Monday, 13 July 2009

My heart is broken

I have never ever felt pain like this in my life before. My health is deteriorating rapidly due to a heart breaking situation in my private life. My heart is broken.
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I have tried so hard to fight off my depression & ever increasing anxiety but I am struggling to hold back the tidal wave of emotions.
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It is so bloody complicated it is difficult for anyone to help me through this minefield. One false move & everything I hold dear could be gone. That's how it feels to me right now.
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My depression is overwhelming me even though I have increased my medication for the first time in two years. Something I had previously managed to avoid even during the angst I felt when the referral for funding my GRS was initially refused. My anxiety is out of control. My creativity sucked back into a very dark hole.
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I am very depressed but please do not worry I am not suicidal just very very sad. I am not sure where this will all end but I have far too much to live for. What ever happens I doubt very much if things will ever be the same as they once were.
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Just as I had come into the light, a time that should have been filled with so much joy & happiness is shrouded in sadness. This is nothing to do with dysphoria, it is all about life, love & friendship, my family & friends, all that really matters to me.
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A special friendship I hold so dear has been poisoned by a man who does not value his friends who sleeps easy in his bed, while I am left crying.
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Things are not always as they appear. There is so much I just cannot share here, some emotions are just too painful.
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For those dear friends who already know of my situation & have been so kind to me, I am so grateful for your comforting thoughts . I momentarily posted a blog entry titled "pain" when this tragic experience first hit me but almost immediately I tried to delete it as I realised it was wrong off me for reasons of privacy, yet some of you thanks to the marvel of certain modern technologies were able to hear the echo of my pain wrecked cry. I value each & everyone of my friends so much.
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"Most Sacred Heart of Jesus I place all my trust in thee"
Bless you
Love
Debbie

12 comments:

chrissie said...

Debbie,

I am praying that things become easier for you.

You're in my thoughts.

love
chrissie
xxxxx

Josephine said...

Debbie - hold fast darling. One day, hour, minute at a time. The pain and agony you feel, and feel you will always feel (because that is what it is like), will move on darling. Just be in the now. Let it heal, let it fade a little.

I know of that post, and I know how to read it, but I haven't as I know you wanted to delete it.

Thinking of you, sending you hugs. You have beaten the odds, and distress and depression and hurt before - you will once again. Absolute promise. Let the strength return, just know that you have it and it will find its way back to you.

Love

Jo xxx

Debbie K said...

Dear Chrissie & Jo
Bless you. I have no reference, no previous experience of the pain that I now feel. For that I guess I have to be grateful as I have never felt more alive than I do now.

My spirit has been plummeting. I thought it would never ever stop. Then a friend you both know called. The pain is never going to go. I never want it to. Through my kaleidoscope of emotions she some how managed to help me find some clarity. A painful truth that I needed to see.

It does not make the pain any easier but my decent into a bottomless well of depression & self pity has for the time being been halted. She helped me pull the wire out that was diverting my every thought through my heart at a volume that was leaving me too exhausted to function.

Bless you for your comforting words.
Love
A slightly less panic laden Debbie

Anji said...

I saw that you had posted and then changed your mind. Like Jo, I wouldn't try to pry.
I can only say that time heals. You have moved forward despite everything in the past and you will do so again.

Hugs

alan said...

No matter how dark the sky, the sun always comes out when the storm ends, Debbie...

alan

LucyTolliday said...

You're in my thoughts
*hugs*

Lucy Melford said...

I've only just seen this. Everyone has said the things I would say. Just count me in as one more friend thinking of you. Lucy

Rebecca said...

Debbie, I will definitely be keeping you in my prayers.

Love!
Rebecca

Lori D said...

I don't know what's going on but my heart aches with you, dear friend. Hang tough, and hold fast, as Jo said.

Debbie K said...

Bless you Nicky, Chrissie, Jo, Anji, Karen, Alan, Lucy T, Lucy M, Rebecca, Julia & Lori.
I have been overwhelmed by your love & kindness. I have hit some lows & not been here for a while & everytime i come back there is another little ray of sunshine, a little bit of hope.

Today has been a better day. I managed to do some volunteering at the hospital. I was working with the volunteer I had been asked to buddy & she was a joy to work with. I did not want to be late for her this morning & had trouble thankng those of you who kindly emailed me in the last 24 hours, so please acept my appologies to those of you who I may have worried.
One day at a time, seems to be the best way for me to deal with this. I am trying to keep myself busy. I have a difficult decision to make tomorrow about attending a charity event to raise funds for Cheetahs in the evening, which I just hope does not lead to my friendship becoming critically endangered. I seem to share similar tear stained eye make up to cheetahs & I much prefer running to conflict. I would also give up everything just to avoid confrontation. Just like a cheetah, so perhaps I should support these kindred spirits.

I plucked up the courage to phone my friend but she has gone away on a well deserved break for a few days. When she comes back this Thursday we are all being well going to meet up in the evening. I recognise the hurt she feels & I just want her to know how much I value our friendship. I hope after we meet I can return from the darkness into the light & remove the blackness that has engulfed this blog.

Thanks again for all your support. It has truly helped lift my spirits.
((((((((hugs)))))))
Love
Debbie

Micky J said...

Awe Debbie, you are in my thoughts & prayers. As the others have said hang in there pet

Micky J said...

Awe Debbie, you are in my thoughts & prayers. As the others have said hang in there petOe