. They are very protective of their family sometimes over protective. The male swan in the family on this photo is very aggressive & has killed other swan family’s signets. He hisses & threatens anything that gets in his way. I am so glad I am human & have the most wonderful devoted gentle man for a Dad.
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In many ways I am the signet who never quite left the nest who was too nervous to learn how to fly. Learning to fly at my age is quite a challenge. Like the duckling in the story I have on many occasions felt like the world is laughing at my feeble attempts to conform to something I was never born to be. Now my life is free from these constraints & I am able to joyously just be true to my soul as nature intended, my life is so much more fulfilled. In times of turbulence I still tend to flap too much & may be try too hard. That is also just something I have to accept is part of my nature.
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Recently the cumulative effect of certain external events beyond our control have made my family & I feel very vulnerable to some of the harsh realities of the modern world. I am becoming increasingly anxious how they will cope during the time when I am unable to be there for them during the post operative recovery stage of my gender realignment surgery. It is a perhaps a slightly irrational fear of the unknown, too which my anxiety fuels the worst of my imagination.
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Some of my thoughts recently have unsettled me. I will never be beautiful on the outside but I had hoped I would stop feeling ugly on the inside. I need to find the right balance & face some uncomfortable truths. I have to appreciate I cannot be responsible for how my loved ones feel or wish to act. I must not be overprotective like that swan & must also be careful to respect my parents by not smothering them with love. My priority is there well being & their feelings, not me. They too need to be allowed to live their precious lives & fly free as nature intended.
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Life is both wonderful & sometimes scary, with phases of melancholy, blissful ordinariness & total chaos. A wise & wonderful dog walking friend of mine who suffers from MS has been an inspiration to me. She has such a positive outlook on life & explained her secret as that "where possible life is to be embraced, lived to the full & not to be dictated to by our condition or limited by our circumstance. If only I could always stick to those wise words!
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May your worries become small & your happiness blossom.
Have a good week.
Love
Debbie

My thoughts & prayers are with a kind friend on this blog, dear Lucy Melford, who has recently tragically lost her beloved Father.

I Love You!

If you are blessed to have people in your life you hold dear & love with all your heart it is so important to let them them know just how much you love them, everyday, every chance you get. I try to treasure every moment I have with them & never ever take things for granted. How quickly your perspective on life can change.
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Life had been going along rather hectically but just about normal I guess what ever that really is in this world until.............My dear Mum had a massive panic attack yesterday morning as a result of yet more bother via a letter this time regarding the boiler. I have been spending more & more time looking after my parents as they have become more vulnerable with time to the sometimes cruel pressures of the modern world. The heartless swines at a big corporation had been deliberately passing the buck regarding a fault of their making & treating my parents with contempt & no regard for their years. Nearly half a dozen visits by engineers, numerous phone calls resulted in them being without heating & hot water for almost a week.
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My poor Mum could not take any more. She become hysterical & would not stop screaming. This all happened while I was at an interview yesterday lunch time leaving my poor Dad to try to cope with the crisis all on his own. I phoned the minute I got back to my car as I was due to be taking Mum to her friends in the afternoon. Dad told me to get home as we have a serious problem. At first he would not say any more for fear of worrying me, immediately I knew it was Mum but he would not say what was going on. I have never driven my Dads old car so quick & was praying everything would be ok, tears running down my cheeks in total fear. I was so frightened I really thought I had told her I loved her for the last time & would never see her in this life again. The guilt of not being there for my Mum, leaving my poor Dad to cope on his own were horrendous.
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I have never felt such intense feelings of love as when we were seperated on this morning. From the day I witnessed the suffering my Mums sisters tragic death caused her when I was a teenager, I vowed I would always be there for her.
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When I arrived home she was slightly delirious when I got home & looked terrible. She constantly refused to see a doctor or call an ambulance. Thankfully she calmed down & I was able to discreetly dash off to our doctors practice where I received some brilliant help. An appointment was booked for last thing & left that if we could persuade her to come in great, if it stressed her we could cancel it. After a sleep she seemed a little better but she could still not walk properly. When I judged she was calm enough I told her about the appointment at which point she started stressing again but agreed she needed help. Alas when she tried to walk she could barely stand up. I immediately phoned the doctors & thankfully she was able to have a home visit last night by her own GP. He confirmed she had high anxiety & showed all the classic signs of a panic attack. It was really frightening for her but a relief to know it may not be anything too serious.The tablets she has been prescribed seem to be helping but this morning she still seemed quite fragile. Thankfully her walk is back to normal & her spirits rising.
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This had been coming for a while. I should have known. I found myself more anxious not to leave them on their own. Anxiety certainly seems to run in our family. Mum revealed to me this morning she had a mild panic attack on their holiday recently. Apparently a rather extrovert woman who my Mum suspected was on a similar journey to myself visited the hotel they were all staying in. Mum felt really uncomfortable that all her friends would think ill of this person & assume I was as exuberant as this lady. Her old deep routed fears came back to haunt her & with her feeling vulnerable she began to cry & hyper ventilate. Her friends were not in the least bit concerned about the lady & were more concerned that my Mum was becoming unwell. She never told me this for fear of upsetting me. It would not have made any difference to me. There is room for everyone in this world. My parents bless them, come from a different age. Had I known I could have reassured her that her true friends like mine, would not judge her or this lady, & perhaps I might have been more aware she was feeling quite so unwell. Always trying to do the right thing for our loved ones is never easy for any of us. The weight of the guilt can become too hard to carry.
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We have been running around trying to sort out the boiler problems & looking out for a new car. This weekend she never really found time to rest & had little sleep. After several visits to garages & numerous test drives we ended up buying a lovely little Matiz late Sunday afternoon. My parents appeared so happy, the car felt just right for our little family, including our boss, the navigator, or doggy who usually sits alongside me as I willingly chauffeur my family about. Ironically this was one of the first cars we had seen once we started looking & had said we really liked but we still had to run round everywhere else before going back to the first one. We then had the most important task of deciding the colour We have never had a new car car before & as this is likely to be the last we will ever have together it had seemed kind of poignant at the time. How true those slightly maudlin emotions may prove to be. With the government scrappage deal for new cars it appeared a relative bargain at the time but it nearly came at a very high price.

I have been telling my Mum how much I love her & hugging her at every opportunity. When I left for that interview yesterday morning I really feared it may have been the last time I ever saw her alive as I hurtled home in my Dads E type Fiesta!
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"I LOVE YOU MUM"
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The more I try to build a new working life, to be able to pay my way in the world, as a carer, a devoted only daughter, the harder the pull on my heart strings. I feel torn, I feel I am neglecting my loved ones & some of my dear friends. The more I try to build a new life, the more complicated life becomes everything is in transition, nothing stays the same.

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To all of you who are kind enough to visit here & share your lives with me please accept my humblest apologies for not being able to keep in touch or pay your blogs a visit recently. If I have neglected you or said the wrong things in haste please forgive me I have a lot of thoughts on my tiny mind. I have been thinking of you all so very much. I wish I could reach out & hug all of you & particularly those of you who I know who are going through far greater turmoil than I & my little family right now.

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I wish you all good health & happiness. I am off back to my beloved family now. Family has to come first but my heart goes out to all of you, with the many challenges you are also facing.

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(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
God Bless
Love
Debbie