Monday, 10 November 2008


I needed some time away. Some time to think & find some clarity. For the first time since I transitioned in February this year my demons were taking over, my life out of control, my head full of negative thinking & awash with self pity. Self doubt was fueling my anxiety & my mental health was in danger of becoming unstable. My Dads well being is our biggest concern. My family & I are still awaiting news on my dear Dads scan. My little family are my world & mean everything to me. External circumstances had conspired to cause a maelstrom of emotions which I struggled to cope with. Through my enmeshment & gender dysphoric eyes my judgement became clouded & probably selfish. With the onset of the dark & grey days of winter I had lost my way. I needed to remember just how lucky I am. They say elephants never forget. On reflection I can now see how much I have to be so grateful for.

How grateful I am to all those courageous people who sacrificed so much in all the wars past & present all over the world.

I will never ever forget them or the debt that we owe them. In a rat race of a modern world where we as civilians living in peacetime/relative safety appear to lead stressful lives, we have a lot to learn from the brave people who have lived & died during conflict. Certainly in my case, I do not seem to cope very well with the day to day stresses of life, I am truly humble & have the utmost respect for those brave souls who risk their lives for our freedom.

How wonderful it was to see Barack Obama inspire a nation & give hope both to them & the world that dreams can come true.

How precious life is.

How lucky I am to still have my family & to treasure each moment we have left together.

How lucky I am to have the love & support of my wonderful family & friends.

How lucky I am to have the opportunity to be true to my heart.

How lucky I am to have my health & refound my faith.

How grateful I am to my dear Auntie Peg who tragically committed suicide on the 1st November 1979. She had no choice she was in so much pain due to kidney failure & the experimental drugs she was given as a last chance to save her. Witnessing the anguish & grief her death caused my dear Mum helped keep me alive during my darkest hours of turmoil. I visited her grave on the anniversary of her death on a rain sodden day to offer my prayers to her & lay a wreath in her memory. My beloved Mum has never found closure & the pain she still feels is too great for her to continue visiting the cemetery. She never stops thinking about her, such was their great bond & love for each other. For years I have mourned for my dear Auntie. For years I have apologised to her for all the sadness I have caused her sister, my Mum. I have always promised to look after the sister she had to leave here on earth. November 1st 2008 was the first time I attended her grave appearing as the person I have always been in my heart. Through the tears & the rain I gave thanks to her for keeping me safe & enabling me to live my dream.

How grateful I am to the Samaritans of this world.

How my heart goes out to each & everyone who has suffered such mental anguish they felt the need to commit suicide & to the dear grieving families they have left.

How lucky I am to so far not be the victim of a hate crime.

How lucky I am to have friends & how important it is to keep in touch.

How lucky I am to have been able to face my fears & get this far towards being my true self.

I thank the lord for giving me this life.

I will try my best to never ever forget how lucky I am.

Peace & love



Anji said...

We all have so much to be grateful for. I don't think you should use the term 'self pity', a lot of people would have crumbled long ago if they had to go through what you have.

I'm glad to see you back again!

Josephine said...

And we are lucky indeed to have you Debbie.

alan said...

Welcome back, my friend!