Tuesday, 19 May 2009

I Love You!

If you are blessed to have people in your life you hold dear & love with all your heart it is so important to let them them know just how much you love them, everyday, every chance you get. I try to treasure every moment I have with them & never ever take things for granted. How quickly your perspective on life can change.
.
Life had been going along rather hectically but just about normal I guess what ever that really is in this world until.............My dear Mum had a massive panic attack yesterday morning as a result of yet more bother via a letter this time regarding the boiler. I have been spending more & more time looking after my parents as they have become more vulnerable with time to the sometimes cruel pressures of the modern world. The heartless swines at a big corporation had been deliberately passing the buck regarding a fault of their making & treating my parents with contempt & no regard for their years. Nearly half a dozen visits by engineers, numerous phone calls resulted in them being without heating & hot water for almost a week.
.
My poor Mum could not take any more. She become hysterical & would not stop screaming. This all happened while I was at an interview yesterday lunch time leaving my poor Dad to try to cope with the crisis all on his own. I phoned the minute I got back to my car as I was due to be taking Mum to her friends in the afternoon. Dad told me to get home as we have a serious problem. At first he would not say any more for fear of worrying me, immediately I knew it was Mum but he would not say what was going on. I have never driven my Dads old car so quick & was praying everything would be ok, tears running down my cheeks in total fear. I was so frightened I really thought I had told her I loved her for the last time & would never see her in this life again. The guilt of not being there for my Mum, leaving my poor Dad to cope on his own were horrendous.
.
I have never felt such intense feelings of love as when we were seperated on this morning. From the day I witnessed the suffering my Mums sisters tragic death caused her when I was a teenager, I vowed I would always be there for her.
.
When I arrived home she was slightly delirious when I got home & looked terrible. She constantly refused to see a doctor or call an ambulance. Thankfully she calmed down & I was able to discreetly dash off to our doctors practice where I received some brilliant help. An appointment was booked for last thing & left that if we could persuade her to come in great, if it stressed her we could cancel it. After a sleep she seemed a little better but she could still not walk properly. When I judged she was calm enough I told her about the appointment at which point she started stressing again but agreed she needed help. Alas when she tried to walk she could barely stand up. I immediately phoned the doctors & thankfully she was able to have a home visit last night by her own GP. He confirmed she had high anxiety & showed all the classic signs of a panic attack. It was really frightening for her but a relief to know it may not be anything too serious.The tablets she has been prescribed seem to be helping but this morning she still seemed quite fragile. Thankfully her walk is back to normal & her spirits rising.
.
This had been coming for a while. I should have known. I found myself more anxious not to leave them on their own. Anxiety certainly seems to run in our family. Mum revealed to me this morning she had a mild panic attack on their holiday recently. Apparently a rather extrovert woman who my Mum suspected was on a similar journey to myself visited the hotel they were all staying in. Mum felt really uncomfortable that all her friends would think ill of this person & assume I was as exuberant as this lady. Her old deep routed fears came back to haunt her & with her feeling vulnerable she began to cry & hyper ventilate. Her friends were not in the least bit concerned about the lady & were more concerned that my Mum was becoming unwell. She never told me this for fear of upsetting me. It would not have made any difference to me. There is room for everyone in this world. My parents bless them, come from a different age. Had I known I could have reassured her that her true friends like mine, would not judge her or this lady, & perhaps I might have been more aware she was feeling quite so unwell. Always trying to do the right thing for our loved ones is never easy for any of us. The weight of the guilt can become too hard to carry.
.
We have been running around trying to sort out the boiler problems & looking out for a new car. This weekend she never really found time to rest & had little sleep. After several visits to garages & numerous test drives we ended up buying a lovely little Matiz late Sunday afternoon. My parents appeared so happy, the car felt just right for our little family, including our boss, the navigator, or doggy who usually sits alongside me as I willingly chauffeur my family about. Ironically this was one of the first cars we had seen once we started looking & had said we really liked but we still had to run round everywhere else before going back to the first one. We then had the most important task of deciding the colour We have never had a new car car before & as this is likely to be the last we will ever have together it had seemed kind of poignant at the time. How true those slightly maudlin emotions may prove to be. With the government scrappage deal for new cars it appeared a relative bargain at the time but it nearly came at a very high price.

I have been telling my Mum how much I love her & hugging her at every opportunity. When I left for that interview yesterday morning I really feared it may have been the last time I ever saw her alive as I hurtled home in my Dads E type Fiesta!
.


"I LOVE YOU MUM"
.
The more I try to build a new working life, to be able to pay my way in the world, as a carer, a devoted only daughter, the harder the pull on my heart strings. I feel torn, I feel I am neglecting my loved ones & some of my dear friends. The more I try to build a new life, the more complicated life becomes everything is in transition, nothing stays the same.
.
To all of you who are kind enough to visit here & share your lives with me please accept my humblest apologies for not being able to keep in touch or pay your blogs a visit recently. If I have neglected you or said the wrong things in haste please forgive me I have a lot of thoughts on my tiny mind. I have been thinking of you all so very much. I wish I could reach out & hug all of you & particularly those of you who I know who are going through far greater turmoil than I & my little family right now.
.
I wish you all good health & happiness. I am off back to my beloved family now. Family has to come first but my heart goes out to all of you, with the many challenges you are also facing.
.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
God Bless
Love
Debbie

6 comments:

alan said...

Debbie, taking on the care of your parents by yourself is something that so very very few (at least my country) do anymore, preferring to have them out of sight and out of mind no matter the cost. I am sure you could have chosen an easier path; that you haven't makes me love you all the more!

I hope things continue to get better for all 3 of you!

I had to Google a Matiz and was pleasantly surprised to find it wearing a "bowtie"! I hope you find it as wonderful as we do our Malibu and Silverado!

alan

Anji said...

I'm sorry that your mum has been suffering so much. I hope that calmer days are on the horizon for you all.

You didn't tell us much about your interview! Was it for a job?

You carry so much on your shoulders, it's understandable that you aren't around the blogging world very often.

Take care of each othetr

Jess said...

You and your family are in my thoughts, Debbie JH

Debbie K said...

Bless you Alan, Anji & Jess
I am afraid to write this but Mum seems to be improving although she still seems fragile & struggles to walk the way she used to. She has asked me to take her to have her hair done today which is an encouraging sign.
Love
Debbie

LucyTolliday said...

Of course you and your family comes first. My thoughts are with you all.
Love and hugs x

Debbie K said...

Today was a very good day for my Mum. She managed to come out with Dad & the doggy for a lovely family walk along the river. The sky was grey but there was sunshine in my heart!
May the week be kind to you.
Love
Debbie