Thursday, 16 October 2008

Scared

I am all mixed up today. We are all getting really nervous about my Dads MRI scan at 6 o'clock today. He does not want to go to hospital. The poor love is frightened about what they may find. We all are.

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He is our Lion Heart, the leader of our family.

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I took him to hospital to get a hearing aid fitted a month or so ago & he went back for what we hoped would be a routine check up only for the consultant to inform my Dad his hearing was considerably worse & needed an MRI scan to establish if there was anything that needed to be looked at. He tried to assure my Dad it was just a precaution but............. My Dad has a large number of moles on his back & has been exposed to asbestos quite a lot during his working life.


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I have been privileged to have some truly courageous friends who cope with the most traumatic situations so well. They have the most incredible, selfless spirit & positive attitude to life. They are inspirational & make me feel so very humble.
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I want to be there for my Dad. To stay strong for him but I feel close to tears just thinking about it. How must the poor love be feeling today? I shudder to think how we will be when we actually get there. I love him so much. All I want is for him to be well.
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My biggest fear is that something should happen to my elderly parents while I transition. My poor Dad ended up in hospital a year or so ago where he was in so much turmoil over my need to transition. Some how he survived. I feel so guilty. I have dragged him through hell to selfishly get where I am today. I have just had the most wonderful uplifting period of my entire life this year. I had actually managed to start to change my negative thinking from always being a glass half empty to a glass half full. Now that glass feels broken & I am so scared.
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As a family we have been through many great challenges in recent years & we may be about to face the biggest of all.

Love
A very tearful Debbie

14 comments:

Anji said...

I'm sure that your dad will be fine. As the consultant said it's a precaution. If it had been anything urgent you wouldn't have waited so long for a scan. It's amazing how the system can speed up if there is anything seriously wrong.
I'm sure that your dad has learnt to appreciate his happy daughter. I'd like to bet he'd be upset if he thought you blamed yourself.

I'll be thinking of you all

Jessica Hart said...

Hope all goes well, Debbie. Thinking of you and him.

alan said...

I've "ridden through the tunnel" twice so far; the first time was trying to determine the cause of some wicked headaches that were always concentrated in the back of my head, on the left side, halfway between the center and my ear. The results found nothing unusual, no explanation. I cut down my caffeine some and tried to quit worrying so much; for the most part they've ended.

The 2nd time I had a fractured ligament in my lower right back, but the ride through the tunnel was when they were still trying to find it and check my discs and vertebrae, etc.. Again, nothing conclusive. I was a bit "larger" than I am now, and the bad part for me was being told that I was "almost too large" for their machine, and that if they had problems I'd have to go to a veterinary clinic. They also had trouble injecting the dye for that test and the little twerp who was straight out of his training school told me it was my fault he had stuck me 4 times and not managed to hit a vein because I was too fat...a nurse doing something else overheard him and told him to leave, then stuck me the first time.

Hopefully if you get this in time, you can not only convince him there is nothing to fear, but it's actually a bit interesting technologically...rather like riding through the fuselage of a Spitfire on a "creeper"!

I've always thought myself better off to know what's going on than to find out later. Forewarned, forearmed and able to plot my own course instead of ending up like my Dad did...

Please pass along a hug from another old aircraft mechanic if he doesn't mind!

alan

Katy J said...

Debbie, My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today. Hope all goes well.

Debbie K said...

Dear Anji, jessica, Alan & Katy
Thank you so much for your kind words.
We have to wait 3 weeks for the results. Dad was really brave. It was really noisy but not painful. He was in & out in 20 minutes or so. My Dad was much more fortunate than poor Alans experience. The nurse was very helpful & put him at ease. He seems very well in himself although the hearing loss is clearly debilitating. We are all going to be anxious until we get the results. If there is a problem the scan will tell us. It is such a shame to have this hanging over him with their diamond wedding anniversary coming up on the 30th. No news is good news I suppose & perhaps if the consultant was really worried as you suggested Anji, he would have arranged for the results to come back quicker.
Bless you all

Love
Debbie

Anji said...

Thanks for letting us know. It's horrible that you have to wait so long.

Hugs

alan said...

Thank you for the update, Debbie! I fretted all day and evening about this, hoping he was doing well!

My fingers are crossed for the next 3 weeks, and that somehow that wonderful anniversary is just that in spite of all this!

alan

Katy J said...

Debbie, thanks for the update. Be thoughts will be with you for the next 3 weeks too.

Josephine said...

Here's hoping for the very best honey. Sounds like grounds for cautious optimism?

LucyTolliday said...

Like all above I hope for the best.

Karen said...

I hope everything works out well and thanks.
Hugs
Karen

vikhram said...

Debbie,
If someone were to pay me a million rupees, I wouldn't be able to retrace my steps and figure out how I stumbled on your blog. The photograph of the lion caught my eye, and as I read, I was quite moved. I can't really say I know much about 'transsexuality', but that didn't really matter. What shines through in your writing is your compassion and the love you have for your family. I wish your father a speedy recovery, and your parents many years of togetherness ahead. As for you, happiness is not a bad wish, is it? ;) Stay happy.
Vikhram (from Mumbai.....that's in India). (vikhram1965@yahoo.com)

Debbie K said...

Thank you so much Alan, Anji, Katy. Jo, Lucy, Karen & Vikhram. Love from all over the world. Bless you all.

We are still waiting. My Dad has been having trouble sleeping but otherwise he seems really good. He kicks evey ball listening to the footy on the radio so fingers crossed.

I hope & pray he wins a good result & gets the all clear.

Love
Debbie

Debbie K said...

I am superstious & after the night I have just had I am leaving nothing to chance!
Night night
Love
Debbie