Respect & attitude

There seems to be a river of emotions running through my ever changing life just now. Day by day I am gradually discovering you can live with all these emotions, really live & grow stronger, even when we feel so vulnerable. Nature is just taking its course. At times I am none to sure where the river is going to go next.
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It is my forty something Birthday in the next few days. I may just be the oldest teenager in the world. The only differences is that I have a whole lot more wrinkles & perhaps have the experience to recognize I have so much to learn & the reality of knowing I may not have much time left in which to acquire those life experiences.
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I hope to be celebrating my birthday with my beloved parents. I am now able to openly live my life as the person I was born to be. What more could this “old”girl wish for? I am so very lucky.
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Things are still no better with my best friend. Way below freezing & with little sign of a thaw. I have to move on & keep on going with the flow. Thanks to the help & inspiration of my family & remaining friends, I am surviving & growing as I heal from my recent heart ache.
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At times I have begun to wonder if I am just too sensitive to survive in this Modern World. I have been keeping myself really busy. There is so much to juggle with, so much to learn. Nothing seems to be staying the same. It is both exciting & at times scary. My "new dawn" has been rather unreliable as she has had some days which have been good & others particularly recently where I have felt really wobbly but I am still finding positives.
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Memories from my past are haunting parts of my present & are reminding me of my vulnerability. From the age of ten to my early twenties events in my life were to have a lasting impact on my future. My Mum tragically lost all the relatives she had in her family apart from Dad & I. This culminated in the loss of her beloved sister who committed suicide. She never recovered from this final blow & was unable to deal with the loss of her family. She never found closure. Dad was unable to cope & withdrew into himself. Mum turned to me, as her emotional confidante. I tried so hard to do the right thing & make her happy. I felt responsible yet totally powerless. Recognising but not quite resolving that some of those thought processes are similar to those I felt about my best friend are behind my recent turmoil.
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To this day neither Mum or I can cope with loss or being separated. I have had over twelve years of counselling to try to deal with my gender issues & my enmeshment issues. My gender issues are now almost all resolved & that is the most wonderful thing. The enmeshment issues have not changed at all but had been buried until recently. My childhood & adolescent memories, my emotions regarding relationships/friendships, loss & responsibility for feelings are as damaged as they have always been. All these emotions are boiling over. I am not coping at all well. My Mum is also struggling. She is worrying about me & I her. We are feeding each others anxiety. As I try to fight off my depression caused by my feelings of hopelessness at not being able to do the right thing & with both our emotions uncontrollable it is becoming very difficult for us to cope.
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I have found I have lost all my confidence & subconsciously been cutting myself off from my friends. I have felt toxic & do not want to trouble them with my worries & risk bringing them down. With my artistic friends I am still trying to keep everything private but I feel so aware at any moment the whole situation could combust. This again is part of my nature.
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All I want is for my family & friends to be happy. At times my heart gets overloaded with this wish. With the best of intentions, I irrationally feel that it is some how my responsibility/fault if they are not happy.
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I initially could not cope with losing my friend & at least now recognising similar thought processes I am beginning to slowly recognise them & deal with them. Even now I am crying at the coldness of my once best friends reply to a recent email. All that matters to me is my parents health. I am determined not to cause them any more worry. This is all so unnecessary & for the first time I am feeling slight anger at allowing my reaction to my friends choice to end our special friendship over a complete misunderstanding, to hurt me & more importantly my family.
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My friend had become almost like family to me except she was not related. She has every right to chose who she is friends with, as we all do. I am beginning to cope with this loss, so there is some positive experience to be gained from this awful heart breaking situation. Things could be an awful lot worse, I could lose so much more.
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I faced another of life life's little challenges this morning when my fears manifested themselves into a real physical threat to my family when I was least expecting it.
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At 9 o’clock this morning I went for my regular morning walk with my Dad & our doggy along the river only to be confronted by some young hooligans. Two young men were sat with their girlfriends at a bench. One of them was showing off a bit to impress his girlfriend but we did not pay them any attention. Some distance from them there was a discarded bottle laying on its side. I decided to pick it up & simply put it in the waste bin a few yards away to keep the park tidy. As we walked on, the guy started hurling abuse & making threats. ”That woman has stolen my drink. I am going to go & take her silly hat”. Other more threatening abuse ensued but we just kept walking. He then grabbed another bottle & proceeded to throw it at the swans who were just passing by on the river. The haven that my community of dog walking friends so enjoyed was being ruined by these morons. We avoid the park in the evening as it is not really safe like so many places in the modern world. The hooligans have no respect for age or gender.
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I felt very afraid as I could not physically defend my elderly Dad or our dog against them. We warned our friends when we came across them to be careful. To their immense credit two of them both retired ex school teachers were not going to be bullied & walked confidently off towards them. They were so assertive. I really admired them. Fortunately the thugs paid them no attention. As Dad & I began to walk back towards them we could see they had stolen some flags from the near by golf course & the ringleader was wielding it violently in all directions. My Dad bless him was all for carrying on towards them but with my confidence so low & with my recent luck I feared something really awful might happen. I persuaded him to walk the other way to avoid them. As we reached the safety of the pay booth by the start of the golf course my Dad reported the hooliganism to the workman. He seemed loathed to take any action, probably knowing the police would be unable to respond & he may put his own life in danger. One of those treasured simple pleasures in life had now been spoiled, another victim of the modern world.
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I was just so grateful to get my Dad & the dog safely back to the car. My Dad who is now 84 years young was so brave he wanted to defend his daughter. He is my hero. My Dad is more of a man than that thug who was showing off in front of his girlfriend, will ever be. I wonder what his girlfriend thought of his behaviour towards an elderly man out walking with his daughter?
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I was trying to humbly protect my Dad in the only way I could. I wish I could have been more assertive like the two ladies who were retired school teachers. I felt so hopeless, so vulnerable. I wish I could have some of their attitude which must come from years of experience. The world has changed so much from the chivalrous society my Dad once new.
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My thoughts turn to the wonderfully courageous veteran solder Henry Allingham who served in the First World War who was sadly buried this week. He lived to the age of 113 years. He deserves our total respect & must never ever be forgotten. So much has changed in his lifetime. Attitudes are certainly different. Are we more tolerant now, is their less respect? Without brave souls like Henry we may never have got the chance to experience the freedoms we have now. What an amazing man with an incredible story to teach us. We owe him so much.
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http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/The-Life-and-Times-of-Henry-Allingham-Formerly-Britains-Oldest-Man-And-A-World-War-I-Veteran/Article/20070611269255?chooseNews=stories.
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I hope you all have a good weekend. Be happy & healthy.
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Lots of love
Debbie

A new dawn

It is is time for a new dawn. I have invested so much of my emotions in only one aspect of my life recently. I did not realise quite how empty, & depressed I would feel when that area of my life suffered such a heart breaking set back.
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I have felt pain like never before. I have become fixated & in turn my unhealthy dependency , my deep seated fear of losing that special friendship, my neediness, may make me lose what I most want to hold on to. If I were to carry on like this I could lose so much more.

A new dawn is coming. I need to believe this. My intense emotions have exaggerated the peaks & troughs of the feelings I have been experiencing. I needed to find some stability. I have been blessed by my friends who have constantly been there for me. It has felt during my dark times that I had lost my Guardian Angel, the friend I hold so dear. I have had to keep my faith & the positive energy from my friends have kept me going through my darkness. They gave & continue to give so much even when they themselves have worries of their own & are often emotionally drained. I have not lost my guardian Angel, I still have my faith!
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There has been too much negativity & self pity from me for which I am truly sorry. The melancholy has got to stop. I have grown through this difficult time & finally beginning to heal. I feel very humble. I had spent too long looking inwards. This week I have been doing a lot of voluntary work to keep busy but also to give something back. The panic, the fear which rises up inside me is gradually diminishing. My neediness is decreasing. I still feel vulnerable & have struggled at times to hold back my tears but I can begin to look outward again. I feel blessed & want to hold onto that feeling for as long as I can.
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"Most sacred heart of Jesus I place all my trust in thee"

Bless you
(((((((((((((((((((((Peaceful thoughts)))))))))))))))))))))))
Love
Debbie

Lost in a Sea of Love

Thank you so much for all of you who have been there for me. Time after time, your kind words have helped to keep my head above water. I am still very fragile but my tears have eased. Its not raining quite so heavily in my heart.

The thing that has saved me & means so much to me, is the love & kindness that has showered down on me from the lovely friends we have here. I have had so many emails, phone calls, offers to meet up or visit from our friends.

Closer to home. My Mum & Dad have been astounding. They are comforting me so much & are now concerned I could jeopardise the surgery they now know I need to have, the very surgery that was once their biggest nightmare. Our pet corgi, my real life teddy bear has not left my side. The staff at my GP's were also unbelievably kind on Friday when I had to pay them a visit.

How I wish I could keep this blog positive. Away from this blog I have to bottle all these feelings up as best I can from my community of artistic friends. The least said the sooner mended. Please forgive me if I pour my emotions out here, I do not mean to whinge or worry you. I have cried myself asleep & woke up crying for days. Gradually things have improved. I managed to sleep for a while & only woke up once in tears & my mind locked back on to all the raw emotions at 3 o'clock in the morning. I have now managed two nights without crying. What saved me & stopped this fit of the night time blues becoming another outright panic attack & wallow in self pity was , the love & positive energy willing me to get through this, that my dear friends here, have offered.

I am both blessed & also cursed by intense emotions. Our self perceived innocence, our needs & sadly their negative impact, can sometimes cause us to lose the very people we hold so dear.

I cannot let go or switch off the cries for help from my lost soul. I am desperately holding onto reality, the safety rail, by the raging sea of emotions I want to dive into, to save what remains of the precious all consuming friendship I once had. Sadly I can no longer write "have" & that is both painful but also the first stage of progress in my healing process.

Due to a complete misunderstanding my own actions no matter how well meant have caused me to burn down the very bridges I was trying to build. Try as I might it is still way too soon for me to ever let go. I am trying so hard not to make contact with her & give them some space, at a time when all I want to do is help them. I fear our friendship may already be damaged beyond repair & can never be the same. The wonderful friendship, with it the flotsam & jettison of the life we once shared, my emotional growth, my creativity have sunk beneath the waves & lay at the sea bed alongside the wreck that once was a ship we both shared. She helped navigate me through the hidden rocks & sandbars that threatened to sink my dreams. Now I have been cast adrift & know I need to focus on other things, not least the journey ahead but I feel so lost. I have to break free from my melancholy. I have to move on.

I long to look outwards again & not in. No longer with a mind full of dysphoria, I am saddened to find my mind now selfishly fixated on my need to repair my broken friendship. I am once again laden with self doubt which threatens the very foundations of my new life. I feel emotionally drained, so tired, but thanks to all the kindness I have received, never alone.
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Once again I am plunged back into a world where I continually ask myself "is it me or is it my T" that may be causing friends to distance themselves from me. Often it is down to paranoia & simply where people are busy with there own lives. I may be too intense, too high maintenance, not good, not good at all.

I have so much to be grateful for & need to keep my faith. I need to keep busy & appreciate the simple pleasures in life.

I will never ever stop caring about my best friend & her husband. They are a wonderful couple. I am just so sorry this misunderstanding ever happened & fear there may be other far more important things worrying them.

It is down to us to handle our own emotions. The tricky bit is in learning how to do that. How do you control your reaction to your emotions? It is just not in my nature. I have no social upbringing to fall back on. In the role I felt society expected of me I was not meant to show my emotions. Back then no one could see me. I felt like I was constantly forced to audition for a part I never wanted to play & even so never let anyone get close enough to the real me for rejection to hurt. Now like the oldest teenager in the world I am trying to deal with all kinds of new emotions. Would I go back to that life, would I stop taking my magical "mones" ? Not in a million years!

My self esteem & confidence are shattered. It is going to take a lot to rebuild them. I have followed my heart so much on this journey I know need to use my head a little just to get some reality/stability. My heart is still broken. If I can unintentionally hurt my best friend so much I must be doing something very very wrong & must be a very toxic friend. I am no Angel & far from perfect. I have felt so ugly inside & out. That you have all so kindly reached out once again to hold my hand in my hour of need is something I will never ever forget. You all touched my heart & you all give me hope.

Thank you. Bless you all


Big ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Love
Debbie

My heart is broken

I have never ever felt pain like this in my life before. My health is deteriorating rapidly due to a heart breaking situation in my private life. My heart is broken.
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I have tried so hard to fight off my depression & ever increasing anxiety but I am struggling to hold back the tidal wave of emotions.
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It is so bloody complicated it is difficult for anyone to help me through this minefield. One false move & everything I hold dear could be gone. That's how it feels to me right now.
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My depression is overwhelming me even though I have increased my medication for the first time in two years. Something I had previously managed to avoid even during the angst I felt when the referral for funding my GRS was initially refused. My anxiety is out of control. My creativity sucked back into a very dark hole.
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I am very depressed but please do not worry I am not suicidal just very very sad. I am not sure where this will all end but I have far too much to live for. What ever happens I doubt very much if things will ever be the same as they once were.
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Just as I had come into the light, a time that should have been filled with so much joy & happiness is shrouded in sadness. This is nothing to do with dysphoria, it is all about life, love & friendship, my family & friends, all that really matters to me.
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A special friendship I hold so dear has been poisoned by a man who does not value his friends who sleeps easy in his bed, while I am left crying.
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Things are not always as they appear. There is so much I just cannot share here, some emotions are just too painful.
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For those dear friends who already know of my situation & have been so kind to me, I am so grateful for your comforting thoughts . I momentarily posted a blog entry titled "pain" when this tragic experience first hit me but almost immediately I tried to delete it as I realised it was wrong off me for reasons of privacy, yet some of you thanks to the marvel of certain modern technologies were able to hear the echo of my pain wrecked cry. I value each & everyone of my friends so much.
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"Most Sacred Heart of Jesus I place all my trust in thee"
Bless you
Love
Debbie

True friends

I value each & every one of my friends. True friends are so precious. They are always there for you in your hour of need.

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They catch you when you fear falling. They give you air to breath & start soaring.

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Sometimes you get things wrong but the friendship stays strong even when they need some space.

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Friends can see how you appear but it takes a true friend to know how you feel.

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Some things are better left unsaid & silence can speak volumes.

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Where ever you are in the world reach out & call up that friend, its good to talk.

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Never let a problem fester be honest before its too late & spoils a relationship that is so very special.

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May you have a very happy 4th July & may life be kind to you.

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Peace & love

Debbie