Dark Night New Day

OMG I feel so humble & grateful to receive all your kindness. I have been overwhelmed by the phone calls, pms & messages of support. I have to catch up with my duties as a carer today but I will get round to thanking you personally when I can. It was kind of ironic on the actual anniversary of my facial surgery to receive this devastating news about the funding for my GRS. I am usually compassionate & passive by nature but dam it I am not going to let my PCT #### me, not until they have given me the right surgery!

I had been expecting bad news. Yesterday I was all cried out. Completely shattered. I could feel the darkness engulfing me & the accumulation of sleep deprivation was making everything seem worse. I have been through too much to give up now. I used to be very susceptible to depression & have what I thought was a very low threshold to stress. I was scared, I was afraid my demons would come back. At times last night I could not tell if I was awake or asleep. It felt like I was counting each minute & I was still awake, at 3.27 I was cold & fearful. I had some nightmarish dream like thoughts last night but the ending was so different.
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"My Lucid dream, A Bridge Tooooooo Far?"
(No alcohol, no drugs, just a mad woman alone with her spirit!)

At 3.27 I was aware of walking on a path on the Itchen Bridge which is in the city I live in & carries commuter traffic over the river Itchen. I was heading towards the middle section & it felt like I was being drawn their by an invisible force. At first that force felt dangerous & threatening.

I was reminded of the demons that once possessed me. I recalled the two nights I had suicidal thoughts a few years ago. I felt so vulnerable so weak & yet something felt different this time. I have too much to live for. I was not suicidal at all, just scared. I remember the shy isolated traumatised girl who had been saved by Angels. That person was me back in Nov 2006 & April 2007 when I came perilously close to the edge. I thought of my beloved Auntie, my Mum's dear sister who had tragically committed suicide when I was a teenager. She was so brave, she had a reason. I saw the pain again & again of my dear Mums anguish. I found myself motionless starring at the Samaritans notice adorning the safety barrier on the centre section of the bridge. I felt the pain & heard the screams of those lonely lost souls who had jumped from this bridge. I could feel my body, I was there but I could not see. This experience felt so real to me. I was shrouded for a moment in complete darkness.
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The menace was then gone to be replaced by a positive life force. I felt warmth. I felt my spirit rising once more. My ripped out heart had healed & started beating again. I no longer felt toxic. My body & soul were healing. I felt a strength, an energy within me begin to grow & grow. I could see again, I could appreciate how far I had come. Crazy random thoughts rattled round my tiny mind. I thought of the first time I came out to my parents. I thought of the magical day in Dec 2007 that I went Christmas shopping with my Mum & danced with joy wearing a woman's coat she kindly bought for me as the first ever present for her daughter. I thought of how precious life is. How important love & friendship is. I thought of the most frightening time of my life as I lay in hospital for the first twelve hours in the recovery room after my facial surgery. Minute by minute gulping for air far away from my family in Belgium. I thought of all the wonderful friends I am so blessed with. I thought of the shy teenage girl who blossomed socially for the first time in her life at the ripe old age of 49 at a packed first night open evening of our art society annual exhibition. I thought of how hard I had tried to do the right things for my family & listen to all the kind help I received. I keep telling myself I am the same person but mentally & to a lesser extent physically I am in such a totally different state. I felt so alive. I could taste the cool air. I could breath, I could touch, I could feel like never before.
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I thought of the friends who were less fortunate, those with incurable conditions, those who had loved & lost or not been blessed with the acceptance I had been so lucky to receive. I could hear their kind supportive voices. I thought of my dear friends inspirational fighting spirit in times of such great adversity. I could feel the tears welling up but they were happy, humble grateful tears.
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Then in this dream scape of a place, somewhere perhaps between heaven & hell, I seemed to float up & leave the darkly swathed shadowy body I had been in & could see myself looking up tear stained with a bright smile on my face. I could see Debbie bathed in the moonlight, the air was no longer cold it was warm. Reminiscent of the haunting painting which I painted in 1996 at the beginning of my journey which I had posted devoid of colour yesterday, I could truly sense Bob had finally completely & willingly disappeared below the waves lapping at the bridge supports. The next thing I knew I was back in my bedroom & it was 3.46.
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Had I still been in the same fragile mental state I had been in when I was living a lie, feeling isolated & desperate, like I had been before I found I had Angels for friends, I may not have coped. By 3.49 the panic attack like feelings were replaced by a calmness of thought.
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My spirit is so different now. My Mum & Dad are standing by their daughter 110% & want to fight this & help me in any way they can. Having their support is beyond materialistic value & absolutely priceless to me.
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I have a life to live for. I have the love & support of my family & friends. I have the self belief & determination to fight back. Out of adversity, has come something good & life affirming. If ever I or the PCT need further proof transition is right for me, how I feel today confirms this girl is now a woman who is a whole lot tougher than she ever thought she was. I need to recharge my batteries but unlike how I felt as Bob I will fight for my rights. I owe it too myself, my beloved parents, my dear friends & the doctors/medical people who have supported me, to fight the bean counting cold hearted people responsible for this cruel decision by my PCT. I am determined not to make my family suffer any more, I am not going to make myself ill. I will get my deformity corrected one day. GRS is very important to me but is only part of my journey not an end. On my darkest day since I transitioned I still have hope in my heart. I will never give up on my dreams. It was a dark night but a new day is dawning.
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Thank you so much for all your love & support.
Best Wishes
Love Debbie