Monday, 29 June 2009

Walk with me.

Today brings another landmark on my journey. The tears are already flowing. For over 12 years I have been visiting London to see various gender specialists. Each time I left my parents home, my Mum would always ask me nervously with fear & pleading in her eyes "Do I have anything to worry about? Am I losing my son? "How I tried to live to their wishes not to transition while they were alive.
From my darkest hours on 29th June 2006 preceding my appointment with the gender specialist I am seeing again today, when for the first time in my life I thought I could commit suicide, it has been quite a journey. On that cathartic Wednesday evening in June my Mother had repeatedly told me we never want you to transition, you can wait till we die & that she would kill herself rather than accept me transitioning. Since 1996 when I disclosed to them they actually had a daughter, the poor loves had been in denial & although I had foolishly tried to live to their wishes, I now know in reality it was my responsibility & I was simply not ready until the hiatus arrived that night.
My Dad had actually told me he would never be able to walk with me If I transitioned. He became so ill when I had to tell him a consultant at our local hospital supported my belief that I needed to transition or risk insanity or suicide, that he ended up in hospital.
The choice of always being ill with depression, permanently a zombie or an emotional wreck, & realizing that the gender specialist Dr C had perfectly summarised my life at that time by suggesting "a minority of transsexuals with low self esteem, selflessly give up there life for others & lead an unfulfilled life", created the worst night of my life. Thankfully I survived & took on board his wise words. His advice that I should seek like minded friends who were experiencing similar feelings to help combat the isolation & traumatic mental anguish I was under proved to be so important to me. I will aways be greatful to those inspirational "Angels" many of whom I am so privileged & humble to now have as true friends.
The eloquent & beautiful, hugely talented Lori D describes so well the emotions I have gone through on my journey. A seemingly never ending ever changing path I have been walking, which has suddenly turned in recent weeks into something of a sprint.
My parents have come so far on this journey with me. My parents have both walked with me every step of the way although not always agreeing with the direction, until the proof they saw, the living truth, demonstrated before them, once I began my real life experience. I am so lucky to still have them with me. A few weeks ago my beloved Mum nearly left this world after a major panic attack caused heart palpitations. Every day we share together every step is to be cherished.
Only last Friday Mum & I went to see where I work at the hospital. I needed to see the volunteer co-ordinator to explain in person that due to an unfortunate unavoidable clash of dates we had to pick up a new car this Tuesday the very day I was due to be buddying a volunteer with learning difficulties. I felt awful at letting volunteer down but thankfully the co-ordinator completely understood. Every time I visit her office I never know what job I will be asked to do next. I have complete trust in her. In fact she suggested I really should consider applying for paid positions at the hospital as she was so pleased with my efforts. This came as a great & totally unexpected surprise to me. More was to follow when she asked my Mum to become a volunteer, Dad was also mentioned & we even ended up with our corgi being offered a job as a pat dog to cheer up the patients. I then took my Mum to meet the nurses where I work. It was a lovely experience to share with her. Not a blazing torch or irrate villagers chasing me out of the village in sight, as she once feared. We walk as one, a daughter & a wonderful Mum, so magical yet so ordinary.
Today as I set off for a very big consultation there she was in the window waving me off. It was one of those mornings like no other. We were both too choked with emotions to convey in words how we felt on this momentous day.
So often I stood outside a door afraid to seek help never believing a day like today would happen. Today I will be asking my gender specialist
"Please if agreeable will you kindly provide confirmation in writing, as to my suitability for gender realignment surgery" which I would like to be undertaken by Mr Thomas at the Nuffield Hospital Brighton?.
I will write some more about this memorable day later.


chrissie said...

Well done, Debbie....

It's been a long traumatic road for you. I'm glad you're on the final stretch.


Lori D said...

As always, we're with you, Debbie! It IS your turn, beautiful!

LucyTolliday said...

A beautiful description of your long path as you come to the end of this chapter.