I was intending to take my parents to a funeral on Friday. One of my Mums life long friends husband had sadly passed away. They have not spoken for a while & know nothing of me. It was a day to respect & remember their freinds husband. I did not want to be a problem to anyone. I without being asked, decided I was going to go dressed up as a man. I did not want to let anyone down. Most of all I wanted to be there to support my dear Mum.
I failed completely. I could not bring myself to do it. I just cannot drag up anymore. I have long since thrown the male mask away. I could no longer present myself to the world disguised as a man. The thought of deliberately dressing as a man reinforces all the stuff that my dear misguided parents have been slaughtering me with recently. I selfishly thought it was dangerous to even given them a glimpse of their son. I have spent most of the last two months living in role as a woman. I could not bring myself to dress up anymore. It was making me feel physically sick & I had a panic attack just thinking about it.
The door on my previous life is closing fast. I am so excited yet tinged with a little saddness that Bob was no longer there, he is gone. This humbling experience was not something I expected to happen. At least now I can better understand the greiving process my parents are going through. I have no reason to but I cannot stop the momentum of change. My fate is sealed. This for me is a wonderful thing. I will finally find me. As my dear friend Nicky suggested I am at one with my sense of self.
I will know my truth!
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2 comments:
I can identify with this Debbie. I too don't want to give others a "problem". For the last few months I've avoided such engagements...all I can quote is a "stag do" invite I've avoided. Obviously a funeral is much more serious and respect-worthy.
But you are also respecting *yourself* finally, I humbly detect.
Granted, "identity" comes from a number of things - not just gender. But without a strong sense of "self", confidence and strength cannot blossom and grow.
Long may you blossom Debbie....x
Dear Nicky
Your wise observation has proved to be very true. My sense of self has blossomed dramatically from this time. My confidence has become stronger than I could ever wish for.
Although I still have periods of great self doubt. I seem to bounce baclk all the stronger for the experience.
It requires a different mind set which I am still getting used to.
I was & sometimes still am very good at beating myself up. It is a unique experience & something I have never experienced before. To be at peace with who I am, is an amazing feeling.
Bless you Nicky
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