Sunday, 1 November 2009

Life through a kaleidoscope:-

With one day to go before I travel to the hospital for my GRS I feel so incredibly peaceful. My parents have been so supportive, my friends so kind. Life has been a blur trying to prepare for what feels like a period of hibernation, followed by something close to a rebirth. a chance to correct a birth defect to correctly realign my gender. The time when I return & the pain relief from the hospital starts to wear off will be challenging to say the least. As long as I can avoid stressing my parents we will be fine. My life has never been busier or more fulfilled. I have had some wonderful experiences & been overwhelmed by the kindness of my family & friends. There has been so much to think about & plan for.

So many emotions, so many memories. It has been like viewing my life through a kaleidoscope at times.

Very occasional paranoia induced by my withdrawal from hormones, a requirement for my surgery, has led to the odd anxiety overload. Liz Hills the lead clinical nurse had warned me not to read too much into other people’s experiences of gender realignment surgery.

She explained that you may tend to only hear about those who are unhappy or alternately those who feel their surgeon is the best & the only place to go. I am so fortunate to be going to the surgeon of my choice & the hospital of my choice. I am happy to place my trust with them but even so a little nerves are understandable.

The post op experience when I am back home & all the emotions, possible post op blues concerned me. There was a posting on a support forum called "angels" which referred to post op experiences. Foolishly rather like a child being warned not to do something I did & opened a Pandora’s Box of complex feelings. These played on my biggest fears, which actually caused me to take to my bed for a day. Liz was able to allay my fears & explained clearly why I should not worry as it should not happen to me. Wisely for me Liz has also told me not to think too much about that stage until I am through the operation & nearly ready to come home,which suits my natural anxiety.

Coming off the hormones 6 weeks before surgery has not been as bad as the fear I had of the unknown, my fear of how badly I would cope. I have been doubting my judgment even more than usual & making allowances. What was very different for me was I found myself being less passive. Every time I felt ready to bite, to say or write anything potentially inflammable, I wrote those feelings down & filed them. I then went back to look at them in the morning. Sometimes especially when my mood may be shall we say was questionable Silence was the best answer & gave me time for clarity before it’s too late. The lack of hormones & my natural anxiety are a potent but LIVABLE MIX.

I have been devoting my time to making sure everything is in place for my parents & ensuring their needs are all catered for. They have been brilliant so supportive. I am blessed to have so many lovely friends I wanted to catch up with before I go into hibernation but I found myself running out of time. So much shopping to get in so that Mum & Dad not to mention our doggy are all well looked after. My proudly independent parents did not want me to ask anyone to help them. It’s great they still feel able to be independent but I still needed to make sure there are friends on standby just in case they need anything.

My counselor is now coming down from London this Sunday afternoon so we can make any early start in the morning. She is kindly sleeping on my settee while I spend my last evening & night with my parents. They have never met her before so that is going to be one of many emotional events come Monday Morning. I am understandably becoming more nervous about the surgery but thankfully not my need to have it. Its how my parents will cope that tops my list of worries. I will be glad to be home again & through that first month of recovery. Then it will be Christmas & all the emotions that brings.

My sleep has started to suffer slightly but not too badly. I really am focusing on how lucky I am & all the wonderful things that have happened to me, the inspirational friends I have been so blessed to meet. I cannot see me sleeping at all on Monday night unless they knock me out. Memories of my childhood & the traumatic pain & emotions focused on that deformed part of my body are becoming intensely more vivid by the hour. I am understandably becoming more nervous about the surgery but thankfully not my need to have it.

(((((((((((peaceful thoughts)))))))))))

Lots of love

1 comment:

chrissie said...


Good luck, honey.

I'll be thinking of you!