Monday, 20 July 2009

Lost in a Sea of Love

Thank you so much for all of you who have been there for me. Time after time, your kind words have helped to keep my head above water. I am still very fragile but my tears have eased. Its not raining quite so heavily in my heart.

The thing that has saved me & means so much to me, is the love & kindness that has showered down on me from the lovely friends we have here. I have had so many emails, phone calls, offers to meet up or visit from our friends.

Closer to home. My Mum & Dad have been astounding. They are comforting me so much & are now concerned I could jeopardise the surgery they now know I need to have, the very surgery that was once their biggest nightmare. Our pet corgi, my real life teddy bear has not left my side. The staff at my GP's were also unbelievably kind on Friday when I had to pay them a visit.

How I wish I could keep this blog positive. Away from this blog I have to bottle all these feelings up as best I can from my community of artistic friends. The least said the sooner mended. Please forgive me if I pour my emotions out here, I do not mean to whinge or worry you. I have cried myself asleep & woke up crying for days. Gradually things have improved. I managed to sleep for a while & only woke up once in tears & my mind locked back on to all the raw emotions at 3 o'clock in the morning. I have now managed two nights without crying. What saved me & stopped this fit of the night time blues becoming another outright panic attack & wallow in self pity was , the love & positive energy willing me to get through this, that my dear friends here, have offered.

I am both blessed & also cursed by intense emotions. Our self perceived innocence, our needs & sadly their negative impact, can sometimes cause us to lose the very people we hold so dear.

I cannot let go or switch off the cries for help from my lost soul. I am desperately holding onto reality, the safety rail, by the raging sea of emotions I want to dive into, to save what remains of the precious all consuming friendship I once had. Sadly I can no longer write "have" & that is both painful but also the first stage of progress in my healing process.

Due to a complete misunderstanding my own actions no matter how well meant have caused me to burn down the very bridges I was trying to build. Try as I might it is still way too soon for me to ever let go. I am trying so hard not to make contact with her & give them some space, at a time when all I want to do is help them. I fear our friendship may already be damaged beyond repair & can never be the same. The wonderful friendship, with it the flotsam & jettison of the life we once shared, my emotional growth, my creativity have sunk beneath the waves & lay at the sea bed alongside the wreck that once was a ship we both shared. She helped navigate me through the hidden rocks & sandbars that threatened to sink my dreams. Now I have been cast adrift & know I need to focus on other things, not least the journey ahead but I feel so lost. I have to break free from my melancholy. I have to move on.

I long to look outwards again & not in. No longer with a mind full of dysphoria, I am saddened to find my mind now selfishly fixated on my need to repair my broken friendship. I am once again laden with self doubt which threatens the very foundations of my new life. I feel emotionally drained, so tired, but thanks to all the kindness I have received, never alone.
Once again I am plunged back into a world where I continually ask myself "is it me or is it my T" that may be causing friends to distance themselves from me. Often it is down to paranoia & simply where people are busy with there own lives. I may be too intense, too high maintenance, not good, not good at all.

I have so much to be grateful for & need to keep my faith. I need to keep busy & appreciate the simple pleasures in life.

I will never ever stop caring about my best friend & her husband. They are a wonderful couple. I am just so sorry this misunderstanding ever happened & fear there may be other far more important things worrying them.

It is down to us to handle our own emotions. The tricky bit is in learning how to do that. How do you control your reaction to your emotions? It is just not in my nature. I have no social upbringing to fall back on. In the role I felt society expected of me I was not meant to show my emotions. Back then no one could see me. I felt like I was constantly forced to audition for a part I never wanted to play & even so never let anyone get close enough to the real me for rejection to hurt. Now like the oldest teenager in the world I am trying to deal with all kinds of new emotions. Would I go back to that life, would I stop taking my magical "mones" ? Not in a million years!

My self esteem & confidence are shattered. It is going to take a lot to rebuild them. I have followed my heart so much on this journey I know need to use my head a little just to get some reality/stability. My heart is still broken. If I can unintentionally hurt my best friend so much I must be doing something very very wrong & must be a very toxic friend. I am no Angel & far from perfect. I have felt so ugly inside & out. That you have all so kindly reached out once again to hold my hand in my hour of need is something I will never ever forget. You all touched my heart & you all give me hope.

Thank you. Bless you all

Big ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))


Hannah J. R. said...

Hi Debbie,
That your friends are legion says much about you Debbie; you are loved by so many. Hopefully that thought may carry you a little in darker moments.

Take care....

Hannah xxx

Debbie K said...

Dear Hannah
It was so sweet of you to call today. Your kindness was of great comfort to me.
x Debbie

alan said...

Please don't apologize for saying what you need to say; there are so many who are here for you to do just that!

You say you are no Angel, but for each of us those Angels take different forms and are found in the most unlikely places...

You have been one more than once!


Josephine said...

My dear. YOU didn't burn these bridges. YOU didn't hurt your friend. She got hurt, but you didn't DO it. It just happened, as a result of a number of things, amongst the most important of which was her choice to interpret the situation the way she has. HER choice, hon. You acted in good faith, and hurting her was furthest from your mind.

I know how painful it can be to see someone you love hurting and then having them blame it on you - when you meant nothing of the sort. It's a kind of horrible powerlessness. But all you can do is keep saying to yourself "No, I didn't mean it the way you have taken it, and I have tried to explain. I can't be responsible for your feelings now - you must do that".

Big hugs. Stepping aside and looking at how we feel is the thing. Step outside yourself, apply rational thought to this when you can.

I know I know...we teach what we need to learn, and all that eh?! ;-) After a weekend full of oestrogen induced sobbing over here!!

(PS Did you know your comments are coming out invisible on your blog hon...all in black?)

Debbie K said...

Thank you Alan
Time after time your kind words have lifted me.

Dear Jo
You answered my cry for help just when I needed it the most.

I have been completely overwhelmed by everyones kindness. Thank you.

I am going to be working at the hospital three days this week so I may not be around so much. It will be nice to think about others again & sprinkle some kindness over chil;dren who really need our love.
Take care
x Debbie.

chrissie said...

I don't know the ins and outs of what happened, Debbie, but it's true that we often unfairly blame ourselves, when others can't handle some aspect of our situation.

You'll pull through this test, as you've pulled through all the others. I'm sure of it.

lots of love,

LucyTolliday said...

Again I don't know the ins and outs but i'd echo the supportive words above. I know from my own esteem issues such things can eat away when its not your fault.

Debbie K said...

Thank you for your kind words Chrissie & Lucy

I drove home crying from my art class last night. I have got to stop feeling sorry for my self. So much of my life seems poisioned just now but I know I have so much to be grateful for. I am really struggling with the effects of depression & trying desperately to fight back the tears today. I need to get to work, to keep going but my dam emotions are washing over me. My worlds faded to grey.
x Debbie

Anji said...

I think that everyone has already said what needs to be said. I'm here too.

Kate Phizackerley said...


If you ever did hurt somebody you would yourself feel the pain inflicted one-hundred-fold. You know that; I know that; everybody who really knows you understands that. For that reason alone you could never deliberately hurt anyone. It's what makes you about the gentlest person I have ever met.


Calie said...

Debbie, no need to apologize for not being positive all of the time. Happens to the best of us.

Your writing is beautiful and I so feel your pain just by reading your words. I think writing is a form of therapy for outlet for your emotions. And, doesn't it feel good to know you have friends around the world who really do care about you?

Take care, Debbie.

Calie xxx