Monday, 16 March 2009

My destiny will be known this Tuesday

My anxiety has been getting worse by the minute. As much as I have tried to keep running from my destiny I had to get the news one day soon. Today I sent an email to the consultant psychiatrist at the hospital who kindly referred me for GRS funding via the NHS asking if they have any news on the appeal for my referral. He had assured me we should have had an answer to the appeal within 2 weeks & it was now well over a month. By lunch time I had received no reply to my email & the postman had been & gone. I had more concerning matters back home. My beloved parents well being is paramount to me.

This afternoon I took my beloved Mum out to try & cheer her up. The poor love has been really stressed out & felt like she has been living in a cage recently as described in my previous post, "why". I took her shopping to try & find something nice for her birthday. We shared some more priceless time together doing the simple things in life. After tea we went for a picturesque walk along the river with our doggy as the evening sun begun to set.

I did not see the email reply from my consultants secretary until I returned home at 9 o'clock this evening "Hi Debbie Please can you ring me on the number you have as there is news, but cannot discuss it by e.mail."
I am due to be volunteering at the hospital all day tomorrow. I appreciated she could not say anything via email. I do not want to let anyone down & not be able to go in on Tuesday. I am not sure if I will be able to concentrate even if I get there but I will try as I may have to take some more time off in the near future. I will sleep on this as best I can & try to decide what is the best thing for me to do. I think I will be phoning my counsellor for advice as soon as I can. It is going to be a long night. My heart is telling me to attend my volunteer session & help out until mid afternoon. I will then probably go to my parents & phone her at a time that is convenient for her. I would not like to miss her & prolong the agony or keep her waiting. I would drive directly over to the hospital but if the news is as I fear it may be I am likely not to be safe to drive my car back home. At the moment I have an appointment to see my counsellor in London this Friday if I am well enough to travel. I am so sorry to have put the poor secretary in this rather difficult situation as she has been so supportive but I need to know my fate & at least the wait may soon be over.
I found the doors to my destiny in which I posted on the 17th September 2008 after a visit to GRS surgeon Dr Thomas at Brighton. As fate would have it................
By the end of Tuesday 17th March 2009 the doors to my destiny will be either open or jammed closed, hopefully not for ever. My pathway is out of my control, like so many other unfortunate souls. I am blessed in so many ways & so lucky but tomorrow is going to be a very big challenge. I have so few tears left to spill. I have found my journey has become very spiritual & must keep my faith in God & human nature.

"Most sacred heart of Jesus I place all my trust in thee"





Jo said...

I am sending you all my love and luck Debbie. Stay strong for tomorrow...

You're right, it's beyond your control honey. So I hope you're getting some sleep tonight.

I'll add this my friend. If this news is good, no-one deserved it more...things move forward as you'd hoped and dreamed, and everyone who reads this blog will be delighted for you, truly.

If the news is not so good...steel yourself. Please. Keep a little bit of armour plating ready inside and be prepared to pull it up around you. And know that it ISN'T the end of the story, and that things will go forward for you somehow.

I have everything crossed for you Debbie xxx

Michelle said...

Hi Debbie,
I truly hope and pray that you will get the news that you want, I will send out some prayers for you tonight. I am glad you are able to spend time with your mother. This is one thing that I miss dearly. My mother past away a few years ago now, but I still wish I had time to talk to her like we used to:( What ever the news is tomorrow hon, keep your head high and proud. Because I believe that we all have a purpose in life being trans. And whatever the purpose is for each of us, we must remain strong and not let the outside world crush us (God I hope I can do the same with the crap that going on in my life right now). Remember my friend, you can always call on us if you need a hand.
Hugs Michelle
P.S. Thank you again for you kind comments on my last blog.

Anonymous said...

Dear Debbie I hope things will of gone your way. I leave you with these wise quotes.

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.
-Danny Kaye

Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.
-Hans Christian Anderson

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
-Marie Curie

Once more my dear friends unto the breach.
-William Shakspeare

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
- Maureen Dowd

All our dreams can come true - if we have the courage to pursue them.
- Walt Disney

The hard way is the right way
- John Alves

The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.
- Virginia Woolf

Anji said...

I've read this on Tuesday morning. I hope you managed to sleep a lttle. I'll be thinking of you all day.

You will find your way through the maze.

I love the Danny Kaye quote

Lucie said...

I do agree with that has been said above. I will be thinking of you. Best wishes.

Debbie K said...

Bless all of you
I feel strangely calm this morning. Only upon reading your kind words did an emotion filled hiatus rise up in me.
There are some poor loves who do not even dare sleep for fear of never seeing another dawn.
I cannot run from my lions anymore I have to look them in the eye, but before I do I am going to do my morning volunteer session at the hospital. My dear Mum has had a far worse night than I have & it is that guilt I feel which weighs so heavy.
Thanks again for your kind thoughts.