Saturday, 13 March 2010

A Mothers love

I would like to dedicate this posting to my Cousin who is a wonderful Mum whose love knows no bounds. She has a husband and two boys who are grown up now and looks after her Mum who has dementia. One of her boys health problems have been a constant worry to her.

On Tuesday we received the news my Cousins son had been rushed into hospital again. He has been through so much in his young 29 years. His Mum has been under so much strain. At 9 he was diagnosed with leukaemia. After lengthy treatment with terrible side effects he somehow found the strength to pull through. He lost all his energy; all of his hair and an important part of his childhood, that he could never get back.

At 18 his heart became too weak to keep working, it had been damaged by all the chemotherapy and prescriptions medication. At first he refused a transplant. He had already suffered enough at this stage in his young life, at the time he felt like he could not face any more surgery after all he had been through. Eventually at the 11th hour his will to live; much to the relief of his parents caused him to agree to the heart transplant that miraculously became available out of another poor persons tragic misfortune.

With his immune system so susceptible to illness his nightmare and that of his loved ones came true, the leukaemia returned once more. Again the brilliant medical staff and his incredible courage and spirit saw him through another life threatening challenge. As a result of going through all the treatment and terrible side effects once again the poor love was also told he would not be able to father a child.

Eventually he found the strength to try to return to a normal life. At first he had a 9 till 5 job working in a shop but this was not enough for him. He and his family have been living one day at a time for so long. His dear Mum put on a very brave face. She knew that the new heart would only last for so long. They have all had to live with this time bomb.

He had always loved music and sport. He was a very handsome young man and very popular with his many friends. He pursued his dreams of becoming a DJ which he became very successful at. He had several girlfriends but alas he knew his health would always be a problem and did not want to have them go through what he had already experienced and put his family through. Recently he sadly split up with a girl who appeared to be the love of his life. This week he attended a sports event and collapsed. His mum and Dad are now by his bedside in a hospital in London hoping for a miracle.

My thoughts and prayers are with them. I hope his dear Mums love will find a way to heal him and her prayers be answered this coming Mothers Day.

I have been having a really difficult time and had to stay off my voluntary work in the last ten days or so I thought until the news we received put it all in perspective. I had written several therapeutic pages to get it out of my system. They were full of self pity which I stopped short of blogging about. I felt guilty letting everyone down. My parents, the people I should have been working with, the doctors who had helped me get this far and the kind friends who had supported me. I had perhaps been doing too much, trying too hard and felt like a light had gone out inside of me. Balancing my life as a carer and trying to find work alongside my heart telling me I needed to be there for my Mum and Dad as they are becoming increasingly frail had left me shattered. As my health has improved so much it feels a little like role reversal in my relationship with my parents. They still need their independence but they need my help more and more. It’s a two way thing in which we both have to be careful not to Mother each other too much as it can be unhealthy. As much as we love each other there is a fine line between Mother and smother. I would love to have been a Mum. I will never know but I feel sure I would not have made a very good parent. I have so much respect for all the good parents out there who are simply amazing.

I had been having insecurities about my appearance as a working woman ,as I began to increase my working hours, some out of vanity, some still dysphoric, some bordering on body dysmorphia. I have also experienced distressing reminders those that transition often get jarred with as well as how impossible it would be for me to deny my mental health history when applying for any position of employment. For a time depression engulfed me and I thought this must be simply post op blues. It was only while visiting my GP for more post op treatment this week that he discovered from some blood tests I was actually anaemic which explained my tiredness. Having a label, a reason in this case helped make sense of how tired I had become.

I know how lucky I am and at the same time I know this life would not be easy for my loved ones or for me. My dear Mum had worried every time I visited London once a month for almost twleve years that her biggest nightmare would come true, that I would one day need to transition. On Monday she will see her daughter travel to see the gender specialist, probably one last time for her post op appoint, with her blessing and unconditional love.

Sometimes we need to see our worries in relation to others to appreciate just how lucky we are.

To all of those Mums out there, God bless you all. None of us would be here without you. To all of you lucky enough to still have your Mums, treasure every moment and build as many happy memories as you can. For those of you who have lost your beloved Mums my heart goes out to you. I am so lucky to still have such a special Mum. For my dear Mum I just want to finish with these humble words.

I love you Mum, so very much.
Happy Mothers Day
Debbie xxxxxxxx

Please say a prayer for my cousins dear Son. May all your worries be small.

PS I would just like to thank my dear friend Julia whose timely phone call this afternoon really lifted my spirits.


Jo said...

Sending a prayer up honey.

And you...don't forget how relatively recently you have been through the physical journey of your life my dear. Don't forget to give yourself time - proper time - to heal, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and build your strength back up again.

Anji said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your cousin. It is very hard when a child is ill.(even if they are grown up)

I remember how difficult anaemia can be. You must be so relieved now that you know what's wrong. You've come a long way in the last few months.

take care


Debbie K said...

Thank you Jo and Anji
Trying to make sense of heart breaking days like today is beyond me.
I am so sorry for the loss my Cousin must be feeling now.

Thank you for your kind words.
Debbie x

Anonymous said...

Your cousin is in my prayers.
I think the advise from Jo is good.
Big hug.