Wednesday, 7 May 2008

My parents are slipping back to denial

Draw a line?

This day marks the day I had to try to regain control of my transition & also attempt to break free from my deep love & devotion for my parents. We all needed to break free & let go in the process. Today having taken Mum to have her hair done & completed the first part of the weekly shop my Mum continued to insult me by referring to me as he or him relentlessly. This was disappointing to say the list. When she started to talk about my friend as he knowing full well she was female, I became very upset. With me there is an understandable excuse because she has referred to me as male for many many years. With my friend it laid bare her ignorance & she was going out of her way to deliberately insult one of my friends. I was shocked & asked her to stop being so insensitive & disrespectful about my friend.

I was close to breaking point at the weekend & this behaviour was pushing me right to the edge. We were not very far from the hospital where I see a consultant psychiatrist & in desperation I drove there before I became too stressed out. It was too late I could take no more. No amount of calm rational discussion could make her realise how her hurtful remarks, were making me ill. I was not safe or well enough to drive the car. She managed to twist things round so that they are no longer coming with me to change my name, which I suspect was behind all the outbursts. I decided I needed to just go inside the hospital to try & calm down. I had asked Mum to come with me but she stayed in the car at that point.

I was not booked in & a secretary kindly came out to see if she could find someone to help me. She suggested I could see the duty psychiatrist which seemed like a good idea. This was all starting to make me feel very ill. While I was waiting I kept checking on my Mum. To my horror she had got out of the car & just walked off. I was worried sick about her & desperately wanted to go & get her. I knew I needed help & my heart was being torn apart about what I should do. I phoned my counsellor in a panic. She calmed me down & advised me to wait & get some help for myself, which felt really selfish. I was seen by a very nice lady doctor & a student. I got very distressed & broke down in tears of utter frustration.

My transition had reached another challanging phase. My enmeshment issues, my love for my parents were in direct conflict with my gender issues. I know I cannot change my parent’s feelings & the last thing I want to do is upset them. I was reassured I was doing all I could. It is so hard. I had no idea where Mum was & asked Dad to phone me if she arrived home safely. I was so relieved to phone him after I seen the doctor & find Mum was safely home. Dad had foolishly taken the opportunity to drive out & bring her home. He is over eighty years old & is unsteady on his feet, has poor eyesight & his c-ordination is not too good. I love him to bits. He would never forgive himself if he hurt or killed someone because he is too unsafe to drive now. I am at my wits end.

Today I ended up in hospital because Mum was making me feel so upset & totally broken. Please please please is it not too much to respect my feelings. I love them so dearly. I wish this could be a turning point. I wish we could draw a line under this awful episode.

I need to take control of my life again. My counsellor has advided me my parents have actually found a way of stopping my transition. Sadly she may be right. I needed their validation & they have their own right not to give it. We need to seperate, we need our own space. I need to prove by my own actions this is right for me. I need to be strong & show them how happy I am to be able to present to the world the real me.

I need to let go, for all our sakes!

Transitioning is the most positive spiritually uplifting experience. Being a carer to elderly parents who you love dearly & needing to transition against their wishes is sure not easy.



Doris said...

Good grief Debbie .... as I was reading this, and before I got to the end, the picture was of you with this huge burden on your back. And how on earth can you do anything with that sort of emotional pressure on you. Crushed doesn't even begin to describe it ... and yet you are still standing.

I've only read so far your latest post, your first post and this one. I truly hope that you find the expression through blogging, as well as re-finding your enjoyment through painting to be enriching and bring you confidence. Enjoy being you and expressing "you". As a natal female with none of these issues on board, but plenty of baggage along for the ride, I have found immense satisfaction in blogging. In crafting the right words, sharing the pain and the laughter, comes a discovery of myself and what is good about me. But I think it is important to always remember to blog for you so that blogging just for you is enough... and the friendships and blog visitors become extra cherries on the cake.

"Being true to my heart" is a perfect title. I have seen your kind and sensitive comments on Jo's blog which is how I came to be here.

Wishing you very special wishes :-)

Josephine said...

Oh Debbie...I too am just starting to work my way through.

I knew nothing of this. Your pain on this day must have been grotesque. Just ghastly.

You have my number as I have yours...(or if not, email me and I will give it to you). If you hit days like this (and they will diminish) call me...

Debbie K said...

Thank you dear Doris & Jo
Your kind words have made such a difference to me.
Thank you.