Monday, 27 October 2008

Spit Fire Day

I feel like a crumpled wreck this morning. I deserve it I guess.
Why do the people we love think it is ok to say the most vilest disgusting most hurtful comments about our gender condition?
As a devoted carer I am powerless to deal with it when it happens. I cannot walk away. I try to turn the other cheek but it hurts like Hell.
I am no angel but why over the slightest difference of opinion over absolutely nothing does the cruel trick nature played on us have to be thrown in our faces?
My Mum & Dad met during the war when spitfires dominated the sky. Why now in peace time am I seen as the enemy, an easy target & shot down in pieces?
We have travelled so far. They have both come to accept me & tried so hard to understand. Then out of the blue my Mum cruelly lashes out. So cruel, so manipulative & unnecessary. I must be evil to deserve this. We are all hurting & worried about Dads scan. This is such a special week for them with their Diamond Anniversary coming up. I so want them to be happy. I love them with all my heart. I am so lucky to still have them. Do I care too much? Do I smother them with love?


alan said...

When I saw the header and the photo, your story was the last thing I expected, knowing your Dad had helped build those beautiful birds that saved Britain.

My own mother has done things like this for years; it is her normal mode and I am only shocked when she doesn't seem to do something in it.

Hopefully it just has to do with her fears of the test results, and her dealing with the possibilities of life without the man she's loved for 4/5 of her life. I hope that somehow she realizes what she had done and apologizes...

The Debbie I've come to know and love here can't help but love them no matter what, and care with her entire being. It's just the way she is.

My hope is that she knows how loved she truly is, and that someone lashing out at the unknown, even though she is the victim of it, doesn't change who she is, or how much she is loved!

By so very many!


julia barber said...

So sorry to hear this.Please ring

Anji said...

Yes, your mum is worried about your dad. She hurts and I suppose she knows how to make you hurt too. Although, you too are worried about your dad. Hopefully in a few days this will all be cleared up.

If you can't reveal your feelings to your nearest and dearest who else can you reveal them to? I expect she feels awful about it too.


Debbie K said...

Bless you Alan, Julia & Anji for answering my cry in the dark.

Things were awful yesterday. My Mum is not a bad person. She is a good Mum. She has a lot on her mind, the poor love. She is worried sick about my dear Dad, her own mortality & her crazy mixed up daughter. She has lashed out before but these are isolated instances & so out of character. She was frightened & scared. She was oblivious to the hurt her remarks caused at the time. Julia my dear friend & fellow carer understand what it can be like as a carer. I was shattered. Absolutely crushed. I never expected the level of vile comments to spew from my dear Mums mouth. Thankfully we have agreed to never go to bed on an argument. Eventually when she realised how low I was feeling because of her abuse she grudgingly apologised. Life is too short & I want to treasure every last minute I have with them. A lovely walk with my Dad & the dog have helped this morning but I am still left with a hang over, washed out feeling.

I am so sorry I did not reply yesterday or phone you dear Julia. I was either crying, too numb to speak or back home facing the music.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your concern.


Debbie K said...

Blinded by my selfish gender dysphoria I was powerless to see the bigger picture. My poor Mum as Anji suggested is hurting really bad because she is soooo worried about my Dad.

Josephine said...

Oh Debbie - I'm sorry I missed this.

Yes the explanations of others make sense. I'm sure that's why she did it.

Do they know - really know - how blessed they are to have you?

Do you know - really know - how lucky they are?

I know, of course, that you love them to bits.

Can you stand back, just a little, maybe my friend and say "I have done well. I have been a good daughter. An extraordinary daughter"?

You have. No question whatsoever.

So when pain wells up from your Mum or Dad...don't forget eh? Ever.

They will have their fears and their upsets.Their age, and your Dad's condition will play a big role in what they say and feel...but it changes nothing.

You couldn't be a better daughter.