Say a little prayer

Please forgive me my friends, I need a little favour. I am sat here waiting to see my laser lady for the first treatment down below. My tummy is doing cart wheels. I am more afraid of this than the GRS. Ever since my childhood & the pain I suffered there I have felt sad & ashamed of that part of my body. I have to do this. I know I do but I am so scared of the mental anguish, the embarrassment, the uncomfortableness. The shame, not the physical pain. After the incredible euphoric joy I have had recently its reality time, pay back time.

I watch the brave sometimes bewildered children at the hospital where I do voluntary work & am humbled by their courage. They face a journey into the unknown. My heart goes out to each & every one of them.

I was born slightly deformed & my parents were advised I may need major corrective surgery that would have been very invasive at the time. They decided it was best to let nature take its course. No one has the right to make such decisions with a young child's life & I applaud both my parents & the doctors decision. They did the right thing even though my journey has been far from easy I am truly blessed & grateful. My Mum was told I was her last chance of a child & but for the intervention of her doctors & various injections as part of her treatment I probably would never have existed. Perhaps something they did caused me to be born this way but at least they gave my Mum the chance to have a child & me a life. I will never know & certainly blame no one. There would be no point. This was the 1960's & medical science has advanced a long way since but it is also true to say a little knowledge in the wrong hands can be a dangerous thing.

I was not born inter sexed but things were not right there. Parts of that area were not aligned in the right places. I was in & out of the children's hospital with all kinds of infections often in my kidneys until the age of twelve. The medical investigations were often of a very personal nature & very distressing. My dear Mum was always there to hold my hand. Passing stones was so not fun & neither was the persistent cystitis. The nursing staff were so kind to me but those memories still haunt me. Childhood memories of the pain & discomfort I felt with this part of my body are flashing through me head. Puberty was even worse psychologically. I felt so ashamed. I could never ever allow anyone to see that part of my body. Today I face another nemesis.

The dam thing should not be there. I had never hated it its existence before I just felt tremendously sad. The dam thing still exists, its very much alive, how I wish it were dead & gone & this was all over. Transition comes at a price. There are great highs & the darkest of lows. More demons stand in my path today. I hope & pray I pass the test.

My inner child is still very much part of me. If you read this please spare a thought & please if you can, say a prayer for all those children who are going off to hospital to face treatment that really frightens them or even worse those who have parents/doctors who misguidedly for whatever reason decide to play God.