Thursday, 29 May 2008

The magic alexia of friends.

This posting could have had several titles. The power of love & positive thoughts. The magical Alexia of "Doris world." "Peaceful Sunrise" which is the name of the watercolour of my identical twin sister sat on a branch in Borneo.

All of you who kindly added something here made such a difference to me today, you all touched my heart & also someone else who needed your love.

I am so new to blogging I had never experienced anything quite like it before. I was used to offering my humble support to friends on the web but I was overwhelmed by your responses. It is so therapeutic & I could easily imagine it could become almost addictive, after my experiences today. I tried not to read all your kind comments again as I knew the way I was feeling I would only start crying again. I had so much to do today & like a child who had been told not to do something I just could not help myself. I did not feel worthy of all the kindness you have shown me & I just had to check if it really happened.

I read your replies one last time & surprise, surprise I just burst into tears again. You all said the sweetest things. Just as well I had not put my face on,at that point. My concentrations was all over the place. My thoughts were awash with emotions, once more.

Then as quickly as every thing just welled up inside me a calmness descended. I felt some how magically empowered. I achieved everything I had hoped to do yesterday. Ironically my Mum told me I arrived a day late when I was born, the first time.

This involved contacting Government offices, Insurances, Utilities, Hospitals, support agencies, a whole list of people asking them to amend my records. It was a none event to them. All but one of them were really helpful & courteous. I am just a number on their computer to most of them but to me it represented so much more. My friend Rob has finally disappeared beneath my sea of tears.

I was feeling so alive & so positive I also took a big step towards returning to work, for the first time in my life as Debbie. I have contacted a new team of people who are there to help me find a pathway to work. I feel ready.

By chance this evening I visited a new friends blog She is a delightful American lady called Rebecca & she is on a similar journey to me. The poor love was sat in her office with her hand hovering over the send button, to let all her colleagues know she was about to transition. I had been too scared to do that when I was at work. She was so brave yet understandably scared. At some point it had to happen & it needed to. She felt vulnerable & afraid of the unknown, just like we all do in our lives from time to time. For some like me, everyday of our lives could be like that. Recent wondrous events in my life are changing that feeling & I so wanted to share some of that experience with her. I humbly suggested she should listen to her soul not her mind & when she was ready she would know. A short time later she posted a joyous "Its gone"!

I am so pleased for her. She had found that magical spirit herself. Only she could do that for herself, but if in some small way we have made a difference, I hope that makes the world seem a happier place for us all.

I dare not tell her how much of a coward I had been the last few days. She knows nothing of this little blog or the marvelous friends who gathered round me, yet without meeting each other in real life, we had all reached out to help a fellow human being, a friend.

It's a wonderful world.

Today you showed me the way forward with compassion & warmth.

Bless you all.

((((((((((((((Peaceful Sunrises ))))))))))))))))))



Anonymous said...

well done Debbie for getting cracking with informing all the name & legal stuff !
and it's so so good that you're getting something out of your blog...very therapeutic as you say ! x

Rebecca said...

Debbie, I was checking in on my newest online friend, and saw that you posted about me!!! You're so sweet!! Well, I may have told my coworkers, but you're updating your name!!! I haven't done that yet! Such a huge step. I'm so proud of you! Keep blogging... it really helps! xxx

Debbie K said...

Hi ya Nicky & Rebecca

You cannot keep a secret for long.

I think we may well have cleared a rain forset with all the hankies we have used to dry our tears on this journey.

We really must look after the planet girls!

We sisters are getting there.
Different parts of the globe shairing the same hearts.

Night night

Dee Harris said...

Its certainly a wonderfully liberating feeling to change your name on documents that have been part of you for so long to reflect who you really are. How you can describe yourself with words like coward are beyond me hun. You have shown such strength over so many years by not transitioning to try and bring your parents with you and immense strength to confront their fears and follow your own needs even though this was against your personality. You are and continue to be an inspiration xxx

Josephine said...

Yes, the official name change must be fab...I can't get there quite yet because I'm still going through this bloody (in every sense) divorce and there's other tedious practical stuff too. Or I would have.

Have changed my NHS records though...Josephine Katherine...a little step, but a feels good.

Hey and may be many things (all lovely), but a "coward" is not one of them!

Anji said...

It was nice to be of help in a very small way. I'm glad you're feeling calmer today - and empowered.

Debbie K said...

Dear Denise
Thank you for the kind reply. It is a very special moment to change your name on legal documents. Very special. The bravery is in trying to live the lie for our parents, as you know from sad experience. To describe my actions as cowardess may have been a bit harsh but referred to how I struggled to say good by to Rob & was too afraid to set the wheels of bureaucracy in motion & removing him from my records. I had not expected to feel that way. It was soooooooo much harder than I ever imagined.
You are an inspiration to me as well. Good luck for your first day of the rest of your life, back at work as Denise on Monday. I am so pleased you are looking forward to going. Good for you girl.

Dear Josephine Katherine
I will be so pleased for you when the day comes that you can legally change your name. I cannot think of you as any other person than the lovely Josephine Katherine ….

Dear Anji
You helped me a lot. You enabled me to finally discover the magic of writing your own blog. Thank you so much.

Love to you all