Saturday, 10 May 2008

The door on my previous life is closing fast

I was intending to take my parents to a funeral on Friday. One of my Mums life long friends husband had sadly passed away. They have not spoken for a while & know nothing of me. It was a day to respect & remember their freinds husband. I did not want to be a problem to anyone. I without being asked, decided I was going to go dressed up as a man. I did not want to let anyone down. Most of all I wanted to be there to support my dear Mum.

I failed completely. I could not bring myself to do it. I just cannot drag up anymore. I have long since thrown the male mask away. I could no longer present myself to the world disguised as a man. The thought of deliberately dressing as a man reinforces all the stuff that my dear misguided parents have been slaughtering me with recently. I selfishly thought it was dangerous to even given them a glimpse of their son. I have spent most of the last two months living in role as a woman. I could not bring myself to dress up anymore. It was making me feel physically sick & I had a panic attack just thinking about it.

The door on my previous life is closing fast. I am so excited yet tinged with a little saddness that Bob was no longer there, he is gone. This humbling experience was not something I expected to happen. At least now I can better understand the greiving process my parents are going through. I have no reason to but I cannot stop the momentum of change. My fate is sealed. This for me is a wonderful thing. I will finally find me. As my dear friend Nicky suggested I am at one with my sense of self.

I will know my truth!


Anonymous said...

I can identify with this Debbie. I too don't want to give others a "problem". For the last few months I've avoided such engagements...all I can quote is a "stag do" invite I've avoided. Obviously a funeral is much more serious and respect-worthy.
But you are also respecting *yourself* finally, I humbly detect.
Granted, "identity" comes from a number of things - not just gender. But without a strong sense of "self", confidence and strength cannot blossom and grow.

Long may you blossom Debbie....x

Debbie K said...

Dear Nicky
Your wise observation has proved to be very true. My sense of self has blossomed dramatically from this time. My confidence has become stronger than I could ever wish for.

Although I still have periods of great self doubt. I seem to bounce baclk all the stronger for the experience.

It requires a different mind set which I am still getting used to.
I was & sometimes still am very good at beating myself up. It is a unique experience & something I have never experienced before. To be at peace with who I am, is an amazing feeling.

Bless you Nicky