Thursday, 26 March 2009

Say a little prayer

Please forgive me my friends, I need a little favour. I am sat here waiting to see my laser lady for the first treatment down below. My tummy is doing cart wheels. I am more afraid of this than the GRS. Ever since my childhood & the pain I suffered there I have felt sad & ashamed of that part of my body. I have to do this. I know I do but I am so scared of the mental anguish, the embarrassment, the uncomfortableness. The shame, not the physical pain. After the incredible euphoric joy I have had recently its reality time, pay back time.

I watch the brave sometimes bewildered children at the hospital where I do voluntary work & am humbled by their courage. They face a journey into the unknown. My heart goes out to each & every one of them.

I was born slightly deformed & my parents were advised I may need major corrective surgery that would have been very invasive at the time. They decided it was best to let nature take its course. No one has the right to make such decisions with a young child's life & I applaud both my parents & the doctors decision. They did the right thing even though my journey has been far from easy I am truly blessed & grateful. My Mum was told I was her last chance of a child & but for the intervention of her doctors & various injections as part of her treatment I probably would never have existed. Perhaps something they did caused me to be born this way but at least they gave my Mum the chance to have a child & me a life. I will never know & certainly blame no one. There would be no point. This was the 1960's & medical science has advanced a long way since but it is also true to say a little knowledge in the wrong hands can be a dangerous thing.

I was not born inter sexed but things were not right there. Parts of that area were not aligned in the right places. I was in & out of the children's hospital with all kinds of infections often in my kidneys until the age of twelve. The medical investigations were often of a very personal nature & very distressing. My dear Mum was always there to hold my hand. Passing stones was so not fun & neither was the persistent cystitis. The nursing staff were so kind to me but those memories still haunt me. Childhood memories of the pain & discomfort I felt with this part of my body are flashing through me head. Puberty was even worse psychologically. I felt so ashamed. I could never ever allow anyone to see that part of my body. Today I face another nemesis.

The dam thing should not be there. I had never hated it its existence before I just felt tremendously sad. The dam thing still exists, its very much alive, how I wish it were dead & gone & this was all over. Transition comes at a price. There are great highs & the darkest of lows. More demons stand in my path today. I hope & pray I pass the test.

My inner child is still very much part of me. If you read this please spare a thought & please if you can, say a prayer for all those children who are going off to hospital to face treatment that really frightens them or even worse those who have parents/doctors who misguidedly for whatever reason decide to play God.


the CFG said...

I'll say a prayer for them Debbie. But for you also. Let me hold your hand, you can do this xxx

Anji said...

Debbie, I had to take Olivier to hospital when he was 13 to be circumcised, it was very difficult as he was at an age where ‘that sort of thing’ was non of my business. We called a truce for a couple of weeks as I had to help him with his wounds. On the morning he went in the nurse who had to check him so was diplomatic I could have given her a big hug.

What I’m trying to say is I understand a little of what you and your mum went through. I explained to Olivier that the nurses and doctors were only doing their jobs and they had seen it all before.

You have gone through so much and now there is a definite light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sure that everything will go well for you and I’m sending you all my best ‘vibrations’.

Just think, you are having laser treatment, not long ago it would have been much more invasive.

* said...

Hi there Debbie, I too had laser 'down there' and it was, well, not the best time but it was not the gruelling exercise it might have been either. The nurse was lovely, her bedside manner so calming and she did not judge. Yes, it's troubling but it is soon over. And yes, feelings towards 'it' - I could have written that. If you need to talk Debbie I'm here - forum pm, email or call if you want to just chat. Jules has my mobile.
Take care my friend
Loris x

julia barber said...

We spoke of this yesterday and you know I am thinking of you

Lucy Melford said...

I am amazed at your spirit, and how you manage to keep going through trial after trial. You really are inspirational. The thing that strikes me, and shames me, is how you always thinks of others. If you ever achieve lasting happiness, Debbie, you'll have surely earned it.

alan said...

Debbie, you are always in my thoughts...but even more so as you go through this.

May it be mercifully easy!


Debbie K said...

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts dear Nicky, Anji, Loris, Julia, Lucy & Alan
I managed to keep my nerve. My laser lady was so very understanding. She has been through the same journey so she knew exactly how I felt. Another rights of passage on my journey is now under way. I was totally shattered but so pleased to have done it. Three or four more to go & the first was always going to be the worst. I must remember to spread the cream a bit further to ease the pain but it was physical pain wise just about tolerable & not too distressing. Mentally trying to appreciate it as my laser lady described as" just another process on a small part of our bodies to help rectify the conflict we have between our mind & body" was a very big ask. Its over now. Your kind thoughts & prayers helped me get through it. Bless you all.

I had the most lovely evening with my inspirational friend Jo. We have both come a very long way on our journey & really appreciate the wonderful friends we have here.

Anji said...

I'm relieved it went as well as it did for you. Glad you had such a nice Laser Lady.

Calie said...

Thinking of you (and relating to much of what you have to say) and also saying a prayer for the children.

Sorry I am reading this so late.