A room with a view

On Sunday I took my dear Mum to visit to the Nuffield hospital Brighton where I hope to be having my gender realignment surgery in November. I had arranged the visit with Liz Hills the lead clinical nurse to try to help allay my Mums worries & ease her anxiety about the care I would be receiving.

Sometimes with a bit of imagination there seems some parallels between the EM Forster novel “Room with a view” & my life. Lucy the lead character lived in Victorian times & seemed destined to follow a path of what was expected of her, hiding her emotions, something I am thankfully now almost completely incapable of doing. I certainly never dared dream, I would one day be in “the room with a view” I shared with my Mum last Sunday.

This visit was going to be an immensely difficult day for my Mum. My heart is still laden with the guilt of needing to take my beloved elderly parents through a period of huge change at their time in life. I am very conscious of just how blessed I am to still have my beloved parents with me.

It was an incredibly emotional day. Mums courage, her unconditional love knows no bounds. Liz was so kind, so understanding, simply 110% perfect. Mum was very impressed by the whole experience. The hospital, the staff & its location all met with her approval. They were all way beyond what she had ever expected.

I started the day with an early morning walk with my Dad. Each walk we share is absolutely priceless. This memorable morning we were greeted by the poignant sight of the young signets flexing their wings nearly ready for their maiden flight.

I worry so much about my beloved parents & how they will cope in the coming months. It would be perfectly understandable if they are still mourning what feels like the death of their son. To them my GRS date may fseem like their son’s funeral. It is not how I feel & after this visit I truly belive they can see my GRs as something more positive. It seems much harder for my Dad, bless him. He has had to come much further than Mum or I in a comparatively short space of time. From being in denial only two years ago, he has shown tremendous courage & kindness in accepting my need to transition. He is now incredibly protective of his daughter but coming along on this visit was just too much for him to cope with. Dad agreed to stay at home to look after our dog while Mum & I went off on our journey.

We played the songs from “Mama Mia” by Abba all the way there, stopping off in Arundel on route. I knew Liz was such an Angel & having spoken to her several times since my first visit in September last year, I had great faith in her. I did wonder perhaps if I may have been on an emotional hi during my first visit & got a bit carried away about just how good the hospital & its staff were. Seeing it for the second time & seeing my dear Mums face light up with a big smile of approval was one of the most happy & emotional days of my life.

I have so much to write about the experience, so much to remember. There are a few unexpected changes for me to come to terms with. I am going to have to curtail my hospital voluntary work a lot earlier than I had originally planned because of the risk of MRSA, cdif etc & will have to stop once I have had a swab test 4 weeks before surgery. Afterwards I have been advised that I should not risk going back for 12 weeks. I will also be staying in the hospital for seven days after my GRS, which is slightly longer than I appreciated. Mum & I struggle being apart for so long but thanks to this visit Mum is as impressed by the Nuffield as I was the first time & her anxiety may not be as bad as we feared. Her positive reaction to this visit lifted both our spirits & suddenly there was no limit to just how far our hearts could see.

I was also told by Liz there would be no need for me to travel to Brighton for a pre op appointment after all. She will be able to ask lots of questions over the phone which together with the results from the blood tests she has asked my GP to provide will give them all the information they require.

Unexpectedly we were invited to visit a patient from Edinburgh. We were introduced to a young lady of 26 who had her surgery 3 days previous. She looked amazing & had such a happy radiant smile. Her Dad was proudly by her side. They too had initially been afraid how their daughter would cope & had not wanted her to transition. She had felt very little pain & only experienced slight discomfort. Her only concern had been feeling rather sick due to all the medication still in her body from the anesthetic It was so sweet of them to allow us to visit them. There were so many intense emotions like this during the visit.

Afterwards we sat in the car talking & Mum revealed a secret to me that was to melt my heart completely. For years my dear Mum has struggled to deal with the loss of her family particularly her sister & Mum. She had never found closure in over thirty years. Each tragic anniversary her mood would dip dramatically, it was so difficult for all of us. In recent years she had hidden her grief from me.

Sundays visit had been a random date that was convenient for Liz & for me. Unbeknown to me until my Mum told me after our visit, September 6th was the anniversary of her dear Mums passing. She had courageously not said a word about it because she knew I would never ask her to go through such an emotional visit to Brighton on such a day had I remembered the significance of the date.

She told me it had felt right to go with her daughter on such a day. She told me that a date that had always until Sunday been a sad day on her calendar will now be remembered for a happy occasion. The courage, grace, dignity & unconditional love, as well as the total acceptance she had a daughter she knew needed this surgery, will be embellished in my mind for eternity.

We were still sat in the empty car park talking as the lovely Liz drove by cheerily waving at us as she finally went home exhausted & late to see her family. Liz had been at a TG conference in Norwich with the surgeon Mr Thomas for several days & only driven back on Saturday. Then on Sunday she came into the hospital to catch up with her work & freely gave up her afternoon for as long as we needed, never once making it seem like we were wasting her valuable time. It was such a heartwarming privilege to see these two wonderful Mums bond together as only Mums can. My beloved Mum got so much out of this special visit but she also gave something beyond her daughters most optimistic of dreams.

After I had hugged & kissed my dear Mum for all she had done for me, all the love we shared, we finally set off for home. Mama Mia was playing softly. The first track that played was by chance, supposedly random just like the date of our visit but in keeping with the spiritual aspects of the day it proved to be so memorable:- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-Gdyuz57M0

"I have a dream"!
I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I cross the stream - I have a dream
I cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I cross the stream - I have a dream
I cross the stream - I have a dream


Last Sunday the tears just rolled down my cheeks at the joy & emotions of the most magical day of my life. I certainly believe in Angels!

The picture above is of of my Mum in one of the rooms I am likely to be staying in at the hospital, looking at the view, contemplating the future of her only child. We are so fortunate to still be together & have a future to share, each day of which I cherish. There are so many less fortunate.


My thoughts turn to those who have lost their loved ones on this the eighth anniversary of the attacks by hijacked planes on America this day. My thoughts & prayers are with the nearly three thousand innocent victims that day & their bereaved families. How did those victims feel looking out of their office windows in the twin towers that day. You can read a very moving account of that day by dear Michelle http://michellesreality.blogspot.com/2009/09/remembering-911.html She was one of the survivors. The scars of all those whose lives were effected by this tragic day may never ever heal. How do all those families who have lost their loved ones that day & those who have continued to lose their precious loved ones in combat as a result, cope with knowing they will never see them come home again? Some of those who witnessed this tragic day unfold on television as children are now risking their lives at war. God bless them all.

Love
Debbie

The Butterfly

Right now it feels like I am surfing a huge wave. I want to ride it for as long as I can. It has been such a life affirming experience.

A month ago I was at a cross roads. My emotions were running so high. I was afraid I could lose everything. I was close to having panic attacks, my Mum was becoming ill, I had increased my anti-depressants because my depression had returned, the progress I had made with my volunteer work & my creativity. This was all because I thought I could not deal with the breakdown of the relationship with my best friend. Once my reaction to this began to effect my Mums health I realised I had to turn my life around, once more. I was so fragile & vulnerable at this point. Thanks to my family, my dear friends & my faith, I found the support & comfort to make positive steps on the right path.

I have just been through a month of my life which encompassed the whole spectrum of emotions & humanity. Hopes, dreams, friendships old & new. Inspiring , unsettling, heartbreaking but all of it 110% living life to the full.

Last years annual art exhibition was like a "coming out" ball for me. It was wonderful. At the time it crucially gave me the confidence to believe for the first time in my life I could really live the life my heart had always longed for.

Just prior to this year’s annual art exhibition with my emotions so entwined with my creativity I felt I was on the verge of losing all the creative progress I had made. To stop this happening I decided it was time to “Come out “again, this time regarding my art. I had never felt confident I could paint the way I used to before I was so ill a few years ago but I had recently connected with my creativity more than ever before. I finally decided to let the hospital where I do voluntary work know about my creative side by showing them a book of my art. I also invited them to the art exhibition. They were really impressed & this boosted my self esteem. It also meant I could not back out of the exhibition or stop painting. The only place to go was forward.

I had a great time working at our annual wildlife art exhibition this year. I felt like I really played a full part this time. It took a team of over twenty helpers five days to put up. We had over 700 paintings & sculptors from 230 professional & amateur artists. On the handing in day I was like a child at Christmas mesmerised by the brilliant art work being unveiled before me. We were only open during the day for four days. There were three very busy private view nights & at the weekend we also had marquees with artists demonstrating their skills. We were fortunate to have several thousand visitors & sold over £60,000 of art. Financially it was an exceptional success considering the world wide recession. What I really enjoyed was the pleasure the work seemed to give & the inspiration it may have given to our visitors to take up art & perhaps think more about the conservation of our precious wildlife. When it was all over it only took a day to come down & it felt rather sad like taking the Christmas decoration downs. It was a lot of hard work for a small team of dedicated volunteers & seemed all over far too quickly but it was so worth the effort for the joy that it brings to so many.

The event was socially in terms of gender issues a total none event. I spent much of my time liaising between the artists & the full time staff, making teas or just running about doing errands. I continued to be totally comfortable & totally accepted as me as Debbie. Just as it should be. I felt completely comfortable in my new role in life & blended seamlessly right into my natural habitat, that place they call real life. If I could paint a picture that conveyed how beautiful & wondrous that feels yet also so ordinary, it would be a masterpiece, I feel impossible to express in my limited vocabulary. May be its a picture no artist could paint?

It has been such a special time for so many reasons. Having my beloved parents by my side attending one of the private view nights of the exhibition was one of many. An event they were unsure they would attend because of the complex issues of the break down of the relationship I had with my best friend.

Meeting so many wonderful friends was always going to be a joy. Some were old & many new. Friends from my old life, my previous working life who took the trouble to come along & were so pleased at how much happier & healthier I looked now than I ever had as Bob.

Meeting dear friends who are on the same path, such as the delightful Jo, a lady whose “Spirit of adventure” helped me so much to find my true self. Receiving a hug from dear Nicky via Jo was so sweet. Meeting the delightful Lucy Melford whose company was so charming & sharing some time with her on one of her own first big adventure into the full on real world. She very kindly bought my cheetah cub painting. She too has a creative talent & passion which had perhaps been dormant for far too long. To see her blossom in a haven I had found such solace in, was another major highlight.

Meeting my best friend & dealing with the initially fraught situation that followed with dignity gave me new strength that I was actually stronger health wise than I thought. I would like to publicly thank my friend Karen for offering me such inspiration in coping with stressful situations such as this. I had feared I may have been foolishly acting rather like a moth suicidally attracted to a flame, continuing to hope to rekindle something which once burned so bright. Thankfully I was wrong. Her initial angst was followed quickly the same evening by me receiving an unexpected apology from her. There after, each time we meet there was a thawing in the chill that had beset our friendship. This culminated in an opening of communications between us to a level which may, with some caution, given time, heal our friendship.

The last thing I would ever have wanted was for her & her husband to feel ostracised & isolated from our group of creative friends, who would all be at the exhibition for several days. This had all come about because of the insensitive cruel behaviour of a prominent couple in our group. To know how much they were hurting cut me to the bone. For me a person who had been in the closet afraid they would be ostracised from all their friends; only to have this incredible couple transform my life, by holding my hand every step of the way, until I was ready to be left free, my empathy was so intense. Perhaps I found it hard to let them go, perhaps in some way they had with me? May be its time for me to stop over analysing every part of my life & just live it. In good faith I did all I could, while respecting their wishes to give them space, to make sure everyone they knew realised how much they missed being with their friends at this event in the hope they would all reach out to them. Only they could make peace with their own demons, it was up to them to speak with the couple who had caused all their grief.

Last year something truly heart warming had happened out of a year of great sadness for my best friend, when she was finally able to discover just how good we all knew her art was, when her first solo exhibition was such a huge success. Her husband was also lacking in confidence in his brilliant artistic wildlife photography, which so many of our artists use as reference. Magically by the end of this years exhibition week he too was to discover just how good his creativity is & discover some self belief he never had before. Best of all they both found they had many many friends who had never stopped loving them. They are now both on a well deserved holiday.

Artists are often never happy with their work & tend not see their talents in the way others do. Perhaps a certain amount of artistic dysphoria prevails, who can say?

I had new members, new artists just starting out, chatting with me. Some were disappointed they had not sold. I hope I was able to reassure them & encourage them to make the most of their creative gifts. No one knows what potential they have in them until they try. It's never too late. I reminded them “it’s the taking part that really matters”, the camaraderie, the pleasure of creating something meaningful. This is art for goodness sake not war, it should be fun, and we are not in competition. At the same time it can mean so much & so enrich your soul. I reminded them to just enjoy taking part & meeting new friends. To be inspired not daunted. I told them of the times when I could not enter because my creativity was blocked. I commiserated with several artists who had been unable to enter this year & wished them well, trying to reassure them they will find a way when they are ready to achieve their creative dreams once more. I was so pleased to sell both my paintings this year but the event was about so much more than just selling paintings.

On the final day of the exhibition I had an encounter with an artist I had never had the privilege to meet before. This stranger was in many ways a kindred spirit. He was an elderly gentlemen who had been born in Africa & lived there most of his life. When he shared his story with me he bought everything that had happened in this maelstrom of creativity into perspective.

He had been a prolific & very successful wildlife artist in Africa who had been living in this country for five years. He was yet another tragic refugee from Zimbabwe. His only consolation was that he had escaped with his life. He had lost his family, his home had been burnt to the ground, he had been threatened with murder & torture several times before finally being driven out of his homelands. He left his soul in Africa; his creative life force had been burned to a cinder.

Sadly he is one of several new members we have had from Africa who has been through such an experience. He was to my knowledge the only one who had been completely unable to return to his painting & connect with his creativity & it was this fact that really got to my heart.

He kindly showed me photographs of his work, the most ethereal wildlife paintings I had ever seen. They carried such feeling, I was close to tears & so humbled. That he kindly shared them with me, is one more of many memories I will take with me. He had enjoyed our exhibition & the company of our friends so much he decided that very day to become a member. That we may just inspire such a tortured genius to return to his art after he had suffered such adversity in his life, was truly humbling. At this point, I was lost for words & still am. Everything happens for a reason but why………

All of this happened with the knowledge that this special haven of friends, this event could well be our last for my society of creative friends. Some how being through all of life’s recent challenges, in the scheme of things this did not faze me. It will be a tragedy particularly for amateur artists but also for the tourist attraction that holds our exhibition, as we both win from the situation of having our events in the park.

I will be so sad if that happens yet incredibly I feel more able to cope with my future now than ever before. Hopefully the friendships we have all made will survive. It does feel like so many of my social eggs are in one basket but so much is changing, evolving now. My life is so much richer. I have learned so much about myself & life, in this most incredible year. What will be, will be.

Upon my return to volunteering this week I had more amazing experiences. I intend keeping myself busy for as long as I can as my date with destiny on 3rd November suddenly begins to zoom into view. I am now doing voluntary work up to three days a week working in a hospital which I find so rewarding. I help in a paediatric department, the volunteer’s office, with a learning disability team & a bereavement team, mainly helping with administration tasks.

The senior sister in the paediatrics department asked me to see her this week. She had been so impressed by my art she asked me if I would consider painting murals in their sensory room, for the children. She also asked me if I would paint murals in their “Butterfly Room”. This is the room they take the brave young children to have their blood tests done. Often they have had so many injections & tests in their young lives they become frightened. They have creams or spray applied on their arms to help ease the pain of the injections. When they are ready they are taken to the "Butterfly Room" which is designed to be tranquil in appearance to help to relax them. The room is coloured pink & sprinkled with butterfly’s but now in need of some fresh paint. The sisters remit is for me to use my artistic judgement so that the room caters for boys & girls. They will be applying for funding soon & once I have recovered from my surgery I have this fantastic project to look forward to.

I am totally exhausted, emotionally drained but so grateful for the life I have now. I find the words of a song I heard recently resonating in my head. The singers name was familiar from my past, his name was also Rob, it seems I will never forget him.

"Life is for living, I have so much love running through my veins, so much to live for!"

How quickly life can change. There seems to be no time to draw breath as a new challenge or a new experience comes into my life. I am so relieved I have managed to cope with my anxiety issues & flourished in situations that had seemed potentially daunting. I am thrilled at the progress I have made in the last month to get my life back on track.

Sunday I hope to take my Mum to visit the hospital & meet the team where I will be having my surgery. She wants to come but if she changes her mind that's alright too. The trip is purely to help her anxiety & give her comfort that I will be in the best possible hands. That I need to put her & my dear Dad through such trauma at this time in their lives still fills me with so much guilt. She has been through so much in her life time, bless her. She looked so radiant at the exhibition, pretty as a picture.

I feel like a butterfly bathed in Sunlight for the first time. I wish these feelings could last for ever & that all of us who struggle, could believe in themselves & be given the chance to live our dreams!

Sweet dreams
Love
Debbie
Ps Please excuse the epic length of this post. I have hardly had time in my own home to type anything up for the last few weeks & just wanted to record all the special moments to share with you.

In to the light

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These are two oil paintings which are inspired by the journey of life, we are all on. They reflect my life experiences since I have finally been able to live my life true to my heART.

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The young tiger cub painting is called "Spirit of adventure".

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The cheetah cub painting is my most recent & is called "In to the light".

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How we react to life’s challenges, how we learn from our experiences is reflected in our spirit. I have been so grateful & blessed to have such a wonderful family & friends who have helped me to feel more alive than ever before. You have all been so generous to share your spirit with me.

From far & wide, all over the world, your “Spirit of adventure” has helped me to keep climbing, to push my boundaries & do the best I possibly can. The little tiger cub is reaching out for his dream, exploring his new world. Where ever you look you can see inspiration & my life has been so enriched by sharing your lives. I could list so many of you but true friends do not have to list all the things they do for each other.

As we progress through life's rich challenges it can feel like we are coming out from the darkness “In to the light”. That is very much how it has felt for me most of this year. The little cheetah cub was bathed in the late November sun which was setting low in the sky, some two year ago. I shared the magical experience with a dear friend called Anne who has since had major neck & back surgery, & two knee replacements. I have never heard her complain. She is always devoting her time for others. She will be with me there again this coming week. I will be by her side working with her. Her courage, her compassion, her creative genius but most all her remarkable spirit is an inspiration to so many, as you are!

The two paintings are my first oil paintings for nearly three years & all I have had time to paint such has been this incredibly busy year. It is now time for our annual art wildlife exhibition again. I am supposed to be helping get it all ready over the next 3-4 days. I was not sure if I would be well enough to even attend this year. It used to be such a joy such a haven. Your kind words have helped pull me through.

I have fallen behind & been rather reluctant in inviting friends to come along. I am not sure if it is the right kind of atmosphere. I am a little unsure if I will be able to survive all the emotions but recently my spirit has began to glow again. My parents are going to try to attend but even they have been put off by recent events. The gender stuff has not been a problem at all, it is the other circumstances involving friendships which have been so complicated & caused so much unnecessary upset.

It is sometimes easy for me as a person whose life is in transition to believe that I am the same person, even though I am undergoing great change. Nothing necessarily stays the same for anyone. I failed to appreciate that during life, in my case during my sometimes all consuming transition, other people/friends, family can all change too. We all have our own lives to live.

I had a lovely time meeting Jo at the exhibition last year. I wish you could all come along.

It is so important to find time for family & loved ones. My thoughts are with dear Alan who has sadly suffered the loss of his dear Auntie Frances. His recent blog post is so poignant.

My thoughts are also with my dear friend Denise who is having her GRS this morning. I hope it brings peace where once was conflict & that she heals really quickly.

I actually made a little progress with my best friend yesterday. Just a little step forward. I am not counting my chickens but there is always hope for the future

Thank you for being such a good friends. Time after time your kindness has reached out & touched my heart. Thank you for the inspiration.

God bless you.
((((((((((((((peaceful thoughts))))))))))
Lots of love
Debbie

A different perspective

I fit differently into the world now. It just seems to have happened without me realising. It is the most wonderful feeling yet also it had become so ordinary I had begun almost to take it for granted. It feels so right. What does seem to have changed is how I feel the world perceives me.

I thankfully am also beginning to see the world through different eyes now. Recently those eyes have been temporally blurred by depression caused by heartache. Even if the emotions feel extreme they are in glorious colour. Nothings drab anymore. You also get to appreciate the simple pleasures in life.

I have still been struggling with my broken heart recently & feeling rather melancholy. My self esteem had taken a bit of a battering. Sometimes a woman has to pick herself up. Put on a happy face & be ready for new experiences, ready for change. Special thanks go to two friends who have recently helped rebuild my shattered confidence.

I went back over recent events looking for positives & began to see just how improved my life had actually become. My glass has actually been a lot more than half full even during times I had actually felt rather blue.

When I had reversed my parent’s new car into a pillar at the hospital I became upset & emotional. There was a big dent, scratches & yellow paint from the pillar all over the rear wing but it was not the materialistic damage I was really worried about. I had been very worried about my Mums reaction especially her health but she was fine. The nurses I worked with did what nurses do & were absolute Angels to me, when I went into shock & burst into tears. Their comforting words & a sugary cup of tea saved the day. My Mum & Dad were only concerned for my health not their new car when I told them what I had done.

When I took the car back to the dealership to assess the damage I needlessly thought I may have the mickey taken out of me by the manager who had sold it to us. He was a real blokey bloke kind of a guy. Our interaction was so different to how it would have been in my previous existence. He had a real rugged physical presence & was very attractive. When I had previously been out for a test drive before we bought the car, one of the other car salesman had made some cheeky chauvinistic comments about my lack of driving abilities when I parked. What I received from the manager was kindness personified. He was a real gentleman. Mum & I were asked to sit down in reception & he said he would take the car away & see what he could do. Fifteen minutes later he came back with all the paintwork cleaned & repaired the dents were barely visible. He did not even charge us. We exchanged hugs before leaving. Mum & I were stunned we thought it would have cost a fortune. We were so grateful we went off to buy a gift for his new born child, a nice cuddly toy, as a thank you.

When I went back to work the following week the nursing & admin staff were even more supportive of me. I really felt part of the team but more than that I felt at ease with who they accepted me to be. My parents, the car salesman & the hospital staff had all treated me as a woman. At least that's what it felt like to me. Perhaps I will never really know?What I do know is all the time I was just me. The male mask I had for so long felt forced to have to carry was a very very distant memory. This posting is deliberately sugar coated as I am trying deliberately to look from a different perspective at recent events which made me feel blue. The real world may not always be this sweet. When I think of my recent set backs which have knocked me sideways they pale into insignificance compared with those many friends face on this journey.

Later in the week Mum & I had belatedly gone out to get my Birthday present. I had been too sad to get anything beforehand. In the first shop we went in a pretty salmon coloured jacket in my favourite Per Una section of the shop was calling me from a good 50 yards away. It fitted perfectly but we had to be sure. Mum & I had the terrible task of going round at least half a dozen more shops, trying different styles, matching shoes etc. Mum found a lipstick she liked but they only appeared to have the tester left. While she walked away disconsolately I was able to get help from a sales girl & together we discussed lipsticks. Eventually she took down a display just to find the last one in the shop. Mums face was a picture of pleasure when I handed her the lippy as a gift. I We shared a coffee together to take the weight of our feet & after much discussion we agreed I should go right back to the original shop. That jacket clearly already had my name on it from the first moment I saw it.

My visit to the local hospital to see the consultant who had referred me for my GRS went really well. Beforehand I had been really worried my broken heart may get the better of me but again he was great. I had made a big effort after a sleepless night & put on my best summer dress & a big happy smile to impress him. He was lovely. When I phoned home to reassure my parents everything was ok they were so pleased I was still on track for my surgery yet they struggled with the concept of me wearing a dress, bless them.

Later that day I took my Mum to the doctors. She was with her GP a long time & I started to worry. My poor Mum had actually opened up to her own GP as to what had been behind her recent anxiety & panic attacks. For the first time in her life at the tender age of over eighty having known since 1996 of my condition she talked at length to her own doctor about her daughter. She told me it felt like a great weight had been lifted for her. It is so hard for my parents who come from a different generation to come to terms with my future but this was a huge breakthrough for her.

It is so difficult to take our loved ones on this journey. September brings another big challenge. Mum & I will be travelling to Brighton together next month to see the hospital where I wil be having my GRS. Liz Hills the amazing lead nurse there as if by telepathy sent me a very kind e-mail asking me to get in touch as she knew things could get quite difficult for all of us as the operation approaches. I hope this will help my Mums anxiety in the days ahead but she may not see it that way. I will leave it entirely up to her right down to the day to see if she still wants to go.

As I left my home on Sunday I meet up with my neighbours. We had a lovely chat. I have invited them to our annual art exhibition. One was very interested in buying one of my paintings even before it goes on display. Another neighbour recently generously put a delightful Rose bush in a pot to the side of my front door. I came back later to find her Mum kindly watering it & we had another lovely chat. It only seems five minutes ago I had to sneak out of my door when I was going through the very difficult stage of living dual role. Big hugs go to a friend who reads this blog, who is dealing with the very demanding balancing act of living dual role at this time. The stress I feel now is minuscule compared to how I felt in my previous existence when I was perceived as a male just because of my body & a certain birth defect. Life is so different for me now.

When I visited my parents this weekend it was a warm sunny day & our doggy wanted to play in the garden. Again it only seems a short while ago when I could not do this simple pleasure. Two years ago I took some photo’s in the garden while my parents were away on holiday, of me as Debbie with our doggy. (see the photo above) I took them to try to reassure them when they were ready to accept my need to transition, I would not look like a drag queen. In those days I could only go so far out into the back garden for fear of my parent’s neighbours seeing me. Now we can play in the garden any where we like. Come & go as we please.

Life is being kind to me. It could certainly be a whole lot worse. It is the right journey for me & even if I could turn back now, it is not something that is an option or something which has ever crossed my mind. It helps so much to see the world from a different perspective.

May your week be kind to you.
Love
Debbie

Will I be happy, will I be sad?

My date for gender re-alignment surgery in November draws ever closer. A good friend of mine called Denise is about to have her surgery in the next week or two. I am so pleased for her. I wish her well & hope the surgery brings everything she dreams for.
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The emotions she is going through must be so intense. Trying to deal with them all with clarity, even with a lifetimes internal conflict cannot be easy. I am three months away from where she is. Thinking of my friend has caused me to take stock of how I feel now. It will be interesting to see how they compare with my feelings a week or two before my surgery.
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Right now that part of my body which requires surgery just feels dead. I dislike it. It makes me sad that it caused so much conflict in me & for my family. I do not intensely dislike that area of me. Subconsciously those feelings seemed hidden away in a box with the key throne away. I have for years tried not to think about that part of me. Now as time draws closer to having my birth defect corrected it causes me to think about matters I had blocked out since puberty. Some of its good some of it…………. I had so much pain down their as a child it scarred me for life.
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I cannot bare anyone seeing that part of me. The hair removal process required prior to surgery has been very traumatic for me especially when it first started. For a time it is becoming the unwanted focus of my life. Memories from my childhood come back to haunt me. Images of doctors poking & prodding just as they did to me as a child & adolescent, fill me with dread. Visions of a life long dream of correcting a wrong, a birth defect that has blighted me & my family’s life for eternity fill me with hope. Is that euphoria or the dreams of a mad woman, trapped in an alien body?

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How do we survive the first two months post op? I guess as crazy as it sounds at first by surviving all the emotions you feel in that 6 weeks prior to surgery, as a result of the enormity of the life changing surgery we are undertaking, combined with the hi octane of dealing with coming off hormone therapy. I am really frightened of the mood swing that starvation of hormones I have had in my body for over twelve years will bring. I wonder if there is anything I can take to ease the trauma? Herbal remedy or magic potion, anything that may help.
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I will have to try to cope one day at a time. I want to keep busy as long as I can. Try to keep working & occupying my mind right up until the last days before my surgery. At the same time not biting any ones head off. I have lost enough friends already!
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The first 12 hours after FFS were the most uncomfortable of my life. That took over 11 hours of surgery. By comparison 3-4 hours for such a life changing/affirming operation as GRS seems incredible. I got through the initial post FFS stage by imagining myself some time in the future, some where else, I will try that again. I have not had any doubts the surgery is right for me but there is no euphoria as such at the moment. There is a huge gratitude & appreciation I have the opportunity to correct a defect from my birth that has blighted my life. We would not be human if we were not a little scared.
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For me this is all about my gender conflict nothing to do with my sexuality. Relationships other than those involving deep friendship have not really been something I have ever been able to consider. I am a virgin & quite possibly will remain so. As Bob they were never an option. With body & mind finally in sync who knows what my future may hold.

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How will I feel afterwards? I honestly do not know. I do feel like this has always been my destiny. It equally does not feel like a miracle cure all. Should it be? It is not going to take away all of my problems. It is not suddenly going to make me a woman, I have always felt I was a woman. Yet I wonder will my dysphoria have completely died to a point I feel at peace once this surgery is complete? This surgery feels like it goes much deeper than just body image to me.

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Will this surgery correct a wrong; will this solidify how I fit into the world? Will I feel on a bad day I am a manufactured freak or at total peace, all conflict reconciled? How will it feel when we come through the other side of this? Will there be emptiness, will there be joy? My heart & my soul believe they will be smiling.
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I worry about the recovery period. How incapacitated I will be. How it will or will not all function. The pain. How it will all settle down. Will I have some numbness, loss of feeling as I have been left with from my facial surgery? There are all kinds of unknowns all kinds of risks yet I am driving on with blind faith. I think I am entitled to be a little nervous but still there is no doubt where I need to be.
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Most of all I am frightened of the impact on my elderly parents health. I am an only child, their carer & to them still their son. This is me finally mutilating & destroying the last vestiges of Bob. How is that going to feel for them? How are they going to cope at their tender years? How selfish am I to put them through all this? What if the strain causes them life threatening health problems? How are they going to be able to look after themselves & our doggy while I am laid up? As the day gets closer to my surgery the anxiety my parents feel will grow greater. My poor Mum has already recently had to start taking anti-depressants to cope. My Dad grows ever more tired. Can I really put them through this? I tried sacrificing my life for them & failed but am I heartless enough to relentlessly push on with my dream while their nightmare becomes a reality, that may drain them of their life force? We have to as a family work together on this. We are all trying our best but we seem powerless to fight our true nature.

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We should not wish our lives away but I wish the surgery & healing process were all over just the same. Then I could begin to truly immerse myself in my new life. At first the practical things in life & then if it happens who knows one day a relationship with a soul mate. I want to be able to pay my way in life again & get a part time job. For those having surgery who are in paid work it must also be such a worry. For those women who are in employment or running a business, they cannot know for sure what they are coming back to. I have great faith in them all to succeed. A recession is not the best of time to be going through transition yet we have all gained more strength of character than we perhaps ever dreamed we could.

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All of this, all of these questions yet it still feels right for me. It is part of my nature it was always part of my make up, my DNA, life force, what ever drives this, that was always going to lead to this day. What will be will be.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrcTo my dear friend Denise but also to all of you who kindly read this blog

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"May your God be with you & you find peace where once was conflict".

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Love
Debbie

Forgiveness

I have been so inspired by our friends. So many have an incredible heart & spirit. An ability to keep going. We all have so much within us we are yet to discover. Each day in adversity brings new challenges, new opportunities for us to grow.
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My beloved Mum has been becoming increasingly anxious as I have struggled to deal with my reaction to the failing of my friendship with my best friend. I simply could not control my emotions. The last thing I wanted to do was cause Mum more anxiety. We were in effect feeding each others fears & worries. I was so selfishly obsessed by my pain I had let it take over my life.
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There was a very wise comment on a television programme recently which made me realise where I had been going so wrong. The quote went something like
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"Learn from your pain, but try not to let it be your master".
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The long period of grieving I had felt at losing the special friendship I once had with my friend turned for a time into anger. Anger at myself for reacting as I did, which made my Mum ill. Frustration at not being able to deal with my own emotions. I also very briefly felt anger towards the other parties involved especially as my pleas for help as I knew my resulting depression was making me ill & this was causing my Mum to worry, were not fully appreciated.
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Perhaps my willingness to forgive & try to move on was instrumental in the misunderstanding that caused so much pain for so many people I love so dearly. Just because you forgive it does not mean you necessarily forget. Far from it. I intensely dislike any conflict & just want everyone to be happy. That Utopian view is something which will always remain just a dream.
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The anger was I guess a natural part of the healing process & went quickly, but the message was clear. From that moment I was able to control my emotions, let go of the grief & move on a little. Sometimes we have to prioritise where to use our emotional energy. I am very forgiving & my dear friends must have far more important things than me, something really worrying them, to behave so out of character. I wish them well. I will always love them.
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It was only last Monday I found out quite how ill Mum was becoming, when I took her to the doctors. This was to be an eclectic moment during which I found clarity; I found guidance & self belief through my faith & by life's many challenges. Mum thankfully seemed to be generally improving now.
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I thought we had both turned a corner & then bang I managed to reverse my parent’s new car into a pillar at the hospital on Tuesday. I was so frightened of how my Mum was going to cope. Being so vulnerable I feared this would be the final straw but she was remarkable. Calmness personified. She was only concerned for me not the car. She forgave me, as did my Dad & they both offered their unconditional love. Mum & I subsequently shared a magical days clothes shopping together. Friday I met the surgeon who did my Facial Feminisation Surgery in London & had a great session with my counselor. My Mum is still very vulnerable but there was I hope more peace in our hearts.
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My parents health is of paramount importance to me. I am also due to have a very important meeting with the consultant psychiatrist who kindly referred me for surgery this Monday at my local hospital to further confirm my suitability mentally for my surgery. Had I been scheduled a week or so ago when I was still really struggling even though it was nothing to do with my gender issues or surgery who knows what may have happened.
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We can learn from our pain, at least the mental pain. Physical pain must be so much more difficult & I cannot begin to imagine how you deal with that. What we do share is the knowledge we are not alone in this world. Angels are every where!
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I hope my beloved family can forgive me for the all the anguish I have caused.
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To all my friends I have failed to stay in touch with or have sent confusing messages to, especially recently, please forgive me. I will never forget you.
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If you have faced up to a huge challenge & have re found your faith in yourself you have also found a truly remarkable spirit. You Rock! Dig deep my friends.
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You are doing the best you possibly can & you are inspiring others too, especially me.
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Big (((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) & ((((((((Peaceful thoughts)))))))))
Have a good week
Take care
Love
Debbie
PS I wrote this after receiving a sweet message from Karen who reads this blog. You are all Angels to me!

Keeping faith

I had a very special birthday recently. It was significant because it should be my last before the birth defect which has caused me & my family so many traumas is finally corrected but also very poignantly in me finding peace through my faith.
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I am so grateful to finally be approaching my GRS. I will not actually believe it, until it finally happens & I wake up afterwards in the recovery room. It will offer me some unimaginable completeness physically yet will I ever be truly happy? Is anyone ever truly happy with their body, their appearance? No, not very often! Very few of us can live an airbrushed life. For me it is not about that, it goes much deeper below my skin. It is about reconciling pain, quietening a dysphoric voice that had become a scream which necessitated great changes to my life. It will no doubt bring significant emotional change but for me it does not signify the end of my transition. In a way this now rapidly approaching part of my journey feels like a rebirth, a new beginning but in reality is just another process we need to go throw. All be it, a huge, exciting & scary process. I will always be learning about my place in this world.
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During the early hours of my birthday I had so much going on in my head I had trouble sleeping & awoke three times crying/wallowing in self pity due to recent events with my best friend, at what I had lost, rather than all the wonderful things I have in my life, of which my beloved family & friends are so important. At three o'clock in the morning of my birthday I found myself praying for guidance, some clarity & peace of mind. I longed to be able to do the right thing for my family, for me & also for all the kind friends who have stayed with me on this journey. I had completely lost faith in myself & my self esteem had been hitting rock bottom. I had been making some very wrong decissions.
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I have never felt myself to be deeply religious even though I had been bought up a Catholic. I had even lost my faith at one point in my early twenties when I became overwhelmed with guilt & self hatred for ever angst ridden asking ”why me lord, why me?”
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Since I found myself accepting I finally needed to transition I have found my journey to be very spiritual. Being able to be True to your heart is the most uplifting experience. Many of us who find ourselves on this path share common experiences but have completely different lives. How we manage the immense changes many of which we have no control over or had no idea would happen, shape us as human beings. We feel so vulnerable, experience huge surges of uncontrollable emotions. We so often end up hurting those we love the most in this world. We get knocked down so many times but we find the faith to keep getting back up & grow in strength with each challenge we face. Now my soul feels more alive than ever before.
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As I prayed for guidance during the darkest part of my birthday morning a mystical calmness came over me & although my poor Dad had something of a coughing fit soon after which worried me I finally got to sleep. When I awoke the skies were blue. For an English summer this was something of a miracle in its self. My Dad was already up making breakfast. He played "Happy birthday" to me on his electronic organ. Our sweet little dog would not leave me alone. Mum was full of joy. I had some lovely cards to open! There really was Sunshine in my heart.
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We went for a family walk along the river. Usually it’s just Dad, the dog & I but this time Mum came to. It was glorious. We just strolled along together bathed in the morning sun. We met some friends & chatted. We stopped to relax & watch the world go by. Not a dysphoric cloud in sight. My vision un-blurred by depression, for the first time in recent weeks. Acknowledged & accepted by all who saw us as just any other family out for a walk. A Mum, a Dad, their daughter & her doggy sharing cherished moments. We are so lucky. If we could have gone any where in the world, & I could have had the most expensive presents imaginable it could not compare to this simple pleasure, this wonderful priceless gift was free, the greatest gift of all!

Originally we had planned to go out for the day to Christchurch some thirty miles away & perhaps have a meal out. Instead we stayed at home. Unfortunately Dads knee was playing up again & he had a sore throat, so we all ended up resting & enjoying our own company. We managed to get through copious amounts of Strawberry Gateaux & ice cream! We then went for another lovely walk in the evening Sun. It can be a wonderful life, if you have faith!
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May your God always be with you.
May you always have faith in yourself.
Much Love
Debbie