Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Saying Good by to a world you thought you lived in

"Saying Good by to a world you thought you lived in"

The words from a song by MIKA which are a sound track to my life just now. The bitter bitter man from the soundtrack the bully who in any other world could be so easily defeated is awakening my demons. I'm really struggling to smile like I mean it just now after such a lovely period.

I have been devoting my time helping at our annual wildlife art exhibition once again. Life had been a glorious blur of enjoyable experiences, watching friends grow to discover & fulfil their many talents.

I managed to encourage my best friend find the confidence to be among her many friends in spite of the presence of a bully from our past. Her dear husband was also finally able see what we had allways known. He discovered the belief in his beautiful artistic photography.

To see seeds of creativity blossom such as the young girl who attended our show with her parents who was kindly given the opportunity to practice on the very expensive work in progress by a very gifted best selling artists was one of many highlights. An artist friend who had been a member for 5 years who finally found the confidence in her abilities to display her work for the first time & sell it.

To see my Dear Friend Lucy revisit us after attending one of her first visits to the big wide world only last year was a joy. She is such a sweetie & her confidence has grown so much in such a short time.

To meet another kindred spirit who had been struggling to paint who courageously shared something quite remarkable & humbling with me.

It’s nice just to be able to have your work enjoyed by others & displayed for many visitors to see. In my case having been too ill to connect with my creativity not that long ago the simple process of creating a painting at all had been a simple pleasure. This year I finally got back to where I wanted to be with my painting. Although I only had time to produce two new ones they both sold & an older reworked painting seemed to receive the odd kind comment. There were unfortunately a number of very talented artists who had either recently received awards & or sold out regularly previously for no discernible reason other than the lack of the right visitor coming through the door. failed to sell any. The empathy & understanding from like minded creative friends is of great comfort but it still hurts as we invest so much emotion if a paintings to work well & not having a red dot, not selling, does not necessarily make yourpainting a bad one.

I wished I could have found the courage to invite my best male friend who I still miss dearly who sadly having pledged his support once I transitioned found things too complicated. I had to respect his wishes & finally say good by to him. I miss his smile, his sense of humour, just spending time with him. It seems really difficult for mates to suddenly become male friend & boy friend. The whole dating game seems a scary complicated place with the unwanted baggage I have to take with me. To live in stealth is not an option for me & if it were it would still seem like living a lie anxiously fearing discovery, a relationship built on trust with honesty seems a goal to dream for one day, who knows.

I had a lovely two weeks or so pushing my boundaries enjoying life socialising & working so hard giving my time freely in support of our friends, when bang a red dot appeared on my back & the bully who had been biding his time shot with deadly accuracy. I have been told I am no longer to part of the team who work so tirelessly to put the event on, the reasons a smoke screen using my history as an easy excuse. In an instant something I had always cheerished was gone. I am stronger now but my confidence is once more so fragile.

I have to finally say good by to the creative world I once found sanctuary in, as the bully has found yet another female to victimise. For those of you who have been reading my blog you know who this bullying pivitol character is. My best friends really angry & upset that he has done this again to one of us. I do not want to play the part of a victim any more but its hard to hold on to my shattered confidence & change my behaviour. There are far worse things & more important things in life than this so I at least still have my perspective.

Please send me a hug, paint me a blue sky as I grieve for a special place that was once a haven in which I could safely enjoy transitioning. Its time to finally move on. I have come too far now to let this person beat me. I feel weak heart broken & vulnerable to panic attacks again but I do not want to let anyone down. I need to reach inside & find ways of coping with all these emotions as my Technicolor life fades once more to grey.

God Bless


Anji said...

You mustn't let this person beat you, as you know.

A big hug, as a door closes a new one opens.

Karen said...

Hi Debbie,
Anji has said it and that is true.
I think you have a strength that runs deep. Don't block it off.

the CFG said...

you musn't let him beat you Debbie, promise!?
even if there's no way back in for you, then he's a ****, and you're better off well away from him, and I know you'll find the strength to blossom...
Please feel that your transition and everything you've been through has imbued you with strength (I know you feel that), and you can fight, or live to fight another day :-)
Get clever, wise, smear-him if that's what it takes, but don't let him take your spirit!
Huge huge hugs x x x

alan said...

Though he may have managed to close the door to this venue for you, that is their loss and there is no way he can take away your creativity, your talent, or your love for art! As long as you have a way to touch canvas you may express yourself and that can't be taken away by anyone!

And don't forget how many of us out here have hearts you have used for your canvas as well; who have the beauty of your work and your vision painted on our souls! Your bully is well outnumbered!

Something tells me that better and brighter horizons lie ahead, Debbie! Keep your eye on them and don't bother looking behind you!


Lucy Melford said...

Oh, Debbie, I'm sorry to hear that this person has spoilt it all. It's too cruel.

Unfortunately there's usually no easy way to 'get back' at them, and the moral question arises as to whether you should try. Revenge is not a positive thing. The trouble is, that people who bully never seem to learn any lessons, least of all from a good example. Perhaps they are jealous of you: they can see that you have not fallen, you have the light on your side.

By the way, I didn't realise I was a 'sweetie'! I'm sure there are some who would never say that of me. But it made me feel good all the same.


chrissie said...

Hugs! xxxxxxxx


Debbie K said...

Thank you so much for your kind words & txts.

I feel so weak just now.

Debbie x

Calie said...

Debbie, sweetie, as the others have said, don't let him beat you.

Congratulations on selling your beautiful works of art.

Big virtual hug from Calie in Cali.