Wednesday, 21 January 2009

I need to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

As a fellow Leo how I envy this sleeping lioness & yet........

Just now the echo of all kind of feelings & memories, accumulated during what seems like an absent minded time travellers journey through my life experiences, are roaring inside my head.

My brain feels like like an emotional sponge on overload.

There must be a design fault in these older models. It will just not switch off & my thoughts are resonating around my empty mixed up head 24/7.

This Lioness was living in a nature reserve as part of a captive breading programme in Zimbabwe & the photo was taken in 2005. I wonder if she is still alive & able to live there? How much has her life changed, has she ever truly lived in the wild, does she ever dream of going back to 2005?

I have come too far & have no intention of going back even though I feel incredibly vulnerable. That man mask I felt forced to wear nearly suffocated me. I need to look forward & stay focused.

I am running low on energy & with each tear that passes, minute by minute, I feel I am in grave danger of becoming a toxic friend. This tigeeer has temporarily lost her bounce back ability & with sleep deprivation is not a happy cat.

I read an excellent post recently in a blog by Samantha "green eyed girl" about anxiety , something which I am always battling with. I care so much about my family & friends, but really struggle with knowing when I have to step back. This is my dilemma, my fault & is not a reflection or criticism of the people I care about. I am not sure I will ever be able to modify my caring nature but sometimes I realise it is perhaps unhealthy for all concerned. I will not let my anxiety own me. I am certainly not going to let my depression return. I refuse to wallow in self pity any more. Less thought, more action. Perhaps less blogging. I need to make serious changes to keep improving my life.

How I wish I could finally sleep tonight!


Kate Phizackerley said...

It seems that many trans women develop exceptional empathy which can leave them extremely sensitive to the needs of others. That's a good thing, of course, but I've seen a woman reduced to years within a couple of minutes as a empathic reaction.

To get through life you had barriers, Debbie, When you transitioned, you dropped them. And that's why you find you get on socially with people so much better these days. The trick is to learn to be able to put the barriers back up when you need them to protect yourself.

Best wishes
My blog at Theban Moon

alan said...

If the inability to sleep becomes too much, then perhaps speaking to someone about it is in order. When they buried us with the overtime at work, I started using Melatonin to be able to go to sleep sooner when I got home so I could get up with enough time to get anything done before I had to go back to work.

I'm not sure how that might react with other things, though, so I wouldn't dare try it unless I spoke to someone first!

One of the many things I love about you is your beautiful empathetic soul, Debbie...your heart so full of love for so many! Though I understand that perhaps it's too much for you to deal with, that would be the only reason I'd ever wish it to change!

I wonder and worry about the animals in Zimbabwe, especially having read last week or so that the troops are being fed elephants...

Hopefully somehow things there will change soon, though I'm sure it's not soon enough for the people or the creatures unfortunate enough to be there right now!


Anji said...

I hope that you will find a way to get some sleep. I know it's hard, my eldest son went for several weeks without sleep when he was depressed.

Take care of yourself.