Saturday, 28 June 2008

An exhibition of true friends & the banter between the sexes

Thursday evening:-

I went to a lovely party in the evening at my best friend’s house. We often meet up on a Thursday evening, a sweet mix of wayward artists & overworked underpaid waifs & strays. The little group of friends that gather there has the amusing nickname of the “naughty club” but not for really naughty behaviour. It really was a perfect exhibition of true friends. I was first to arrive which was unusual. My friend was comforting a dear friend on the phone. She has only recently lost her beloved husband & just been given further bad news of her son having a heart attack. Life is so cruel. I am so sorry for her but just glad she has my friend to comfort her. They have known each other for a very long time. She really needs her family & friends more than ever right now. Bless her.

Another of our girlfriends arrved & we all shared our thoughts for our dear friend. Once due respect was made. The mood lightened & the fun began what an education for me. It was so wonderful to have a bit of a girly night before the boys turned up. The talk of hormones, menopause, family & relationships but above all emotions & feelings openly expressed about real subjects, in a totally different way to men. Absolute heaven. I loved the master class on men, particularly how to treat your husband. I have no idea what men are thinking but had learned how to blend into their world just to exist. That sounds cruel & demeaning but it is not meant to offend or insult men. That’s just how it felt for me, living a lie. Right now I have so little life experience to draw on, which seems crazy at the age of 47, but its true & speaks volumes why I need to change my life so radically. I had previously had a good life but only really existed, not really lived my life. It was so unfilled in many ways yet I had a lot to be grateful for. How can a hetrosexual female live trapped in the wrong body? At best she just survived, many are not that lucky.

I was so pleased to be accepted as one of the girls. It just feels normal now. We were all sat on one side of the room, & my friend’s husband & his friend the other. The look, that special look in my friends eyes was very very impressive, when her hubby deliberately over stepped the mark, in fun. I have such a lot to learn. I cannot express quite how fantastic it is for me to finally be on the right side of the banter between the sexes.

It really did me good to be amongst friends to take my mind off of Friday. The day I was to finally get to have a consultation with a surgeon who may do my gender reassignment surgery one day. I was really excited but really really scared. It does not get any realer than this for me. The culmination of a life long dream & occasionally nightmares was looming up before me. I need this next stage to feel complete but this particular surgery really scares me. Largely because of the pain & suffering that part of my body endured as a child. I need to look forward & not dwell in the past. If the consultation with the FFS was hard for me when pushed before a mirror, the examination part of the consultation was filing me with dread. By the end of Friday I will have a far better more graphic knowledge of what my future holds for me. When the surgery happens is difficult to say. Probably realistically 2 - 3 years time on the NHS unless I can sell my home & live in a tent!

Fridays events will follow later I now have to get my face on & take out my parents & surprise surprise I am late.



Anji said...

I'm so glad that you are feeling as if you belong on the 'girls side'. It must be a bit like coming home. I know I've said this to Jo in the past too. For me you are a woman. I don't think that I could imagine you in any other way.

I hope that your surgeon was someone you felt comfortable with.

Debbie K said...

Hi Anji
Thank you so much for your sweet words. To read them means so much to me. Bless you.

The surgeon could not have been nicer. I will write more son.


Anji said...

Thanks for replying to all of my comments so quickly!