Walk with me.

Today brings another landmark on my journey. The tears are already flowing. For over 12 years I have been visiting London to see various gender specialists. Each time I left my parents home, my Mum would always ask me nervously with fear & pleading in her eyes "Do I have anything to worry about? Am I losing my son? "How I tried to live to their wishes not to transition while they were alive.
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From my darkest hours on 29th June 2006 preceding my appointment with the gender specialist I am seeing again today, when for the first time in my life I thought I could commit suicide, it has been quite a journey. On that cathartic Wednesday evening in June my Mother had repeatedly told me we never want you to transition, you can wait till we die & that she would kill herself rather than accept me transitioning. Since 1996 when I disclosed to them they actually had a daughter, the poor loves had been in denial & although I had foolishly tried to live to their wishes, I now know in reality it was my responsibility & I was simply not ready until the hiatus arrived that night.
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My Dad had actually told me he would never be able to walk with me If I transitioned. He became so ill when I had to tell him a consultant at our local hospital supported my belief that I needed to transition or risk insanity or suicide, that he ended up in hospital.
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The choice of always being ill with depression, permanently a zombie or an emotional wreck, & realizing that the gender specialist Dr C had perfectly summarised my life at that time by suggesting "a minority of transsexuals with low self esteem, selflessly give up there life for others & lead an unfulfilled life", created the worst night of my life. Thankfully I survived & took on board his wise words. His advice that I should seek like minded friends who were experiencing similar feelings to help combat the isolation & traumatic mental anguish I was under proved to be so important to me. I will aways be greatful to those inspirational "Angels" many of whom I am so privileged & humble to now have as true friends.
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The eloquent & beautiful, hugely talented Lori D http://lorisrevival.blogspot.com/2009/06/madness-of-stagnation-watching-friends.html describes so well the emotions I have gone through on my journey. A seemingly never ending ever changing path I have been walking, which has suddenly turned in recent weeks into something of a sprint.
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My parents have come so far on this journey with me. My parents have both walked with me every step of the way although not always agreeing with the direction, until the proof they saw, the living truth, demonstrated before them, once I began my real life experience. I am so lucky to still have them with me. A few weeks ago my beloved Mum nearly left this world after a major panic attack caused heart palpitations. Every day we share together every step is to be cherished.
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Only last Friday Mum & I went to see where I work at the hospital. I needed to see the volunteer co-ordinator to explain in person that due to an unfortunate unavoidable clash of dates we had to pick up a new car this Tuesday the very day I was due to be buddying a volunteer with learning difficulties. I felt awful at letting volunteer down but thankfully the co-ordinator completely understood. Every time I visit her office I never know what job I will be asked to do next. I have complete trust in her. In fact she suggested I really should consider applying for paid positions at the hospital as she was so pleased with my efforts. This came as a great & totally unexpected surprise to me. More was to follow when she asked my Mum to become a volunteer, Dad was also mentioned & we even ended up with our corgi being offered a job as a pat dog to cheer up the patients. I then took my Mum to meet the nurses where I work. It was a lovely experience to share with her. Not a blazing torch or irrate villagers chasing me out of the village in sight, as she once feared. We walk as one, a daughter & a wonderful Mum, so magical yet so ordinary.
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Today as I set off for a very big consultation there she was in the window waving me off. It was one of those mornings like no other. We were both too choked with emotions to convey in words how we felt on this momentous day.
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So often I stood outside a door afraid to seek help never believing a day like today would happen. Today I will be asking my gender specialist
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"Please if agreeable will you kindly provide confirmation in writing, as to my suitability for gender realignment surgery" which I would like to be undertaken by Mr Thomas at the Nuffield Hospital Brighton?.
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I will write some more about this memorable day later.

My prayers have been answered

I received the following wonderful news when I switched on my computer today
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"Dear Debra
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You are coming to the Nuffield. Only girls from Glasgow and Lanarkshire in Scotland are going to PRH.So do not worry.
Liz x"
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Liz Hills the lead clinical nurse at Brighton had kindly taken the trouble to reassure me everything was ok even though she had just gone off on some well deserved vacation time. Her dedication to her patients knows no bounds & I am so grateful to know this lady will be looking after me. This means so much to me. The last 48 hours have been really difficult. I tried so hard to not let my anxiety take over my life but the wheels seemed to come off & panic set in as I careered out of control into a nightmarish place. Thankfully the most important things in my life, my faith, my family & friends were all there for me.
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Yesterday I was running on empty & my way of distracting my anxiety was to reach out to my friends. My heart was in the right place but my grip on reality was strained. I found my self on my computer at 4 o'clock in the morning catching up on my online friends lives in between searching for answers. I thought those days had long gone.
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My day descended into yet more chaos by me emailing my worries regarding my grs to the wrong Liz. Followed by the news my parents new car was arriving this coming Monday the same day I am in London to see Dr C the gender specialist. The alternative was the Tuesday in which case I will have to cancel my volunteer day at the hospital which will make it look like I am pulling a sicky to avoid working with the volunteer who has learning difficulties. In truth the poor love would probably have been thinking a lot clearer than me at the time!
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While I was in meltdown my parents reaction was something that only a relatively short time ago would have seemed impossible to imagine. From denial & angst for over ten years they were now by my side in my hours of need, willing their daughter to get the surgery they accepted she so needed.
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I have been overwhelmed by support & love from my family & my friends. All of you who kindly share my world here helped me so much. I cannot thank you enough. Yesterday evening I went out with some dear friends just when I need it most & today's news has left me feeling so blessed & so happy.
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Through out this turmoil I was able to "Place all my trust in Jesus" & my prayers were answered.
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Bless you my friends.
May you all have a wonderful weekend.
((((((Peaceful thoughts))))))))))
Love
Debbie

An anxious wait

I have just read some very distressing news which may mean my gender realignment surgery will not be happening at the place I had set my heart on. I appreciate I am still very lucky to be having my surgery via the NHS but the news has sent my anxiety into over drive.
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I had such trust in the lead nurse of the team at Brighton & her team together with the excellent facilities. Obviously the surgeon is vitally important but so too is the after care & location. I am sure I am the same as most patients requiring surgery via the national health system, that will not quite believe they are finally going to get their operation until they actually wake up after the surgery. Cancellations at short notice are all too common.
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Late tonight I read the news that a lady from Scotland who was due to have her NHS funded GRS at the Nuffield Brighton had her surgery transferred at very short notice to Hayward’s Heath. This may or may not be down to a change in policy but this poor love would appear to be the first lady to have Mr Thomas perform this surgery at this particular hospital. Like me she had complete faith in the team at Brighton & with a new possibly inexperienced team, not to mention the huge disappointment, my heart goes out to her.

I have tried desperately to contact Liz Hills at the Brighton Hospital but unfortunately she is about to go on leave for a week so I face a very anxious wait to find out if my surgery may not be where I had hoped for. Life is never easy.
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May your week be kind to you.
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Love
A tearful anxious Debbie

Volunteering an uncomfortable truth

I am really enjoying my voluntary work at the hospital. I find it very rewarding. It is so nice to work with such compassionate dedicated people. It is great to give something back to the NHS which has helped me & my family so much over the years. It is so lovely to feel valued, to be part of a team & to do something so worthwhile. It has helped stretch my boundaries & rebuild my confidence. I am willing to take on almost any duty they offer me & never know what I may be asked to do next. The volunteer coordinator who is responsible for over 800 volunteers has a wonderful way with her & installs great confidence. I trust her judgement & have never felt the need to say no to anything she has asked of me. She is gradually expanding my duties & although the work is voluntary it has many of the responsibilities of a real paid position.
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Apart from working in the children’s department I have also done some data inputting tasks. The most demanding task so far was for me to assist with a training day for hospital HR managers during which I had to attend three job interviews for a fictitious ward clerk’s position. I have only ever had one mock interview for a job in over thirty years having had my previous career for 29 years. With my anxiety issues, lack of interview experience, extreme shyness & the wonderful positive Alexia of finally being my true self for the first time in my life, this would really stretch my comfort zone.
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Excluding the 90% of my life where society expected me to play a role that matched my body, I have never done any role playing willingly before & never wanted to but I knew this would be great experience for me.
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Three of us volunteers, myself, another lady & a man were given ten minutes to learn a brief life history & a career profile we were asked to assume for the interviews. We could base them loosely on ourselves as none of us had acting experience. The male applicant was to appear to be ex military, with a minor disability & a tendency towards enjoying alcohol. I was asked to choose randomly from two sealed envelopes which contained female characters roles I was to play. One of the characters had little previous experience for the job; the other was well qualified but held a secret they did not wish to disclose during the interview. It came as no surprise for me to select the one with the secret. The surname of the character coincidentally was identical to one of my inspirational friends here on the Internet who is on the same path, which encouraged me to imagine how she might conduct herself in such a situation. . The secret I am pleased to say is something I am sure my inspirational friend does not have & neither do I. The character I had to play had a prison record.
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The interviews were conducted by three separate panels of four or five HR managers who were all on the training course. It was their task to select the appropriate candidate & identify any strengths or weaknesses in the three applicants.
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I was so nervous for the first interview it felt very very real to me. Part of their training clearly involved trying to establish the integrity & quality of the applicant. When they asked me if there was anything I wished to disclose to them which might affect my chances of being successful in applying for the job I nearly froze. This was rather too close to my own very real fear of the preconceived prejudice I am possibly likely to face from some potential employers.
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Incredibly by the second interview I felt a confidence grow inside me I had never experienced before. I could handle this situation. What ever the outcome good or bad, it was a win win situation. I could learn so much from this situation & more importantly so could the HR managers.
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Some of the panels were more warm/friendly in their approach, all were very polite & respectful. Interestingly; it became apparent they were generally actually all just as nervous as me. We all had our own fears; we are all only human after all!
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Once all the interviews had been completed all three candidates were summoned by the trainer to another interview room to sit in front of the class of over a dozen managers to be cross examined on how we all thought the interview went. It finally came down to decision time when the panels were asked to identify the successful candidates. The first panel chose the other lady. The second chose me. I was momentarily strangely disappointed to find the final panel chose the other lady. It was an incredibly beneficial shared experience & the tutor was able to provide excellent key points for both the interviewers & us the candidates.
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This experience broke down a number of major barriers for me & was a great lift to my confidence. So much so that this week I was asked if I was willing to do the same thing again for training day & I said “Yes.”
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In truth I am quite scared how tough it will be when I am eventually well enough to attempt to try to get paid employment. My disability remains my anxiety but I am determined to live my life to the full & one day it may be diminished enough for many more of my dreams to come true. All the baggage I carry, all the paranoia & possible prejudice I may face. I so admire the men & women who successfully transition in the workplace & the pressures they constantly face with many of their colleagues knowing their past. Finding or retaining employment is so hard for everyone especially so in a world wide recession. We can all become victims of discrimination during our lives. People may face prejudice in the workplace for reasons of age, for gender, race or religion, disabilities or just for being different. I am willing all those that may feel victimised by ignorance, with all my heart, to succeed in their lives & their careers.
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Having had this great experience from volunteer work I was faced with an uncomfortable truth this week. The volunteer coordinator gave me a dilemma which for the first time I found myself unsure as to the outcome.
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The volunteer co-ordinator asked me if I would mentor/buddy another volunteer. This volunteer was described to me as being on her last chance. The volunteer duties although not necessarily demanding are taken quite seriously. The volunteer co-ordinator did not want to have to let her go but she informed me this person apparently seemed not to be able to conform to what was required of her. This person apparently struggled to maintain concentration & is prone to disregarding the rules some times. I was asked to come along to meet her. When we were introduced the volunteer co-ordinator spoke to her very politely but quite firmly. She was warned not to take too many cups of tea in a slightly jovial but serious manner.
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Although I have supervised people in the past I am none confrontational & like to get along with people. I was not sure if I could do this. If I agreed she would join me in the department where I am usually the only volunteer in that part of the hospital. I love the job & the team of wonderful nurses, I humbly assist. Working with this lady might prove too demanding for me & selfishly spoil something I hold so dear. I do not like thinking this way & this is really troubling my conscience. I did not want to let anyone down, the co-ordinator, the nurses, the patients or this lady. I felt very responsible & guilty that if I said “no” her opportunity to volunteer may be taken from her.
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This lady appears to have learning difficulties & OCD. She has a medical condition I will not display here for reasons of confidentiality & out of respect to her privacy. The uncomfortable truth is that she faces prejudice just because of the way she was born. She perhaps in some peoples eyes does not quite conform to the norm, what ever that is! All she wants is a chance to be accepted, to feel a sense of self worth, just like me. Who are we to judge her? What should I do?
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Love
Debbie

Dream Night

Tonight is "Dream Night" a very special emotion filled evening taking place for terminally ill & very sick children together with their families at the local tourist attraction, a wildlife conservation park.
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In a very humble way we hope they may have a very happy evening full of lasting memories. My heart goes out to each & every one of the families & children who travel from miles around.
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The sky is rather grey today & threatening rain lets all wish those clouds away so they can all have an evening to remember.
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All the staff stop on to give up their time freely, the event is not publicised at all & rightly so. Please forgive me for sharing this with you but as you have all shown me you are very compassionate friends, if you kindly read this, please could you send these precious children your love & positive feelings.
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This night God Willing "Some Prayers may be answered & Dreams can come True!
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Life & time is so precious. We have to cherish every moment. We all have our dark days. During those times our worries & fears infiltrate our dreams & disturb our sleep. The cumulative effect of our emotions & sleep deprivation can distort our thought processes & impair our ability to make rational decisions just when we need to see with the clarity of our hearts & minds.
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At the weekend to commemorate the 65th Anniversary of the D Day Landings on the Normandy beaches on June 6th 1944 my thoughts turn to those brave souls who gave up their lives so that the children & the children of those children may be free. Many of those who died were so young they had barely left their childhoods. What must they have dreamed the night before they took that brave leap of faith onto those beaches? God Bless their souls. We will always remember them. They will never be forgotten.
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There are a number of dear friends who kindly visit this blog who right now are also going through very difficult times. My thoughts are with you. We share so much in this bloggy world but in truth we may actually know only a small part about each others daily lives. Some times it is what we do not actually write, that we find too painful to disclose, that speaks volumes to those that share our hearts.
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I am reminded of an uplifting quote Abi kindly shared with me a while ago, from the legendary Walt Disney, which I hope & pray could be the richly deserved reward for all the incredibly brave children & their families attending the Dream Night, this evening.

"All our dreams can come true - if we have the courage to pursue them"

Sweet Dreams
May you find Peace in your Hearts
Have a good weekend
Love
Debbie