Walk with me.

Today brings another landmark on my journey. The tears are already flowing. For over 12 years I have been visiting London to see various gender specialists. Each time I left my parents home, my Mum would always ask me nervously with fear & pleading in her eyes "Do I have anything to worry about? Am I losing my son? "How I tried to live to their wishes not to transition while they were alive.
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From my darkest hours on 29th June 2006 preceding my appointment with the gender specialist I am seeing again today, when for the first time in my life I thought I could commit suicide, it has been quite a journey. On that cathartic Wednesday evening in June my Mother had repeatedly told me we never want you to transition, you can wait till we die & that she would kill herself rather than accept me transitioning. Since 1996 when I disclosed to them they actually had a daughter, the poor loves had been in denial & although I had foolishly tried to live to their wishes, I now know in reality it was my responsibility & I was simply not ready until the hiatus arrived that night.
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My Dad had actually told me he would never be able to walk with me If I transitioned. He became so ill when I had to tell him a consultant at our local hospital supported my belief that I needed to transition or risk insanity or suicide, that he ended up in hospital.
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The choice of always being ill with depression, permanently a zombie or an emotional wreck, & realizing that the gender specialist Dr C had perfectly summarised my life at that time by suggesting "a minority of transsexuals with low self esteem, selflessly give up there life for others & lead an unfulfilled life", created the worst night of my life. Thankfully I survived & took on board his wise words. His advice that I should seek like minded friends who were experiencing similar feelings to help combat the isolation & traumatic mental anguish I was under proved to be so important to me. I will aways be greatful to those inspirational "Angels" many of whom I am so privileged & humble to now have as true friends.
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The eloquent & beautiful, hugely talented Lori D http://lorisrevival.blogspot.com/2009/06/madness-of-stagnation-watching-friends.html describes so well the emotions I have gone through on my journey. A seemingly never ending ever changing path I have been walking, which has suddenly turned in recent weeks into something of a sprint.
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My parents have come so far on this journey with me. My parents have both walked with me every step of the way although not always agreeing with the direction, until the proof they saw, the living truth, demonstrated before them, once I began my real life experience. I am so lucky to still have them with me. A few weeks ago my beloved Mum nearly left this world after a major panic attack caused heart palpitations. Every day we share together every step is to be cherished.
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Only last Friday Mum & I went to see where I work at the hospital. I needed to see the volunteer co-ordinator to explain in person that due to an unfortunate unavoidable clash of dates we had to pick up a new car this Tuesday the very day I was due to be buddying a volunteer with learning difficulties. I felt awful at letting volunteer down but thankfully the co-ordinator completely understood. Every time I visit her office I never know what job I will be asked to do next. I have complete trust in her. In fact she suggested I really should consider applying for paid positions at the hospital as she was so pleased with my efforts. This came as a great & totally unexpected surprise to me. More was to follow when she asked my Mum to become a volunteer, Dad was also mentioned & we even ended up with our corgi being offered a job as a pat dog to cheer up the patients. I then took my Mum to meet the nurses where I work. It was a lovely experience to share with her. Not a blazing torch or irrate villagers chasing me out of the village in sight, as she once feared. We walk as one, a daughter & a wonderful Mum, so magical yet so ordinary.
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Today as I set off for a very big consultation there she was in the window waving me off. It was one of those mornings like no other. We were both too choked with emotions to convey in words how we felt on this momentous day.
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So often I stood outside a door afraid to seek help never believing a day like today would happen. Today I will be asking my gender specialist
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"Please if agreeable will you kindly provide confirmation in writing, as to my suitability for gender realignment surgery" which I would like to be undertaken by Mr Thomas at the Nuffield Hospital Brighton?.
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I will write some more about this memorable day later.

My prayers have been answered

I received the following wonderful news when I switched on my computer today
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"Dear Debra
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You are coming to the Nuffield. Only girls from Glasgow and Lanarkshire in Scotland are going to PRH.So do not worry.
Liz x"
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Liz Hills the lead clinical nurse at Brighton had kindly taken the trouble to reassure me everything was ok even though she had just gone off on some well deserved vacation time. Her dedication to her patients knows no bounds & I am so grateful to know this lady will be looking after me. This means so much to me. The last 48 hours have been really difficult. I tried so hard to not let my anxiety take over my life but the wheels seemed to come off & panic set in as I careered out of control into a nightmarish place. Thankfully the most important things in my life, my faith, my family & friends were all there for me.
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Yesterday I was running on empty & my way of distracting my anxiety was to reach out to my friends. My heart was in the right place but my grip on reality was strained. I found my self on my computer at 4 o'clock in the morning catching up on my online friends lives in between searching for answers. I thought those days had long gone.
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My day descended into yet more chaos by me emailing my worries regarding my grs to the wrong Liz. Followed by the news my parents new car was arriving this coming Monday the same day I am in London to see Dr C the gender specialist. The alternative was the Tuesday in which case I will have to cancel my volunteer day at the hospital which will make it look like I am pulling a sicky to avoid working with the volunteer who has learning difficulties. In truth the poor love would probably have been thinking a lot clearer than me at the time!
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While I was in meltdown my parents reaction was something that only a relatively short time ago would have seemed impossible to imagine. From denial & angst for over ten years they were now by my side in my hours of need, willing their daughter to get the surgery they accepted she so needed.
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I have been overwhelmed by support & love from my family & my friends. All of you who kindly share my world here helped me so much. I cannot thank you enough. Yesterday evening I went out with some dear friends just when I need it most & today's news has left me feeling so blessed & so happy.
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Through out this turmoil I was able to "Place all my trust in Jesus" & my prayers were answered.
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Bless you my friends.
May you all have a wonderful weekend.
((((((Peaceful thoughts))))))))))
Love
Debbie

An anxious wait

I have just read some very distressing news which may mean my gender realignment surgery will not be happening at the place I had set my heart on. I appreciate I am still very lucky to be having my surgery via the NHS but the news has sent my anxiety into over drive.
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I had such trust in the lead nurse of the team at Brighton & her team together with the excellent facilities. Obviously the surgeon is vitally important but so too is the after care & location. I am sure I am the same as most patients requiring surgery via the national health system, that will not quite believe they are finally going to get their operation until they actually wake up after the surgery. Cancellations at short notice are all too common.
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Late tonight I read the news that a lady from Scotland who was due to have her NHS funded GRS at the Nuffield Brighton had her surgery transferred at very short notice to Hayward’s Heath. This may or may not be down to a change in policy but this poor love would appear to be the first lady to have Mr Thomas perform this surgery at this particular hospital. Like me she had complete faith in the team at Brighton & with a new possibly inexperienced team, not to mention the huge disappointment, my heart goes out to her.

I have tried desperately to contact Liz Hills at the Brighton Hospital but unfortunately she is about to go on leave for a week so I face a very anxious wait to find out if my surgery may not be where I had hoped for. Life is never easy.
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May your week be kind to you.
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Love
A tearful anxious Debbie

Volunteering an uncomfortable truth

I am really enjoying my voluntary work at the hospital. I find it very rewarding. It is so nice to work with such compassionate dedicated people. It is great to give something back to the NHS which has helped me & my family so much over the years. It is so lovely to feel valued, to be part of a team & to do something so worthwhile. It has helped stretch my boundaries & rebuild my confidence. I am willing to take on almost any duty they offer me & never know what I may be asked to do next. The volunteer coordinator who is responsible for over 800 volunteers has a wonderful way with her & installs great confidence. I trust her judgement & have never felt the need to say no to anything she has asked of me. She is gradually expanding my duties & although the work is voluntary it has many of the responsibilities of a real paid position.
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Apart from working in the children’s department I have also done some data inputting tasks. The most demanding task so far was for me to assist with a training day for hospital HR managers during which I had to attend three job interviews for a fictitious ward clerk’s position. I have only ever had one mock interview for a job in over thirty years having had my previous career for 29 years. With my anxiety issues, lack of interview experience, extreme shyness & the wonderful positive Alexia of finally being my true self for the first time in my life, this would really stretch my comfort zone.
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Excluding the 90% of my life where society expected me to play a role that matched my body, I have never done any role playing willingly before & never wanted to but I knew this would be great experience for me.
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Three of us volunteers, myself, another lady & a man were given ten minutes to learn a brief life history & a career profile we were asked to assume for the interviews. We could base them loosely on ourselves as none of us had acting experience. The male applicant was to appear to be ex military, with a minor disability & a tendency towards enjoying alcohol. I was asked to choose randomly from two sealed envelopes which contained female characters roles I was to play. One of the characters had little previous experience for the job; the other was well qualified but held a secret they did not wish to disclose during the interview. It came as no surprise for me to select the one with the secret. The surname of the character coincidentally was identical to one of my inspirational friends here on the Internet who is on the same path, which encouraged me to imagine how she might conduct herself in such a situation. . The secret I am pleased to say is something I am sure my inspirational friend does not have & neither do I. The character I had to play had a prison record.
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The interviews were conducted by three separate panels of four or five HR managers who were all on the training course. It was their task to select the appropriate candidate & identify any strengths or weaknesses in the three applicants.
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I was so nervous for the first interview it felt very very real to me. Part of their training clearly involved trying to establish the integrity & quality of the applicant. When they asked me if there was anything I wished to disclose to them which might affect my chances of being successful in applying for the job I nearly froze. This was rather too close to my own very real fear of the preconceived prejudice I am possibly likely to face from some potential employers.
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Incredibly by the second interview I felt a confidence grow inside me I had never experienced before. I could handle this situation. What ever the outcome good or bad, it was a win win situation. I could learn so much from this situation & more importantly so could the HR managers.
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Some of the panels were more warm/friendly in their approach, all were very polite & respectful. Interestingly; it became apparent they were generally actually all just as nervous as me. We all had our own fears; we are all only human after all!
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Once all the interviews had been completed all three candidates were summoned by the trainer to another interview room to sit in front of the class of over a dozen managers to be cross examined on how we all thought the interview went. It finally came down to decision time when the panels were asked to identify the successful candidates. The first panel chose the other lady. The second chose me. I was momentarily strangely disappointed to find the final panel chose the other lady. It was an incredibly beneficial shared experience & the tutor was able to provide excellent key points for both the interviewers & us the candidates.
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This experience broke down a number of major barriers for me & was a great lift to my confidence. So much so that this week I was asked if I was willing to do the same thing again for training day & I said “Yes.”
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In truth I am quite scared how tough it will be when I am eventually well enough to attempt to try to get paid employment. My disability remains my anxiety but I am determined to live my life to the full & one day it may be diminished enough for many more of my dreams to come true. All the baggage I carry, all the paranoia & possible prejudice I may face. I so admire the men & women who successfully transition in the workplace & the pressures they constantly face with many of their colleagues knowing their past. Finding or retaining employment is so hard for everyone especially so in a world wide recession. We can all become victims of discrimination during our lives. People may face prejudice in the workplace for reasons of age, for gender, race or religion, disabilities or just for being different. I am willing all those that may feel victimised by ignorance, with all my heart, to succeed in their lives & their careers.
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Having had this great experience from volunteer work I was faced with an uncomfortable truth this week. The volunteer coordinator gave me a dilemma which for the first time I found myself unsure as to the outcome.
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The volunteer co-ordinator asked me if I would mentor/buddy another volunteer. This volunteer was described to me as being on her last chance. The volunteer duties although not necessarily demanding are taken quite seriously. The volunteer co-ordinator did not want to have to let her go but she informed me this person apparently seemed not to be able to conform to what was required of her. This person apparently struggled to maintain concentration & is prone to disregarding the rules some times. I was asked to come along to meet her. When we were introduced the volunteer co-ordinator spoke to her very politely but quite firmly. She was warned not to take too many cups of tea in a slightly jovial but serious manner.
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Although I have supervised people in the past I am none confrontational & like to get along with people. I was not sure if I could do this. If I agreed she would join me in the department where I am usually the only volunteer in that part of the hospital. I love the job & the team of wonderful nurses, I humbly assist. Working with this lady might prove too demanding for me & selfishly spoil something I hold so dear. I do not like thinking this way & this is really troubling my conscience. I did not want to let anyone down, the co-ordinator, the nurses, the patients or this lady. I felt very responsible & guilty that if I said “no” her opportunity to volunteer may be taken from her.
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This lady appears to have learning difficulties & OCD. She has a medical condition I will not display here for reasons of confidentiality & out of respect to her privacy. The uncomfortable truth is that she faces prejudice just because of the way she was born. She perhaps in some peoples eyes does not quite conform to the norm, what ever that is! All she wants is a chance to be accepted, to feel a sense of self worth, just like me. Who are we to judge her? What should I do?
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Love
Debbie

Dream Night

Tonight is "Dream Night" a very special emotion filled evening taking place for terminally ill & very sick children together with their families at the local tourist attraction, a wildlife conservation park.
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In a very humble way we hope they may have a very happy evening full of lasting memories. My heart goes out to each & every one of the families & children who travel from miles around.
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The sky is rather grey today & threatening rain lets all wish those clouds away so they can all have an evening to remember.
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All the staff stop on to give up their time freely, the event is not publicised at all & rightly so. Please forgive me for sharing this with you but as you have all shown me you are very compassionate friends, if you kindly read this, please could you send these precious children your love & positive feelings.
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This night God Willing "Some Prayers may be answered & Dreams can come True!
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Life & time is so precious. We have to cherish every moment. We all have our dark days. During those times our worries & fears infiltrate our dreams & disturb our sleep. The cumulative effect of our emotions & sleep deprivation can distort our thought processes & impair our ability to make rational decisions just when we need to see with the clarity of our hearts & minds.
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At the weekend to commemorate the 65th Anniversary of the D Day Landings on the Normandy beaches on June 6th 1944 my thoughts turn to those brave souls who gave up their lives so that the children & the children of those children may be free. Many of those who died were so young they had barely left their childhoods. What must they have dreamed the night before they took that brave leap of faith onto those beaches? God Bless their souls. We will always remember them. They will never be forgotten.
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There are a number of dear friends who kindly visit this blog who right now are also going through very difficult times. My thoughts are with you. We share so much in this bloggy world but in truth we may actually know only a small part about each others daily lives. Some times it is what we do not actually write, that we find too painful to disclose, that speaks volumes to those that share our hearts.
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I am reminded of an uplifting quote Abi kindly shared with me a while ago, from the legendary Walt Disney, which I hope & pray could be the richly deserved reward for all the incredibly brave children & their families attending the Dream Night, this evening.

"All our dreams can come true - if we have the courage to pursue them"

Sweet Dreams
May you find Peace in your Hearts
Have a good weekend
Love
Debbie

The Ugly Duckling

So much of my life, this journey I have needed to take, has been about perception. "How I had been perceived in the world & how I perceived myself". Appearances can be deceptive & judgements based on assumptions not always the right ones.
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I have been trying to get on with building my new life. Thankfully I seemed to have swapped the roller coaster life I used to have at the start of my transition for a slightly more relaxed life, akin to one of those low budget game shows where a contestant has to take part in a solo its a knockout style task of leaping from one platform to another across water never knowing if the platforms going to be solid or if they are going to get drenched, in my case some times in tears.
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My dear Mums recent health worries were a source of great anxiety for all of my family but she now appears to be making a good recovery. She has in recent times appeared frail but thankfully she may be a lot stronger than she looks. We had a lovely family walk along the river on Monday & were rewarded with the glorious sight of these swans & their month old new signets. They reminded me of my childhood memories of the children’s story by Hans Christian Andersen about the Ugly Duckling. I dreamed of being that duckling. Walt Disney did a wonderful version http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lOzBPqkpoE&feature=PlayList&p=F10A850BF419DA1D&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=23
The adult twist to that story for me now is the reality that in the case of swans they may appear beautiful on the outside but they can be very very ugly on the inside.
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Swans can be very territorial particularly during breeding time. They are very protective of their family sometimes over protective. The male swan in the family on this photo is very aggressive & has killed other swan family’s signets. He hisses & threatens anything that gets in his way. I am so glad I am human & have the most wonderful devoted gentle man for a Dad.
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In many ways I am the signet who never quite left the nest who was too nervous to learn how to fly. Learning to fly at my age is quite a challenge. Like the duckling in the story I have on many occasions felt like the world is laughing at my feeble attempts to conform to something I was never born to be. Now my life is free from these constraints & I am able to joyously just be true to my soul as nature intended, my life is so much more fulfilled. In times of turbulence I still tend to flap too much & may be try too hard. That is also just something I have to accept is part of my nature.
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Recently the cumulative effect of certain external events beyond our control have made my family & I feel very vulnerable to some of the harsh realities of the modern world. I am becoming increasingly anxious how they will cope during the time when I am unable to be there for them during the post operative recovery stage of my gender realignment surgery. It is a perhaps a slightly irrational fear of the unknown, too which my anxiety fuels the worst of my imagination.
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Some of my thoughts recently have unsettled me. I will never be beautiful on the outside but I had hoped I would stop feeling ugly on the inside. I need to find the right balance & face some uncomfortable truths. I have to appreciate I cannot be responsible for how my loved ones feel or wish to act. I must not be overprotective like that swan & must also be careful to respect my parents by not smothering them with love. My priority is there well being & their feelings, not me. They too need to be allowed to live their precious lives & fly free as nature intended.
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Life is both wonderful & sometimes scary, with phases of melancholy, blissful ordinariness & total chaos. A wise & wonderful dog walking friend of mine who suffers from MS has been an inspiration to me. She has such a positive outlook on life & explained her secret as that "where possible life is to be embraced, lived to the full & not to be dictated to by our condition or limited by our circumstance. If only I could always stick to those wise words!
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May your worries become small & your happiness blossom.
Have a good week.
Love
Debbie

My thoughts & prayers are with a kind friend on this blog, dear Lucy Melford, who has recently tragically lost her beloved Father.

I Love You!

If you are blessed to have people in your life you hold dear & love with all your heart it is so important to let them them know just how much you love them, everyday, every chance you get. I try to treasure every moment I have with them & never ever take things for granted. How quickly your perspective on life can change.
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Life had been going along rather hectically but just about normal I guess what ever that really is in this world until.............My dear Mum had a massive panic attack yesterday morning as a result of yet more bother via a letter this time regarding the boiler. I have been spending more & more time looking after my parents as they have become more vulnerable with time to the sometimes cruel pressures of the modern world. The heartless swines at a big corporation had been deliberately passing the buck regarding a fault of their making & treating my parents with contempt & no regard for their years. Nearly half a dozen visits by engineers, numerous phone calls resulted in them being without heating & hot water for almost a week.
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My poor Mum could not take any more. She become hysterical & would not stop screaming. This all happened while I was at an interview yesterday lunch time leaving my poor Dad to try to cope with the crisis all on his own. I phoned the minute I got back to my car as I was due to be taking Mum to her friends in the afternoon. Dad told me to get home as we have a serious problem. At first he would not say any more for fear of worrying me, immediately I knew it was Mum but he would not say what was going on. I have never driven my Dads old car so quick & was praying everything would be ok, tears running down my cheeks in total fear. I was so frightened I really thought I had told her I loved her for the last time & would never see her in this life again. The guilt of not being there for my Mum, leaving my poor Dad to cope on his own were horrendous.
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I have never felt such intense feelings of love as when we were seperated on this morning. From the day I witnessed the suffering my Mums sisters tragic death caused her when I was a teenager, I vowed I would always be there for her.
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When I arrived home she was slightly delirious when I got home & looked terrible. She constantly refused to see a doctor or call an ambulance. Thankfully she calmed down & I was able to discreetly dash off to our doctors practice where I received some brilliant help. An appointment was booked for last thing & left that if we could persuade her to come in great, if it stressed her we could cancel it. After a sleep she seemed a little better but she could still not walk properly. When I judged she was calm enough I told her about the appointment at which point she started stressing again but agreed she needed help. Alas when she tried to walk she could barely stand up. I immediately phoned the doctors & thankfully she was able to have a home visit last night by her own GP. He confirmed she had high anxiety & showed all the classic signs of a panic attack. It was really frightening for her but a relief to know it may not be anything too serious.The tablets she has been prescribed seem to be helping but this morning she still seemed quite fragile. Thankfully her walk is back to normal & her spirits rising.
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This had been coming for a while. I should have known. I found myself more anxious not to leave them on their own. Anxiety certainly seems to run in our family. Mum revealed to me this morning she had a mild panic attack on their holiday recently. Apparently a rather extrovert woman who my Mum suspected was on a similar journey to myself visited the hotel they were all staying in. Mum felt really uncomfortable that all her friends would think ill of this person & assume I was as exuberant as this lady. Her old deep routed fears came back to haunt her & with her feeling vulnerable she began to cry & hyper ventilate. Her friends were not in the least bit concerned about the lady & were more concerned that my Mum was becoming unwell. She never told me this for fear of upsetting me. It would not have made any difference to me. There is room for everyone in this world. My parents bless them, come from a different age. Had I known I could have reassured her that her true friends like mine, would not judge her or this lady, & perhaps I might have been more aware she was feeling quite so unwell. Always trying to do the right thing for our loved ones is never easy for any of us. The weight of the guilt can become too hard to carry.
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We have been running around trying to sort out the boiler problems & looking out for a new car. This weekend she never really found time to rest & had little sleep. After several visits to garages & numerous test drives we ended up buying a lovely little Matiz late Sunday afternoon. My parents appeared so happy, the car felt just right for our little family, including our boss, the navigator, or doggy who usually sits alongside me as I willingly chauffeur my family about. Ironically this was one of the first cars we had seen once we started looking & had said we really liked but we still had to run round everywhere else before going back to the first one. We then had the most important task of deciding the colour We have never had a new car car before & as this is likely to be the last we will ever have together it had seemed kind of poignant at the time. How true those slightly maudlin emotions may prove to be. With the government scrappage deal for new cars it appeared a relative bargain at the time but it nearly came at a very high price.

I have been telling my Mum how much I love her & hugging her at every opportunity. When I left for that interview yesterday morning I really feared it may have been the last time I ever saw her alive as I hurtled home in my Dads E type Fiesta!
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"I LOVE YOU MUM"
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The more I try to build a new working life, to be able to pay my way in the world, as a carer, a devoted only daughter, the harder the pull on my heart strings. I feel torn, I feel I am neglecting my loved ones & some of my dear friends. The more I try to build a new life, the more complicated life becomes everything is in transition, nothing stays the same.

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To all of you who are kind enough to visit here & share your lives with me please accept my humblest apologies for not being able to keep in touch or pay your blogs a visit recently. If I have neglected you or said the wrong things in haste please forgive me I have a lot of thoughts on my tiny mind. I have been thinking of you all so very much. I wish I could reach out & hug all of you & particularly those of you who I know who are going through far greater turmoil than I & my little family right now.

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I wish you all good health & happiness. I am off back to my beloved family now. Family has to come first but my heart goes out to all of you, with the many challenges you are also facing.

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(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
God Bless
Love
Debbie