Monday, 19 April 2010

Oh Deer!

Perhaps I have been overdoing things a bit as all of a sudden it all seemed to catch up with me. How many times must a doctor hear that?

As another landmark birthday approaches this year I am of an age where I am too old to die young and hopefully still too young to be considered an old dear, but.....

I did my best with the NHS Admin Computer course but it was not enough. The course was so intensive. By mid morning I had fallen behind. By mid afternoon I was the only one left out of six and as the tutor explained when she asked me to stop, just one of the ten percent who do not finish the course in one session. I completed five out of seven sections and got everything I did right but it felt like I failed. I was dreading failing but consoled myself that I had never seen or used the two different software programmes before & at least I had not panicked or got flustered. I am not going to give up. Sometimes things feel pointless. May be that path is not for me. Its only a failure if I give up and stop trying.

Afterwards I discontentedly went to see the volunteer co-ordinator to explain how I had got on. She told me not to worry and that the admin team I had been working with would need to be able to give me time to watch them using the live system for booking appointments and tracking information. They were all overworked and understaffed, the news of probable NHS job cuts appeared in the local paper that week, so moral was not good. I wanted to help them and not be a hindrance and also gain valuable work experience in the process but I could understandably not be allowed access to the system until I passed the course and they were all so busy.

I felt rather guilty but decided to indulge in some retail therapy and bought the new top I had promised myself just to cheer myself up. It had been the longest day I had been at work for many years and I was exhausted when I finally got home and became overtired struggling to sleep that night as my mind refused to switch off.
I really wanted to improve my chances of finding work so this setback together with more bad news from another company that I had hoped one day might provide me with an opportunity for employment left me temporarily feeling low.

I have financially never been poorer but I was reminded how rich my life is now by the simple pleasures in life I am now able to appreciate. While out walking along the river with my beloved Dad and our doggy in the early morning Sun we were blessed with the sight of a deer on the opposite bank of the river. At first only its white bottom gave its appearance away. I fortunately had my camera with me and managed a picture before it melted away back into the undergrowth. A crowd of our friends gathered to watch and as two gentleman walked by they remarked jovially "look at that Dear photographing a Deer, you don’t get to see that very often!”
As I was make up free, resplendent in my rather unglamorous dog walking gear, skinny jeggings and an old top, in the company of my dear Dad, who had once vowed never to walk with Debbie, with our friends who we had once thought may shun us, my gender not an issue, accepted and perceived the gender I have always been in my heart, this was another life affirming priceless experience.

I have been rushed off my feet recently as I have tried to push myself harder and had some health problems as a consequence but when I returned to the admin team last week they were so kind. Most of them had not passed the course in one session first time and even the supervisor had found the system difficult to learn, as well as some young students. They were all so lovely to me. They took me under their wing and made me feel like part of their team, one of the girls, closer perhaps to being an old dear, more than ever!

May life be kind to you.


Karen said...

Hi Debbie,
There is something very uplifting about the tone of this post. You've had a couple of set backs but taken them well. Keep going, but look after yourself.
Love the picture of the deer. Anytime I've seen anything similar I've never had my camera with me.
Karen x

alan said...

I was thinking of your Dad a bit ago...I've been playing with Twitter of late and one of the things I follow is a feed titled RAF Duxford 1940; it's taken from their logs. On this date 70 years ago they received 3 new Spitfires from "Little Rissington"

I don't know whether those might interest him or not.

Beyond skills and the tech involved, the biggest thing needed to help people is a heart with a desire to and I can't imagine a more beautiful heart than yours!


Anji said...

At least you tried and as you said you did not panic or get flustered. Having taught adults I can tell you that it is not easy to go back into learning mode, we all forget that. You collegues sound like a wonderful bunch of people.

It's a lovely picture of a deer, my dear!

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blogs.
You are so honest and have a wonderful spirit.
Dont worry if you finished 5 of the 7 modules thats nearly 75% which is a real achievement when you havent had the specific software experiance others have had.
Like you say you approached it in a positive manner and did not run from the challenge. That is something also to be proud of.
Most great things in life are not achieved easily.
It sounds like you work with a decent group of people also.

Jo said...

You know of course that it's not the setbacks that define our success or failure (if such a thing exists)...but what we do in response to them. You got up, dusted yourself down, carried on...well done honey.

You'll get there.

Love the pic btw :-)

陽峰 said...


Calie said...

I loved Karen's comment. Good luck with the job search.

Calie xxx