Sunday, 11 May 2008

Poisoned Love & Psycho babble

I am so sorry my blog is so full of blue just now. Transition is the most wonderful positive experience & has been golden until the last months events. My relationship with my family is so heartbreaking & left me completely depressed. I failed to go out to my best friend’s party last night. I wanted to go but was just too tearful & utterly broken at what has been happening to me. I rang her in tears to explain I would not be coming as I did not want to be a burden on such a special day, the grand opening of her new studio. I stiil needed to take my parents out that evening & arrived at my parents only to find Mum had decided to stay in & keep an eye on me as she knew I was feeling very low. My Dad still wanted to go so I took him, in almost complete silence. My beloved Dad. A person I love with all my heart & I just could not face him. Our love remained the same but our lines of communication were shattered. At least he got to his club safely.

I really needed to be alone. I feared things would only end in more rows with my Mum. She had tried to offer an olive branch & so I decided to go home. On the way I got some chips which as my Mum had missed her evening meal at their club I decided to offer to share with her. Everything was very cordial. I have become very withdrawn & my confidence has gone. I am also very tired & lethargic. All tell tell signs of depression. Mum eventually started probing me. She was in a difficult situation stuck between Dad & I but she was genuinely concerned for me. She asked me how I could get them to love Debbie again. How could they help? "Please please please see a medical person or a counsellor to help you through this. We are too close & we share too many conflicting emotions". I was in bits " I cannot take anymore abuse. Why are you doing this too me?" This set Mum on the attack & she said they were doing nothing wrong. "We do not need medical people, its you who need help!" She accused me of dumping her at the hospital earlier in the week when I was ill & she tried to find her own way home.

I huddled in a ball on the settee on cried my eyes out in shear frustration. I begged on me knees to her "what has happened to that precious Mother daughter relationship we had. It was the most beautiful wonderful thing. I cherished every moment. Why why why did you offer it to me & then take it away? If I die tomorrow I will always remember those magical times we shared. I was the happiest girl in the world. Why did you runaway from the hospital when I went for help? Were you were afraid I might bring out a doctor to talk to you? All I want is for you to get help for your selves. I cannot take anymore of this". My pitiful cries finally touched a nerve. Suddenly everything began making sense to her. I hope & pray this lasts.

Mum explained that she had been to see a psychiatrist when I was in my late teens. Around this time she had tragically lost her Mum & Dad & her precious sister to suicide. She could not cope with their loss & the stress of this caused a physical reaction similar to ME or MS. During the sessions she had been hypnotised & regressed. When she came round she felt intense pain & grief. She was terrified if she visited anyone now to help her cope the same thing would happen. The poor love could not share these feelings with my Dad at the time. Dad shuts down & does not deal with feelings very well. So she used me as an emotional confidante. This went on for approx 6 years until my early twenty’s. My intense sense of loss & fear of losing my family, my parents, are identical to hers. I shared her pain. Hence my enmeshment issues, which has prevented me from separating from my parents. No one is to blame, just tragic circumstance but we both carry emotional baggage from this till this day. Neither of us has ever been able to work through it. She promised me she would try some time soon may be to see someone but it will take time.

She then delivered a bombshell. She confessed my Dad had just given up on me. I had politely asked him to try & not refer to me using the wrong pronouns when they are with their friends. This happened several times & we were both becoming more & more agitated. He has never once called me Debbie. The best he had managed until he gave up was to try to stop calling me Rob. He had at least been trying his best which was fare enough. When he was hurting so much at no longer being able to see his son, he set about hurting me back in the only way he could. He knew it really upset me to be treated as a man & so regardless of my feelings or appearance. He did this relentlessly even when I was trying to look my best, my dear Dad had willfully been abusing me for over a month. He had won his sad game. My Mum had got sucked into it by repation. She was constantly hearing my Dads efforts to hold on to his son & because it was so easy it had become force of habit once more. Mum wondered where her daughter had gone as I became more & more depressed & withdrawn. She had so enjoyed having a daughter she had always wanted, but sadly the feelings of losing her son had overtaken everything. She appeared to finally appreciate why I was hurting so much. I certainly hope I understood a lot more of why they were struggling. Daughters are female. Her daughter was pleading for help & some how we had managed to rekindle our relationship, through all this psyco babble.

My spirit, my heart had been completely broken. I am not so sensative as to worry every time someone perceives me as the wrong gender or simply forgets, that is always going to happen at some time. Remarks from loved ones carry far more importance & meaning. What a nightmare situation we had all come to.

As a family we all need space to deal with all the changes. We are a very small, very close, loving family. As a carer I cannot walk away. This was not so much about my Trans issues more to do with our family relationship. Our inability to deal with loss & the reality you cannot expect even the most loving of parents, who come from a different generation, to deal with their offspring’s need to transition. We have no right to expect our families to change their feelings. Has my dear Dad finished driving me away like a wounded bull elelephant? Has our self help counselling session solved anything? Where do we go from here I wonder?

1 comment:

Debbie K said...

The relationship I have with my Dad is now back to the way it has always been. One of deep love & respect. We had never fallen out before & could count our heated arguments on one hand until this brief sad episode. The morning walks together along the river with our doggy are times of great pleasure. I am so grateful to have my lovely Dad. I treasure each & every moment we have left.