Sunday, 15 March 2009

Why do I still cry when I hear this song?

This Sunday I was on my parents settee snuggling up to my lovely doggy, my little ray of sunshine, feeling very emotional. I seem to be unravelling just now. I looked at my dear Mum all frail & stressed out, worrying about all her aches & pains, the bills but worst of all the son she never had. The grown up child, thats never left the nest. I feel so tired, torn apart. I hoped I had gone beyond the guilt I feel, at putting my loved ones through all this hell. As Mum imparts her world is closing in, it feels like a cage, as her 81st birthday fast approaches my hearts ripped open.
Then a song being played on the television jolts me back in time to the early 90's before I disclosed my truth, passed on my disease, my condition to destroy my Mum & Dads world for ever.


How many times do I have to try to tell you.

That I'm sorry for the things I've done.

But when I start to try to tell you.

That's when you have to tell me.

Hey... this kind of trouble's only just begun.

I tell myself too many times.

Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut.

That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words.

That keep on falling from your mouth.

Falling from your mouth.

Falling from your mouth.

Tell me...Why.

WhyI may be mad.

I may be blind.

I may be viciously unkind.

But I can still read what you're thinking.

And I've heard it said too many times.

That you'd be better off.

Besides...Why can't you see this boat is sinking(this boat is sinking this boat is sinking).

Let's go down to the water's edge we can cast away those doubts.

Some things are better left unsaid.

But they still turn me inside out.

Turning inside out turning inside out.

Tell me...Why.

Tell me...Why.

This is the book I never read.

These are the words I never said.

This is the path I'll never tread.

These are the dreams I'll dream instead.

This is the joy that's seldom spread.

These are the tears...The tears we shed.

This is the fear.

This is the dread.

These are the contents of my head.

And these are the years that we have spent.

And this is what they represent.

And this is how I feel.

Do you know how I feel'cause i don't think you know how I feel.

I don't think you know what I feel.

I don't think you know what I fear.

You don't know what I fear.

My anxiety is off the scale. I am in a catch 22 situation. I do not know which way to turn! I dare not see my doctors or share my concerns with my loved ones & worry them even more. I needed to let my pain out here. My gender stuff is going fine, I tick all the boxes, I meet the surgeons & consultant psychiatrists requirements, its just a physical surgical requirement to correct a defect, yet I cannot trust them not to twist this round to a mental health condition to suit the Primary Care Trusts cunning plan. Do I get back to the consultant who launched my appeal & promised me a reply within 14 days or should I sit & wait? As it turned out I emailed them the following day.
There are other personal issues spinning in my head. The bars of that song still echo through my thoughts. I am feeling too tired & emotionally exhausted to even visit my counsellor. I need some coping strategdy not medication. I will be alright, as long as my Mums well being is not effected but its so hard to keep going. The song is much more applicable to a loving couple than a mother & daughter but it still cuts through me. How you find the courage to get through this tragic situation with a dear wife & children I will never know, just how you survive all the hurt. My heart just could not cope. My heart goes out to you. This life can be so cruel. I feel so vulnerable when I need to be so strong. This is not a cry for help. It just a brain dump, scream on my blog as too how I feel right now. I needed to rest & wanted to slow down & may need to take a break for a short while. Little did I know my fate had already been decided.

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