Reflections

I needed some time away. Some time to think & find some clarity. For the first time since I transitioned in February this year my demons were taking over, my life out of control, my head full of negative thinking & awash with self pity. Self doubt was fueling my anxiety & my mental health was in danger of becoming unstable. My Dads well being is our biggest concern. My family & I are still awaiting news on my dear Dads scan. My little family are my world & mean everything to me. External circumstances had conspired to cause a maelstrom of emotions which I struggled to cope with. Through my enmeshment & gender dysphoric eyes my judgement became clouded & probably selfish. With the onset of the dark & grey days of winter I had lost my way. I needed to remember just how lucky I am. They say elephants never forget. On reflection I can now see how much I have to be so grateful for.

How grateful I am to all those courageous people who sacrificed so much in all the wars past & present all over the world.

I will never ever forget them or the debt that we owe them. In a rat race of a modern world where we as civilians living in peacetime/relative safety appear to lead stressful lives, we have a lot to learn from the brave people who have lived & died during conflict. Certainly in my case, I do not seem to cope very well with the day to day stresses of life, I am truly humble & have the utmost respect for those brave souls who risk their lives for our freedom.

How wonderful it was to see Barack Obama inspire a nation & give hope both to them & the world that dreams can come true.

How precious life is.

How lucky I am to still have my family & to treasure each moment we have left together.

How lucky I am to have the love & support of my wonderful family & friends.

How lucky I am to have the opportunity to be true to my heart.

How lucky I am to have my health & refound my faith.

How grateful I am to my dear Auntie Peg who tragically committed suicide on the 1st November 1979. She had no choice she was in so much pain due to kidney failure & the experimental drugs she was given as a last chance to save her. Witnessing the anguish & grief her death caused my dear Mum helped keep me alive during my darkest hours of turmoil. I visited her grave on the anniversary of her death on a rain sodden day to offer my prayers to her & lay a wreath in her memory. My beloved Mum has never found closure & the pain she still feels is too great for her to continue visiting the cemetery. She never stops thinking about her, such was their great bond & love for each other. For years I have mourned for my dear Auntie. For years I have apologised to her for all the sadness I have caused her sister, my Mum. I have always promised to look after the sister she had to leave here on earth. November 1st 2008 was the first time I attended her grave appearing as the person I have always been in my heart. Through the tears & the rain I gave thanks to her for keeping me safe & enabling me to live my dream.

How grateful I am to the Samaritans of this world.

How my heart goes out to each & everyone who has suffered such mental anguish they felt the need to commit suicide & to the dear grieving families they have left.

How lucky I am to so far not be the victim of a hate crime.

How lucky I am to have friends & how important it is to keep in touch.

How lucky I am to have been able to face my fears & get this far towards being my true self.

I thank the lord for giving me this life.

I will try my best to never ever forget how lucky I am.

Peace & love

Debbie