Monday, 15 February 2010

Standing on the edge of something new

With all I have been through in my life, as crazy as it sounds I do not like change. I took this blurry photo after a sleepless night with blurry eyes, as the sun began to rise as I lay in my hospital bed, too afraid to move very far in case I started to bleed again, after my GRS in November last year. Three months later I am ready to open my wings and begin to experience my new life.

I am still very happy and have no regrets. I continue to have my challenges, my personal demons.

One of my major Goals for this year is to try to return to paid employment. After having to give up my career due to ill health caused by gender dysphoria, work related stress and a degree of victimisation, some five years ago, I need to keep my faith and try not to panic. Trying to find any kind of paid employment during a world wide recession while dealing with the separation anxiety my family and I feel having such a loving close relationship is proving quite daunting.

I burst into tears today at a meeting with a kind gentleman who has been advising me how best to achieve this. They were actually tears of joy. I have come a very long way and my life has changed so much for the better now but none the less I find taking the next steps in my new life a real dilemma. I need to push my boundaries, keep moving forward. I also have to be careful to judge the pace of my recovery, the movement I need to maintain and not to do too much too soon or set myself up to fail.

Recently I was very moved by the wise words of a very kind lady called Tess on the Angels support forum. A forum for transgendered people which used to be such a haven, a forum from which i have made some very special friends. She kindly reached out to support a sister and replied to a person who was struggling to face the next big challenge in her life. Her wise poigniant words are below.

The words of an Angel.

"Sometimes when we stand on the edge of something new, even of something we have planned and wished and hoped for for years, the immensity of the step before us is paralysing.

Whatever it is we are leaving behind it is familiar. It may have been warm and comfortable, but wrong; it may have been an awful place that we have been desperate to leave. Whichever it is it is what we have known and its boundaries, its dangers and its comforts are well-known. However horrible it is we are safe there, we have routines and we are habituated to it.

Standing on the edge of the new life, with our wings spread is the worst moment of all. Below us is the unknown and we will be stepping away from everything that was once reliable. Here, at this moment, we can step back. We can say “No.” After all we have survived here for so long. Curling back onto a ball will make the fear go away and the familiar come back.

But what if this chance only ever comes once? All that time spent dreaming, planning and preparing, all the effort we have put into getting to this point that was about what might be; the things that we want. These plans have been built with hope, with love and with excitement. If we don’t take that chance, seize this opportunity there is no reason why we cannot plan it all again. We will always have that plan, we can enact it anytime. But deep inside we know that the chance has gone, that it will never happen now. So when we dream and plan even prepare we are no longer building with hope, we are building with regret. And nothing good has ever been built with regret. "

May your week be kind to you.
Peace and love


Anji said...

Change is hard. I hope that you find yourself a job that you want to do, that makes you feel fulfilled.

I love the photo.

I'm sure that you have strong wings to carry you forwards

caroline said...

I have filed those words which are so apt for me at the moment.

Have not long rediscovered tears after half a century of emotional control but even more recently found those tears of joy which I never imagined I would ever experience.

Marvellous to hear that things are moving forward so well for you.

Caroline xxx

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post.