Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Bless your hearts, thank you.

Bless your hearts, thank you for all the kind replies to my previous angst ridden post crying for help. True friends who are there for you when you most need your spirits lifting are so important in life. They can give you a hug (even a cyber hug) as you all have, hold you by the hand to guide you & simultaneously touch your heart.

This post had started in despair & ends with great joy.

"I don't cope well with bullies.
I have never been able to stand up for myself.
I have never liked confrontation.

I had to fight back a mixture of desperately sad & dysphoric tears to put on my make up to take my dear Mum to the docs yesterday for an appointment with the Asthma nurse. I came so close to letting her down.

I am scared of letting everyone down & losing everything I have achieved. There are dark periods where I feel I am spiralling downwards out of control into depression, my foots pressing hard on the break but for the moment I have lost all control. Then little chinks of light, sprinkled by the Angels I am blessed to have as my true friends appear, which I cherish.

I fought so hard to get where I was so at peace with the world. For the first time since I had to stop painting a few years ago I had really discovered my passion for creativity & now this vile man threatens to rip that most precious gift from my fragile grasp.

I am struggling today even to get out of the door for a gift for my best friends birthday. I go from grief to anger back to self loathing at how weak I am.

I am off to hospital this afternoon for some urgent cognitive therapy. It was to have been a routine appointment to help teach me coping mechanisms to ward of the tsunami of emotions that I very occasionally feel so susceptible to because of my past life experiences. In the here & now I had been doing so well, this was just to be the icing on the cake & then this evil man reminds me of just how vulnerable I still am. The bullies winning & he is already spinning his evil smoke screen of lies.

What a picture of self pity this outburst has been".

Then the gift that true friends bring, that is absolutely priceless, perhaps something invisible to the eye that only the heART can see, lifted my spirits. To look outwards again not in.

I must keep my faith & change my negative thought processes to stop feeling this way. As Nicky kindly eluded to in her comments on my last post you can experience something life affirming when body and mind are finally at peace. You gain a strength inside you from the journey you have been on, which can give you inner strength previously never dreamed of. When I think of friends who have shown great courage, kindness & tremendous spirit it is poignant to remember a dear friend who should be having a special day today.

My dear wonderful friend Julia should be about to have her surgery at Charring Cross today & my thoughts should be with her. She is an amazing woman who has been through so much & deserves to be happy. God Bless you my friend , I hope the surgery brings her everything she wishes for.


This post ends with the great news my friend Julia successfully had her surgery this afternoon & came back to the ward around 4.30.

Much love

1 comment:

Anji said...

Happy 'Birthday' to Julia!

I think that we all have moments when we wish we could just crawl away and hide from people with cruel tongues. My Mum always told me that we should just feel sorry for them