Tuesday, 15 July 2008

Self Doubt

The last view days have seen
very turbulent times for me.
A haven has become hell.
The guilty monkey is
& old fears
are reawakening.
I am so vulnerable yet need to be strong.
I am damaged goods & as much as I want to I am not sure if I can carry on. Denial is not an option, so if I cannot carry on what choice do I have!
This was not meant to be a cry for help, yet I guess that is exactly what it is.
I am doubting I will ever be able to stand up for myself in the big wide world. I do not handle confrontation at all well & am passive by nature. I get hurt too easily. Words can hurt & I am one of those people who may find discrimination a killer.
I am at a point where I am scared to move on for fear of failing. I cannot explain quite why I have reached this point, why I am scared to go beyond it.
This is not a rant its from the heart. Quite simply I am suffering from empathy overload & have been neglecting to look after my loved ones. I am one of life's worriers & really care about each & everyone of my family & friends. I often have trouble switching off & mull things over intensely trying to help. I will never change.
My counsellor has warned me against taking on any voluntary or paid work which involves caring for others at this stage in my return both to better health & employment. I am just too sensitive & sometimes care too much & it all gets too much for me to handle.
Recent events have caused me to question my own ability to cope. My self belief, is for the time being evaporating, after so much progress.
A wonderful haven "the angels forum" has been visited by devils & mischief makers. There are so many good people there yet a few are intent on their own selfish means & show no respect for other peoples feelings or points of view. Labels wars sicken me. Gender dysphoria affects people to varying degrees at differing stages in their lives. No one persons way is the only way to cope with it. I sadly guess this kind of thing happens quite a lot on these kind of support forums. A lot of vulnerable people can be hurt or even lost for ever. I can certainly understand why many TS migrate away from the community. The kind ones who stay & are able to share their valuable experiences & provide accurate honest advice are an invaluable life line for so many. I can do empathy but that honest advice, sometimes which we do not want to hear can be a life safer. It takes special people to do that & stand up for our rights. Sadly there seems to be some jealousy & also a small number who appear elitist.
I just want to be able to get on with my life. I am a woman who has been born with a deformity at birth, not a transwoman which I guess is what I am at this stage in my transition. I would love to be able to live in stealth but I am realistic enough to realise that cannot be. I am then faced with the reality of for ever being a transwoman, shamefully in some peoples opinions a freak, a non person with no rights. What has troubled me with this, is that I have felt myself apologising for being TS for several months at the start of my real life experience. Its only recently I have realised I have as much right to be who I am as any other person. If I am being transphobic myself what hope is there for understanding & acceptance by society.
I then found I was reflecting those beliefs on my parents, as they were originally responsible for me having them. My own insecurities & frustrations had led me to selfishly lash out at my loved ones last night. In reality my parents had realised they were wrong & had been doing the best they possibly could to readdress them & support me as best they could. A perfectly resonable posting on the forum regarding Transmillitant & the emotional replies had re-opened up so many negative feelings regarding discrimination. I felt awful & deeply regret my actions. My poor mum was really upset & my behaviour was dreadful. It did none of my family any good & has led to a lot of soul searching & tears.
I recognise the critical point I am at in my journey. I need to test myself in the real world. I feel ashamed saying this after the kind support & love I have experienced on line but I have recognised I have become slightly addicted to this safe cyber world. I would never have got this far without the friends I have made here. Bloging provides great theraputic value. I have never felt part of the trans community & recent self destructive events on Angels have driven me to this realisation.
I need to move on.
Am I chasing R a i n b o w s?



Jessica Hart said...

Look at the level horizon, Debbie, not, and not the immediate potholes.

Rebecca said...

Your doubts and fears are normal, Debbie, but you have to just try to put on blinders to the possible consequences and push on through. You look great, imo, and should be out and about living your life as the real you. Proud and happy. It's hard, but possible xxx

alan said...

As I read your words I find a kindred spirit in one whose empathy and love are some times overwhelming. I, too, am one who would rather bite my tongue and disappear rather than have a confrontation of some sort; it's been a downfall for all my 52 years and I'm to the point of giving up on ever getting past it. It comes at the expense of my digestion, and leads me to hide here a lot where I can be myself rather than the "real world" where I walk on eggshells all too often.

May you get the chance to be yourself in this life, and enjoy your talents and your loves without fear!


Josephine said...

Oh shit...this is my Angels thread that's done some of this...

What to say, what to say...?

Angels will settle down, it always does. It always amazes me how upset people get whenever the conversation there moves away from heels or hormones. Just step away for a bit.

You will move on, just give it a little time. Look at how far you have come. Just stand back and reflect. The thing is, the graph isn't a straight line, our progress flattens out sometimes, takes a knock even, but the overall direction is up.

Self examination is a curse in all this...we are always assessing ourselves aren't we? How am I doing? Am I getting there? Am I going at the right speed? The process flows, like a river, irrespective...no matter how much we question it. It happens anyway...

Here's a poem from Franz Kafka...

You need not do anything
Remain sitting at your table and listen
You need not even listen
Just wait and
You need not even wait
Just become quiet and still and solitary
And the world will offer itself to you
To be unmasked
It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy
At your feet

It's called 'On the pathway to knowledge'. Actually, I could do with reading it a bit more often too...

Anji said...

Jessica, Rebecca and Jo offer you advice from experience. Alan and I are here to assure you that everyone has these moments of self doubt. Alan is right, sometimes it's easier inside the computer that out of it. Read Jo's poem again, everyday you are advancing.

Debbie K said...

I just wanted to say a quick very big thank you. You have lifted my spirits.
Bless you all.


Kate Phizackerley said...

Today isn't the best day for me to comment but having read your blog, I can't leave it.

You have [b]not[/b] taken any steps back. GID comes in cycles. This is just a downturn. Remember you've only just gone full time and not had SRS yet. You'll still have some GID.
So don't feel you've gone backwards or lost your confidence. I'm sure you'll also find that this dip is also far shallower and shorter than before. Within a few days you'll be feeling better again.

Onwards and upwards dear.


LucyTolliday said...

I find myself echoing the wise advice others have said.

The inquests have already taken place about what happened in several threads on the Angels forum with many harsh words said and one or two deeply upset, it's a shame because most like Josephine's were really intelligent questions and not worthy of what happened. My regret is that the level headed people get shouted down, ignored or worst of all get hurt. Sometimes all because of a label.

The words and discrimination will hurt and the fear of which has held me back but the reward of being the real you should outweigh that.