Surfing emotions

Last week the tsunami of sadness that washed over me finally abated. I am trying hard to learn how to surf with the waves of emotions I am prone to rather than allow myself to be totally immersed in them, if that makes any sense? It is all very well being driven by my heart but I also need to be mindful to learn to use my head as well.

I have continued to receive some really heart warming support from my friends. Several phone calls & emails lifted me. My surfing needs a lot more work but every time I have failed I have managed to keep going & learned a few valuable lessons along the way.

Dependency is unhealthy. When you make anything the focus of your whole life, you create a deep seated fear of losing it. Ironically, your neediness can often make you lose what you most want to hold on to. If you invest too much of your emotions in only one aspect of your life, such as work or relationship you can set yourself up for pain. When you experience a loss in that area you are likely to experience emptiness, loneliness & depression. I have invested so much in my friendships & creativity. They both mean so much to me & I was so frightened I had lost them. In my case my art society group of friends had become like an extended family to me & I perhaps placed too much value on those friendships. I was also able to reaffirm how valuable true friends can be.

I realised I had begun to cut myself of completely from my creative friends, as it was all too painful. The thought of people blanking me who I had once thought were my friends, even if they may only be small in number filled me with dread. Equally if friends were too compassionate towards me I feared their kindness may dissolve me into a pool of tears. I felt anxious that my vulnerability may add fuel to those who were trying to smear my reputation. The endless self analysis I had put myself through beating myself up that what had happened to cause my depression was my entire fault came to an end last Monday, in what proved to be a tumultuous week.

I visited a very good friend who runs an art gallery & tutors many of my creative friends. I made sure I went when the gallery was quiet. I had actually introduced her to our art society in the days when it was so special. She was one of the first ladies the man who has caused me such pain had fallen out with & continued to behave so cruelly too. He had actually done her a favour because she found the confidence in herself to start up a successful new venture right at the start of the current recession. We have similar values; we appreciate all our friends & treat people the way we would like to be treated ourselves, with respect & kindness.

I was quite afraid I would have a panic attack just going back to her gallery as I had been going there one evening a week for informal tuition & a chat for quite some time. Many of our Art Group also went there too, including one who was very supportive of the guy who had hurt me & had been instrumental in my distress.

We talked for ages over a nice sugary cup of tea. So many of the experiences I had been going through she had felt too. The big difference was she has none of my T baggage or health issues. She has been so supportive of me when I finally came out to the world as needing to transition. If I am honest she was everything I wished I could have been. A wonderful Mum, supremely talented with a great husband, two teenage children, a loving family. Last year she had tragically lost her beloved Mum just as her new life with the gallery was proving such a success. Her life had experienced great change too.

We talked about so many emotions something I had never ever been able to experience in my previous existence when I was perceived to be a man. It was quite beautiful & life affirming. It was simply two girl friends together, totally platonic. She succeeded in helping me break the continuous never ending loop of depressive thoughts I had been beating myself with for weeks, in a way the medical team who had come to my rescue in recent weeks, my parents & other friends who had all tried so hard to help me had been unable to solve. She gave total validation for so much of the feelings I had been through & installed renewed confidence in me, that I could find the strength in me to turn my creative life around once more.

Peaceful thoughts
Love
Debbie

Hello Darkness my old friend issue 03: I really do have Angels for friends

After being in remission for most of the last two years my depression has come back to such a degree that it has really scared me. I am dealing with it as best I can. I had been doing so well & feel like all the self confidence & esteem I had, has been completely kicked out of me, due to recent events.

I had deleted this post twice last week. I thought my mood was improving. I did not & do not want to worry any one but I am anxious & frightened just now. Its my dear Dads 86th birthday next week & my parents are due to go on a much needed Holiday shortly after. I should be focusing on his big day. I love him so much. My counsellor has her civil partnership next week on the same day as my Dads birthday. My best friends has been very worried about me. I have had some lovely emails & texts from friends who caught this post before I took it down. Special thanks go to Karen & Al. I am struggling so much. I am trying to hold every thing back from worrying those who still care about me. I am trying so hard not to let anyone down.

The depression comes in waves. Huge sadness followed by muted anger has become replaced by the blackest of depression. So black it felt as though I was only just short of having suicidal thoughts, in fact for a brief moment they flickered through my subconscious. I could feel the darkness coming over me. It was part of me for so long but I thought I had escaped its clutches.

Rather than let things go I have been questioning everything.

The value I place on all my friendships. The importance of how much a particular group of friends I have known for the last fifteen years mean to me. Especially as those going back earlier all rejected me once I transitioned. Feelings of how relationships with friends & the divisions caused by one dominating poison apple can bring back old fears of the prejudice of having been born as I have & with a history of mental health issues. The way people find themselves taking sides believing the lies that seep out. Assuming because you have transitioned or have a mental illness that you are some kind of freak/leper or some one you can patronize. Was I actually insane had I been behaving erratically to my friends?

There is also unquestionable an element of anxious self inflicted T paranoia. Even so, it does appear all too easy for me to be smeared or for people to question what has happened. If asked & I tell the truth I fear the man who hold so much sway with our group will destroy me with his bullying/smearing as he will get angry or if I say nothing it will be assumed I did something wrong. I cannot win. It plays on all the insecurities, paranoia I had about what may happen when I found myself needing to transition.

I am fighting with all my heart but the depression is still very bad. I promise you I know I have too much to live for but this is without doubt the biggest challenge to my health that I have faced since transitioning. With my judgment blurred by black depression & medication I have to be careful to keep questioning just how low my mood is. I found this quite useful http://www.firelily.com/support/depression/depression.selfcheck.html

My health records now stained with the return of depression my chances of ever finding paid work again seem even harder. Just when I was so close my vulnerability, my disability my anxiety has caught up with me. I was feeling so good & in my anxiety to give something back to the friends I love so much it has all gone so horribly wrong. I seem unable to control my reaction to the premeditated thoughtless behavior of a person completely opposite to me in the value he places on friendship.

I am trying to keep going. My creative group of friends have become like an extended family to me. They provided me with the friendships that enabled me to finally live as I should always have been. It provided a special haven with incredible friends. I clearly place too greater emphasize on those friendships. Reality is showing me that just now. With the exception of my true friends the lack of concern, the silence is deafening, the lies have been spread, their poison so destructive. I can see through my best friend’s eyes now how it must have appeared to her when I had tried to move on, it may have appeared I was dancing with the devil. I do not use friends I value each & every one.

My best friend & her husband held my hand as I began my transition & faced my eternal fears of risking being rejected, isolated from our mutual friends. All those fears proved unfounded back then. Had that gone wrong, had friends not been so kind I would not be here now.

How cheaply that which I held so precious can appear to be tossed aside by people I trusted. How needy how naive of me. We had been for a period right up to just before I began living full time as Debbie what may be quite rare an artistic group without ego's clicks or eletism. Sadly as my life needed to change so a change in circumstance for a pivitol character in my creative group of friends caused them huge stress & bought their own issues to the surface.

Right now it feels like a very special part of my life is completely dead. A very substantial part of the foundation on which I had been able to successfully transition has subsided into oblivion & taken my creativity with it. That all feels very frightening to me. I cannot go on like this. I felt hopeless, totally lost. I have to dig deep to get myself out of this. In writing this it looks like a cry for help, I fear I may be worrying any friends who read this. I promise I could not put my parents through the agony of ending my life but I seem to be stuck in a spiraling loop of depressive thoughts.

If only the source of all my recent worries had spoken to me first I could have easily resigned without any smearing going on. I should not let this all hurt me but it does. In my case I feel extremely vulnerable & marginalised because of the cruel way this has all been handled & frustrated at my continued inability to control my reaction.

I should have walked away when he bullied my friend two years ago but I was too weak then. His friendship with me ended that day I kept him at arms length an acquaintance. I had managed to move on but not forget. As I was so upset for the hurt I had unintentionally caused my best friend last year & a number of friends had been expressing how uncomfortable they felt at being amongst friends at our annual exhibition because of his behaviour towards them I made a determined effort to support them as they have me. My words in the catalogue pinned my colours to the mast, like a red rag to a bull. I am so pleased my most valued friendship survived.

Mum was very poorly last weekend because of the worry I was causing her. I took her to see her GP on Monday morning. She was looking a lot better then & her results were fortunately good. Once my reaction to events began harming the health of my parents I knew I had to act. I drove from Mums GP directly to the hospital that had been caring for me to see the duty doctor. When the receptionist kindly asked” how did your exhibition go?” I just lost it & burst into tears. As usual the care I received was exceptional. They managed to get me an appointment with the consultant who has been looking after me. With huge despair I accepted his advice to increase my medication after so much progress. If this saved my parents worrying about me I had to do it. I knew with my fragile mood & my creativity equally fragile taking anti-depressants would kill my anxiety but also my creativity but I had no choice. Last Tuesday I managed some how to blag my way through a day volunteering at the hospital but Tuesday night I felt physically sick at the thought of going to my art group.

On the Wednesday I had another appointment at the hospital for some cognitive therapy I had recently been attending http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx. The doctors conclusion regarding my reaction & behaviour was that I am a very compassionate person yet I was showing no compassion to myself. I would never treat a friend the way I was beating myself up for feeling so weak & vulnerable. My reaction to what had happened in context was perfectly valid but all the other issues I had loaded on top were crushing me. Most nights I had been unable to sleep properly often waking at 4 oclock crying & not getting back to sleep until 5 minutes before the alarm would go. The cumulative effect of this made my depressive episodes even worse.

Thursday I felt almost Zombie like but wanted to keep going. I managed to get into work in the afternoon & see some volunteer friends at a meeting in the evening. I did not want to let anyone down & wanted to deliver some photos for my best friend. Fortunately their kindness did not trigger off any more tears so the drugs must be working

On Friday I received the sweetest of supportive emails from one of my fellow committee members. Saturday I managed to drive to Brighton to deliver some pictures to my friend Lucy. She bought them at our recent exhibition. I should not really have driven. In my dark past I had occasionally driven with the competency of George Michael although all my medication was prescribed. I had a lovely time with a truly special friend who shows dignity & serenity way beyond my capabilities. She provided the most delicious cooked meal & excellent company. It was a shame to leave her.

Last Sunday I finally made some progress. The realisation that Mr ##it had almost certainly already planned to bin me before the exhibition crystallized. My parents made me see that. It was not my fault, my actions or anxiety. It was my reaction to an external event. If only I had not added so many inseccurities & issues on top. If only I could have let go then!

On Tuesday I managed to go to work again with only fours sleep but with my creativity blocked I could not face visiting my art group in the evening. I some how managed to keep going & by Friday my mood had lifted enough to give me hope.

My depression is thankfully easing a little but my mood is so erratic. I will get through this with the help of my parents, true friends & kind medical help.

After all the support & kindness that I have received. All the wonderful things that have happened in my new life I feel like I am letting everyone down by blogging this.

This Saturday my mood crashed again after a bad nights sleep. I managed to take my parents out to their social club this evening & hide how I was feeling from them. Alas I cracked & was really struggling on the way home. I was getting lower & lower & lower. Then a miracle happened. The phone rang. It was a true & special friend. Julia's timing was immaculate. I cried & cried. I talked & she listened & listened, bless her. I was not suicidal but I was so low until I found once more. I really do have Angels for friends!

Love
Debbie

Let it go

When I am feeling bad & my heart is aching my emotions run & my tears flow. We all have our own problems, we all have our own thought processes. Mine are clearly emotion driven. I am too often guilty of over analysing things & just cannot let those destructive thoughts go.

I came across this track by U2 which I found very uplifting
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgBtoiNxPyE&feature=related

((((((Peaceful thoughts)))))))

Love
Debbie

Bless your hearts, thank you.

Bless your hearts, thank you for all the kind replies to my previous angst ridden post crying for help. True friends who are there for you when you most need your spirits lifting are so important in life. They can give you a hug (even a cyber hug) as you all have, hold you by the hand to guide you & simultaneously touch your heart.

This post had started in despair & ends with great joy.

"I don't cope well with bullies.
I have never been able to stand up for myself.
I have never liked confrontation.

I had to fight back a mixture of desperately sad & dysphoric tears to put on my make up to take my dear Mum to the docs yesterday for an appointment with the Asthma nurse. I came so close to letting her down.

I am scared of letting everyone down & losing everything I have achieved. There are dark periods where I feel I am spiralling downwards out of control into depression, my foots pressing hard on the break but for the moment I have lost all control. Then little chinks of light, sprinkled by the Angels I am blessed to have as my true friends appear, which I cherish.

I fought so hard to get where I was so at peace with the world. For the first time since I had to stop painting a few years ago I had really discovered my passion for creativity & now this vile man threatens to rip that most precious gift from my fragile grasp.

I am struggling today even to get out of the door for a gift for my best friends birthday. I go from grief to anger back to self loathing at how weak I am.

I am off to hospital this afternoon for some urgent cognitive therapy. It was to have been a routine appointment to help teach me coping mechanisms to ward of the tsunami of emotions that I very occasionally feel so susceptible to because of my past life experiences. In the here & now I had been doing so well, this was just to be the icing on the cake & then this evil man reminds me of just how vulnerable I still am. The bullies winning & he is already spinning his evil smoke screen of lies.

What a picture of self pity this outburst has been".

Then the gift that true friends bring, that is absolutely priceless, perhaps something invisible to the eye that only the heART can see, lifted my spirits. To look outwards again not in.

I must keep my faith & change my negative thought processes to stop feeling this way. As Nicky kindly eluded to in her comments on my last post you can experience something life affirming when body and mind are finally at peace. You gain a strength inside you from the journey you have been on, which can give you inner strength previously never dreamed of. When I think of friends who have shown great courage, kindness & tremendous spirit it is poignant to remember a dear friend who should be having a special day today.

My dear wonderful friend Julia should be about to have her surgery at Charring Cross today & my thoughts should be with her. She is an amazing woman who has been through so much & deserves to be happy. God Bless you my friend , I hope the surgery brings her everything she wishes for.

Update:-

This post ends with the great news my friend Julia successfully had her surgery this afternoon & came back to the ward around 4.30.

Much love
Debbie

Saying Good by to a world you thought you lived in

"Saying Good by to a world you thought you lived in"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=As61-cmK4OI

The words from a song by MIKA which are a sound track to my life just now. The bitter bitter man from the soundtrack the bully who in any other world could be so easily defeated is awakening my demons. I'm really struggling to smile like I mean it just now after such a lovely period.

I have been devoting my time helping at our annual wildlife art exhibition once again. Life had been a glorious blur of enjoyable experiences, watching friends grow to discover & fulfil their many talents.

I managed to encourage my best friend find the confidence to be among her many friends in spite of the presence of a bully from our past. Her dear husband was also finally able see what we had allways known. He discovered the belief in his beautiful artistic photography.

To see seeds of creativity blossom such as the young girl who attended our show with her parents who was kindly given the opportunity to practice on the very expensive work in progress by a very gifted best selling artists was one of many highlights. An artist friend who had been a member for 5 years who finally found the confidence in her abilities to display her work for the first time & sell it.

To see my Dear Friend Lucy revisit us after attending one of her first visits to the big wide world only last year was a joy. She is such a sweetie & her confidence has grown so much in such a short time.

To meet another kindred spirit who had been struggling to paint who courageously shared something quite remarkable & humbling with me.

It’s nice just to be able to have your work enjoyed by others & displayed for many visitors to see. In my case having been too ill to connect with my creativity not that long ago the simple process of creating a painting at all had been a simple pleasure. This year I finally got back to where I wanted to be with my painting. Although I only had time to produce two new ones they both sold & an older reworked painting seemed to receive the odd kind comment. There were unfortunately a number of very talented artists who had either recently received awards & or sold out regularly previously for no discernible reason other than the lack of the right visitor coming through the door. failed to sell any. The empathy & understanding from like minded creative friends is of great comfort but it still hurts as we invest so much emotion if a paintings to work well & not having a red dot, not selling, does not necessarily make yourpainting a bad one.

I wished I could have found the courage to invite my best male friend who I still miss dearly who sadly having pledged his support once I transitioned found things too complicated. I had to respect his wishes & finally say good by to him. I miss his smile, his sense of humour, just spending time with him. It seems really difficult for mates to suddenly become male friend & boy friend. The whole dating game seems a scary complicated place with the unwanted baggage I have to take with me. To live in stealth is not an option for me & if it were it would still seem like living a lie anxiously fearing discovery, a relationship built on trust with honesty seems a goal to dream for one day, who knows.

I had a lovely two weeks or so pushing my boundaries enjoying life socialising & working so hard giving my time freely in support of our friends, when bang a red dot appeared on my back & the bully who had been biding his time shot with deadly accuracy. I have been told I am no longer to part of the team who work so tirelessly to put the event on, the reasons a smoke screen using my history as an easy excuse. In an instant something I had always cheerished was gone. I am stronger now but my confidence is once more so fragile.

I have to finally say good by to the creative world I once found sanctuary in, as the bully has found yet another female to victimise. For those of you who have been reading my blog you know who this bullying pivitol character is. My best friends really angry & upset that he has done this again to one of us. I do not want to play the part of a victim any more but its hard to hold on to my shattered confidence & change my behaviour. There are far worse things & more important things in life than this so I at least still have my perspective.

Please send me a hug, paint me a blue sky as I grieve for a special place that was once a haven in which I could safely enjoy transitioning. Its time to finally move on. I have come too far now to let this person beat me. I feel weak heart broken & vulnerable to panic attacks again but I do not want to let anyone down. I need to reach inside & find ways of coping with all these emotions as my Technicolor life fades once more to grey.

God Bless
Love
Debbie

The Candyfloss Girl

One of my dear friends Nicky “The Candyfloss Girl” is someone I will never ever forget. This post is dedicated to her as is the painting, which is of a young cheetah cub elegantly making her way along the savanna bathed in the evening sun.

Nicky always strives to be the best person for everyone, to keep everyone happy. When I first contacted her in 2007 she needed to be in many many places at once. I suspect that still remains the case in her busy life today. Something so many of us can probably relate to.

There is a wonderful benefit to be had from blogging, far more than I appreciated. I selfishly find it sad when friends move on & no longer share this blogy kingdom of cyber space, but there probably comes a time for all of us to move on one day.

Nicky has a heart of gold, totally honest. A warm spirited, sensitive, compassionate, creative woman whose “Love will find a way” to the happiness she deserves.

Her empathy & kindness were a shining light in the darkness during a very difficult time in both our lives. She encouraged me to look forward & not back, a habit I still find myself guilty of slipping in to sometimes. I have yet to discover "the Secret"! For her a new day in her new life has dawned & the sun has set on her blogging days. She is now able to make her way into the big wide world. You might just be able to follow her path by the crumbs from her cake; with a TARDIS for a tummy, she has the most amazingly trim figure, a beautiful person both inside & out!

Recently I had a land mark birthday. About the same time I was contacted by the lovely Calie http://calietg.blogspot.com/& asked if I would consider writing a post for T central http://t-central.blogspot.com/. A place originally created by another inspirational friend Lori D. When I am able to fully connect with my creativity I find it much easier to express myself through painting than the written word. Lori much like Nicky & Jo seem to have a gift to express themselves so ellequently in what ever creative medium they chose. In order to write the post http://t-central.blogspot.com/2010/08/transition-thoughts-reflections-guest_07.html I found myself reflecting on my experiences. An exert from the post on T central is below. Its relevant here as testimony to how valuable friends like Nicky are.

“When I was finally allowed to seek care from a gender specialist Dr Curtis http://www.transhealth.co.uk/in London, in 2006, I discovered the answer to my eternal dilemma of “why or how do some people find themselves needing to transition”.

I broke down in tears during the appointment. At this point he explained he had come across a small number of transsexual patients who perhaps with low self esteem, had chosen to sacrifice their lives for their loved ones. He also suggested it may help for me to find like minded friends who may be experiencing similar challenges in their lives. How prophetic his words were.

These wise words initially broke me. When I got home that night for the first time in my life I found myself coldly & calmly planning my own suicide. For those in the UK with such things on there mind we have the Samaritans http://www.samaritans.org/?gclid=CNWysqW3rKMCFQY9lAodEEWS6Q Thankfully I was not alone that night. I really did have Angels for friends. Life is so precious. His advice about finding friends who understood what it was like to experience GD was to transform my life. The empathy & kindness of those new friends I made at this traumatic stage in my life is something I will never ever forget.

I joined a support group called UK Angels http://www.angelsforum.co.uk/phpforum/index.php?sid=62e83a31f131cf342140b76699baf554 & was blessed to find some wonderful supportive friends. I was so fortunate to join such a haven at this particular time. Gradually I began taking little steps forward. Facing those fears I had & growing with each challenge faced. Critically they were undertaken at a pace that was right for me & my loved ones. It was time for my life to blossom. I began pushing my boundaries more & more. I had always known of my condition but I was unsure if I could actually live the life I so longed for.

Inspired by kind hearted friends from all over the world, I was able to discover I had a spirit inside me I never dreamed possible.

We can be thousands of miles apart. Yet so close. We are all unique but perhaps share that time where we feel so isolated & alone, our wings caked in the oil that is our GD. Yet we have sisters, some so close in the same town or far away in another country, whose empathy helps us survive, to find the path that is right for us. We share the same tears. The love of those kindred spirits; keep us going, & will always share a place in our hearts.

There came a point in time when I finally felt ready to transition that for me really did feel like a leap of faith. Did my bell go off; did my own realization of mortality push me into being a late onset transitioner? I am not sure I will ever know.

One thing I do know is that my life was made all the richer for being blessed with a friend like dear Nicky "The Candyfloss Girl".

Debbie x

Brilliant Girl (s)!

I would like to dedicate this painting & post to my dear friend Jo & all the other brilliant friends out there whose inspiration & kindness has helped me so much. I feel so privileged to know you as friends.

The painting is of a snow leopard cub called Binu. In the wild they are critically endangered due to human activities. Against all the odds a few thousand of these very elusive felines are hanging on, often in the most extreme of habitats.

My ability to paint is very much dependent on my well being & perhaps even reflects my soul. I love to paint. For a few years as my emotions became blurred & laden with storm clouds, I really struggled to reconnect with my creativity. I finally got it back last year only to lose it once more after the heartbreak caused when a cherished friendship hit the rocks. My brushes lay dormant once more but now we are firmly reacquainted. Thankfully that cherished friendship is now back on track & my mind more at peace, to enable me to paint again, with a passion, from my heART!

Trying to get back to the workplace, so I can be able to pay my way in life again, has exposed my vulnerability to anxiety & stress but also taught me a lot about myself. At first I wobbled & felt like panicking when confronted by a very stressful working environment but I managed to work through it. I am not giving in to my old fears no matter how long it takes. May be I am perhaps stronger than I thought. I have so much to be grateful for. Trying to do the right thing for everyone, taking into account all our needs, hopes & dreams, seems at times akin to a plate spinner, juggling plates at a circus! Our love will find a way.

Letting go of my past, without denying it, never mind having the choice, all seem to add baggage to the journey. In times of stress I often draw strength thinking of how you, my friends, have coped in such adversity. When the emotional bombs have finally stopped, there still seem to be after shocks to deal with.

The inspiration you have all given me will never be forgotten. It has been so heart warming to have shared part of your lives. Your spirits shine so bright, where ever your path takes you.

I have been incredibly busy trying to rebuild my life. Caring for my parents, increasing my work experience & painting furiously for our annual art exhibition. Time just seems to be racing by & it has felt increasingly difficult to keep up with friends as much as I would like, especially those here, which makes me sad. I even missed the opportunity to wish dear Jo a belated happy birthday. So much seems to be going on in everyone’s lives. Some very special friends have moved on. Saying Good by to a world you thought you lived in, can bring on so many emotions both happy & sad.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life to forget them.

Dear Jo
Good luck & best wishes with your new home & new job but most importantly of all with those loved ones you cherish so dearly, your brilliant girls.

God Bless you Brilliant Friends!
Love
Debbie